Friendship: The Importance of Showing Up
Showing up is vital to a strong friendship.
Terri’s friend, Amy, doesn’t show up when she needs her. This has included numerous last-minute cancellations, forgotten birthdays, and a lack of support during Terri’s difficult pregnancy.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I have been friends with Amy since high school; we are now mothers in our 30s. I have a 10-year-old and another baby on the way. Last August, I got married, and that’s when things went weird. My husband and I had a very small, intimate wedding: only immediate family and a couple of good friends were invited. Amy was one of them, and she canceled at the last minute.
Her birthday is in December, and we got together at my house. I made dinner and also got her a little something for her birthday. Since then, the friendship has gone downhill, although I talked with her about it then. She is a single mom, and I understand because I was one until I got married. She also works a full-time job and lives with her parents.
My birthday was on March 18, and I never even got a phone call, let alone a gift. I spoke with her two days later, and she never mentioned anything. She asked me what I was doing over the weekend, and I said we were celebrating my birthday with the in-laws. She apologized and said she felt so bad, and she ended the conversation by saying we should have dinner when I felt better.
I’m 25 weeks pregnant and have been on bed rest for the last three weeks. I’m really disappointed that she hasn’t even stopped by to see how I am doing. I’ve discussed her behavior with her, but I haven’t talked about it in a while. Whenever I told her I didn’t appreciate how she treated me, she listened but always had an excuse. She also says that I don’t want to do anything unless my husband comes along, which is not true. It seems like she uses my marriage as an excuse all the time.
I should also mention that she has an eating disorder, which I think is part of the reason for her selfishness and this one-sided friendship. She has been battling that since we were 17. I have always been there for her, but I can’t say she has for me. I guess I’m really wondering how I should end the friendship? Thanks so much for your help.
Signed,
Terri
ANSWER
Dear Terri:
Your friend didn’t show up at your wedding, forgot your birthday, and hasn’t visited you for three weeks while you are on bed rest. Her apologies feel empty because they’re always accompanied by what seems like a flimsy excuse.
Perhaps you could depend upon one another when you were both single moms, but it sounds like you’ve been getting the short end of the friendship stick since you married.
Amy may have so many problems and responsibilities that she is barely managing to take care of herself. Or she may be envious that your married life appears to be in perfect order while hers is not. Whatever the reason, something is missing from your friendship now.
In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I quote Woody Allen, who once said, “Eighty percent of success in life is just showing up.” If your friend can’t show up when you are housebound or to celebrate something as special as your wedding day, you need to think about whether the friendship is reciprocal or has become so one-sided that it is no longer satisfying.
Showing up when a friend needs you is essential to strong friendships.
Here are two options, if either one feels right to you:
1) You can stop initiating further contact and see if you just drift apart, or
2) You can write her a note saying that the nature of your friendship has changed and you need some time away from it.
Don’t be accusatory; tell her you wish her well. Either approach leaves the door open if you decide to reconcile on different terms at some point.
I hope this is helpful.
Best,
Irene
Reviewed and updated 8/8/26
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
