• Few or No Friends

Why Would Someone Have No Friends?

Published: April 17, 2011 | Last Updated: April 13, 2024 By | 4,593 Replies Continue Reading
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There are a host of reasons why some people have no friends…and it is a more common phenomenon than you might think.


Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends.

Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort. Even then, it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: In middle school, I had a very close best friend but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now.

So why can’t I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don’t call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get-together, we have fun… but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don’t get it. What is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood, I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don’t know what.

I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get-together, but then I see my others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?



Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you’re a pariah. It’s impossible to guess why your friendships don’t “stick” and there’s no uptake by others but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence—and it sounds like something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem (s)? Here are some of the possibilities why people don’t have close reciprocal relationships with friends or have no friends at all. I’m sure other readers will add to the list.


Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable too.


Do you feel like you can’t measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.


Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they’re around you?

Or, are you extraordinarily social—so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?

Psychological Issues

Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?

Lack of Experience

Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?

Situational Obstacles

Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.


Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.

Sometimes people who are depressed or anxious don’t have the energy to make friends or keep them.


Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling?

Are you fiercely independent—wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where?

Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.

Communication Style

Do you respond to your friend’s overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available online or by phone, depending on your friend’s preferred mode of communication?

Time Management Problems

Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?

Unrealistic expectations

Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can’t figure out about yourself.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling, or someone else you trust.

Since you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss, given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,

*An earlier version of this article appeared on Psychology Today.

Prior blog posts that touch upon having no friends:

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Comments (4,593)

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  1. Ashley says:

    Just scrolled through this and read a couple of post’s about having no friends. Nothing to worry about really! I could easily attract friends and my best mate did me over for money. Other friends dumped me when they found partner’s, reached out to me when single and dumped me again when they found a new partner. Other’s were late for organised meet up’s and sometimes just trying to set a coffee date became difficult. Then you have your friends who cannot afford nice restaurants and expensive holidays. I have formed groups only to be left out later because they had more in common like young children or gone through a divorced. Seriously unless you find people with a lot in common and as you get older it does get more difficult as most people have formed their social circle especially when they have been married with children. Best thing to do is just join clubs, gym, cycling club. golf club. tennis club, dogs club, etc Meet people like this and even if it’s a surface level interaction you will get enough socialisation to not really care. I prefer no friends as now I am not waiting around for them when they are late for our meet, I don’t have to hear about all their problems, I find it really easy to book a movie in the best seat as I am only one person. I don’t have to compromise when wanting to do things on a holiday and I don’t have to be dragged out every weekend when I rather stay home. LIFE CAN BE GREAT WITHOUT FRIENDS!!! 🙂

  2. Randy says:

    As I write this comment it’s a sunny and warm Saturday, from my sofa I look out the window, the sound of a lawnmower rents the silence as my neighbours across the street load up their car for a day at the beach, Old man Murphy is watering his prized roses, another neighbour just left with friends to go golfing, The laughter of kids echos through the yards… but I sit alone… with a familiar, empty feeling.
    I am a guy in my mid 50’s with no friends. It’s nothing new, I have had no friends for most of my adult life and now with my parents gone I have no family.
    I really don’t know why I have no friends, but I do know I am embarrassed that I have no friends.
    I am not a bad person, law abiding, friendly, I respect others, I’m not judgemental, I’m a good neighbour, I’m the guy who shovels snow from my neighbours drive in the winter… physically?, well, lets be honest here, I’m not Brad Pitt, but I have always been well groomed (if my clothes aren’t in style at least I can say they are clean). I appreciate humour, I’m a good listener and I’m compassionate… but, I have no friends.
    I played sports when I was young, an above average player and I was part of the team on the field… but I was only invited out after the game a few times. One night I hit the game winning home run…Me, I hit the game winning home run!!! I was the hero of the night… but after the game, I drove home alone as my teammates left together to celebrate the win at Barneys Bar.
    Needless to say I didn’t do well with the ladies, as a teenager and into my 20’s my parents, God love them, tried to help me get dates, but those dates were few and far between, Just 2 dates, two, This is hard to admit, even to myself, but I have been on just 2 dates in my 55 years on earth.
    At work I never attended the Christmas party or social get together’s (I didn’t want to go alone). On occasion I have lied when asked ” what did you do on the weekend?” my answer… ” got together with some friends. but those friends were of coarse, fictional, in reality I was by myself… alone, with that same longing feeling I still have today. When new employees are hired within a week they are part of the crowd, they seem to learn quickly that ”Randy is a good worker but he’s different”. I see co-workers giving others a hard time in a joking way… but no one jokes with me. What is wrong with me? I would like to say I am strong enough to not let it bother me, but I’m not that strong.
    I have tried to figure it out?, why I seem to repel people? At the risk of sounding paranoid, it seems people know me before they meet me (like I have a sign on my back that says’this guy is kind of introverted so don’t get too close). I can tell others aren’t comfortable around me, but I don’t know why.
    What is wrong with me? what is this vibe I am subconsciously giving off? I would like to say I am strong enough to not let it bother me, but I’m not that strong. I’m lonely, I’m tired and I’m scared. My faith has slowly evaporated, I know there’s a God, I see evidence of that on a beautiful day like today, but I feel like I was born without a soul.
    These are my inner feelings… These are my secrets… This is my life.

    • TC says:

      You have a nice writing style Randy! You seem to be able to draw people in just by reading your words. Look to those who value others and show respect without appearing insincere. Those are salts of the earth. Befriend others who share similar likes and interests as yours. It’s a good start. Try to steer from being too introverted. No one will ever be able to find you.

  3. Bob says:

    One thing I noticed in responding to Amanda, the original article. EVERY list mentioned as to WHY she has no friends is actually BLAMING HER for not having any. Every item listed is about where SHE WENT WRONG or possibly went wrong. It not even ONCE takes into account she could be scapegoated. I came away reading the response thinking…” if I were Amanda I would sense right away that I am indirectly, in a kind way, being BLAMED for having no friends”. WHY is it ALWAYS some PROBLEM that the friendless one has that makes people not want to be around them? WHY???? Read up on scapegoating…..its usually the truth teller, the one sensitive to what is REALLY going on in social interactions that is the friendless one. We live in a very FAKE social structure…status and “what can you do for meeeeeeee” is how people define friendships today. If YOU don’t give them what they seek….you are abandoned. People who are “friendless” in THIS SOCIETY are usually the truth seekers and tellers,their kindness is REAL and GENUINE. Fake people will become bitter toward you because yours is REAL.Unless you are simply a very evil and selfish person, people IN TODAY’S SOCIETY do NOT welcome those who are REAL and genuine…who seek the truth. Deep down they know that THEY WOULD BE FOUND OUT as you are the truth teller and are serious about relationships. The “pattern” is ALWAYS the same with this in all of human history….if they can crucify Christ for telling the Truth and being serious about how REAL relationships are maintained then they WILL DO SO TO YOU TOO!!! Love is mostly an illusion in our society where it is seen as what will you do FOR ME! Real love is pushed out because it requires real honesty and sincerity. This society cannot accept that. This makes you a scapegoat…a person they can , whether in secret or to your face, BLAME for problems THEY HAVE. They will even go so far as to PROJECT their problems onto you as if YOU are what they are! Consider this….if being INCLUDED means you must sacrifice the truth( honesty and faithfulness is built upon these)then it is NOT LOVE or LOVING…or compassionate…or accepting…..or RESPECTFUL. But it seems that the writer of the response to Amanda is playing the same “its your FAULT somehow” game as most do in society. Most in society today gather in clusters of like minded people. Now YES, they DO things together like boating, going to a nice restaurant…etc…but its NOT in the recreation that they form…its in the SLANDERING and GOSSIPING ABOUT OTHERS that knits them together. I have yet to witness ANY GROUP in ANY PLACE that does not TALK ABOUT OTHERS behind their back…there is ALWAYS one CHOSEN for that purpose. I have intentionally sat among people as a bystander and listened in on their conversations and its usually about a family member, friend or even someone at the place I am at they consider to be” they think they know everything”, ” look at him/her…why is HE/SHE here”….etc….pick your form that it takes. Face it!!!!!! Our society TODAY has gotten “progressively” self centered and ego based. They are ALWAYS looking for a way to talk about THEMSELVES…they do NOT really want to ask about YOU unless its a lead in to how they can talk about THEM! Do you want friends, relationships, family like that? I do not. It is never real…and the expectation I have is for something REAL and genuine. One has to feel safe and protected in conversations, especially when they are about to convey their WEAKNESSES to another. Unconditional love would look past weaknesses, forgive and KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP in tact. But today, its like going to a drive up window. You have a desire for a particular meal, you drive up, place the order. At the window you receive that order. But before you drive off you see they got some of that order wrong. FURIOUS, you drive back around and demand it be what you ordered. It is replaced with the order that satisfies YOU. Does not society TREAT you that way today? If you are not what THEY ORDERED they will throw you off as a defect! Thats the way of society TODAY.

    So…..those who desire to pass BLAME or establish blame are the self oriented ones. Ask yourself these questions:
    1) Do you feel safe and protected that you can admit your weaknesses to them without those weaknesses being used against you?
    2) Why do people SAY good things to your face but DISREGARD your feelings in social settings?
    3) Do people PRETEND to care but look for a way of escape when talking to you or set you up by asking a question that will allow them to talk about themselves?
    4) Do they say things like:” now, DONT SAY ANYTHING TO——“?
    5) Do you get blamed for being “too intense”, “too serious”, “too—“?

    These are just some TESTS to see if the person you want to be involved with is REAL and GENUINE. If they seek BLAME, as the response to Amanda was, they are NOT being genuine with YOU…you will NOT be safe or RESPECTED in that “relationship”. Check out the sites about GAS LIGHTING and SCAPEGOATING online. I think you will see that society in general is doing this ALL THE TIME. As it gets more into ITSELF these things will only intensify. Remember, these types of people CRUCIFIED the one who knew what love was all about. THEY will you too! Peace and love to all of you who go through this: YOU ARE REAL and EXACTLY what society NEEDS.


    • Ellie says:


      You said everything I was thinking and have experienced. The blame game, scapegoating, gaalighting ans word salad is the common denominator when examining the disparity between friendless people and people with lots of friends.

      I found the price to pay for having friends was to have to engage in gossip and placate others for their insecurities. I wasn’t willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of being dishonest and disingenuous. I deserve better. Of course that earned me the label: ‘you think you’re better than us’ and a plethora of other false accusations. Genuineness is not valued and if I was not useful I was discarded. The true test of a friendship, as I’ve said before on this thread, is found in those who remain your friends when you can do nothing for them.

      I would glad to have a friend like you, if you want to friend me on Facebook. The only way to do that seems to be via Irene’s Facebook group by the same name as this blog. There has been a lot of talk on here by some of becoming friends but, so far it has come to nothing. If it is different this time, that would be good.

    • Judy says:

      I agree with Bob. The response seemed very judgmental and full of blame. The social context of today is full of friends canceling on you for something better, whatever that is. Or they are too busy or they say they are working, when they still actively post on social media. It doesn’t help with the restrictions. (this is written in 2021) If you are a person of faith of any kind, or you simply have a different opinion and actually care about others, it seems to scare them away. The superficial people seem to have many friends. The genuines have to ride quarantines alone with no support.

      As soon as you lose your job, health, an important relationship, your home, independence, etc. it just seems your friends desert you. You reach out to them and they attack you for your situation, ignoring the fact there is a global pandemic, and in reality many people are struggling. Even before, they would give all sorts of advice though they never experienced some situations but feel they know how to “fix” you. It’s like a person giving parenting advice who has no children of their own.

      However, when you are doing well, they come to you asking for favors, help, even money. Relationships often seem one sided as the other person can’t be bothered to commit and it is exhausting having friends. How badly do you want human contact? Do you help them or be alone? Should there be a price on friendship? What is the meaning and purpose of friendships?

      True friends are rare and worth holding onto. They are harder to find and often you have to volunteer, get involved in activities or hobbies or travel to meet such people. If you are lucky they can be at your work, but if you lose your job then you lose those connections.

      Consider these factors when giving feedback to lonely people. Thank you for reading this slice of reality.

  4. Greg says:

    Sorry but I do not see what the OP is upset about at least she had friends. I had ZERO from Kindergarten to the 12th grade. I repeat zip friends I was bullied by some but for the most part just ignored by everyone. I remember being alone for 12 effing years like it was yesterday and its obvious it affect my life today now at 50+yrs. Since then I only graduated with a GED never went to college worked crapped jobs etc.

    Still no friends to this day but seems I got a little luck as stress over the decades probably caused my numerous chronic health problems that I deal with atm IE liver, Kidney and other issues. So I do not work instead I deal with constant pain, nausea and whatnot I take loads of medication and only traveling I do is do dr’s and specialists.

    Anyway I say lucky as this could be my way out of this 50yr nightmare dont get me wrong I am NOT suicidal just tired and just flat out done already. Sorry to be a downer but many of you do not have anything to truly be worried or upset about as friends or people do move on as everyone has their own lives and their own worries contrary to yours. I know some people are more sensitive toward these things anyway my 2 cents.

    • Greg says:

      I mean if ya stand back and look at all this most would see all this things about happy friends,social media and all are just plain nonsense. Who cares how or what others are doing or what ya see on tv or the media. Life is hard for most of us and people? Lets be real here truth is many are jerks. I also had no family support either so even that side of the coin BS to me as well. What it comes down to is we all survive on our own.

      • Karen says:

        All of this social stuff is annoying; it is all about who you know; status; it is nauseating… people’s constant need for socializing and putting on a facade in public and for their friends. It is all show. And yes, many people are not nice.

      • Clara says:

        I apologise in advance for the rant . I wanted to add that every time I try it becomes harder and harder to put myself out there , to take the first step , to reach out so every rejection is more and more hurtful . I have mentioned this to two people I have met and that was a stupid
        Thing to do I guess as they didn’t believe me , one even said to me everyone has at least one friend , well yes I did but he died . So there we are
        I don’t really know what to do now

    • Shirley says:

      Greg I know you didn’t write your story for sympathy or advice but I can’t fathom how life panned out for you. Amanda’s life is exactly mine and its more puzzling than anything. I find it hard to have questions unanswered. Ive had 100s of hours of counselling which have helped me to stop hurting others but I think some problems are out if our control. I just want to give you a massive hug to say I’m hurting just hearing your story and hope for better for you.

    • Bridget says:

      Hi there! I was diagnosed with Aspergers a couple years ago and it has opened my eyes a little bit. I can not say that I do not have friends because I do have one or two friends from childhood that when something important happens such as a death or birth we get together for support. But mainly we all have separate lives with our families and we all work like crazy, if it was not for Facebook I wouldn’t be able to be kept informed of everyone. You want to know why they choose to not include you. Well you will never know the answer to that. I’ve spent my fair share of being hurt over the same things. My answer is to just make your own happiness! People automatically want to be around happy people. But by then you will be too preoccupied to give a damn! Go volunteer somewhere interesting like an animal shelter or a non profit theater….a metro park/garden. Take yourself out on dates! Go see a movie every week… You don’t have that annoying person talking during the film. I know it gets lonely and you want a good chat sometimes. You can find a great MMO game online and meet all kinds of people and you can create different persons …who wouldn’t want to be a cool elf wizard for a couple hours a week. Good luck!

  5. Karen says:

    What do you do if you are dating someone who has a lot of friends? I am in this situation.. I am happy with myself generally, but my boyfriend keeps in touch with about 20 friends. I sometimes feel like an idiot; although he understands that I am a loner; and he is also a bit of a loner despite his contacts with friends. It is too bad that people judge others based on the number of friends they have. This is what I have found throughout my life. Even my younger sister called me a loser once cause I had very few friends when I was, say, 20 years old. And my parents used to tell me that I will become a hermit when I was alone in my early teens. To top it off, I have two sisters who never call me despite knowing that I am alone. Pure selfishness.

    • Ellie says:

      I’ve been in your situation too. I think your sister’s comments are hurtful. If she had been in your shoes, she’d have been crushed by that. She needs to empathise more.

      You’re blessed that your boyfriend understands the loner aspect of your life. Many don’t. I don’t bother explaining it to a boyfriend, if just unnecessarily complicates things and leaves me feeling lousy, especially if I wear my heart on my sleeve only to find it doesn’t work out. That’s one less painfully embarrassing conversation if I just wait patiently to see where it’s going first.

      I feel for you that your own family are unsupportive. When they’re older and need you, promise me you’ll stay strong and let them find their own way. It’s not retaliation, it’s karma. My family did the same to me. I might be much older than you – I’m not sure – but, I can tell you it’s pride on their part and pride comes before a fall, etc. Usually, when people criticise it’s because they’re afraid of it happening to them but, I’d rather have one or two real friends than an army of fake ones who’d not thing twice about throwing me under the bus or ditching me the second I fall in or fall on hard times financially. That’s the true test of friendship: is how friends treat you when you can do nothing for them. That’s the thing worth remembering above all else because all the impression making in the world doesn’t cut it when going gets tough.

    • Stephanie says:

      HI Karen,I’m in my 60s. Never was really popular but I have had the pleasure of some very good friends along life’s journey. If you die with one good friend in this world, you r very lucky. It’s not the quantity of friendship it’s the quality. I never in my life felt lonely until the recent deaths of my parents. I have realized they were my best friends. Despite having siblings, they all but abandoned me. I have a few very good friends but they are married and I am not. I find when you like yourself and enjoy your time alone, people will come. The true lesson in life is that life is hard, it’s easy to attract people in good easy times not so much when one is in a crisis. Positivity brings positivity and although that’s difficult we have to try our best. I’m a big believer. One is truly never lonely if you have a belief in God. I’ve been thru the worst, including cancer and I’m still here. I look foreward to reading all about everyone and will keep all in my prayers. Anyone from Philadelphia?

  6. SueZie Que says:

    Because I am my own person. I like to talk to others but I am not one to engage in things like parties, get togethers, etc. Being friend/friends means getting involved. In my case my husband had a stroke 13 years ago when I was 43, he became 24/7. All his so called close friends never even to this day offered to by a loaf a bread for him/us. I have struggled with times to go grocery shopping throughout these years. The only reason I am able to grocery shop nowadays is because he is on dialysis 3 days a week and goes to a dialysis center for dialysis. This allows me to go grocery shopping or to buy clothing and to take my disabled mother to her appointments. I had to put me on the back burner while caring for him and I delay BREAST CANCER TREATMENTS for over 6 months. I endured chemo therapy, breast cancer surgery and radiation therapy during the year of 201. My duration began January 04, 2014 and lasted until December10, 2014 all the while caring for my Husband and at the time my mentally disabled younger sister and my 84 year old mother. Unless a friend can somewhat be there for you they are not worth it. A friend is not just a party friend. They should be a friend through thick and thin. I would be there for a friend “if I had one” when I could if I can. I have a great older neighbor couple. We take care of each other and are there for each other when in need. I appreciate Joe & Betty and I am so happy I chose the house we live in in 2011. I have friends indeed, their names are Joe & Betty, and my Mom <3

    • Denise says:

      My experience is the same. I am on my own in this world. I have disabilities, too, but have to force myself to work (26 hours a week) and do all my errands, etc. Life is brutal. I am a Christian but there are no Christians at my church, just more selfish absorbed people who are busy taking care of their social life and family life and not interested in making friends. I have finally accepted the fact that I have no friends. My sweetheart passed away 7 years ago and when I die I hope to see him again. He was the only true friend. I have one other true friend but she lives too far away for me and we talk by telephone. I had a hard situation and another so-called friend didn’t even bother to call me back. I cannot imagine doing that to her. Then I get angry (suppressed) because people do things to me that hurt but I see them succeeding in their life and they hang out in their happy families and get blessed. Not OK.

      • Brandy says:

        Do things for yourself, and please yourself. Forget the rest. You deserve the best. Stand strong and remember it is mind or matter. Let them play in their own B.S, and you will see that you are not at fault. You just did not fit into their immaturity and falsehood. Consider that a blessing. March on and keep being strong and remember “you” are not the only one going through this “crap” of a <,]]@@@ society. Love your honesty.

    • Ellie says:

      @SueZie “A friend is not just a party friend. They should be a friend through thick and thin.” < just what I was saying to Karen. They're not friends if they disappear in to thin air the moment life gets a tough. That's when you know which of those people are truly friends. It's easy to call oneself a friend but, none of my so-called friends stuck around when I went through difficult times. I'd rather be alone and for someone who is alone most of the time, that's hard to say but, that's how you know I'm principled and would be a loyal friend.

      • Clara says:

        I so agree . I found this when my best friend died . No one even bothered to call me to see how I was doing and if I needed any help , not any member of my family or any of the people I knew . When my marriages broke up again no one cared , my first marriage was a situation of domestic violence and I once asked what I thought was a friend if she could help me and my then 2&4 year old by perhaps chatting with him and getting him to understand what he was doing , ( she was also a friend of his ) and she changed the subject, years later she turned up in the family court on behalf of the abusive ex saying that she was my best friend and that I had slandered him to her , that I told her I was going to alienate the kids from him ( never said this at all ) and that he was never abusive. She actually lived 1000 kms plus from us . I said she’s his friend and I know her through him , I thought she may be able to help us , my best friend is dead
        Lucky the judge believed me , he was the only one that did or my children could have been handed over to a very damaged person . Still I continue to trust people but it’s getting harder

        • Ellie says:

          Clara, I’m so sorry for what you went through – that must have been incredibly painful & I can fully relate. The best judges, well trained in deception, will spot false narratives and spurious remarks. It’s unforgivable that she fabricated all that about you – to me that reeks of jealousy. You deserve at the very least one honest, loyal friend. I gave up on finding one and just hope that perhaps one day I’ll be blessed enough to meet someone but, I may well be in my 60s. It seems nobody can be trusted. Of course that’s not true because you and I wouldn’t be speaking about our experiences on here if that was the case but, it’s hard to hold on to hope when you’re so evily betrayed so many times by people who you thought were your closest confidants. I now don’t share any personal info’ and the false ones show their true colours in lots of ways in reaction to that e.g. becoming irrationally angry that I won’t disclose private information because they’ve nothing to tear me down with but, it doesn’t stop them trying with totally fabricated stories about my life. It’s deeply unfair, painful and isolating. I hope we can also connect on Facebook in the blog. I know it’s embarrassing as hell but, we have to start somewhere. Perhaps if you post on there in the next couple of days we can look out for each other. You sound like a good person with a kind heart. Please don’t change or let the bullies steal what joy you have left. I know that’s easier said than done but, having been through very similar experiences I’m rooting for you!

  7. Carolinah says:

    I read through most of these replies and I can so relate to some of them. I am a good caring person most of the time. though I find it hard to trust people as from a young child I have been very shy and quiet and became a target of bulling at school. As I grew older i met certain people who let me down a lot like an ex husband and most of my romantic relationships did not work out, well all of them actually. People in general judged me very quickly or so it feels and I don’t make friends easily, i tend to keep people at a distance and seldom let somebody in or let them see my vulnerable side. I hate showing people that i am weak and i am a very strong person mostly but most strong people also need somebody, a friend that can listen also. I lost most of my shyness although i still feel awkward among many people, i hate parties and get together s and mostly i am the “little flower” at the wall not having any friends or interesting people around me. My own family and children included don’t even like me very much although i try very hard to work on having a relationship with them. I have a lot of love to give but sometimes i just feel like everybody is connected to everybody from my past present and future and all of them just has this conspiracy against me and warning everyone off from being friends with me. I had very few real friends but even if i had, at some point they were leaving me and loosing interest in me. This is a lonely life and even my current husband has many friends and places to go to, always on the go so that leaves me alone and by myself most of the time. He is good to me although we don’t really get on as i am also this self sufficient, strong but very independent person or so i am trying to let everybody knows, close or not close to me. I’d rather die than to let somebody see that i am also needy. I have very few family members and very far away from me, so this means i cannot even make a pest of myself and be on their cases all the time. If i don’t phone them i barely hear from them anyway so now i just stopped. I pretend being okay, i do social media, write and write and write the cutest things on facebook but even there i seldom get likes and replies. So i just started to figure that something must be horribly wrong with me. I always thought of myself as a kind of beautiful person, i look good and dress well but somehow i must be looking horrible because even my children feels embarrassed to be seen with me. So yeah, the fault must be with me and not everyone else. Please can anyone share some light on my situation? Please don’t tell me to join a club or a something because here aren’t in in this small forsaken town that i am living in. Oh and i lived in bigger towns with many people around, still i could not make a friend and if i did i could not keep a friend!

    • Melissa says:

      Have you sought counseling at all at any time? It sounds like a problem that has festered for your entire life. Being yourself and being confident and not really trying to be “out there” and having people like you is tough. The biggest issue, however, is making sure you like yourself first. If you are uncomfortable with you, then others will be as well. I have learned that myself after a couple tough lessons. I would seek help via professionals so they can assess the problems and let you learn them as you go and make the corrections that will be needed. It won’t be quick or easy as most things that are worth it are not, but i do feel there is help for you if you seek it.

    • Denise says:

      I think it is their problem and not your’s. If that is how they treat their own family then something is wrong with them. You sound introverted and prefer to write and have your time but you also have a need to socialize which sounds like me. I have the same problem. We cannot all be social butterflies and have the time to go out all the time but it is about creating that balance, the happy medium. Try reaching out to your family at home making them feel special, etc. but if you already do that then sometimes there is not much else you can do. I pray but sometimes that doesn’t always produce results over the short term and then I give up. It is a lonely world. Personally, I think people can be snobs choosing who they want to be with for their own status and they do not want to involve themselves with anyone who may burden them. I have a mild disability (fibromyalgia) which really makes me suffer but it is mild in the respect that it is not seen by others. I have to pace myself. Plus, I am cash poor and cannot afford a lot of things people do so that leaves me alone.

    • Clara says:

      Im the same . I have many friends on Facebook but mostly people from other parts of the country or even world . But even the ones close by are not interested in forming a real life friendship
      Once my address book was full of people I could call
      Now I don’t have a single name there
      And I’m not sure how counselling can help at all
      No one can make anyone want to know you if they don’t want to
      I think that the problem is our age group for one many seem to be 40plus , I have read that it’s the most difficult age to make new friends
      I don’t know anymore truly
      But I’m sending u hugs ?

  8. david says:

    And you are still complaining? from 0 to 14 i really have no friends at all, and from 14 to now i NEVER EVER hady anyone, in high school i was all the way alone until i left school

  9. John says:

    I too have lived my entire life in this situation of having a difficult time making/keeping friends. When I was younger I always felt that there was something wrong with me. As I grew older I looked at it more from a psycological aspect and have came to grips with the following:
    1. Friendships are formed from a cultural similarity. In otherwords the “friend” sees something in you that they can relate too. Cookie cutter people have many people that they can relate and thus have many friendships. People that are very differernt tend to struggle finding similar people, one example of this is highly intelligent people. If you noticed in school the people with the most intelligence were often the social outcasts.
    2. People that have tons of friends are often very insecure people. If you look at people that have to travel in huge entourages they have a psycological issues and use friendships as security blankets. One example that comes to mind with the 90’s basketball player Shaquile O’Neil. He would travel around the country doing shows with groups of 10 or more friends that he would foot the bill for everything. This is not normal or health behavior, but in this society the television gives this normalcy.
    3. The system encourages people to value friends over family. Since the 1960’s media, medicine, and education has had the agenda of pulling people further away from their families and the inherited culture that that brings and push them towards friends and the new social norms that they offer.


    • Sue says:

      This is right on John. I have experienced this firsthand. I was friends with a young woman and then we started high school and she got everyone against me because she was jealous of me. She was so insecure and wanted to have the most friends. She ignored me as did her whole entourage, also insecure followers of hers. I was very intelligent, pretty and nice and she couldn’t handle it. The insecure people need to be around people all the time.

      • Ellie says:


        It can also often be a way in the minds of some people to justify dysfunctional behaviours and create a sense of normalcy about them, which you are then in contrast with, which in turn justified bullying – including ostracising and pejorative remarks/belittling/humiliation. Exclusion is the easiest way to attempt to damage someone’s confidence. Whilst you might have to walk your own path, you gain self-respect from it. I’ve said time and time again that folks like you and I ought to make friends on Facebook but, when I’ve gone on Facebook (via the OP’s group) the contact isn’t sustained beyond initial pleasantries. I’m still open to having another shot at that, though because it’s a shame to let these opportunities slip away and feel had done by.

    • Ellie says:

      That’s exactly what I’ve found John and other people’s insecurities were exactly why I stopped trying to make friends with people, especially women who would mainly choose friends based on having allies to bully the women they felt most insecure around. I’ve always been confident, I come from an family of high achievers academically (not that I’m as accomplished as them), I’m also very driven to be self-educated, which friends haven’t been and grew jealous that I was knowledgeable instead of garnering their own interesting facts for themselves. I’m considered conventionally very attractive – I was always confident even when I was considered an ugly duckling, so my confidence can’t be attributed megalomania or a disproportionate view of myself in relation to others that might also be explained by a personality defect. I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation and whilst I’m easy going, I don’t suffer fools who are emotionally abusive or who use people. This tends to set me apart and although it means it can be isolating and even lovely at times, I prefer the rewards of being able to be myself and not having to hide aspects of my personality or a hievements so that people can feel less insecure, when the reality is that they know their issue with me isn’t with me – it’s with themselves and that’s something they need to work on.

      • Sue says:

        Hi Ellie. Thank you for the response to my little comment here. I agree with what you write. I don’t want women friends–well, maybe except you, Ellie… but from my experiences they are jealous, competitive with other women, insecure, etc. I would rather have male friends. But above all, I am happy alone, it is so satisfying to feel good alone and not need anyone, ie. friends.

        • Ellie says:

          I have only ever had male friends because of the reasons you’ve outlined. Unlike a lot of women I’ve met, I worked on my insecurities. Friendships are dead in the water without that self-development aspect yet, so many ignore it and seem to think it’ll magically resolve itself and instead opt for being jealous and destructive.

          I run a platonic friendship group on Facebook, if you’re interested. I’m sure Irene won’t mind me mentioning it because it has a completely different set of objectives to this blog and its related group. It’s called Platonic Friendships Between Men & Women. I’ve enjoyed periods of having abolsutely no friends but, it would be nice sometimes without feeling glued at the hip!

      • Deborah says:

        Hello Ellie, I took a chance & opened this Blog, I’m glad I did! You 2 let me know I’m not alone! I Totally relate with you, Ellie! I am not Egotistical, Mean, I just dont care for foolishness, I don’t Gossip, I prefer the Tabloids for that, I am a Good Friend until you show me your True Colors. But Alas all my True Friends & Family have died, so at 60+ I find it difficult to try New Friends, ya know? For fear that my new friend will leave in one way or another or they will show me who they really are. Relationships take time so I take my happiness in Minutes & Moments. I miss my Friends & Family, but I’m Glad I got you & Johns input, Now I dont feel so Alone.

        • Ellie says:

          Hi Deborah,

          Gossip is such a waste of time and energy. I focus on being around people who encourage, are supportive and want the very best for me.

          I can relate re: false friends. They’re prolific! I’ve become good at listening to my gut instinct, so I never ‘tolerate’ poor behaviour like meanness, incessant fault-funding & mind games. Life’s too short & I deserve better! We deserve better!

          If you want to join me on Facebook in Platonic Friendships Between Men & Women, I’ll speak to you there also. Irene set up a great blog & I’m glad to speak to like minded souls.

    • Shirley says:

      I like that you looked into this objectively. My readings and observations found. if you were raised in close communities then you understand the norms of your community and fit in easily. If you did not have community, then we cannot understand what we dont know. My husband has had strong community all his life and does not even realise it’s not that common. He sees my struggles but is so secure he doesn’t understand why I care that his people dont accept me. He his quite oblivious.

    • Clara says:

      I totally agree John
      It makes a lot of sense to me and when I look at myself objectively. I’m a deep thinker my nana always said
      I love art and books , and always feel like I don’t fit in . As if I’m an observer, even when I worked I had no friends , same with school I spent most of my lunchtimes sitting on my own .
      Everyone judges everyone today on their successes and their material achievements too I feel

  10. Ikran says:

    I have recently moved to united states. Since then I have beenough having hard time making friendship with American or other kids in school, I felt a total stranger.I am a shy person usually don’t know what to talk about, in the other hand I moved to a new state now and am a junior in high school, am still struggling to make friendship even with my own ethnicity people. On the lunch time I find nobody to sit with so I just go to the library and hide myselfrom in there, in my outside school life I also don’t have any friends on that, just go to school and straight to home, everyday and almost two years I have been living lIke this, I don’t know what to do with my life , sometime I think I don’t worth anything that’s why the others prefer other friends than me, it actually hurts a lot to see myself in a disappointingredients position like this

    • Jess says:

      Try putting yourself more out there, being shy can suck sometimes but hiding in the library won’t change anything. You really just have to make the first move, be yourself and if they don’t like you move on. Try joining a club that interests you or a sports team.

    • Jenna says:

      I have a suggestion based on my experience of being in 4 schools. Find a Christian group in the school and go to their activities. Even if you don’t believe in their faith (I eventually did, but not in the beginning), Christians are generally the most friendly people and reach out. I went to 4 high schools, so I know your scenario well. They almost always have a group in the school that meets. If not, try a local large church and go to their youth group. At one school, that was the main way I made friends. It will give you a group of friends and activities to go to.

      In the meantime, have you tried this app to find someone to sit with at lunch? It’s an app that locates friendly people who will sit with you at lunch. http://sitwithus.io./#!/Home

  11. Sam says:

    Sometimes it’s kind of my ‘fault’, because of various things (In my case one of my disabilities which I’m still ashamed of) and instinctively keep people at arms-length until I get to know them and I’m pretty sure, become a bit of an introvert as well. I’m now in my mid 60’s, so those ‘traits’ are ingrained pretty deep. I wish I could socialise just like other people, but get little feedback as to what I’m doing ‘right or wrong’ and wish someone would actually tell/teach me, but as far as I am aware, you’re supposed to learn by trial and error, but as I don’t get feedback from people, how the hell am I supposed to discover what I’m not doing?

    • Shirley says:

      I know right! I’m so tempted to call my supposed friend and ask why Ive been cut out. But i wont. Just curious. Ive been told being needy sends out the needy vibe that nobody likes so I got heaps of counselling for that but I think we are built to connect. I’m actually tired of working on my issues. Think I need to do fun things.

  12. Pengyou says:

    People who have friends do most of the work most of the time.

    I have many friends but few who make much effort

    Always look to find the very few who will make an effort

    • Lighthouse says:

      They say Quality over quantity hey! Sometimes you can have it all, with life, we never know! There are many phase in life. We learn, we grow, get stronger, we get comfortable with our imperfections. Taking big and small steps, being nice to ourselves, while not taking it too seriously. I use to be popular as a child, had unavalaible parents so they mess up with my self-esteem, then bullied, in my teen years, oh boy, some girls were so mean, and jalouse and push me around, some girls where very mean to me, take the good and flush the b**sh***t. In my twenties i was the helper with few friends but a lot where superficial and came around when in need, i didnt have fun enough to my satisfaction, then now Im just living day by day just lost the love of my life my cat bebe, had to let that boyfriend go, his more comsern with himself then anything else,
      I feel proud that Im such a strong person i survive the worst now life continues

  13. Melissa says:

    Hey…I had to share your words on my FB page bc they are so accurate…I hope you don’t mind…..

  14. xcx says:

    I can tell that she’s losing interest and now it’s hard to even get a reply from her on social media. Solitude can be really peaceful and satisfying, but even loners need someone to talk to from time to time. Good luck to all of you who are having trouble making or maintaining friendships, but I believe that there are people out there who are suitable friends for all of us, we just need to find them.

  15. Clay says:

    I used to have literally 100+ friends in my 20’s. Pre cell-phone, email and text.

    Over time they have faded away. I used to blame myself.

    When I appeared a “winner” had good looks, prosperity and health everyone loved me. I became injured, ill and broke. My family doesn’t even reach out anymore. I came to realize more and more people are just becoming self absorbed, distracted jerks.

    I can guarantee if I suddenly became “wealthy” the phone would ring off the hook.

    Choose your friends wisely and never compromise your integrity.

    May the wind fill your sails!

    As I change course I know it will have me sailing again.

    • Ellie says:

      I’ve been in exactly the same boat Clay. Your words resonate with me re: why I had friends and why I don’t have them. Self-serving friends are the crux of the issue. Being self-ful is healthy – a balance is healthy. Being selfish isn’t healthy and I won’t be used while I’m wealthy etc and dumped while I’m going through hardship. I nurture my friendships and qualitatively, it’s most important that they’re genuine, compassionate and focused on what they can give not what they can get. The latter friendships are not commonplace.

    • C.j.M says:

      Sorry to hear that. A similar thing happened to me, although I’ve never had 100+ friends or been all that popular to begin with, but I’m comfortable with that. Mind if I ask what happened? Work related injury, car accident? You are right. I guarantee if you were wealthy you’d not only be hearing more from friends you haven’t seen in years, you’d end up with friends and relatives you didnt even know you had. Haha!

      You make a good point.

      Oh, and my name is the same as yours.

    • Kimi says:

      I’m really sorry and I feel the same way and I don’t have friends either because every one person meet they just don’t realize I’m talking to them they just ignore me and now I’ve gotten to the point where I shouldn’t let people enter my life because I just have trust issues.

      • C.j.M says:

        Hi, just want to say I have the same problem as you. Been through the same thing probably my whole life. When I talk to people, it’s like they just ignore me. Whether it’s saying hello or giving an order, or explaining something, or asking a question or giving an answer, nobody ever listens to me anyway. And I’m just sick and tired of having to repeat myself to people who don’t listen or can’t hear properly. It gets extremely frustrating, and in the end I just dont even waste my time. Especially when you have something to share or say, and you’ll notice maybe that one person who listens to you and then if that person says the same thing and then suddenly everybody listens to that person. I just don’t understand it.

        It’s like when you’re a quiet person, people automatically dismiss what you say or feel. I’m so sick of it.

  16. Divan says:

    I’ve been struggling to keep friends as well, every time I moved schools they disappeared and also after college. Honestly it’s probably not their fault. I’m an introvert (INFJ and enneagram type 4) so a lot of people find me really quiet and awkward in any social situation. It’s also worth mentioning that people in their 20’s spend a lot of time at clubs or other places where they can socialize in masses and meet new people. Some people suggested trying to find similar people and to befriend them, but quiet people don’t always click. I met a girl recently and things were great for a while, but I can tell that she’s losing interest and now it’s hard to even get a reply from her on social media. Solitude can be really peaceful and satisfying, but even loners need someone to talk to from time to time. Good luck to all of you who are having trouble making or maintaining friendships, but I believe that there are people out there who are suitable friends for all of us, we just need to find them.

    • Kimi says:

      I don’t have a my friends either and I’m struggle too but I still have to continue with my life even if it means with people beside me. I struggle a lot but I try my best to have fun and enjoy life and that’s hard for me too and I’m a freshmen in High school. I’m really not enjoying my high school life.

      • Kimberly says:

        I feel your pain. Hated high school and any dreaded activities involved. (My 25 year high school reunion is 2018, not sure if I am going to attend) But you will find your people,it took me after the new year my freshman year. So hang in there sweetie, and concentrate on studies. I wish I had a chance to do over to get better grades. Good Luck!!

  17. TC says:

    I personally have come to the realization that there are very rare gems to be found in this world. Hate to sound pessimistic, but I am emotionally healthy and must have very bad luck or timing in finding true friends that will last.

    • CMG says:

      Well said and I’m so glad you posted this because I agree with you. I wish people were more real and genuine bUT at least where I live that is not the case.

    • Lighthouse says:

      When youve been burn before you have to give yourself time to heal..

    • Lisa says:

      Ok, I have been replying with little to no response. I’m a pariah with people who I have given repeatedly full disclosure to on this site. Yes, I’m dealing with medical issues. I can’t jump out a plane, I need a wheelchair to get from one gate to the other at the airport. However, I’m consideratexcited, fun to be around, live n love laughing, early retired (59). I’m seeking friendship, good old fashioned friends. Chronic illness doesn’t stop one from living but it puts people off. It may not define me but let’s face it everyone wants a friend just to kick ideas around. My illness is well hidden n I’m a young 59 with an old soul. Reading, painting or attempting is important. I’m not a b person who walks into a large gathering feeling comfortable. While this is just a blog, I’m hoping to find a friend. Why can’t we do that? Instead of venting let’s connect over something we can just enjoy like sightseeing, coffee for you n water or weak herbal tea for me. Chatting van lift the spirits a ton. We need to hold strong that women can be phenomenal friends married or not friends are just that friends. Someone you can share a confidence with or a situation and afterwards you may feel better. Kindness, connection and not standing on pompous ceremony n practiced smiles is easier if we stop venting n connect here. Try it and truthfully I would love to read that some of us found afterwards better use of this blog. I can go to the library and find books on becoming a friend. Same material just in a bound book. I like witty people but like our clothes I’m willing to adjust and accept. As long as we know boundaries, what do we have to lose? Just one more day of venting we have no friends? Anyone interested let me know. I’m proud active yet shy. At this age life is not about practice or reading vents. No dress rehearsals let’s get out there and make at least one friend! Yesh?!

      • Irene says:

        Hi Lisa,

        The blog isn’t intended or set up to connect people with friends. It is more for people to seek and get advice about issues affecting their ability to make and maintain friends.

        I’ve set up a special page on Facebook for people who want to make virtual or real-life friends. You might want to check it out: https://www.facebook.com/groups/222032554582414/

        Best, Irene

  18. TC says:

    I have found over the years, that many people are completely self involved, self centered, and selfish thinking. It is rare you meet a down to earth, salt of the earth person. You need to find these people in certain spots. Rare gems indeed.
    It is best to put yourself out there positively, but not too outwardly. There are many people who will take advantage of your goodness. Jesus was all good and people in his day and age despised him. Be leery my friends.

    • TC says:

      It’s called the luck of the drawer. Same goes with finding true friends. Very rare gems indeed. But worth the search. You appear to have good wisdom and sound advice TC. Not too many salts on this earth are to be found. It’s survival instinct, never pessimism. If you find them, hold on to them dearly.

  19. shoshanah says:

    i have down sin dum and people think i look weird i get called names why do people not like me i had to move form texas to potomac becaues my dad got a new jobs just caues i have down sindrum peoplee should not be mean i ma a vary kind girl i love art and gymnastics and it is vary hard to make frieands

  20. Lee says:

    Moving only 1.5 hours away proved my friendship of 20 yrs was not what I thought it was. I agonized all week before telling my bf that I was moving. I was convinced that her love and friendship would be there. Even though I made great efforts to visit and stay in touch, that resentment never went away. I was so close to her, often took her kids and spent time with them,so this was so very painful. It has been my greatest pain, but it has strengthened me. I spend a lot more time alone now. But I think I’ve went back to the way I was when I was younger. As an only child I was used to spending a lot of time alone. The girls in my neighborhood only tolerated me when the others weren’t around. I usually played with the boys, but I really wanted a girlfriend too. I’m still open to it if it happens, I try to be optimistic, especially after reading all these posts.

  21. ND says:

    How do I cancel notifications for this article? I really don’t like being reminded of Irene’s “advice” every two minutes.

    • Irene says:

      At the bottom of your message, there is instructions on how to unsubscribe from a thread. Hope this is helpful. Irene

      • Julie says:

        Hello, I think it is utter baloney that “to have friends you must be one.” That is a blaming stance and most who essay it have never been completely without friends. I want to know how I can BE a friend to slammed doors and turn red backs. I am not shy nor introverted. People take one look then turn away. I was abused by therapy and have nodesire to go that route again.

        • Liz says:

          I’m of the same mind Julie. It’s easier to blame than recognise the more complex psychosocial issues that are presented by those who reject people who are confident, intelligent, have charisma, morally upright, genuine, kind people who are also perhaps academically and professionally accomplished due to their insecurities who may well be abrogating responsibility for their own actions by further victimising the victim by scapegoating them because they have no friends. Victim is a debatable term because it often has negative connotations of being powerless but, to the contrary I believe it’s use in this context recognises the issue of isolation that is created by unintentionally as well as wilfully misunderstanding what is a central cause of the friendlessness.

        • Darlene says:

          I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I’ve never met anyone with the fine qualities you both mention above who didn’t have friends.

          Yes, it’s possible that a quality person such as you mention could be looking for for friends in the wrong places and meeting rejection because those people don’t feel like they have anything in common. That is one scenario. There are also groups of people who are cliquey, for sure.

          But…..I have to say that, barring the above examples, there is always a reason someone is consistently having a problem making friends. That is NOT a blame statement, I used to be in that position myself, with no friends whatsoever. There is always a reason and it isn’t productive to assume the rest of the world is at fault.

          What worked for me was to look clearly and objectively at myself. I’m a loyal, friendly person, with lots of interests and very fair to others. Always have been. I was also someone who talked too much, talked too much about myself, bit of a know-it-all, ignored the body language of others and was desperate and insecure. Not good friendship material. I both attracted, then drove people off over and over. I had to fix those specific things about myself (be a friend) to finally make friends.

          I didn’t do it by being hard on myself, or on others, but simply trying to look at what I was doing honestly and trying to learn from it. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be, the balance of good and bad is about where it should be now.

          • Christy B says:

            I’m share the same opinion as Darlene. I do think there are times in life that making new friends is difficult. However, if making and keeping friends has been a persistent problem then I think some self reflection is in order. I have a sister who would describe herself as a wonderful person and she is in some ways. She’s always had friend problems because she’s negative, talks over people, and doesn’t pick up on social cues. When things go awry it’s always the other person’s fault according to her. There’s zero honest self refection. I’m a very flawed person but I have friends because I’m willing to admit I’m wrong and I really try to be aware of my own behavior. I think the exception is when someone has social anxiety or is extremely introverted.

          • Melissa says:

            I agree Darlene…I read another of your posts speaking of the issue of being an only child. I had 2 sisters myself..One older and one younger, so being the middle child may have some tendencies of the only child. You feel like you have to be like the older one and when the younger one is just as outgoing and having lots of friends/buddies to hang out with, I found myself not being genuine to myself. I was not popular in school, I didn’t have but only a couple friends and even those kind of wasted away once we all separated. When I graduated HS, i left the town I grew up in and moved up north with my older sister who was somewhat established there. She kind of looked out for me as i was very shy and quiet. Needless to say, I grew up and slowly figured out who I really am and it was enlightening and frightening at the same time, but it was okay b/c I needed that. Anyway, I had a few friends at my workplace and since working with the same group for almost 25 years, it made it easy and comfortable for me. I had friends outsode of work too, but only a few. One, in particular, I have known for 33 years now, but since we both left the state , we have not been so close. I have figured out, painfully too, that there must have been that time for us where we were close in location and in needs that kept us going, but ever since moving apart, I know that things have changed quite a bit between us. I finally realized that we really were there just for that time and now, as hurtful as it IS for me, I know we just don’t share much in common anymore..BUT, alas, it is okay b/c even though I know I need more work o me, it will be okay….Hoping you are fine as well…..Time will help I think and reflection on who we each are…

        • TC says:

          yes, I have experienced this after being a very good person to others in need and those who weren’t in need. People are selfish and self centered nowadays. Society has allowed this and many are becoming more and more socio-pathic in their thinking and doing.

          • Darlene says:

            TC, some people are self centred, but lots aren’t. I know lots of people who give back to others, am fortunate enough to call several of them friend. They are out there. The thing is, you tend to unintentionally invite the worst of people in when you aren’t in a good place, yourself. I’ve gone through several friends as I got healthier emotionally. I had allowed people with unreasonable, unhealthy expectations of me into my life, when I was depressed and lonely. When I got healthier and realized that the relationship was really uneven and tried to correct it, the relationship ended. The person was angry that I wanted my fifty percent say as it were.

            Does that mean my ex friends are representative of people in general…NO! Thankfully… I had to be much healthier myself before the people I have in my life now arrived. It started with me, not them.

          • C.j.M says:

            I’d have to agree. There are a lot of selfish people nowadays that only think of number one. Not everyone, obviously, but a lot. If we lived in an understanding, caring and empathetic world, then we wouldn’t have issues like inequality, greed, war, racism, sexism, terrorism and discrimination. But that’s not the world as it is. You can believe that the world is full of good people and that deep down inside everyone has a heart, but then you might as well believe in fairies and unicorns as well.

        • Tanya says:

          Julie, I must agree that it is “blaming” to say “to have friends you must be one” and is not at all helpful to anyone.

          I am so glad I can come in here from time to time and read the posts of people who seem to struggle with the same anxieties and failures as me – I am not alone!

          Your additional comment “abused by therapy” caught my attention straight away – I would really like to discuss it. I don’t feel abused by therapy but definitely disappointed, to the point of viewing two separate “therapists” who were recommended to me, as being narcissists.

  22. lost in the dark says:

    Ode to the memories of you…These words…so fragile…each one can break or save…a single moment wrapped in buried feelings…each one of us passes beside another…a tiny offering of real compassion is all that is asked…but i expect nothing so disappointment will not be my companion…i still dream of you…your faces are now blurred but i remember your voices so clearly…the last moments and sentiments…colton, obi, aaron…each of you passed through my life…walked on and left without a thought…now a 1000 years have passed…no one has ever understood, tried or taken the time to see me for what i am…this american lost in the dark cold depths of denmark…in my ’20s i found the 3 of you…when you slipped past me…no longer needed me…my soul broke…i left everything behind…tried to start something for myself…a new vision of myself…but here…15 years of living in the dark…adults are such weird creatures…friends are found in youthful days…there is no more space in their private lives for someone new and strange..how i have tried…given, accepted, helped and supported…15 years where life revolves around the husband, inlaws and a very distant family seperated by 15,000 miles…the beloved mother left this world in june…with her voice, compassion and care now silenced, so disappeared the eternal link to siblings who no longer need me-for anything…anything at all…i am an expert on the trials of loneliness…i thought i had found a way around the bends…but with this greatest of losses the true intentions of those around me were so clear…my life holds only 4 people…family…know that i have room for more…a life needs more than family to thrive…a life needs new voices…a life needs something outside of the home…to flourish…to breathe…to renew…

    • Melissa says:

      OMG, I read your post a few times over as it just hit me right to my core. How perfectly expressed are your words to tell your story.
      You are so right about a life needs more than family. It needs new voices, new connections with which we can flourish and thrive. How many of us could use this but as you said, and how true it is, s that when you do make friends, it is in your younger years. People do establish the friends they have and to allow another to enter such sacred domain (or so it seems) is nearly impossible. I do try but I think what you explained here really makes as much sense of how I feel like I have to go a million miles extra just to be an acquaintance….Thank you for sharing such a moving story and i hope that we all can find some way, somehow, to at least find that one special voice outside of all we now know, that can fill the void of silence and gives us room to grow…

    • Rebecca says:

      Lost in the Dark

      Your writing is beautiful.

  23. Sabine says:

    This is not a reply to anyone in particular…..
    I am going to unsubscribe to this site. All I keep reading are posts from people with severe depression and it’s hitting a raw nerve with me. I don’t mean to be insensitive but everyone has problems and many choose not to dwell on them or to feel sorry for their self. I have zero patience for emotional vampires that seek out online sites to air all their medical ailments (mental or physical) just to draw in people to feel sorry for them.
    If you’re looking to make friends don’t use your vast medical history as the topic of discussion – leave that with your physician, therapsts, or beneficiaries. Your ailment should not label you as a person, however being negative all of the time looking for sympathy will cause people, like me, to walk away from you faster than saying you have some contagious airborne disease.
    If you don’t like your circumstances, change it. Look on Craigslist for support groups, or special interest groups. See a nutritionist and change your diet if you’re depressed. Even if you have a physical disability join a bowling league, take an art class, take a cooking or pastry class, or join a book club. Learn a new hobby like sewing or wood working. Anyone can join a gym and take up yoga, Tai Chi, or learn Swimming aerobics.
    If you want to marinate in self depreciation, go right ahead. There’s always an audience for emotional blackmailers. Or you can take the steps and change all of that and come back on here and post your success stories with making new friends or starting a community group where middle aged people and empty nesters come together for pot luck parties, or go out on the town together.

    I’m not perfect nor do I strive to be. I’ve got my quirks just like everyone else has. I grew up in a typical dysfunctional family where my mother was a narcissist, where anything I had done was never right or good enough for her standards. But that was her problem. Her keeping me isolated probably initated me becoming a loner. But I also learned through the years as a flight attendant that over 90% of the general population are total assholes – even I can be one at times. But I also learned that being alone is OK, and that it’s my choice if I want to be happy. I’ve learned not to base my self worth on the number of friends I have or how popular I may or may not be.

    Most on this page are in their golden years or twilight years. Don’t leave this earth without having good memories.
    Get out of that dark place, make a new habit of trying things out of your comfort zone. Having dinner alone in a restaurant is not a bad thing because most patrons would be sitting there thinking they couldn’t do it – so from afar you’re admired and you wouldn’t even know it.

    • LauraSL says:

      You raise some really good suggestions and I like your can do attitude. Some of the people posting here are so severely depressed and isolated, posting here is a first step for them and fortunately this site exists to help them. Maybe posting here gives them the courage to take that first step? I seriously doubt they bring up their medical issues when trying to make friends in the real world. But they can openly post here with anonymity to seek out support and ideas from others.

      • Melissa says:

        Thanks LauraSL…Yes, many of the people here DO need this to try…No one has a perfect life but part of what the previous poster says is true…yes, we have to try to get out of that dark place and try. Sometimes we are all not there yet. Therapy does help for some and that is if they can be reached AND if they work the program (so to speak), but to just say stop it and go do something is really too simplistic for many people. I have been working on myself for a long time and am trying. Failures do happen and many cannot even manage a failure, so again, to look at just fixing yourself and getting past and joining this or that may work for some, but not all… Just my opinion….

    • Markus says:

      you are spot on and I really like what you wrote and could not agree with you more. I like the attitude you exude in your style. Life is what one makes of it!

    • Carmela Minor says:

      Hi Amanda,
      I’ve experienced the same. I’m also an only child and I feel that only children (depending on family dynamics ) sometimes find it hard to socialize.
      It sounds like your doing everything right just don’t worry too much. If certain people don’t included you after you’ve reached out to them , just let them go and move on.
      When you dwell on that group or person too long you may be missing out on other friends.
      Just be open to new people and don’t try to hard .
      When you least expect it someone will become a good friend.

      Good luck to you.

    • Jann says:

      Wow just came across this post when I gooled something and I’m upset at the time I’m haven a bad week with my pms it always gets me down and I go into myself suppose you might think feel sorry for myself but I think we all do time to time but I wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post cuz it snapped me out of my feeling sorry for myself buzz your so right if I want to make new friends I need to join something I think when you don’t work all day you have to much time to think and you can feel alone and the fact Facebook just upsets me cuz I see old friend’s still happy and doing things together and it makes me bitter I don’t know how I ended up like this at 35 and no friends I’m such a friend down to earth person but I do speak my mind a lot but I’m also a very loyal friend and I have been let down in the past by people I taught were my frinds you said something that stood out to me it was not to base my self worth on the number of friends I have or how popular I may or may not be I think that what I get down over cuz I was never popular always the class clown make people laugh tried to stand out but in the end it didn’t get me fare maybe friends just taught I was a loud mouth and to emotional ha I’ve had lots of aquatince part friends to booze with but they all faded to and as for the diet thing I get that part to cuz I don’t work I stay home and eat a lot of junk food some days make the effort to walk not take the car I fuss I just need a lot of work on myself like list in your post I don’t know you but your the kinda friend we all need that gives us that kick up the ass lol hope you get this message and not gone just yet x

      • Sarah says:


        It looks like Amanda, you and I are all in the same situation. I too all my life have never had any true friends. All the friends I had have now got married and moved on so they never bother to keep in touch. It would be so cool if we could start some kind of group somewhere for all the lost souls.

        • Melissa says:

          I think a positive support group would be great! So many have gotten lost by the many changes that life has for each of us. My circumstances came with moving away from one person who I once considered my best friend. I do believe that changes like moves and other life issues do make the changes to friendships that may or may not have survived if things or situations remained the same. Unfortunately, we do have things that change and with that, it makes those friendships and other things different. I barely correspond with this woman who was like my shadow for almost 20+ years, but now it just hurts. I do understand that our different locations and her having new friends where she is the way it has been for us. I do get it, but b/c I ended up where i am with no real contact with anyone b/c I just am not where i feel i can be who i really am. it has had some detrimental affects on me and my life. I understand that, until I do leave where i am, I fear my friendship making isn’t going to happen, but I also believe that, as we get older, people have their lives as they have them, all set with friends, relatives, whatever and it is very hard to become part of a set group or person b/c of that. I won’t give up but it sure does get quite distressing and depressing for me….

    • C.j.M says:

      I haven’t been here in a while, but I read your post, and I just wanted to say some things. If you don’t like your life, change it. That’s true. And whilst I DO agree with your advice, parts of it struck a nerve. I don’t think things are always that simple. Many people with depression and anxiety hide their illness out of shame, even isolating themselves, so they won’t bring other people down. And you’re also telling them not to seek out help online and to just shut up about it? Critical and blaming attitudes like yours just make them feel worse about themselves, and probably do more harm for mental health than help. Many depressed people you wouldn’t even know were depressed because they just hide it from other people. Also, not even who suffers depression is the same. Look at Robin Williams, for example. You’d never know what he was dealing with. So until you know someone’s circumstances or history, don’t always assume that things are so simple.

      • C.j.M says:

        Sorry I didnt mean to be nasty or anything. I just think we should be a bit more empathetic. I mean, if someone needs a shoulder to lean on or whatever, the least we could do is be there for them.

    • Kat says:

      You seem cold, and dismissive. I suppose we should be glad you’re not in our lives as I doubt you’d ever support anyone if they voiced their troubles. Why are you trying to make people feel as though they shouldn’t try and reach out? The world can be lonely, lets not tell people not to open up doors for help.

      • Liz says:

        I couldn’t agree more Kat

      • C.j.M says:

        Exactly right. And let’s not push them away whenever they try. Sabine seems to display a lot of ignorance when it comes to depression and a lack of empathy. But contrary to popular belief, it isn’t a choice and it isn’t something that goes away just by trying to be happy.

        • DarleneH says:

          I think her point it to take some steps, is all. What steps are up to the individual person. Haven’t been on this blog for some time, but this conversation seems to have been recycled again.

          Point being, going in a circle gets you nowhere in the end. Just a different part of the same tired old circle.

          It make take some circling, but if a person wants things to change, like it or don’t like it, the circle needs to be exited. Or don’t. But don’t criticize people who point that out, especially as gently as Sabine did. Just sayin…..

          • C.j.M says:

            You may agree with her. But I wasn’t criticizing her for that. You missed my point really. I was taking aim at her “advice” to people with depression. As someone who has suffered from depression myself and knows what it’s like I can tell you from first hand experience that it is a very real illness that doesn’t just go away overnight, that it isn’t just feeling sad and sorry for yourself, that it isn’t just a negative attitude. It affects all areas of your life, physically, mentally, etc. And attitudes like hers towards people with depression aren’t all that uncommon sadly. Telling a depressed person to “just cheer up”, “stop feeling sorry for themselves” or “just be happy” and referring to them as “emotional vampires” isn’t exactly helpful advice. You may think she was being gentle or helpful or whatever, but if you were a person yourself who had either suffered from or suffers from depression hearing things like this from people who dont understand is like a kick to the stomach.

          • C.j.M says:

            That’s my point. I didn’t mean to criticize anyone. But I was just saying to be empathetic of someone if you dont know their circumstances. Especially when you’re at breaking point everyday, and you barely have the energy to get out of bed or make a cup of coffee. What has helped are people who are caring, compassionate and understanding and there for support. That’s what people with depression need.

          • C.j.M says:

            I’m sorry DarleneH I didn’t mean to go off like that. I hope you’ve been well. Long time no see here. I am sorry for some of the things I’ve said to you, you’ve been nothing but nice to me, and I’ve been a real jerk to you. I agree with your comment. While that was Sabine’s point too, I think she could’ve put it a little bit nicer, and yeah I know I could’ve said what I said in a nicer way too. Hope you’ve been well DarleneH. It’s been a while.

            • Darlene says:

              It’s okay, CJM, I was a bit pointed, myself. I know how it feels to be depressed, not diminishing your experiences or anyone else’s.

              Everyone is different, so the answers are different, too. But the common thread is finding a way out, no matter how hard. That’s kind of what Sabine is trying to say, I think. And it is hard…but unless you look past the hard to what’s possible, it’ll all stay the same (The circle thing, I had one of my own going one).

              I’m definitely not suggesting people just cheer up. 🙂

        • Lynn says:

          Sabine reminds of chickens that will peck to death an injured member of their own kind or one that is different in some way, with specks on it’s feathers or different color. This display of coldness and lack of empathy on her part is EXACTLY why so many are lonely and isolated in this world. Because they are not wearing a MASK and are not SOCIOPATHIC in nature like all the phony, la dee da pretentious “everything’s great” all the timers. These are narcissitic robots, not real human beings with COMPASSION AND EMPATHY. And these are the types that love to form cliques and “peck to death” anyone who doesn’t fit into THEIR mold. Jesus said that “the love of many will grow cold” in the last days and Sabine is a perfect example of this heartlessness (soul-less?).

          • Light house says:

            I agree with lynn (im a francophone be nice with me) though sabine says 90% of the people are assholes, but the psychological term would be disconected… Lacks empathy and heart.. Maybe not 90% maybe 40% maybe less hopefully, but maybe its to find a way to stop attracting narcissists…Aka the ones who robs you, manupulate you and has a great audience to feed from… the look at me how I am so glorious type but oh so selfish and phony.. If people could stop giving them power (mr trump is a great exemple) north america could be a better place. Emotionally these type are the vanpires that miss nadine should be talking about and when you got abused you become depress so its the other way around and it can be many things from having been rape, psychologically abused by parents etc… The trick is that why you have to surround yourself with the right friends that can support you, the one with experience, conciousness, awakenes and that have a good heart like you, and avoid the ones that are hurting you..

      • Tanya says:

        Yes, agreed! I was very uncomfortable with the tone of Sabine’s post. Calling people “emotional vampires” is a bit harsh … especially as this is a very helpful site, which exists to support the lonely, the friendless, and the depressed. I know that “emotional vampires” do exist, but this is “The Friendship Blog”, not “The Lonely Angry Bitter and Twisted Emotional Vampires Ready to Suck the Life Out of You Blog”.

    • Vincenzo says:

      Sabine – my initial reaction while reading your post was to dismiss you as a heartless, arrogant know-it-all. But as I continued reading, I saw much of what you said described me and my situation – a bit of self-realization. I let it sink in and realize now that this is probably what I need to hear. I think I’m going to save your post. So – thank you.

    • Vincenzo says:

      Oh, and by the way – “over 90% of the general population are total assholes”. Priceless.

      • Light house says:

        90% of the people are [EDITED BY MODERATOR (PLEASE KEEP YOUR LANGUAGE CLEAN WHEN YOU POST HERE. THANKS!] but the psychological term would be disconected… Lacks empathy and heart.. Maybe not 90% maybe 40% maybe less hopefully, but maybe its to find a way to stop attracting narcissists…Aka the ones who robs you, manupulate you and has a great audience to feed from… the look at me how I am so glorious type but oh so selfish and phony.. If people could stop giving them power (mr trump is a great exemple) north america could be a better place. Emotionally these type are the vanpires that miss nadine should be talking about and when you got abused you become depress so its the other way around and it can be many things from having been rape, psychologically abused by parents etc… The trick is that why you have to surround yourself with the right friends that can support you, the one with experience, conciousness, awakenes and that have a good heart like you, and avoid the ones that are hurting you…

        • Lighthouse says:

          Hello moderator 3 people have use to the bad word and Im correcting it with the expression disconected why are you writing on my comment with capitals letters like I did something wrong.

          • Irene says:

            Thanks for asking. I can’t read every message on the board but when I do see inappropriate language, I try to flag it so it occurs less often.

    • Turtle Dove says:

      Sabine, not sure if you’re still reading post on this site, but if you are, then here are my thoughts. (Warning – long post).

      It’s lovely that you only need advice on friendship issues and don’t have any severe mental or physical ailments that you need to vent about (and yes, I’m fully aware that you may be dealing with illness yourself, but based on your post I can conclude that you are not “struggling” – and that’s where the important definition lies here). However, please spare a thought for those of us who ARE struggling with depression and/or physical illness and don’t have ANYONE to talk to about these issues. It may be a bit tedious for you to have to read about these things (although, you know, no-one’s FORCING you to read them!), but I can assure you it’s MUCH worse for the people actually struggling with these issues.

      I haven’t actually come across any “emotional vampires” in the posts. Just the occasional REALLY desperate person, wanting someone out there to hear them and wanting to not feel discarded by life. And, really, there is no such thing as an “emotional vampire” on an online forum anyway, because the term implies that you can’t avoid them, or get away from them. Obviously, in real life, this happens a lot and it can be difficult to deal with. But on an internet forum?? Really?? Again, I come back to asking why you couldn’t just NOT read those posts? You’re under no obligation to read them, or provide feedback, so how can they be “emotional blackmailers”? So, the only conclusion I can draw is that you feel irritated by people who need help more than you do. Or you feel irritated that these people can’t just sort themselves out and do the things you’ve done to improve themselves.

      I can promise you that whatever friendship problems you have would be a million times worse if you were also struggling with a chronic mental or physical illness, especially as (in my experience), friends tend not to stick around too long when you’re chronically ill. So, you’ve got a scenario where you’re ground down and at your lowest ebb and feeling desperate on a daily basis, but your friends have deserted you and you can’t make new friends because you’re too busy being bedbound, or you’re enduring long stays in hospital, or you’re using all your energy trying to limp on with working so you that don’t lose your house. You need someone to talk to about all of this SO MUCH – life is so damn difficult when you’re in this situation and you need a friend like never before, but there isn’t anyone. Life is pretty effing grim, when you’re severely and chronically ill. BUT, then you find this amazing online forum, where you can read how other people deal with stuff and you can post your thoughts as well. Suddenly, you’re not invisible any more – someone cares! You pour your heart out, about how your friends have all melted away, since you became ill……. And some kind soul out there RESPONDS. Just knowing that someone has read your post makes you feel a bit more like a human being. A bit more like you actually matter. I’ve been in a situation where this sequence of events has actually saved my life…… as in stopped me ending it and given me strength to carry on. I’m not expecting you, with your ridiculously simplistic outlook on life, to understand this. But I want anyone else who may have been deeply offended by your post to know that they matter and they should carry on writing whatever posts they want to.

      It’s lovely that you think we can all afford therapists (we can’t) and that our doctors have time to listen to what it’s like to be chronically ill and alone (they don’t). Or that we all have beneficiaries (we don’t). Let me repeat this again – some of us have no-one. From reading your post you seem to have led quite a charmed life. You are blissfully unaware that not everybody has the mental, physical or financial resources needed to improve things.

      I’m completely baffled by your “if you don’t like your circumstances, change it” comment. Yep, I would love to “change” being chronically ill and bedbound. But there isn’t going to be any bowling, art classes, cooking or pastry classes, book clubs, sewing, woodwork, gym, yoga, Tai Chi or swimming aerobics for me. Just lying in bed, on my own, staring at four walls. Sure, I can try to watch interesting documentaries and read lots of books and meditate, but often I am too ill to do even that. Can you see how things can become quite grim? Bearing in mind what I’m dealing with, on a daily basis, I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my spirits up, but inevitably there are some quite dark times when it’s hard to stay positive and I’m desperate for someone to talk to. Forums like this have been a Godsend.

      And I guess you can’t understand why people with mental illnesses (who are not physically incapacitated) like depression can’t get out there and do physical stuff. Well, I’m guessing you don’t know too much about depression, because here’s the thing about it – you can’t function. I’ll leave it at that. Maybe one day you’ll come across someone with depression (or a physical ailment) and you’ll understand why your little list of suggestions and hobbies is so howlingly funny. Sure, people with depression should try to have hobbies and whatever – not disagreeing there – but it’s not always that simple.

      Also, it’s all very well saying find some support groups, but that’s not always the magic bullet you think it is (for reasons too lengthy to go into here). And effectively what you’re saying to us is that ill people should only be allowed to talk about their problems with other ill people, in support groups and the like. They shouldn’t bother healthy people with their inconvenient desperation, or taint the discussions in any way with descriptions of how bloody hard their lives are and how they just need a friend.

      Oh, and BTW, for those of us ill people who do get the opportunity to meet new people face to face, I can assure you that we don’t talk about our ailments all the time. Or at all. In fact, we’re so desperate to make friends that we sometimes go to great lengths to hide the fact we have a chronic illness. And this in itself can make things tough.

      Oh, and BTW again, we’re not all in our golden years! I literally have no idea where you’ve got that from (and even if we were, there is no need to be quite so patronising!). I am in the 30-40 age range. Yes, youngish people can be ill and alone too, not just older people.

      I genuinely admire what you said about learning not to base your self worth on the number of friends you have – this is very valuable. But, maintaining a feeling of self worth is pretty difficult when you’re depressed and/or physically ill. Sorry to bang on about how difficult things are when you’re ill, it’s just that erm, well, things are difficult when you’re ill!

      Bottom line: people struggling with severe mental and physical ailments need help with friendships even MORE than people like you, because they are dealing with so much more than you are. I’m sorry that you wanted this forum to be solely for people who are relatively on top of their lives and able to cope and just using it for chit-chat about mildly annoying neighbours, or whatever (no disrespect to people who do this, I just think that this forum doesn’t have to be limited to only that). But some of us have been helped enormously by the responses from the more compassionate internet users out there (you know who you are – THANK YOU!!). You don’t get to decide what people can write posts about. You could have simply NOT READ the posts that didn’t meet your strict criteria, or you could have even just quietly left the site. Instead you felt the need to let us know you’re flouncing off, by admonishing the people who dare to admit they’re in a really bad place. Don’t just assume that these people have done nothing to try and help themselves. Often they’ve (we’ve) tried for years and years to stay positive and get help and keep going, but sometimes it doesn’t work and they (we) feel so desperate that they (we) just need a friendly person on an internet forum to say something nice. We’re not all just wallowing around in self pity for the sheer hell of it. I’m actually struggling to remain polite, writing this, because the lack of compassion and level of self-absorption you display is truly shocking.

      • Tanya says:

        Turtle Dove – well done you! Beautifully explained and quietly restrained! I read Sabine’s post and was quite shocked and disappointed by it. Perhaps she doesn’t GET what this blog is actually all about …

  24. Melissa says:

    Your pain is so clear and present here. I read your post and could only feel the pain of your heart and mind. I have definitely felt as you do now. Sometimes, even in my current life, I feel that way. I felt I “had” a life, but being in my late 50’s, it almost feels insurmountable to manage through and get even one friend that I can count on. I have one woman, by default (she was my mom’s best friend and she is mine now since my mom died)that I can trust and feel she would keep all that I tell her, in complete confidence. Of course though, she is 30 years my senior and we don’t have much in common in many areas that allows us to be friends, but not someone that i can hang out with, do things with. So, being in the position that you are in, I DO understand. It feels like you wee always there for others, always there no matter what for that friend you thought would always be there for you. Yes, sometimes circumstances get in the way, but if someone is that close, they should be able to make time, to make time to understand and to just be there. I get it. Many of us here do try to find our way in whatever situation we are in. Some more depressed and desperate, some less. I am a depressed person who has tried to manage through that for many years. My mother had it too and i feel that it was passed down to me. My two other siblings cope so much better than I and they also have full lives. Mine, like yours, is empty. Void of real friends, void of time and conversation. So, like i said, I DO understand.
    Please write back. Write all you feel b/c i do believe, the more we talk, the better we see ourselves and what is really going on with us.
    My thoughts are there with you and I hope we can converse more.

    • Pamela says:

      Pamela, 58, one Daughter, 22, in College, far away. I have many circumstances that have caused me to be friendless at 58. In August I was going to volunteer at fair GOP, was hoping to make friends. Broke my foot. Always something seems to get in the way. Neighbor was friends when I moved two years ago, she smoked pot, drank every day. Couldn’t be around her anymore. Last best friend quit speaking to me because of her husband! Was stalking her at my house. Wanted me to get restraining order. I was afraid of him and said no. So she quit talking to me. She wasn’t all there anyway! Since I left California have had one bad friend after another. Gave UP! Am afraid of people now. Am very allergic to Animals, has caused me to stay alienated. Have a weird marriage that has caused problems. Long story. I think it’s to LATE to find a friend who is like me. Have two in California I talk to once in a while. My best friend for most of my life died 18 years ago. I am worried about my health because I am alone to much. Have two Oriental Cats, thank GOD for them. Sorry for the other people who are like me. It’s sad…….

      • Penel says:

        Always sorry to hear of people’s plights and the way that their stories are pan out. It is never too late to find a new friend, if it is meant to be. My best friend was someone who came into my life when I was 56!

        • Light house says:

          We are never too old to make good friends and pet are also good friends who are wise and more capable of friendship unconditional love that some human are uncapable of..

  25. Lost in the dark says:

    A lifetime of being available for everyone elses needs…a lifetime of always failing to hold another’s long term attention…a lifetime of always being alone, unseen and unnoticed when my core was in pain…a lifetime of struggling to hold friendships where the importance of being needed was felt from my side alone…i weep for the memories of what could have been…each soul that crossed my path-know that you were important to me and i still think of you, though i know you never look back upon me…this is what life has become as my last friendship was apparantly friendship only on my part…it is now gone…human companionship is not meant for all of us…some will be isolated most of thier lives…surrounded by thier dreams of just belonging to another…it seems so easy…people laughing and sharing and mattering to each other…why was it never easy for me…i am defective…wierd…out of place in my own life…over the years i have become accustomed to drinking coffee alone in the dark…but sometimes at 3 am when my head and heart are swimming in tears-i wish…how i wish there was someone there…i have accepted that this is the lesson that this life has to bare…loneliness is always there…but stupid me i keep wishing there was someone there…i am the lonely girl in the corner in a permanent time out…you do not notice me…

    • Sandy says:

      Lost in the dark, I am so sorry you hurt so much.

      • Lost in the dark says:

        Sandy…with so few words you have sent a kindness through this glistening screen…thank you

        • Lynn says:

          I would love to have you as a treasured friend. We are on the same wavelength. But I’m sure, as usual, we are scattered too far apart. Everyone who is like me is somewhere else it seems. And all the phony, pretentious “back biters” are thick as thieves, all bundled together in their lovely little cliques and families.

          • TC says:

            We are brought into this world alone and will go out the same way. Life is a gift and it is all you make of it. Never stop trying and remember to love all, trust a few, and live life to the fullness.

    • Me says:

      It’s like you took the words right out of my heart. I feel your pain. ?

      • Lost in the dark says:

        To the kindred lost Me who also sits in the dark…the pain of loneliness is the most hidden of languages…it is suffered alone by so many…it’s words are the invisible silences shared only by yourself…though we the carriers accept and adapt we never stop daydreaming of that spark…that a fellow travelor of the shadow existance will cross our path…i send this blessing to you…whichever corner of this world you reside upon…know that i read your words and you were thought of today…

        • Melissa says:

          So perfectly said….The pain of loneliness IS the most hidden of languages and only those who have experienced the true horrors of this can understand. It drains every part of your heart and mind….Known it, live it and really am not happy with it…

          • Penel says:

            …but I keep asking myself, “What is loneliness really?”
            Is it a feeling of fear? Is it a feeling that we are lesser people because we are alone? Is it something to do with the ego that keeps telling us that we are nothing without other people? What is it? What is it about humans they they need other people?

            I actually like my own company and the stress of being alone at times is less than having to deal with boring, inane, ignorant, vacuous and superficial people. Divorced my siblings for that reason. I can’t be friends with the people I hear on the radio, who I’d like to meet because they are interesting and amazing people, but they probably would be bored with me. I crave like minds over simply being around other people.

            So I value the few friends that I do I have who I see from time to time. I have a husband who is a wonderful friend so it is hard to see what true loneliness is like.
            However, as I read a lot of the comments here and the plight that so many of you feel, I get the sense that people feel they are lonely even though they have people in their lives.

            As I age, I am starting to see that loneliness is not so much to do with being around other people, it is the quality of the life that I live in terms of how I react to the world, how I fill my time and mind and feed my spirit. City dwelling is a killer, not the loneliness per se in my view.

            Most of use are removed from the work of growing our own food and being in communities that are engaged in the toils of daily survival. We are not encouraged to feel a sense of belonging to the earth and creation. We are conditioned to believe that ‘belonging’ comes from structured societies and groups, that are so often soulless because the members are their for self-interest; if they were honest. Purpose is the great goddess, rather than collaborative expression.

            Loneliness is about energy exchange. We are surrounded by inanimate objects and walls and rely on media to keep us informed, or so we think, to promote a sense of connection to the world. Some people say that being in forests, around trees and plants, with animals and living things tends to reduce our loneliness and increases a sense of calm and our place on the planet.

            Hence a friend has become heavily involved in a community garden though she has to deal with pathetic petty politics to do so.

            I often think about how people coped in the early days of pioneering Australia, where people survived the harshest conditions. I wonder how they saw loneliness. Sometimes I think that modern people are soft snowflakes with TV sitcom expectations about life.

            As I ponder the fact that at least four ‘friends’ never contact me anymore, unless I make the move, because of FB (which I detest), I am trying to decipher if my being alone is actually loneliness, or if it is the phase of my journey to being old and enlightened view of the superficial nature of so many people. How come people of my own age do not contact me but younger people (30 years younger) are interested in talking to us and seeing us?
            i think it is that energy exchange and the fact that they are eager to learn whereas the oldies are so habitually thinking they have it all.

            The paradoxes of life are incredible and why I write this is to encourage myself, and you too if you wish, to start seeing your feelings as energy movements and to see what you can do without people (maybe for starters) to raise your energy levels while alone, and to like your own company, gratefully.

            Know that all of this life is an experience and appreciating the ‘loneliness’ could be a way to start the change in the dynamics of your energy system.
            Eat very well, sleep well, soak up the sun, play games and be expressive every day.

            Know that you are not the only person on the planet who is feeling something we label lonely: there are millions it seems right now feeling disconnected. We are not really.

            • Lighthouse says:

              There is even a song called age of loneliness we get use to it.. The best time to regenerate, relax, recharge, pray create a new life, fix new goals,grow, life is a journey.

        • Lost too says:

          Dear lost sister….you write from your soul…you are more wonderful than you know….you heal others by sharing….you matter

    • Angel says:

      Wow…you really have a way with words. You pretty much said exactly how I feel. When I saw this, I immediately wrote it down in my journal. I hope you don’t mind.

      • lost in the dark says:

        to angel…i send thoughts of peace to you…i know my words have found shelter between your pages…i collect them too…framed and protected behind glass…hanging in needed spaces around me…allows the knowing-that somewhere-sometime-someone…had these dark thoughts too…it brings clarity that these feelings are universal…

    • Lost too says:

      Sending you a gentle hug, if you wish a hug….we share that lost feeling…I grok you…

  26. Martha says:

    I have been stumbling across on this site so many times while searching for something which might help me make contact with others like me who feel completely cut off and lonely. I am not seeking for advice on how to fill my time as I have tried so many of them such as Meetup.com, volunteering, International Women’s club, Church groups, craft groups, courses etc. I live in London with my British husband and I am in my fifties. Prior to moving to the UK 25 years ago I used to have friends. Some people think big cities tend to be lonely. We have lived in smaller areas before we moved to London. In 2014 Britain was voted the loneliness capital of Europe and yet nobody is prepared to do anything about it. Research has shown that loneliness has impact on physical as well as mental health and that this may be the next biggest public health issue for the country on par with obesity and substance abuse.

    Even on individual bases there is a lot of resistance and barriers are deliberately erected to deter others from attempting to enter into most social circles. Nowadays one’s earning and spending power seem to be a prerequisite often disguised as lists of interests to possess in order to be considered as a ‘’friend”. What happened to friendship just to enjoy each other’s company and for the sake of mutual support through good times and bad times? In my twenties I had an English friend who used to enjoy going out clubbing but I didn’t and yet I used to go with her despite disliking the whole thing because I loved my friend and it was my way of being supportive. I also used to think friendship transcends race, creed or colour until I moved here.

    We are social animals and need to feel that we “belong” to others and feel connected to one another. Social pain is as real a sensation for us as physical pain; researchers have shown that loneliness and rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain.

    I often wonder if there is a global network of people who believe geography should not be a barrier to connect with like minded people to form friendship. I don’t mean through social media. It is more about creating communities who genuinely care about each other perhaps even with a view of visiting each other.

    • Melissa says:

      Martha….wow, you hit it all on the head with everything you shared. I do believe that, without social interaction, or should I say, the complete lack thereof, CAN lead to many other “ailments” that our brain can create that makes us feel even more alone in our own issues.
      I have found that within myself. I found that, in my 20’s and 30’s I was so more outgoing and adaptive of situations and tried, no matter what, to go to places, be part of things, etc. than I do now. I am 58 and even though that is not old, many see it as such. Hearing how you just don’t fit into this group or that place or whatever, it does tend to train your brain to actually believing it. I fight that thought every single day and found that it is, by far, the hardest job I have ever had. I still feel I am relevant, I feel I have lots to share, but there’s that wall that has become very high around me now that I am always trying to climb over.
      I do truly believe that our geographical issues can be a hindrance . I live in a small town that, for the most part, seems so disconnected from life. Not that people here are void of things, but there’s little to no real activities or offers of that to get involved in. I used to live in a larger area up north that had many things to do, places to go and at least offered a chance to try. I have felt, since being here, that i did not fit in, nor do i feel I ever will. They are backwards minded people. Not horrible, but enough so that me and my lifestyle will never be accepted. It has become a large burden for which i carry and being that I am where i am to take care of my last surviving parent, i cannot leave until that job is done. So what do I do? I reach other here and hope i can find more like minded people. I think I have and hope to continue to, at the very least, find some semblance of support and understanding.

  27. Teresa says:

    Thank you for this insight. I agree.

  28. Helen says:

    Firstly, I get so fed up these days with the assumption that somebody who doesn’t apparently have lots of friends somehow has personality flaws that need to be fixed. I would like to ask: who hasn’t got some personality flaws? And besides, why are certain characteristics a flaw anyway? What is wrong with being fiercely independent? Such people are strong and very capable human beings who do not make a nuisance of themselves due to ineptitude. I have always found it ironic that we live in a society that talks about the importance of the individual and so forth; yet when somebody demonstrates true individuality- in a context of normal life as opposed to “coming out” as some sort of imagined minority-, it suddenly becomes a flaw! This inconsistency is something that often makes relating with others a minefield of stress! Who needs it?

    I am in my fifties and happy having no friends. I have always been independent minded and frankly, have struggled with friendships so much over the years, I find I am better off without. I always tended to be a loner as a child- for a complex of reasons; but I was inherently independent. Some people are just introverts and become drained around others (as opposed to extroverts who are energised by company); that’s just nature. The trouble is, extroverted characteristics are seen as more desirable, but the truth is, we need more introverted types because there is way too much noise in the world. We need people who can think, consider and reflect, not just talk!

    For many years, I tried all sorts to overcome the issue of struggling in friendships and got sick and tired of being the one who had to make all the effort in relationships. Ultimately, my efforts to overcome “the problem” confused me more and led to decades of chronic depression, making me think I was so inherently “damaged” that I would never function properly. Frankly, that perception of myself others had foisted upon me meant I never took opportunities I may well have excelled at. I even considered I was “too flawed” to be in a relationship with a man who adores me; but I adore him so stuck with it and eventually, in that light, made a breakthrough of understanding…

    There is nothing inherently wrong with me. Rather, we are living in a society where community is no longer real, it is as false as our throwaway society. Community had rules in which friendships operated and these rules were about survival and intangibles such as loyalty, trust, honour etc. But now with massive mobility, communities everywhere are broken and there just isn’t that bond anymore because it is not needed for survival. However, as herd creatures, it has left a chasm in people, particularly those who do take time to reflect deeply. Those who lack depth are better able to function in the superficial, material reality of today and many do think if they have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook and if Starbucks sends them a “happy birthday” post, that they truly are popular! But it is a mirage and it’s not a mirage I want. There is no trust, genuineness, loyalty, honour etc in such set-ups. Further, we have become so disconnected from nature, that we think if we have no friends, then we are alone. The truth is we aren’t and nature is a great healer and friend. I never feel alone even though ostensibly, I am always on my own! Inwardly, I feel a genuine bond with Nature and through it, I gain greater self-awareness and depth of character, a richness I have virtually never felt in human company- except with my man.


    • Liz says:

      Helen, every word of what you have written resonated with me. I’ve said many of the things you’ve said on this and other blogs.

    • Racheal says:

      This is sad but so true! I completely agree with you. I think I would like to invite you over for coffee 🙂

    • Liz says:

      Helen & Racheal, save a spot for me at the coffee table! The fiercely independent element of your comments has left me – as Racheal has said – a pariah. It even affected my career. Self-employment meant I didn’t need to spend my life placating insecure narcissists and psychopaths (contrary to stats, there are more people in these mental health categories than documented). One of the biggest issues I encountered was labelling: independent and confident must equal a whole plethora of labels e.g. “difficult”, contrary; a ‘know it all’ (far from it, I enjoy learning and whilst I am very well educated, I believe education is not a finite pursuit but an ongoing existential objective); insubordinate or subversive ans all manner of divisive tactics were used to try to inhibit my freedom of expression and demonise me. The repercussions were huge and significantly affected my health. Unfortunately, fault finding is common if you’re independent and confident and it’s easy to absorb the psychological ills of others and the social dysfunction of a cultural group by a process of osmosis and subsequently, stunt one’s own growth simultaneously. Ironically, the projection becomes internalised and the victimisation becomes the burden of many people who have worked on personal development and who are (in a non-religious sense) spiritually awake and enlightened. It’s a cruel twist and price to pay for other people’s insecurities. Even when encouraging others, I have been attacked regardless which means the positive thing is to focus on my own journey and help vulnerable members of society whenever I can no matter the criticisms, because my job in life is not to justify my independent nature to furnish people with the assurances they believe they need and which, in my experience, rarely resolve their insecurities. I’ve stopped unnecessarily internalising and shouldering the responsibility of other people’s projections by way of constant anxiety because, just like those who try to demonise me or at the least pick fault, I take every opportunity and thus, responsibility to work on myself and challenge people who find fault to do the same.

    • Sandy says:

      Hey Helen, I think you’ve made a few friends on this post!!…lol

      Including me!!

    • Liz says:

      Helen, I hope you join the Friendship blog connection so we can indeed connect and become friends with you on Facebook. As Sandy has said, you’ve already made a few friends!

    • Edna says:

      The worst is the eye roll and being told “Oh, your just going through a phase” Yup…..one that has lasted 63 years. Thank you Helen, your words are empowering.

      • Liz says:

        Edna 20 years in my case. I think it’s testament to one’s strength to be without friends and self-sufficient, rather than an indication of a fault.

  29. Eric says:

    I am only a teenager in high school but I believe myself to be very intelligent not smart like I make A s in my classes but I do have a high IQ and I didn’t read all of it just because I didn’t need to I read very little and already am subject to multiple of these problems of why I have no friends who try and hang out with me in particular the two biggest ones that I read and felt related too was the fact that I have no experience being in close relationships with anyone and that I am always shy and uncomfortable around others I get very depressed by this and for the 1st time in in a long time I cried for a reason that wasn’t Physical pain and it’s just I feel like I have no clue who I am or that the person I am is not someone other people want to be around or even with


  30. Sabine says:

    Gosh I’ve not had any close friends in over 20 years. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not exactly an extrovert but not really an introvert either. I’m friendly with those I meet. I give direct eye contact when talking with anyone or at least some type of acknowledgement of those I walk past. I try and meet some of my neighbors since I’m new to the area, or I will exchange small talk with people while out walking my dog or while I’m at the dog park. I’m not condescending, I’m not snobbish, I’m not rude, critical, opinionated, or discuss any of the unmentionable taboos (religion, politics, money).
    Here recently, my husband and I needed to move out of state because he was starting a new position, which meant we needed to sell our home. So I had asked a neighbor to come to our home and water the outdoor plants twice a week while the house was on the market in exchange for a fair amount of money. Even though I had known the neighbor for over 3 years and had chatted with her several times, and she took care of my pets for a week while we went out of town (yes I paid her then too) I always felt like she never really wanted to be friends. Which is fine I guess, I’m not going to push myself on anyone.
    Luckily it only took about 3 months for our house to sell. After I sent the neighbor her last check I also sent the family a nice gift basket full of goodies. I never heard from her again to acknowledge the gift or even a thank you for doing so. Maybe people get too caught up in their own lives, especially when they get married and have kids.

    I don’t know why but it’s like the only people that ever wanted to be my friend are those that would gladly hang out as long as I was buying. I didn’t think I came off as being so desperate for “friends”. However that’s why those relationships were so short term because I wasn’t having any of that.

    Is something wrong with me for not having any real friends since childhood?

    • Denise says:

      I am wondering the same.
      I found my self being jelaous at people who have best friends since childhood.

      • Rena says:

        I honestly can not believe that I am not alone. I have not one friend. I do not have a high school friend. I have always been around my family and their friends. I am very jealous of people that do have someone in their life. My family uses me for things like cleaning house or when they are so bored. I have sought out for a counselor to try and help with my depression, she tells me to start walking with a friend. When I told her I didn’t have one she just looked at me and said maybe one of your family members that support you in your depression. It’s very lonely in my world today. I have faith and pray that God puts spiritualy filled people in my life. I feel blessed to have found you all sharing your stories. I am a good person but I have come to the conclusion tonight that I need to learn to be my own best friend. May God bless you all and know you are deserving and it’s their loss not yours

        • Sandy says:

          Thank you, Rena. We need to come back to this post, all of us and remember our stories ARE of interest. You ALL sound like amazing people. It takes a strong, special person to walk through life alone, but we are not alone. We have each other here.

          God bless all of you. You are all worth it.

        • Lee says:

          Sabine and Rena have brought up some good points. I agree you have to be your own best friend sometimes. I have found that I’m more like I was when I was really young. Used to being alone on a regular basis. I try to remain optimistic, that perhaps a close friendship will happen again but it is hard sometimes. I certainly don’t have a problem doing something alone – I don’t feel that I need someone to do something with- I’ll will occasionally take myself to lunch, a movie, etc. I am married to a wonderful person for 20+ years and have a teenage son. My husband has always been a good friend but we are much closer now because of the other friendships that have dissolved. My son still goes out in public with me lol so I’m very lucky for that. I do have some long term friends, but we don’t live near each other and our lives and interests have changed a lot.

  31. ND says:

    Frankly, I’m rather disturbed that the “advice” given here. Why must it be her fault? Why assume she is the one who has to change? The world is not some magically perfect place where if you’re nice to others, everyone will just automatically be nice to you back. Doesn’t work that way. Thanks for making my mood even worse tonight.

    • ND says:

      And btw, being “fiercely independent” is NOT a problem that needs to be fixed.

      • ND says:

        And suppose for a moment that she is shy and introverted. She is clearly making the effort to fix that by initiating contact. But apparently that’s not good enough? Maybe the problem ISN’T her.

        • Sabine says:

          I agree with you. The “advice” was over analyzed. It was almost directed at peope with severe personality disorders or maybe those with Asperger’s that recognize they communicate differently.

      • Racheal says:

        Right? I mean, some of us have been REQUIRED by life circumstances to become “fiercely independent” just to survive. And now we’re told that the reward for developing that kind of inner strength and resilience is social pariah status?

    • Liz says:

      ND you’ve expressed eloquently my exact thoughts. I’ve read many facebook maxims that have circulated that erroneously assert: “what you put out you get back” (paraphrase). Often the reverse is true and regardless of how concerted a person’s efforts, and if they follow the norms of the ‘manual of social etiquette and survival’, this does not guarantee you will be treated fairly, with respect or even basic decency. There is often an inherent message that if misfortune occurs in your life, it is warranted to advise that it must be warranted by one’s negative conduct. This is essentially blaming the victim, which adds emotional injury and insult to injury. Victimising the victim is scapegoating and allows those who’s conduct is unbecoming to abrogate responsibility being by feeling validated that everyone else has the issue – a clear case of Projection. This also often happens a lot with bullies and is why oversimplifications are not the answer to complex social interactions, in which situations and people are rarely what they seem.

      • Lighthouse says:

        Need to heal wounds of our soul, and be consicious of what is going on and what you are doing. There is help, meditation, relaxation, spirituality. If you do research about it. The deepest wounds are: rejection, abandonment, treason (betrayed), injustice and humilation. There are many meditative practise we can do and seek the right help.

  32. Heidi says:

    I dunno. All of it strikes a chord with me, I am sorry to say. Listening to Joyce Meyer (televangelist) today and she said if we are continually struggling with a problem, and it is not sorting itself out, take a break, and soak in the Word of God daily and let it wash over us. All I can do! Currently, I spent money to pay for a future daughter-in-law’s shower, plus a very big gift and she didn’t speak to me at the shower and when I went over to her, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me. Me? I hardly ever see her, have never bothered her at all, am always polite and friendly to her. I am a friendly person, well-groomed and attractive and I enjoy and appreciate other people’s good qualities. She is spoiled, arrogant and she is marrying a great guy in my son, whom we produced! Talk about ungrateful. A pox on her house, I say!

    • LauraSL says:

      Your DIL is going to be your pipeline to your son and your future grandchildren. Maybe her behavior will change as she matures? I would take the high road, be kind to her , and model good behavior.

  33. Gypsy says:

    I divorced after 20 yrs. Lonely in marriage. Bad move as I lost everything. Including my kids love for several years. Moved back to home area and live with and care for narc dad and alcoholic mom. I tried making friends but this area of people seem to think I am effed up. Not where I used to live, though. Scared of angry people. I try not to confront people when they blow me off because they get mad and dont feel they have to be accountable. So I ignore it and they steamroll me and I get repeat performances. In therapy and I am pangender. Went back to school and working on MA. People at work are mostly younger and completely intentionally exclude me from conversations to carpooling. One woman my age has decided I am smart and might ruin her rep as the queen know it all and has ousted me over and over. Ended up in mobbing behavior by other more younger co workers who are afraid of her. My boss is scared of her too. She wont help me. I hate my life and I pray God will give us all what we need in love and support

  34. Gilbert says:

    Am so lonely and alone sometimes i think if i died in my room now it would take 3 years for people to discover am dead. Like no one calls me to check on me. Am an introvert surely but have never learned to live with it. I’ve tried to connect with those around me, joined clubs to socialize but it seems only to be getting worse, and when i get disappointed i extend further away from people, i’ve tried drinking it off, smoked a lot of cigarettes, slept a lot, but this makes my situation worse. The other day bandits broke into my room and took staff but no one checked on me, my neighbors didn’t even bother. I felt like committing suicide but just dropped the idea. Always know you are not alone in this situation, but i believe God will make a way one day and people will look for us because they need something from us.

    • I used to have a life says:

      Hey Gilbert, I read your story bro and i see a few things i can relate to. First of all im glad you decided against suicide and i hope you never ever follow through. secondly i want to thank you for saying such a simple line (that i for some reason never thought of) that i feel has helped me understand my own situation…Because i too am an introvert who hasnt yet fully learnt to live like one. I grew up on a busy council estate with lots of friends and i used to have a good social life with what i thought were lifetime friends (people i grew up with) but over the years being an introvert (without realising) slowly but surely killed off my normal way of living. things quickly started to go wrong in all aspects of my life and all the closest people in my life soon faded away. I fell into depression and buried my head like an ostrich to not only help deal with these strange uncontrollable feelings but also to hide it from people due to embarrassment. When i finally pulled my head up from the sand, i felt estranged from all my old closest friends, i have met up with a few since but i feel my situation has left me a shell of my former self and i find it hard to converse with them…everyday i struggle with self destructive feelings but i know after everything ive been through and underneath all the crappy thoughts i still have a vision of how i want my life to be and i can see you haven’t given up too. I imagine there are millions of people in a similar situation, some keep pushing through until they get where they want to be and some unfortunately give up….10 years ago nothing would have fazed me, today i needed to hear the words from a man like Gilbert to help me realise i am not unique and to fight the self pity that usually consumes me daily and pushes me to make devastating mistakes….Keep your chin up people & i hope we all find that natural inner peace we all seek

      • Melissa says:

        I like your name on here b/c, for whatever reason, we are all saying how we “Used to have a life”…I know this is how I am and I bang my head against the wall trying to figure out where I changed and why. I know moving forward is the answer here but I need to know what happened to me that did this so I will be more conscious of it from now on.
        I had a fairly decent life up until 2002…From that point, I can say that I ended up moving back to my old hometown after living 600 miles away for almost 30 years and I felt (and still do at times) ashamed and I let myself down. I too, buried my head in the sand so to speak and while doing so, I allowed lots of time to slip away from me. All the while, I was getting more frustrated, angry and just plain old fed up with my actions or should I say Inaction…Then I fell into drinking and figured out that was not working, so got rid of that…I have had many physical issues going with my knees and that lent itself to being less and less apt to go out and try to do much b/c I was always in pain…So, with all of that said, I fell into depression and have been struggling with that since….
        I feel as though I will never “fit in” around this place b/c A), I’m a lesbian, B) I cannot relate to the ways people think around here b/c they are very conservative and I, well, I definitely am not…
        I leaned on my mom for 13 years until she got sick and died less than 2 years ago….I feel so alone and confused on what to do and how to get there…You mentioned how some people keep moving along until they figure out how to get where they want and/or just feel better….I guess I just have not been able to accept the fact of where I allowed myself to be and not having $$$ to move, I feel completely stuck…So, being that and emotionally restrained, it has not made for a happy life….Maybe someone else can relate?

    • Rick says:

      I took care of my wife who was ill for 20 years. We became isolated over time because she could not go out, mobility problems, and I stayed with her most of the time. She died in 2012 and I retired in 2014. At first I sort of looked for another relationship and felt like I wanted to develop a good friendship(s) but it hasn’t happened. Now though I am ok with being a lone. I have issues to deal with like poor hearing, I put on quite a bit of weight while taking care of my wife and it’s coming off slowly. Have mobility used, diabetes, artificial heart valve, etc. These things can be a problem for making friends. So I have come to the realization that I don’t really need friends. I am fine by myself. I have a strong spiritual life – belief in God. I quit worrying about friendships and just decided to be the best me I can be. So being happy with myself has been the key for me. I can be funny, caring etc. My family likes me, I have two adult daughters. I don’t believe I would activity shun a possible friend, I just am not going to fret about having a friend at all. I believe you have to like yourself first, be happy with who you are and with or without friends and your life will be better. In fact I really don’t want to have to deal with the baggage some people have, it’s too hard to cope with them. So a positive out look for yourself and pick friends wisely if you are so inclined. Do things you enjoy, don’t be afraid to do things by yourself, stay busy!

    • Angel says:

      Gilbert, I understand how you feel. I have the same thoughts a lot of times. I’m an introvert too and I spend more time alone than with others. When I did have friends and roommates, I would turn to drinking because it made me feel like I had something in common with those around me. But it wasn’t helpful at all because I eventually became a person that wasn’t in my character.

      I am going through a difficult time right now, and reading your post has made me realize I’m not the only one that feels and thinks this way. I appreciate your words. I’m hoping my mindset changes so I can have happier relationships with people without feeling like an outsider.

  35. John says:

    Nice words from people who I see are the same situation as myself. I grew up with some close friends who have drifted apart over the years. I find it hard to meet new friends these days , I am shy around new people and find it hard to talk when in new groups. I would love to lose that shyness but I know it’s part of who I am. Maybe this is the start of a new path when I found this site.

    • moodus says:

      Hello John…I think many of us are in the exact same boat…You have a lose acquaintances…I would not consider anyone a friend if they can just leave/disconnect like many do.
      I am also quite shy, but I think most would say lacking confidence in ourselves as the reason. Hey, I have made many attempts at connecting with people. For me, however, my location has hindered my interest in some people and the activities they offer around here. It’s a small town that has had the same families here as when I grew up in this place. Thankfully, I left 2 days after graduating high school and made some friends up where I moved and lived for 30 years. I have explained my situation on more than one occasion on here, but feel, until I am happy with me AND move away from here, I will endure the fruitless ventures of trying to find friends. I can only hope I can keep myself as positive as possible to continue my journey.
      Anyway, we all have similar problems with making friends as we age and it’s discouraging sometimes when you try, but seemingly get nowhere. But alas, I will keep trying and I hope you do as well b/c we were not meant to be alone….It hurts…A LOT

  36. Julie says:

    I don’t really have any friends other than my partner’s friends. About 7 years ago I had a best female friend but when I started going out with my current partner her behaviour towards me changed even though I did ask her at the time whether she was interested in my current partner and she said no. The following year she sent me an incredibly nasty email saying that she didn’t consider me one of her close friends and that she had told her psychiatrist various things about me and they had said that the way I behaved wasn’t normal. I simply texted her and told her that our friendship was over and I wished her good luck for the future. She asked if she could call me later that evening but I said no and reiterated that the friendship was over. I do not need friends like that. I prefer people who have a more positive mindset to life and I felt she wasn’t very positive as a person. Yes everyone has problems and difficulties and challenges that they have to overcome but if you have a positive mindset I do think that makes a difference. I also helped her move house a few times and no thanks was given for this and I gave her my bed to sleep on as she didn’t have a bed in her flat. She ignores me now when she sees me but I have accepted this. There is no going back now. I know now that I want to be friends with people who are a little bit more positive.

    • Julie says:

      I should say that before I ended our friendship I did ask her if we could meet up and talk things over which she refused to do and she said she preferred email. Hence the reason why I sent her an email ending our friendship not a text as I said above. I made an error there.

    • Monique says:

      Same here, at least you have a partner by your side. I felt so insecure within myself all I attracted were negative angry people. The funny thing is people say I make them laugh, I’m always smiling, I’m modest, very nice, and try to get along with everyone. I just truly do not know how to build relationships with other women.

      So, please know that you are blessed to have a partner that allows you into his world of friends so that you can have the support that we all need.

      • peter says:

        I am no expert of these things, but if you can make people laugh then you really shouldn’t have any problems with making friends its not you that’s the problem carry on with smiling and stop trying so hard with other people who are so negative that’s their problem (enit) then right when yu don’t expect it bang the right one spots you and you wont be able to shake him off problem No2 ha ha joking,its a sad world we live in today so gotta be ready to bump into a lot a sad people to stay good.

  37. Sam Chapman says:

    I know what it’s like to be an ‘outsider’, feel lonely and envious of how other people around me, seem to find it incredibly easy to make friends. I’ve had these feelings since I was at least 6, and I’m now drawing my pension. I’ve never got really depressed about the things that as some people have, but I have seen the impact it has had on those who became seriously and Clinically depressed. My situation arises from one of the three disabilities I have always had, which I feel utterly ashamed of, many people around me being unaware of me having, because it’s also invisible and un-treatable.

    One thing I’m pretty sure of, is that over the past 2-3 decades, people are expected to take on board more things like social networking sources such as Twitter and Facebook, as well as pressures imposed on us by our peers – some of whom expect everyone else to conform to what they perceive as being ‘normal’ day-to-day experiences.

    Some people ‘rebel’ due to these impositions and end up being manipulated by those who are actively looking out for people they can manipulate, usually via drugs and booze, or playing very nasty mind-games so that individuals can be abused physically and emotionally.

    The Media in general has a lot to answer for due to the either bombarding us with ‘ideals’ that are to many unattainable, whilst ignoring ‘Ms Average’ because they are not interesting, unless they can be lured by the the incentive of ‘fame and fortune’, only later on, to be dropped like a hot potato when whatever led them to be placed on a pedestal has ‘they think’ become boring or something more to their liking comes along.

    I suppose I could go on citing many other examples but these are probably variants of the ones I have already mentioned. Maybe by considering yourself to be like that man in China, who stood up in front of a row of tanks. He didn’t have to, no-one else dared to, yet though what he did, sparked something far, far greater. It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as that. Who he was and what happened to him, is still unknown.

    You dear reader, are in many ways like that man, but just don’t realise it. You may well think that what you post on here, has little impact beyond this thread, but I can tell you, that this is definitely not the case, because what you have write, will help others and like a dripping tap, will eventually lead to a flood, that WILL impact on others attitudes in a very positive way.

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