When Good Friends Forget Your Birthday
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It hurts when your friend forgets your birthday (Adobe)
A reader asks what to do when your friends forget your birthday; she feels hurt and resentful and wonders if she should say or do something.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have a group of girlfriends I have known for 30 years or longer. We are used to getting together for our birthdays, all chipping in for the birthday girl’s lunch. I didn’t mind doing that, but it seems when it comes to my turn, they are too busy or away, and I am overlooked.
We all got together for lunch yesterday, and I thought it was just an ordinary get-together. When it came time to pay, one of the ladies spoke up and said we’d just split the bill four ways (there were six of us), so I was put on the spot to pay for two of the girls’ past birthdays. I just paid but was again resentful.
My husband’s solution is not to go to the lunches anymore. I feel left out, but I have known these ladies for so long and would like to say something. Do you have any advice on what I could say or not?
Thank you in advance.
Ellen
ANSWER
Hi Ellen,
It seems like you aren’t resentful of the money, per se, but the fact that your friends forget your birthday. Given that this is a long-time ritual you’ve shared over the years, your hurt is understandable. As women age, they often become more sentimental about sharing birthdays with good friends.
You didn’t mention the date of your birthday, but I’m wondering if it coincides with summers or holidays when people are preoccupied with other things. Nonetheless, it should be celebrated by the group at another time.
If you still enjoy these lunches and meeting up with these friends, I suggest talking to one of the ladies you feel closest to in confidence. Explain that you are reluctant to make a big issue but are starting to feel hurt and overlooked by the group. If you say nothing, you will continue to feel resentful, and it will make you feel more distant from these friends.
My guess is that your friend will respond that this oversight has been totally unintentional but that she’ll be mindful to tell the others next time your birthday comes around.
Hope this is helpful.
Irene
Tips for Handling The Disappointment Of A Friend Forgetting Your Birthday
It’s natural to feel disappointed or hurt when a friend forgets your birthday, but it’s important to navigate these situations with understanding and grace if the friendship is important to you.
Here are some suggestions on what to say or do when a friend forgets your birthday:
#1 – Acknowledge Your Feelings
It’s okay to feel disappointed or hurt if your friend forgets your birthday. Recognize and acknowledge your emotions, but try not to dwell on negativity or resentment.
#2 – Communicate Honestly
If the oversight bothers you, consider telling your friend how you feel. Choose a calm and private moment to express your emotions without placing blame or creating conflict.
#3 – Express Your Feelings Constructively
When discussing your feelings with your friend, focus on using “I” statements to express how their forgetfulness made you feel. For example, “I felt a little hurt when I realized you forgot my birthday.”
#4 – Give them the Benefit of the Doubt
Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and forgetting a birthday doesn’t necessarily reflect on your friend’s feelings towards you. Consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming that the oversight was unintentional.
#5 – Consider the Circumstances
Reflect on the circumstances surrounding your friend’s forgetfulness. Were they going through a busy or stressful time? Understanding the context can help you empathize with their situation.
#6 – Manage Your Expectations
While birthdays are significant to some people, they may not be equally important to others. Manage your expectations and try not to equate forgetfulness with a lack of friendship or care.
#7 – Focus on the Friendship
Instead of dwelling on the forgotten birthday, focus on the strength and value of your friendship. Cherish the memories and experiences you’ve shared, and don’t let a single oversight overshadow your bond.
#8 – Lead by Example
Use the situation as an opportunity to lead by example and demonstrate forgiveness, understanding, and compassion. Show your friend that you value their friendship regardless of occasional forgetfulness.
#9 – Celebrate Belatedly
Extend the joy of your birthday celebration by accepting belated wishes or gestures from your friend. Embrace the opportunity to extend the festivities and enjoy the thoughtfulness behind their gestures, even if they come a little late.
#10 – Move Forward Positively
Once you’ve addressed your feelings and communicated with your friend, focus on moving forward positively. Let go of any lingering resentment or disappointment, and continue to nurture your friendship with love, understanding, and mutual respect.
This post was updated and reviewed on 6/26.
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Category: Friends and Money, RESOLVING PROBLEMS
I’m pretty young and don’t like celebrating my own birthday but I get how you feel.
My birthday was on the 24th April. Only one person outside of my family remembered and that was my partner. Non of my other friends remembered. I got three “Happy Birthday”‘s in a group of about 10 people.
Usually, I wouldn’t be so upset about it. I don’t like my birthday.
The reason I was so upset with it is because we added a new person to our group of friends this year. They’ve been in the group for a little over 7 months now. Everyone got them gifts and celebrated their birthday. Even me, and I never get gifts for people (due to my financial situation, not because I’m an arsehole, I just can’t afford extra stuff like that). I was heartbroken when I realised.
One of my friends thought that my birthday was on the Friday instead of the Thursday, and still did not try to get anything. It’s horribly upsetting for me because I’ve been with this group of people for years. They’ve remembered every other year. Not this one, though, for some reason.
I would have hurled a bowl of rotting cabbage soup all over those treacherous, disgusting friends of yours. I mean, what gives them the nerve to do this? They deserve to have disgusting garbage poured all over their hair and clothes. Stink them up real good!! So maybe next time they will think twice before they do you wrong like that. Just some advice.
I’m sorry I missed this post earlier. I can relate to the dilemma, and I agree with Irene’s advice. It would be a good idea to share your feelings about this oversight with one of your closest friends in the group. Most likely, she will share your concerns with the other women. To be fair, they should be reminded of the oversight — but it would be awkward for you to do that.
I understand how you’d feel hurt about being overlooked this way. I have a summer birthday that is often forgotten by friends who are vacationing or living at their cottages. Another friend of mine has a birthday right near Christmas, and of course, that one gets overlooked too. It’s understandable.
It could be this is a one-time slip-up. If one of my close friends forgets my birthday one year, I let it go and try not to take it personally. If it keeps happening, I then ask myself if it’s possible that they would prefer to drop the gifting practice. I like to assume that people treat others the way they want to be treated. If they keep forgetting to send gifts and/or cards, maybe they don’t care about receiving gifts and cards?