Is All Fair In Friendship And Employment?
Summary: In this post, Steve feels betrayed after a long-time friend he started dating applied for a job he interviewed for. Irene validates his hurt, explaining that competing without open communication or consideration damages trust. She cautions that failing to address this issue signals potential trouble for their romantic future.
Man at work (credit: Gemini)
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I told a friend of 32 years (a woman who I am currently starting to date) about a job that I interviewed for and she tells me that she wants to go for the job because it sounded like the job for her.
This, despite the fact that I haven’t been told I won’t be getting the job. She says that they would have hired me by now if the job were mine. Maybe, but should she even have gone after this job.
I’m pissed that she did and feel betrayed. What do you think?
Thanks!
Steve
ANSWER
Hi Steve,
If your friend only found out about the job because of you, she took advantage of the friendship. She may be desperate for work, but competing against a friend, without consideration of your feelings, feels like a betrayal to me, too.
Perhaps she has rationalized that since this is “the job for her” and not the job for you, it’s better that she apply for it rather than the employer hire a stranger.
But your friend hasn’t made any attempt to apologize or otherwise show any consideration for your feelings or concern about potential consequences for the friendship.
She has ignored the fact that you think you are still in the running and her actions suggest she is more interested in the job than she is in her friendship with you.
It is troubling that after 32 years, you don’t have the type of friendship where you can openly discuss a situation like this. She should have spoken to you to see if her applying was okay with you, and you should have been able to let her know you were angry when she didn’t.
If you can’t negotiate this problem, your dating future seems rocky. One further thought: What would happen if she got the job? How would this impact your relationship?
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about work and friendship:
- Working with Friends: A Double-Edged Sword
- Achieving closure after being dumped by a friend at work
- When work and friendship are a volatile mix
- Undermined by a work colleague who was also a friend
Reviewed and updated 8/26/2026
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
10 years ago a friend of mine and I both interviewed for the same job. But when he didn’t get it and I did, he told me that he had told them to just give the job to me. Lol! He was trying to save face and it just made him look even worse. Because I had “won” the position he decided to try and make me feel inadequate and also to make it look like he gave me the job. Lol.
I wasn’t upset or worried that he would get the job instead of me. Now if the friend had been a close friend of mine, they wouldn’t have remained my close friend after that.
Are you sure you want to date someone who would go after a job, you applied for and you told her about? That is some serious low-balling. Sounds like she has some serious entitlement issues. Stop wasting your time with people like that. Life is too short to deal with that crap.