We could be great platonic friends, if only…

Whether a relationship is platonic or romantic, for it to work, everyone needs to be on the same page.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Okay, so I have a kind of weird situation going on. I’m not sure about my…’friendship’ with someone, and I don’t know where to go from here.

I recently graduated from college and I’m 21 years old. I worked in the Peer Tutoring Center at my school for the last two years, where I became acquainted about six months ago with the IT Guy (He’s 31, and I’ll just refer to him as IT Guy) who worked next door to me.

We get along pretty well and have a ton in common, so I’ve told him that we’re pretty much twins. He’s done various computer things for me (that he really wasn’t supposed to, working for the school and all), and I’ve tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot. But I was never really sure whether we were friends or not. Sometimes he’d be receptive to my initiating contact but then there’d be periods where he barely acknowledged my existence.

I will admit now that I did have a strong infatuation with him before, but I’ve grown to look up to him more in a brotherly way, and he reminds me a lot of my dad. But things got weird when I inquired about his Facebook. At first, he claimed he didn’t have one, but then admitted he does and just hides it so that the teachers don’t add him and bother him.

Eventually, I asked to be Facebook friends with him. And he agreed at first, but it never happened. He eventually said it was school policy that he couldn’t be friends with students.

We communicated in person and occasionally through e-mail. And after I graduated, he asked what my personal e-mail was, because he had my school one. But he didn’t want my phone number because his girlfriend (who works next door to him on the other side) wouldn’t be happy about it, so we would just continue e-mailing. I thought it was lame, because most of my friends are guys, but I left it alone.

But he still wouldn’t add me on Facebook, and when I asked about it this time, he said “She would kill [him].” I thought it was kind of ridiculous, since Facebook is such a whatever thing, and I have lots of friends on it. But once again, I left it alone.

We both like South Park, and my friend and I have tickets to see The Book of Mormon, but my friend wasn’t sure if they could still go. I had asked IT Guy if he would want to come, figuring he would say no. But he said he might be able to. Then my friend officially couldn’t go, but I didn’t ask IT Guy again about it, because I just figured he wouldn’t be allowed to. But I happened to bring it up again today, and he said if he went, it’d have to be a covert operation.

I just feel weird about having to do it in secret. It makes it seem like we’re doing something terribly wrong, but we’re just gonna see an awesome musical, Ha ha. Even the e-mailing and IM-ing seems so secretive. And his girlfriend could even keep an eye on us on Facebook if she’s so concerned. I have nothing to hide. I’d be willing to be friends with her, too, just in general. I think we have stuff in common, and we’d get along.

So, does this kind of behavior seem weird? I know they’ve been together for 4 or 5 years now, so he must really care for her. And she obviously cares for him to be so concerned about his life with other people, but it just seems to be a bit much. I really like him a lot, and I think we could be really great friends if we were allowed to be.

I have plenty of friends in relationships, even engaged and married, and we’re still able to hang out. And one of my best friends here is male and almost 33, so gender and age difference means nothing to me.

I do understand where IT Guy’s girlfriend is coming from. I am also a jealous person, but I just feel like there should be some kind of limit. It seems a little controlling. And it just makes me really sad that we’ll never get to be real friends.

So, is there any real point in trying to be his friend anymore? It doesn’t seem like we’ll ever be able to hang out and be friends. And I wanna be happy for him, as long as he’s happy, but I just can’t help but feel bad for his situation. I just know I would never want my significant other telling me who I could and couldn’t be friends with.

Signed, Amy

ANSWER

Hi Amy,

It takes two people to nurture and maintain any friendship. I can understand your confusion about the course of this friendship because it seems as if the IT guy has been acting ambivalently about his relationship with you: Sometime he wants to be close and, other times, he seems to back off.

Moreover, your feelings about IT guy have vacillated too. At one point, you were infatuated with him and later on, you decided he was more of a brother or fatherly figure. And although you see him as a potentially great friend of yours—that is followed by a big IF…

This is a tricky relationship.

You need to have a frank talk with IT guy, be honest with him and yourself about your feelings, and let him know that you don’t feel comfortable doing anything covert behind his girlfriend’s back that would have negative repercussions for him (in terms of her jealousy) and you (in terms of your self-esteem).

If you both want a friendship, as opposed to a romantic relationship, this is something that IT guy needs to work out with his girlfriend. Whether or not she is too controlling of him is his business, not yours.

The only way this can be a great friendship—between you and IT guy, or among the three of you—is if everyone is on the same page. If he is unwilling to go there, you may have to look for a new, and less complicated, friendship.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Other recent posts on The Friendship Blog about opposite-sex friendships:

• Can men and women just be friends?
• Three Rules for Opposite Sex Friendships

Tags: boyfriend, just friends, male-female friendship, opposite sex, platonic, threesome

Category: Opposite sex friends