Worried about the future
A woman is “saved” by a man 30 years older than her but is worried about the future.
QUESTION
Hello,
I am dating a man who is 30 years older man than me. He is 61. I also have two boys from another man. He saved my life and theirs. My ex started doing heroin and things got very scary. When my father died, my ex went to jail and I started taking to the guy I’m with now.
To make a long story short, he went and bought us a four-bedroom house in the country. Things couldn’t get any better. I don’t know what to do when he passes. I have no job, insurance or anything. I’m freaking out.
Signed, Vanessa
ANSWER
Hi Vanessa,
You are so fortunate to have met this man—with a big heart and deep pockets—who saved you and your family, and who has enabled you to begin the process of getting back on your feet.
I use the term “begin” because this is only the start. You point out that you don’t have a job, insurance, or any other source of income, and make no mention of having friends and other supports besides him. You have reason to be worried about the future.
Depending on the ages of your children, can you use this opportunity to find part- or full-time work to enhance your sense of independence and allow you to maintain your home and lifestyle? Finding work could also expand your social circle.
Since it weighs on you, have you looked into obtaining health insurance (perhaps, through the Affordable Care Act) to protect yourself and your children should you have medical expenses in the future?
Although this man is substantially older than you, the average life expectancy of someone his age is at least twenty more years. Do you see this relationship as a long-lasting one? It may be hard for you to separate your gratitude from your feelings about him as a partner.
In any case, it is important not to totally rely on any one individual for your survival. Use this opportunity to define personal goals for yourself, to make sure your children’s lives are secure, and to create a broader network of friends.
Hope this helps~
Best, Irene
Category: Husbands, boyfriends, and friendship
I’m curious as to your feelings about this man? Do you love him or do you simply see him as a kindly benefactor? I’m guessing this is a sexual relationship, does he talk about marrying you are offering any other security? If you are planning on getting married, that is one thing, but if you are clearly a friend with lots of benefits, that is entirely another. Since you are now in a better place, now is the time to start planning your future. You can Start taking classes to gain some job skills. I would also try to work part time in whatever capacity you can so you can at least put away a little money in case something happens. Is this home yours, paid in full and in your name? If you indeed own this home, it is something you could sell in the future should money ever become tight. If this home is in his name, then you’re simply staying there out of the goodness of his heart and have no real power here. That can be a dangerous position should he get angry with you, no longer like how the relationship is working out or some kind of control freak. I think you’re definitely in a precarious position, relying fully on another adult to support you is not a good long-term plan. It is good you were thinking about the future.
There’s a lot here that’s not right at all.
You and this man are in totally different stages of life, for one thing. It might work for a short time but isn’t likely to be much more than you wanting to be bailed out and him wanting to feel like he’s a generation younger than he really is.
It also sounds like you don’t even know him well. Accepting expensive gifts from men is not wonderful at all, let alone full support. You even mention your father passing in this short note, which makes sense. This man is not your father, and you are not a child.
You need to grow up, get a job skill, and take on your adult responsibilities yourself, not allow a sugar daddy to do it for you or attach yourself to heroin addicts, either.
good luck
congrats you lucky thing, God is looking down on you, he sees how things are for you & your kids, but use caution as I got married to a woman 18 years younger than me & my family did not like it because I did not see she was taking advantage of me, my dad was right all she wanted was my money, & I lost my apartment [wich it the right thing to do as she was in a wheelchair & hers was different to her needs than mine], but she conned me out of my money, & she did not want to move her things out to make room for me. I spend most of the time crying. My sister called & said “you do not love us anymore” then I e-mailed dad asking for help. So I am not allowed to marry again. Not: I have a menal disability.
Please find a therapist ASAP. Until you learn how to save yourself, you’ll never feel independent, secure and happy. Once you learn these skills, you’ll be empowered to make choices in the best interest of yourself and your children.