When a friend jumps the gun
A friend jumps the gun by inviting a third person to her friend’s home.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I would like your advice on a situation that happened to me recently:
While catching up with one of my close friends last Friday, I mentioned that my husband and I thought it might be nice to have people over to our place the following weekend, when a mutual friend of ours would be in town. I said I wasn’t sure when would be a good time, since our friend from out of town might have plans. She was planning to stay with another couple we are friends with. I said I’d be in touch about the party, and wanted to speak about it with my husband.
The next morning, I received a text from my close friend saying she’d been texting with our friends hosting the friend from out of town, asking them when they’d like to come over to my house, either Saturday evening or brunch on Sunday.
It feels like my friend initiated an invitation for my husband and me. I expressed surprise (it was 10:30am when this happened) and said we had been planning to email and coordinate the party ourselves.
I am now concerned my friend will be mad at me for not appreciating her input, but it’s frustrating that she charged ahead without letting me (and my husband) decide when to invite people to our own house. What do you think?
Signed, Terri
ANSWER
Hi Terri,
Your close friend certainly did jump the gun. You should have been the one to extend the invitation to your home, and to coordinate the invitees and arrangements.
Your friend probably did it unwittingly, perhaps in a burst of enthusiasm. Since she is a close friend, I suspect you want to forgive her unless this is one of a series of social missteps she’s made that have involved you.
Yet, I can understand how you would be upset. Rather than telling your friend that you appreciated her input (which you really didn’t), you might express your surprise that she jumped the gun. Casually mention that you had hoped to coordinate the arrangements for the get-together yourself, at a time that was convenient for you and your husband—and that you want to do that going forward.
Given that she’s gone ahead in this way, you probably should contact the friends who are hosting the out-of-town guests to follow up as soon as possible.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Previously on The Friendship Blog:
- Read other posts that discuss the upset feelings that sometimes accompany invitations.
Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS
There is book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that might be helpful. I would totally forgive but I would be careful that this friend doesn’t over step boundaries in other area’s in your life. Good luck
Yes, that would surprise and annoy me, too. But I also agree that you could easily fix the situation by communicating directly with everyone involved, and take control of the plan yourself. It’s your home, your time, and you have a right to entertain when you want to.
I have a couple of friends who, like your close friend, are a bit too bold and tend to ignore personal boundaries. I love them dearly, but they can be a challenge sometimes. I find the best way to deal with them is to be equally strong and direct with them. I am no longer afraid to say “no” to them when they go too far or ask too much. It’s much easier than being quiet and holding a grudge.
If this was a one time faux pas, I wouldn’t waste time over being frustrated with my overly enthusiastic. I’d mention that I would have preferred she had let me approach the subject in passing during a conversation. I would call the friend with whom our mutual friend was staying and explain. This is small stuff and can be easily smoothed over.