5 Tips For Making Friends As An Adult with NVLD (Nonverbal Learning Disorder)

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The Friendship Doctor responds to a reader with NVLD (Nonverbal Learning Disorder) by offering five tips for making friends. 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’m reaching out because I’m struggling with lingering loneliness and challenges in forming meaningful friendships as an adult, and I’d really value your guidance. 

I’ve always been introverted and private, and my social experiences in college were extremely difficult. I started college in 2016, and due to a combination of a very small, rural campus, an incompatible roommate my first year, and a cliquey environment, I never made friends no matter how hard I tried. 

My freshman year was particularly hard because my roommate’s behavior and our RA’s dismissiveness created a stressful environment that affected my sleep, grades, and mental health. In survival mode, I resorted to going home on weekends—first to escape this unhealthy situation where I was getting only about four hours of sleep, and later, after getting a single room following my first year, because I felt too lonely on campus with no one willing to hang out. 

In hindsight, I should’ve advocated for myself sooner and tried to attend events where I might have met people I had more in common with—but you live and learn.

During college, I began therapy because I felt so cynical and jaded due to my inability to make friends or feel like I fit in. I stayed in treatment for six years and am planning to start again now that I’m settled at work. My mom—well-intentioned but extremely outgoing—often tried to push me toward friends she thought were a good match “on paper,” which frequently backfired. She insisted I request an all-girls dorm, which turned out to be the only thing I had in common with my extremely incompatible roommate.

I was recently diagnosed with Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) at 26, which has helped me understand my strengths and challenges, but also makes me anxious about how potential friends might perceive me.

I’m a bit resentful, wishing I’d been diagnosed 10-15 years earlier, so I wouldn’t have felt so bullied, rejected, and struggled so much as a teen and in college. Many insist it’s easy to make friends in college and that “people are more mature,” but in my experience, peers were just as judgmental and exclusive as in middle and high school.

Since moving back home after grad school, I’ve accepted that I won’t find my people where my parents live or at work. Most of my colleagues are 15–20 years older, and many don’t even have college degrees, while I hold a Master’s and hope to eventually work in my field of study. 

For now, I’ve been making a deliberate effort to attend events in NYC where younger people are more likely to gather. Although I haven’t yet met anyone I truly clicked with, I’m trying to keep persisting because staying home or venting on social media doesn’t fix anything. I’m not the same person at almost 27 that I was at 18, and I’m trying to break old patterns, be vulnerable, and approach social life proactively.

Given all this, I’d love guidance on:

1. Healing from the long-lasting impact of not making genuine friends in college.
2. Approaching friendship-building now as someone who is introverted, private, and neurodivergent (NVLD).
3. Managing fears that potential friends might misunderstand or reject me because of my social history or diagnosis.

Thank you for any practical advice you can share. I genuinely want to build a supportive circle of friends and move forward from these past difficulties.

Signed, Pamela

ANSWER 

Hi Pamela,

Not everyone is at ease making friends in college. Being in the wrong dorm with the wrong roommate and the wrong resident advisor can make it even tougher. And if a student is anxious about making friends, it can be hard to balance academic studies with socializing.

Although your Nonverbal Learning Disorder can include many different types of symptoms, having no diagnosis may have affected your social and friend-making skills as well.

1-Try to look forward, not back

There is nothing to be gained by looking back, either at college or the years that preceded it. I’m sure that the six years you spent in therapy provided you with numerous opportunities to explore your past. Moreover, your note reflects that you’ve gained insight into factors that may have limited your past friendships. As you point out in your note, you are not the same person now as you were then.

I hope you can redirect your thoughts to look forward. You are fortunate to be well-educated and employed, although your workplace doesn’t sound like the best source of friendships. 

2-Don’t limit your friendship to people of the same age and stage of life as you

Don’t totally rule out making a friend at your workplace. While you might not find a close “buddy,” there may be an older co-worker that you can connect with outside of the workplace, even if just for a cup of coffee or a walk on a sunny day. It will also give you a chance to exercise your friendship-making skills. As you suggest, when you find a position in your field of study, it will be more conducive to turning a colleague into a friend.

3-Be a joiner but aim to make one friend at a time

I’m not sure what type of events you are attending in the city, but I always think it’s wise to think about making friends “one friend at a time” rather than in a large group. 

Do you have a hobby or interest that could help you meet like-minded people in a small, intimate setting with a limited number of attendees? This could be at a class at a local gym, volunteering at a civic or political organization, or taking an adult education class. For example, if you take a 6-week course (e.g., to learn a language, how to paint, or how to play Canasta or Mah Jongg), you will get to know the same people week after week to see if any of them are potential friends for you. It’s easier to make friends with someone with whom you’ve shared an experience.

4-Remember, only you and the people you’ve told know your diagnosis

You are not a unicorn. Many people have a trait or some aspect of their personality that makes it challenging for them to form and/or maintain friendships. For example, someone with social anxiety would likely share similar concerns.

The people you meet now are unlikely to be aware of your diagnosis or past problems, and there is no reason to disclose the past except when you want to (probably in the context of a close and trusting relationship). 

5-Be sure to take it slowly; turning an acquaintance into a friend takes time

Don’t try to rush things. You need to take the time to get to know them before you can become friends, as you slowly learn about each other. 

I hope this response is helpful. You are headed in the right direction. 

Best, Irene

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Tags: diagnosis, featured, nonverbal learning disorder, NVLD, social skills

Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS, Social skills and friendship