• Resolving Problems

When a friend doesn’t show up

Published: October 28, 2014 | By | 27 Replies Continue Reading
A friend doesn’t show up to attend the wedding of her close friend’s son and makes no explanation.


Hi Irene,

My friend of 27 years (who lives in another state) didn’t come to my son’s wedding. With a year’s notice and many conversations about the wedding, she sent me a text three weeks before to say she wasn’t coming. No explanation. She asked: “Will you still love me?” I responded, yes. That was in October of 2013.

She started calling me in June and July of 2014. I didn’t answer. Finally, after a few superficial texts, I wrote her a letter to state that I was hurt and questioned our friendship. She has hurt me in this manner before but this time I told her.

She called me on the phone, absolutely devastated—crying hysterically. I told her this wasn’t something to fall apart about but the conversation was all about her and her feelings. She was angry with me for questioning our friendship.

I’m at the point in my life (46) that I feel this is ridiculous but at the same time my feelings should be acknowledged. She sent me another letter that was very dramatic and it’s taken me a long time to finally reply. This is what I said:

Dear Friend, 

I received your letter. Again, I want you to know that I have fully accepted your apology. I think we are going to have to accept and respect our own truths and perceptions. I am trying to be better to myself and I hope you will also. I hope you and H, and girls have a nice holiday season.

I haven’t mailed this yet. Should I? It seems that when I have been hurt in the past, the person that hurts me manipulates the situation around until somehow I feel bad and wished I’d never said anything. I have a lot of nice friends. I have a great husband and sweet children. I’m kind of done with this.

I really thought we would share my son’s wedding day. I had her seated at our head table. It really hurt that she didn’t come, told me in a text and never explained the situation. If something had been wrong, she would have told me. She always has. I just think she didn’t want to come. Should I send this card?

Signed, Lena


Hi Lena,

The wording and intent of the letter you have drafted is very unclear. What do you actually want to say to this friend? Have you accepted her apology and are you telling her you want to remain friends? Or, are you telling her you want to end this 27-year friendship because she didn’t show up at the wedding?

Planning to seat your friend at the head table suggests that you felt very close to this friend, almost like family. We want our closest friends to be there for us on important occasions, at happy times or very sad ones, and want them to reciprocate. Thus, her not showing up had to be a major disappointment—doing so without an explanation afterwards had to compound the hurt.

That “she just didn’t want to come” is insufficient as an explanation for her behavior. Something else has to be in the picture. The most likely possibility is that she didn’t make the wedding because of something totally unrelated to you: Since she lives in another state, could it have been a financial decision? Could she have had health or family problems that she wasn’t comfortable sharing with you? (Bear in mind, it may have been just as difficult for her NOT to come as it would have been for her to show up—although this doesn’t excuse her behavior.)

Your letter suggests this may not have been the first time something like this has happened between you. In the past, did you tell her that she disappointed you? When this happened, were you able to speak about it openly? Did she respond appropriately?

More than a half-year has elapsed since this latest transgression and even more time has passed since she last tried to contact you. Perhaps with the passage of time, she will be more able and/or willing to explain what happened and why she didn’t attend. Are you willing to extend the olive branch and give her the chance to provide an honest and forthright explanation?

It’s always hard to end a friendship especially one with such a long history so I understand your ambivalence. Before you send the letter, decide whether or not you would even consider continuing this friendship. If your friend has hurt you many times before and/or she is unwilling to talk this over now, you may have no choice but to let go.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Category: Disappointing friends, RESOLVING PROBLEMS

Comments (27)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Karen says:

    Hi Lena, I am in a similar situation. My sons wedding is in two months of one of my best friends of 15 years is not coming with no good excuse. We just went to her sons wedding two months ago in which my son was a groomsman. Her son is going to be a groomsman in my sons wedding too and lives two hours away from the groom in Florida. The wedding is out of state but I know it is not financial. They just bought a new car and are going to other weddings this fall and plan on making a trip south to visit friends. My friends husband is retired with a good pension and she still works (with plenty of paid time off). She is very social, loves weddings and has many friends. I think it is her husband who does not want to go for whatever reason. I feel very upset that our friendship doesnt mean enough to them to make the trip to the wedding. Especially since her son is in the wedding and lives nearby my son. I would blow it off it there was a legitatmate excuse such as lack of money, scheduling conflicts etc. but they just bought a new 40k car and I know they have the money. I know this will damage our friendship and not sure I can move on with our relationship. I dont know what to do, if anyone out there has a suggestion, please let me know. I feel she is a shallow friend who will not attend the wedding of her closest friends son for not real reason. I am waiting for her to tell me what the reason is but I am sure it is just her husband being a jerk. She normally gets everything she wants, so maybe she doesnt really want to go either. It hurts badly and I feel your pain Lena. To me, that is not a true friend and I am too old to put up with this so I may just have to move on. Sometimes thats all you can do, friends come and go in life.


  2. Cheryl says:

    My roommate from college and very good friend. My Maid of honor, her bridesmaid. She didnt show at my baby shower. She had had her baby a week prior, but she didnt let me know. Said she had a gift for me, never delivered, never even a card. She never did meet my children. Never visited. Friendship was down to just sending xmas cards. Always happy to see her growing family…now 9 children.! Last year was the first year I didnt get one. Its too bad we drifted apart, but its better than stress and tension.

  3. LaTrice says:

    Lena, I don’t blame you for being angry with your best friend, because she has missed the most important event in not only your life, but your son’s life, and that was to watch him get married. Whatever her reasons are-whether it’s financial reasons, a death in the family, or a job loss, her actions doesn’t excuse or justify on what she did to you.

    No matter how hard you’re trying to get an explanation from your best friend, it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to explain herself to you. Her behavior is unacceptable, and I feel it’s best that you should end the friendship. It will be difficult for you to do that, but someday, your best friend will reap what she sows.

  4. Lauren says:

    Perhaps your old friend is depressed and/or emotionally ill, and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Or she doesn’t realize the depth of her depression and therefore cannot talk about it. It could be that’s why she did not attend the wedding.

    Also, in my case, a few friends did not come to my wedding, and it didn’t bother me or interfere with the friendships. I realize that ppl have money concerns, and that’s just the way of it. Even attending a wedding, never mind an out of state of out of country wedding, can be really expensive for the invitee. Everyone is different.

    Besides the wedding, if the friendship is a good one, and you really like your friend and get along well with her, then I would overlook her not attending the wedding. On the other hand, if the friendship was not really a good one, and there was animosity and hurt feelings, and so on, then maybe it is time to back off from the old friendship.

    As to her husband’s words about you being “an easy friend to have”, I would say that he meant well. He probably meant that you are a nice person, and an easy going, good to know person to have as a friend. It sounds like a nice comment to me.

    But of course only you know how good the friendship has really been over the years, and only you can make the decision on whether to continue with the friendship or to back off. Best of luck with your decision.

  5. Bizzy says:

    The fact that she did not explain why she couldn’t come makes it sound like she didn’t want to make the effort. I think she got hysterical because you finally called her on her behavior.

  6. Mara says:

    I think when friends back out of things, it usually has more to do with what is going on in their lives or minds and less to do with you, even though the event is significant to you. There could be so many reasons that made your friend decline to attend to the wedding. The fact that she sent a text to me indicates that she didn’t want to discuss the reasons why or be put on the spot to answer. She didn’t want to lose your friendship over this. It could be financial reasons, it could be social anxiety, it could be a loss in her own life that a wedding would be a trigger to attend, it could be that she gained a lot of weight and didn’t want you to know or to be captured in photographs, it could be she is suffering from depression and having a hard time getting out of bed, let along to attend an event, it could be she is dealing with something in her life and doesn’t feel like putting on a happy face at a public event, it could be very personal.

    I wouldn’t take it as a personal message about your friendship. If she was off boozing it up in some island because that seemed more fun than to attend your child’s wedding, then yes, she’s a jerk and this isn’t much of a friendship. If she had reasons that kept her from attending that she just doesn’t want to talk about, or is trying to keep a sense of dignity about something, then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s better that she said little as opposed to lying or making up an excuse. If she’s a good friend to you in other ways, especially from afar, it may be something easier to cover up from a distance. Maybe she really wanted to come and planned on it and about three weeks before realized whatever she had hoped would be in place in her own life – happiness, enough finances, weight loss, anything like that….was just not going to happen and it was better to take that pressure and demand off herself now. Sometimes we have to put our own needs first and that seems like not being a very good friend, but you don’t know why she didn’t come. The question is whether it was a selfish motive or one that was causing her stress or duress and she doesn’t want to tell you why that would be. Maybe she thought telling you or bringing up her own problems would make it about her and detract from your happiness and a joyous time for your family. Maybe it was easier to simply decline. I don’t know. I wouldn’t take it personally unless she really is a bad friend in all ways.

    • TooSmart says:

      I am sorry but your explanation and advice would mean that it would once again all be about her. If she cannot be open about why she did not come to the wedding, she is immature and immature people are bad friends.
      In life you cannot only take, you also have to give. It was very important for Lena that her friend would attend this wedding. Therefore her friend can only opt out if she has a good explanation and she is open about. These are once in a lifetime occasions. When you miss them, they are gone and there is no second chance. Friendship is about celebrating these moments.
      I personally have come at a stage in my life where I have zero tolerance for the problematic behaviour so many women seem to display. We are adults so I expect that they have outgrown their temper tantrums and diva behaviour. Life is short, we owe it to our friends to treat them with respect and consideration. We all have our worries and problems in life but we don’t have the right to make our friends suffer because of our problems like Lena’s friend did.

      • Mara says:

        I tend to have a lot of faith in people. If my event or life moment was going to cause pain or hardship for someone else, I would be disappointed, but trust that they know themselves best and want them to take care of their own needs before worrying about mine. I don’t know if that applies in this particular instance because I don’t know what type of person the friend in question is.

        If it’s temper tantrum and diva behavior, I have no use for that type of friend either. If the friend is struggling with something and has too much pride to tell me what is going on, I wouldn’t push or need an explanation, I would just trust that she’s dealing with something bigger than me.

        I have had friends dealing with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, job loss, debt, grief, medical or health issues – so many real things that have such stigmas around them that they don’t confide in friends. I respect their desire for space and privacy and don’t push. My wish for those friends is to take care of their own needs and not add to their pressures. I have been through enough in my life to have compassion for anyone suffering, not wanting to share what’s going on, or needing to distance themselves from other’s joy to protect themselves from pain, and I don’t expect them to put it aside just to meet my wants and needs.

        I have other friends who are selfish, lazy, self-absorbed, flakey, drama, self-absorbed, make time for other people, but not me, and I wouldn’t give them a pass at all for missing a special occasion in my life. I’d be pissed and it would pretty much be the end of the friendship.

        I don’t know enough about this situation to know the friend’s motivations or state of mind. If she’s a drama queen or doing the best she can for herself. I don’t judge anyone who ends friendships with the unavailable friend who can’t give and take. I personally tend to still be a friend even to the ones who aren’t offering much in return when I don’t think it’s personal or their fault. I think weddings in general can put enormous financial and emotional stress on people, require physical travel, and social being “on” – and can bring up many different emotions in people if things aren’t going well in their own lives. Just my personal opinion. Most of the time, most of us are able to suck it up and go b/c of friendship obligations and expectations, and not wanting to miss out on a life milestone event, but for some people it’s just too much for them. I tend to let people just be. That if they were physically, mentally, and financially able to be there, they would be, and if they aren’t, something is likely going on that they don’t want to share with me.

        The ones who are tireless, needy, clingy, draining, or just selfish and self-absorbed, or opting to go on a ski trip or some other obnoxious reason for not showing up and sending a text, I don’t want in my life at all.

        To Lena, I would just trust your own judgment – is this a drama queen who always has an issue and flaked out on you….if so, i wouldn’t even bother with a letter…just move on from the friendship. if you think there were other issues going on she had too much pride to share with you, then decide whether the overall longterm friendship and type of friend she is in general is worth having her in your life. If this is just one more thing, maybe that answer is no. If she’s typically caring and supportive, maybe this wedding was extremely difficult for her for whatever reason she was embarrassed to share with you. If she just didn’t want to come, well yeah, that’s pretty selfish. I would be confused too.

  7. TooSmart says:

    To Lena: please do not do what she is doing: reacting in this typical indirect passive aggressive way as so many women do.
    Be straight with her.
    I would try to see her face to face so that you can say what you want to say and that is that you still want an explanation for not coming to this wedding, and on top of that doing it by text. That is rotten behaviour.
    Now I will tell you that you should not get your hopes up too high. She sounds like the typical woman with whom it is difficult to have a mature friendship because she is not open and she makes it all about herself.
    But by asking her to meet you, you force her to take a position. I am pretty sure that she will try to avoid such a meeting. That will be painful but it will also show you clearly that she does not want to invest time and energy in your friendship.
    I don’t think that the reason for the cancellation is financial. You sound like you were a very good friend for her so I am sure she could have mentioned this to you if that was the problem.
    What is the reason for her behaviour? My guess is that it is one of those typical women with a lot of frustrations in their life (maybe she has children who are not very successful), who does not feel good in her own skin but is so out of touch with herself that she does not even know it and expects others to make her feel good about herself. There are many women out there and they are bad friends. These women are stuck in their puberty, I always say. They are impossible to be friends with. I have been in the same situation several times and it honestly makes me afraid to engage in new friendships with women because they disappoint me most of the time.
    Try to have a face to face meeting with her to lay it all on the table. If you notice that she avoids such a meeting or refuses to listen to you, then you know that you tried everything you could but that she just does not want to be a friend the way you want her to be.

  8. Lauren says:

    One part of your post stood out for me…where you said that your friend had hurt you in this manner before, but at those times you did not say anything. This time you did.

    It looks like she hurt you in the past and you let it go, and now this may well be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. You have had enough, by the sound of it.

    I think you should just let it go, and perhaps time will heal the wounds. I wouldn’t send that letter/card that you are thinking of sending. It will only cause more hurt feelings and anger, and no good ever comes of that.

    Also, perhaps consider things from her view point. An out of state wedding can cost upwards of $1500/2000 for the guest (hotel costs, meal costs, airfare costs, the costly gift or monetary gift, possible new clothes for the invited guest(s) her and her spouse?,the incidental costs of travel..getting a house sitter, a pet sitter etc, taking time off work, etc. Maybe she was going through a financial crisis, full of unexpected costs springing up. Perhaps she suffers from social anxiety now, and she doesn’t want to talk about those embarrassing things.

    Also, believe it or not, there are ppl who really don’t like crowds, don’t like weddings, don’t like funerals, etc etc. This may also have been apart of it.

    My husband and I went to a wedding in the Bahamas, but we just considered it part of our annual vacation. What with the hotel costs, the food during our one week stay , the airfares, the costly cash gift, the new outfits, the house/ pet sitter, etc etc, we spend upwards of $5000. It’s not everyone who wants to do that, or who can do that because of their financial restraints. It turned out to be quite a small wedding, as quite a number of the invitees had declined, probably because of the costs involved.

    On the other hand, if your friendship has been a source of hurts and slights aimed at you, for a long time prior to the wedding, then maybe it’s time to back off and let things drift.

    Only you know what the history of this friendship really is, and therefore only you can make the decision on whether to take the high road and forgive her for not coming to the wedding, or to let her go as a friend.

    All the best to you with your decision.

  9. Susan says:

    I will ad my 2 cents here; I can’t help but think that the fact the friend was crying hysterically may suggest something deeper and more profound happened on her end, and maybe at the time she didn’t feel comfortable sharing with perhaps anyone at the time. Maybe it had something to do with her husband? Idk, just a thought. It was mentioned she is was dramatic at one point as well. I’m guessing that maybe she is going through a turmoil and is an ’emotional mess.’ I know from experience I, and others, were much more sensitive during the time.
    On the other hand, 27 years of friendship, with you considering her to be one of your best friends, suggests to me that there should be more open, upfront, honest communication between both people. Perhaps she doesn’t quite feel the same as you do. I would let it go, for now anyway. Take this as a learning experience, but more importantly, listen to your gut feeling and inner voice. It helps to know you are not alone. 🙂

  10. Mrs. R. Davidson says:

    Could it be that she is envious of your son getting married?
    You don’t mention if she has children or how they are doing.
    This is just a thought.

  11. Maddie says:

    Traveling to another state for a wedding is prohibitively expensive. Yes, she should have declined earlier but you also should be ready to gracefully accept a declined invitation to an out of state wedding. No matter how close a friend. Wedding entitlement is out of control. She may have not been able to or wanted to lay out 1500 plus dollars for the privilege of attending a wedding. My vote is to let it go.

  12. Amy F says:

    Here’s what I’d do and why. I hope some of it is helpful.

    Before sending that or any letter, figure out what the purpose of the communication and how the note will move me toward a satisfactory resolution. If you’re not interested in preserving the relationship, I wouldn’t send anything because you’d be continuing a dialogue. If you aren’t sure, I’d say I had accepted the apology, but had a lot going on with the holidays and hope she and her family enjoy the winter celebrations. If you want to salvage the relationship, even if the friendship has a different feel than prior to the conflict, I’d call. Text and email are one dimensional ways of communicating and open to misinterpretation. I wouldn’t use the “different truths and perceptions” sentence, because to me that sounds like “I’m not buying what you’re selling” in a passive, indirect t manner. Whenever I say things like, “we’ll have to agree to disagree”, I mean “I’m not changing my mind and I’m not asking you to change your mind, I wan to end this discussion.”

    To me your friend gets kudos for telling you three weeks before the wedding, not the week of or the day before. I can think of several legitimate reasons for not giving a reason for canceling: financial (and feeling uncomfortable if you offered to foot the bill), anxiety/depression, a problem with a family member that she’s been asked not to disclose (rape, suicide attempt, legal problems).

    I’m a few years older than you (not many, lol) and I wouldn’t throw away a relationship I had for half my life unless the person was abusive or didn’t respect my boundaries. I’d set strong limits and wouldn’t get into the drama unless it was something actually dramatic and not self created (rape, cancer or other illness she wasn’t overblowing). If I felt like annoyed with the way she was dealing with situations, I’d say that I couldn’t be helpful, and give her some links for support.

    When I’m faced with a big decision, I try to weigh what I want for right now, and then I think about how I’ll feel in five years about that decision. That helps me look at long and short term goals for the decision.

    • Lena says:

      Thank you Everyone. Initially I asked what was going on. She never has given me a reason. I did offer to pay her expenses but I don’t think money is the issue and she has never been afraid to tell me about any problems. After the first letter I sent telling her how disappointed I was I really expected the explanation to come and for us to move on. When her reaction was as hysterical (I’m not exaggerating) and angry at me for questioning our friendship I starting thinking wow, this is crazy. Good Friends should be able to be honest with each other. She can’t handle this. On top of her not coming she sent me a stupid text. That’s not our typical way of communication. It was so thoughtless but I did send a mixed message. At the time, I wasn’t going to beg her to come and I did assume something was wrong and she would tell me about it. The following day after our phone call I called her husband to see if she was ok. His words have been stuck in my mind since. You have been an easy friend for her to have. In other words, would we have remained such close friends had we lived near each other? I think her letter (which never explained why she didn’t come) hurt me even more. I was using her words, truths and perceptions. It saddens me when I think about it but I’m not dwelling on it and I really dislike the manipulation. Thank you all for your comments.

      • Mara says:

        It’s hard to know what her husband meant by those words. My two thoughts are either that you are an easy friend for her to have b/c you put up with a lot, are tolerant of her behavior, don’t call her on it, let things go.

        Or that b/c you live out of state, you are an “easy” friend to have b/c she can be a friend through phone calls, email, texting, and doesn’t have to go through the physical motions of meeting up for brunch or outings and seeing each other in person. If your friend is going through a hard time, he may have meant you are an easy friend to have b/c there aren’t those in-person demands on her.

        Perhaps she has lost social connections with nearby friends b/c they were too much to maintain, while it is easier to keep up a friendship with someone when you only have to do so by phone or email or text. Don’t have to do your hair, get dressed, make plans, drive somewhere, etc.

        Anyways, I’m only going off the context that your friend could possibly be depressed. If that is not the issue here, then my thoughts don’t really fit this situation and disregard. Her hysterical reactions and upset that you are questioning the friendship, that is what came to mind, but I am only speculating of course.

  13. lottie says:

    Hi Lena,
    I agree with what others have said and think it might have been financial.If it is a family coming it usually means new clothes,days off work plus the gift or whatever.It can be overwhelming just thinking of the cost.On her own, again she might have more important priorities with her money and could have been worrying for months juggling her finacies.
    However,she didnt come and gave you 3 weeks notice,thank goodness all your others guests didnt do the same!! So,I think I would drift away from her especially as she is acting like the injured party.That in itself would anger me. GUILTY of neglecting a good friendship. As for the letter it helps to clear your mind writing it down but I wouldnt waste a stamp on her,she might reply or not. Please dont put yourself on POST PATROL waiting for a letter. Take care Lottie

  14. Patricia says:

    Hi there Lena,
    Its heartbreaking that your long time friend didn’t make the effort to make your sons wedding without any explanation.
    However I have to be totally honest with you and I hope that you can see my way of thinking.
    Knowing that you would be hurt and have resentment towards her for not attending the wedding, I think that you should have been honest with her from the beginning when she had sent you a text and told her that you would “disappointed and hurt” if did not attend. With the response of “yes you would still love her”, I think you kinda gave her a way out and relieved her of the expectation you may have had of her as your best friend. Obviously she had to make the right decision based on what is going on with her life at the time, but at least she would have known that she was letting you down from right away instead of finding out months later how upset you where. Maybe, just maybe that would have changed her decision.
    In regards to your letter, I agree with Irene, it’s unclear – I think you stated that you had already told her that you are hurt and angry. If you have truly forgiven her, its time to move on and now whats left to do is for you to decide what impact she has on your future life. If you have not forgiven her and are still upset and hurt, you need to tell her that and allow your friend to explain why she had missed the wedding.
    Life is full of disappointments and we have to learn to roll with the punches.
    Good Luck!

  15. Leeanne says:

    I’ve done the same thing to a longtime friend. In my case I have 3 friends I’ve been close to since grade school. One of these friends invited me to a special, milestone event which was very expensive. I politely declined because I didn’t think she was worth the expense.

    This began one day when I tried to help her with a problem and she told me that we’re not that close and she’d like to keep her personal life to herself. I was so shocked as I’ve never betrayed her but I had to accept that she didn’t feel as close to me as I did to her. I really didn’t see that coming. In my heart/mind, we were no longer confidants. She still calls me daily but she is no longer worth the effort I used to put into the friendship.

    • TooSmart says:

      I think you react in a very passive aggressive way to this friend. Why don’t you tell her that you have been hurt by her instead of declining an invitation with the thought “that she is not worth the expense”? Why do you let her contact her when you don’t really want her in your life? Do you get a kick out of this? This is a very immature way of reacting to her.
      Tell her what is bothering you and give her a chance to react.

      • Lena says:

        I did tell her. (twice) I called her on the phone and she fell apart. She couldn’t handle it. Months later she responds to my phone call with a letter that basically says I’m sorry (and I accept) but doesn’t explain anything and is very upset that I would question our friendship. To this day I still don’t know what happened and I’ve asked. I don’t get a kick out of this at all. It has been very hard on me. Had this been one of her children nothing would have kept me from being there for her. And if I couldn’t have I would have been honest enough to call her and tell her. A text message is for sorry can’t do dinner. I really thought when I phoned her she would just tell me what had happened and we would be moving on. I’m not an unforgiving person. It should have been fine to tell her hey I was disappointed and her to have listened. If you can’t be honest with your best friend who can you be honest with?

        • TooSmart says:

          Lena, I think there is confusion here. I was reacting to Leeanne not to you. I reacted to you in a post higher up.
          I totally understand you and I agree with you. Therefore I am afraid that the only thing you can do is end the friendship. I would simply tell your friend that you don’t accept the way she has acted concerning the wedding of your child.
          It is painful but she does not seem to understand that she was out of line, and I can’t see where the two of you can go from here if she does not want to explain why she reacted the way she did, and if she is unable to discuss this as a grown-up. She becomes hysterical when you talk about ending the friendship yet she does not want to behave as a true friend… I can’t see what future your friendship has, unless it would be the continuation of this unhealthy pattern: you giving and her being all selfish.

          • Lena says:

            Oh, I see. Thank you for your comments. I’ve just struggled ending things. I was hoping my card would just stop the back and forth. Nothing was being resolved and I don’t think it ever will be resolved. I’m fine with that.
            I’m not that old but old enough to realize that I should start taking care of myself. I’m starting to do more of the things I want. Spend time with those that mean the most and it’s not so difficult. It is with regret that this friendship has ended but I think it’s for the best for me right now. I’m very happy to have been able to hear everyone’s suggestions. Thank you again.

            • TooSmart says:

              Struggling to end things… I hear you. I find this very difficult. I just have ended a friendship with a friend who out of our 4 last appointments (always her initiative) cancelled 3 of them, 2 one hour before the appointment would take place.
              I told her I found this unacceptable and that I had the impression this was her way of letting me know she had a problem with me. She denied that but at the same time did not want to make another appointment because I had told her I did not like these last-minute cancellations (plus the fact that she does them by text, not with a call).
              So what can one do in these conditions? No way I want to be treated like that so I have no choice to stop it. But it hurts. At the same time, I know that she simply did not have the balls to end the friendship herself so she started to behave badly, so that I had no other choice than to end the friendship. Not only the end of the friendship hurts but the way it has been done, a very negative way. But then, if we would be able to talk about stuff in an open and honest way, there would be no need to end the friendship.
              But I know myself, the hurt will linger on for a long time. Every time something will happen that I would have shared with her in the past, I will feel a little pang in my heart.
              But as you say, taking good care of ourselves is all we can do. I am not willing to compromise my integrity and values for a “friend” who is not really one.

  16. Karen says:

    Hi Lena,
    Don’t send the letter yet. I have had this same situation. When my oldest son had his bar mitzvah, a dear friend from out of town decided last minute not to come. I had booked the whole weekend and she was very much involved. From her Hotel room to the night before dinner to the actual party, all of which we prepaid for. She was a great friend, I thought. She came up with a lame excuse. We lost touch after that. My husband tells me she was jealous of my life. I miss the friendship, but I do not miss the lies. We had been college friends and I never thought she would miss such an important part of my life. I was hurt and she was not sincere. If you really want this friendship, go ahead and mail the letter. It might cover the bandage, but it will never heal the wound that she did not show up at your son’s wedding.

  17. Maegan says:

    I didn’t attend the wedding of one of my 2 best friends. Although the venue wasn’t very far & expensive to go to, it was still a good 4-5 hr drive round trip. It was a big wedding and I admit, I got disappointed that my friend didn’t even consider me to be a one of her 7-8 bridesmaids. I didn’t feel like spending for a gift, for a supposedly expensive dress (since it was a grandiose wedding), shoes, hair & makeup etc. I felt like my presence wasn’t really going to be missed, since she has 200-250 guests, anyway. To add salt to the injury, when I apologized that I couldn’t come, she asked if I wanted to do anything for the mass, like be a reader or be an offerer. I didn’t express my disappointment abt this, because the wedding was about her, not me, and I didn’t want to add stress to her big day, although I feel like she sensed it, since she offered for me to do something for during the ceremony only when I told her I couldn’t come. So it was financial and my disappointment that got made me MIA during her wedding.

Leave a Reply