What to do with an out-of-sync friendship
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
"Lance" and I have been
friends since third grade, and now we have both graduated school and are getting jobs or attending college. I feel like I’ve
left him in the dust, emotionally speaking.
Despite his attempts to attend college and hold a part-time job, he is incredibly
immature for his age and sometimes I feel like I’m palling around with a kid in
junior high instead of a young man starting out in life.
He is constantly involved in drama,
both with me and with others and I’m really getting sick of the skits he pulls me into. I’m in the process of
getting a job as a caretaker and finding a new home, and I feel like I’m really
getting on in my life, whereas he’s just stuck in a time warp.
He is always playing games with me and
causing problems with our friendship for no good reason other than that he
likes the drama. And I am so fed up with it! Because of our long history
together, I feel bound to him and he puts a lot of pressure on me to stay with
him, despite my growing doubts about our friendship’s future. Is it okay to leave
this life-long friend behind on my way to a brighter
future?
Signed, Winnie
ANSWER
Hi Winnie,
It sounds like you already left Lance
behind as you began maturing. You mention that the relationship is quite
strained already and dealing with your friend is grating on you. When someone
changes and the other doesn’t, it can undermine a relationship whether it’s
with a friend or a romantic partner.
Now might be the perfect time to create
some distance between you and Lance. Don’t think in absolutes. You don’t have
to split from him completely—but you will be moving on with career goals.
Perhaps, you can see him less often and still stay in touch for old time’s
sake. It might make the relationship better as a result, and if it doesn’t, you
may want to step away all together.
Hopefully, before long you’ll be
meeting new friends who are more in sync with you emotionally and at the same
stage of life as you.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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