• Few or No Friends

Unable to make friends: I feel like a failure waiting to die

Published: September 28, 2014 | By | 318 Replies Continue Reading
A 61-year-old woman has no friends and feels like a total failure


Hi Irene,

I’m about to turn 61. I feel like 80, I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I grew up with undiagnosed learning disabilities that caused me to fail in school and later, at work, and to be “weird” enough to have no friends, growing up and few in adulthood.

No serious romantic relationship either, last date was 30 years ago, before I put on 100 extra pounds. My learning disabilities didn’t get diagnosed until my early 40s. By then, I was unemployable and on medication for chronic depression.

Still, by some miracle, I had a few friends who didn’t mind that I was “weird,” never married, no children, and such a failure at the most menial jobs that I wound up on what many people consider a kind of welfare.

But as each of my parents became frail and needed my help as a caretaker, the last few friends drifted away. Or I drifted away, or both. Now it’s just me and my 13-year-old cat. My disability checks are so small that a generous family member helps me financially, just as my parents did, all my adult life, while they were living. Another lifelong source of shame is that I couldn’t support myself. I don’t feel good enough to be anybody’s friend.

I come from a family of clutterers and after my last parent died (we lived in the same house), I gave up and the clutter got so completely out of control there’s no room to have anybody over.

I’ve never had a lot of energy, but now, if it weren’t for the cat’s needs, I have a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed. I never personally knew anybody with my worst learning disability, dyscalculia, the one that really derailed my employability, and my state’s Voc Rehab was no help with that disability.

I’ve always felt so unworthy compared to other people. My “social contacts” are the local stores I regularly go to, where they recognize me and we make small talk but we’re not “friends,” and I couldn’t bear for them to know what a failure I really am.

I’m likely to be one of those people who’s found alone, long after they’ve died. I don’t see any other way, for a lifelong freak.

Signed, Marla


Hi Marla,

The way you expressed yourself in writing suggests you have more strengths than you give yourself credit for. You should feel good about taking care of your parents and your cat. Moreover, summoning up the energy and courage to write suggests you have enough spark left to want to change your situation.

It sounds like your life has spiraled downward since your parents passed away leaving you with a house full of clutter while you were mourning their loss.

Under the best of circumstances, it’s hard to connect with other people when you feel different and characterize yourself as a failure. Sometimes depressed mood and losses compound each either making it hard for someone to dig him/herself out of a “hole” without professional help.

Given the situation you describe, I would urge you to reach out for such help. Discuss your problems with your physician who may be able to help you get on a healthier regimen to lose some of the weight that’s troubling you and depleting your energy. Ask the doctor to recommend a mental health counselor who can assess whether your depression is being adequately treated and help you build upon your strengths. If you are on disability, you should have access to healthcare.

Your ability to make small talk with local shopkeepers suggests that you have social skills that are probably untapped. There may be some religious or community organizations in your neighborhood where you can dip your toes in the water and begin speaking to other people. Could you volunteer at an animal shelter? Become a pet-sitter to earn some extra money?

Not knowing you or your community, it’s hard for me to make specific suggestions but I think you definitely need to reach out for help. I’m glad that you took this first step.

Warm regards, Irene

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Category: Friendship and aging, HAVING NO FRIENDS, Making friends at 60

Comments (318)

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  1. Angelina says:

    I am a 65 year old woman born into an Italian family. I divorced my husband after 17 years as he revealed he is gay. He said he knew he was when we married. I ran myself emotionally ragged trying to fix our marriage without knowing what was wrong. I have no children. I retired several years ago. At one time I was a vivacious, funny person with many finds. Educated, professional career and world traveler. Somehow, my shock and consequent divorce was evidence to me you can not trust anything in this life. Obviously, we humans are not in control.
    I survived a brutal childhood but still managed to pull myself together to get my college education and reach a modicum of success in my profession. Had years of therapy, but never really was glad to be on the planet. My older sisters have been in long time stable marriages and have children and grandchildren. Their lives are full and busy and make it clear to me that ,as their little sister , I am not a priority in their lives…..not even an option. I don’t interject myself into their lives unless absolutely necessary. I never relied on them for anything, emotionally or otherwise, so no real loss there. Many of my friends were lost when I divorced. Others drifted away as I tried to regain my balance. The world is a cold and lonely place and I wonder whether my existence here is necessary. Really, I try very hard to keep moving and motivated, but the isolation is almost unbearable at times. Church gives me more busy people who seem to look through me. My worst nightmare has now become my life. Depression is not what I feel. It is more like waking up and discovering that I never existed to begin with, as I leave no footprints. I am one of the invisible walking wounded. I am so very tired of just existing and enduring. I have much empathy for all whose letters I read. May we all find peace one day.

    • Denise E. says:

      I can absolutely relate. This planet is overpopulated with over 7 billion cockroaches. No one cares. You say it so well and it is not your fault. You did the best you can. You cannot control other people and their choices/actions. People are for the most part hateful, selfish, greedy and self-absorbed. Family doesn’t exist for me. Like you, I tried so hard. I am no longer going to try because my results do not match my efforts. Church is sick. There are so many selfish people running around there and they do not care, either. A relationship with Christ is the only thing I can suggest. It is hard because I sometimes doubt too. There are so many, many suffering and dying, children and animals etc. and people just lying in squalor. I do not know why God created the human race and why he doesn’t divert things. I think it is time we move on to something else, another form of existence that is bearable. This is not. I am sorry about your marriage. The trauma from that is huge and for him to enter into a relationship knowing he was gay is even more hurtful.

      • Angelina says:

        Dear Denise,

        It is very kind of you to respond to my post. At least, I know I am not totally invisible.
        You talk of belief in Christ. I became a follower of Christ and baptized when I was 43. The scripture that says ” Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Yes, as you, I have doubts. I think it is the way humans were created. We base everything on what we see and our experiences. The Christ tells us, “blessed are those who believe what they can not see”. If anything, at least for me, the concept of a Christ giving his life to save me is just too beautiful to believe. Sometimes, I think our existence on earth is the Hell that is spoken of in the Scriptures. There are some parts of me, perhaps like you, Denise, that are unconverted.

        My question is why create us, people who have so much to give and have love and empathy for nature, animals and people, and then have dark and sometimes evil persons cross our path and try to destroy those wonderful parts of us. After so many encounters with uncaring cruel people, my only option is to be in a closed protective mode. It’s my existence in the outer dark that brings the most pain. We were created for connectedness, but who can one connect when most are so self absorbed.

        I get totally that your efforts you make do not match the results you get. Not for me either. The reality that we are alone in a paired up world is hurtful enough, but having blood sisters only concern themselves with only their family they contain in a bubble, is very hurtful and discouraging. I have
        considered the total dysfunctional family in which I grew up damaged them to the point of being unable to have anything to offer to me. They are wounded as well, and I try to keep that in mind and
        forgive their lack of love, concern and inclusion. I know I would not be that way. But that’s the best they can do.

        I empathize that your family is non existent, as well. Does it make you feel like you have no value? That’s the way it makes me feel, even though I know that is flawed thinking. We can’t always go by our feelings and emotions, but we must try to move beyond them to know we do have value. Hard, hard to do when we are kept on the outside and our only option is to be an observer and peep
        through the windows at their lives of connection and love.

        Something broke in me when I discovered the man I married and my life with him was just an illusion. I don’ t understand that level of cruelty. He is still living in the closet and dating other women. I just hope he doesn’t perpetuate this insanity on another women. I tried to sue him for fraud because I co-mingled my inheritance in the community marriage assets. I would have never done that had I known the truth, but the truth was revealed only after he benefited from the money. I was told I could not sue for fraud in a civil court or criminal court. Well, I should be able to.

        Unbelievably, there are many women who found their husbands of 30, 40 and even 50 years whose husbands left them after revealing that they were and are gay. Societal changes in acceptance makes it possible for them to now live a gay lifestyle openly. I do get their dilemma, to an extent, but that does not give them permission to steal years from someone’s life. My ex husband felt entitled to my life so he could, as he put it ” look normal”. What a screwed up world in which we live! He has gone on with his life, and I am on life support wondering around in a debris field of beliefs that are no longer true. Pathetic. All those wasted years of fruitless attempts to make a marriage work. The worst part is he made me feel the problem lay in me. So you see, I am still angry but when I move past the anger, and I will, what lies on the other side. At 65, I have no energy, hope or time for a “do over”.

        I have come to the conclusion after several different attempts, this is the way I will come to my end.
        Such a dark, cruel empty existence. How sad I am for the children that suffer and animals that suffer and the world of invisible and disenfranchised people in the world. Yes, I do believe this may be Hell.

        Even though I provide no comfort to you, what I do know is that you have worth and you are valuable.
        You are wounded but not invisible. I see your footprints. I pray Christ sees both of our footprints and leads us out of this desolate, no man’s land of isolation and pain. From my lips to God’s Ear.


        • Denise E. says:

          Angelina: You are welcome and thank you for your response. I believe it is wonderful that you found Christ when you were 43 years old. This is a relationship you can build on for eternity. Christ is enough for you. I really feel your pain surrounding your marriage and the deception that was involved is huge and something that would be extremely hard to recover from but it is possible. Christ can offer healing. I am not sure if you received any counsel when you were divorced but I am sure there is a professional you can consult who can help you along with written materials. It is very, very difficult to forgive but Christ can enable you to do that over time. It is not an instant thing but once you release him you will receive healing and also be able to pray about what Christ wants you to do with your life. Sixty five in today’s world is not particularly old if you are healthy. You could have 30+ years left. May be there is a ministry for supporting other women who have experienced what you have somewhere in the future that you can prepare for or wherever God leads? I know forgiveness is very hard almost impossible but it is always for us too so we can move on. Your ex-husband was/is an imposter trying to be a loving husband and also being gay at the same time. Remember, he isn’t happy, it is impossible. He may have gone on with his life, but how sad that he is continuing to fool other women? He will continue to hurt other women in the process and he will be accountable. Deep down he cannot feel good about himself. You, actually are so much better off and you have Christ. How wonderful is that. There is no condemnation in Christ. Your ex-husband, until he repents if ever will be condemned. God is a despiser of the gay lifestyle and he talks about Sodom and Gomorrah in his word. Homosexuality is a spirit that entangles a person and it is very powerful and it controls a person to the point where they crave it and lose their own reasoning. Not to excuse them, because they were responsible at some point in their lives. They made the choice but it is like an addiction and God sees it as an abomination. Homosexuals cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. They have to repent and turn away from the lifestyle and seeking and asking God is the only way it can be done. You mentioned about the many evil people. These are the people who decided to reject God many, many years ago and consequences accumulate over time depending on what they do. God at some point will give them up to depraved minds. Some sins can go back to the third and forth generations and it gets complex. People will be greedy and selfish in the last days and will care about nothing but themselves They have no conscience. There are many people in church who are just churchgoers but not true followers of Christ and they are of another gospel. Heaven’s dimensions are given in Revelation. It is not very big because there will not be too many people there. The narrow road is very hard to walk and it is easier to fit a camel through the eye of a needle. People have drifted away and really care about what they want only and they don’t even care if they hurt someone else’s feelings. I am a target for abusive individuals because I am quiet and they take their anger out on me. I am still learning skills to deal with them. It is very hard to make friends nowadays. I spend a lot of time alone. I have a cat and can relate to him better. He is loyal and predictable and he forgives me. How sad people cannot be that way. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come.”. An unregenerative mind is not capable of doing much except pleasing himself. God sent Christ so we could have a new life. He didn’t leave us in the muck, but people still roll around in it like pigs because they honestly do not know what they do. Our dysfunctional families have taken years to form and the dynamics are set in place. They relate that way because that is what is normal for them and they do not know any different. I do not believe you wasted your time in the marriage at all. Even though it is now over you can use what you have learned for something else in the future. God doesn’t waste anything. Keep asking and he will reveal. He can turn things around for you where you have hope. He came to give us hope. I suffer from depression and have many days where I feel it is useless but I have to trust God. He knows our plans. He does not have evil but good for us. This is a reminder to me too, that I have to keep reading the scriptures every day and not focus on junk. Positive thoughts help renew the brain and his mercies are new every morning. I will pray for you that you can turn the corner and receive what God has for you. It is better than what the world can offer. God Bless you. Denise

    • Marcia says:

      After reading the comments here-it makes me so sad that those of us who are alone and feel forgotten and consumed by painful memories…feeling like we are just waiting to die (that thought motivates me to try to sell/give away my stuff and not leave behind a mess-but the days tick by and I struggle to get my dishes done)-can’t get together and at least be kind to each other-help each other.I like to garden,cook healthy,read inspiring true stories,play scrabble….but this isolation and loneliness make me feel like I’ve already died. I was rejected by my mother at age 2 -and the rest of the family followed suit-I was the “bad” child-the scapegoat and things just got worse. After a suicide attempt at age 16-I was locked up and my father, a doctor, told me I would be there for life. They were injecting me with horrible drugs that I later found out CAUSE brain damage. By a miracle-I ran away-only to stumble into a cult by which I was exploited for many, many years-not having a mind or life of my own. I believe Christ delivered me out of that-by then I was in my 30’s and a single parent. I never found true friends in the Christian church-although I was faithful and tried to follow the teachings and raise my children by them.I found myself in an abusive marriage-a “Christian” counselor matched me up with a man who turned out to be a pathological liar,a porn addict, physically abusive-and great at convincing others that I was sick and the cause of his problems.He turned people against me while I was home just breastfeeding his son and trying to raise my other 2 young children. Then I left and was alone now trying to raise my 3 children-he hired a lawyer so I had to comply with his wishes. Long story short-I found being a single mother and trying to recover from the traumas of my life very socially isolating-the in the church people busy with their own family and friends-other women act like you might try to take their husbands…. such a struggle for my children. My daughter who I felt understood me and cared more than anyone on this planet-died a few years ago(she was 19) as the result of a car accident. My 2 sons have followed their fathers lifestyles and stay away. I have never felt that God is to be blamed. There are too many things we just don’t understand. Man is given power to exercise his free will and there is so much injustice.I believe drugs and alcohol and unhealthy lifestyles weaken the mind and people believe lies and are manipulated and do wrong. My mother was an alcoholic. Yet-I struggle with not understanding the amount of horrible suffering in this world.The nights are the hardest-sometimes I just stuff myself with food which i hate to do-but the emptiness and isolation get SO intense.I’ve given up going to church…too many horrible experiences and never find any real friends.everyone is so busy.
      Why can’t some of us get together and pool our resources and get a house with a garden and have one rule:”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and in helping each other maybe we could help more people and with kindness find a reason to live.
      I think we need more faith

  2. Gloria says:

    I need someone to talk to who is not a professional or bias. No maybe I just need someone to listen without judging. All my life I have just wanted to be loved for me. Not for what I can give. Growing up my mother compared me to My sister who would make Mother Theresa look bad . My father was my rock and my rock was shattered the day after my 17th birthday. My father died.
    Okay here is my teen year romances. Age 14 I had a crush on my best friends cousin who of course wanted another one of my friends. My first date and love was at age 15. He broke my heart and began seeing another one of my friends. I did not go to any of the school dances because I was never asked. I married the first boy who paid attention to me and told me he loved me. I was 17 years old. I think my mother was happy to get me off her hands . She let me live at home until I graduated from high school. Only because she promised my father.
    Getting back to the 1st man I married. He had no education came from the worse of families. He would not work at eating pies t a pie factory. As I said my Mother agreed to let me live with her until I graduated but not my husband. So he and I separated after 3 months of marriage. Which was one with me I didn’t love him I just married him out of spite for my Mother.
    Short story: Halloween night my boyfriend and I was ” making out” as teenagers do on the living room sofa and in walks mom who thought she saw us doing the wild thing. I cried my ex ran and I tried to explain to her we were not having sex. For heavens sake she could see we still had our clothes on. Any way she snorted and laughed now that he got what he wanted he would never marry me. In front of her I picked up the phone called him and ask if he wanted to get married that Saturday and that is what we did.
    Not to bore you anymore this is the beginning and totality of my life.
    I was not suppose to be born and I have been a mistake and failure since birth.
    Now that I am 63 years old I am tired of failing. I now realize all my life the only person I have been a failure to us myself. I am tired just so tired.

    • Kris says:

      I am a 42 year old woman who also struggles with dyscalculia,ADHD and major depression.I have 0 friends left as in Nobody at all.I chose bad company in friends when I was younger and where I’m from, it’s very hard to make new friends.My mum, who was my best friend and soulmate died April 2016 and I am a shell of who I was when she was alive.My grandfather has Parkinson’s And having lost his only daughter is just sitting around waiting to die.I have two teens and a pre teen and they are the only reason I’m still here,even though everyday i wish I wasn’t.I had to quit my job three weeks ago due to mobility issues.Im now looking at having to go back and get re trained for another career starting September.I have problems with spatial concepts and I was never able to learn how to drive.So I have to bus/cab it everywhere, literally. Once my kids are all out of the house, I really will be the old, used up loser I already feel that I am.There will be. O point to my pathetic existence anymore.

    • Denise E. says:

      Sorry things have been tough. No one is a mistake or failure. Can you ask the Lord into your life to help you. I have turned my life over to him. It still gets hard but there is more of a purpose. I volunteer at church, etc. and have a couple of friends and a part time job. Grief is very difficult. I lost my boyfriend 7 years ago nearly and the pain is still there. God will love you for who you are, humans are imperfect and they will always let you down at some point.

    • Dario says:

      Talk all you want Gloria I’m listening I’m no professional not biased and judging other people is not for me I’m a good listener we all need someone we can lean on well you can lean on me

  3. Marie says:

    ACIM is a dangerous spiritual delusion.

  4. Gette says:

    Yes being born with a learning disabilty will kill you. No counseling or praying will help .What might help is winning the lottery at least it will financialy
    take care of the problems that go with a life long learning disability.My sister and I have learning disabilities .We both took care of our mom for 14 years after she passed away my sister tried to get social security under dads name.I finially found a job doing doing costodial work after suffering an aortic dissection.Neither one of qualifies for disability because we saved the government over 3 million dollars taking care of mom. ssi is a bitch. so i Have to work for both of us and because of my health it is killing me .But if i can not afford to eat i am dead any way. I joke to my sister if i end up brain dead and not totally dead the government will spend 14,00 a month on me.My car whell Axal resently snapped prior to driving on the parkway.If it happened on the parkway i wound have been killed and maybe be some innocent victims would have died with me.God would have not cared just another dead person in the news

  5. Unloved says:

    I am a 52 yr. old woman. My family never wanted me and they still don’t. I grew up unloved and still am. I was married many, many years ago, but he beat me and cheated on me, making a baby with another woman. I have been single for a long, long time since I divorced my x husband.
    All I ever meet are men wanting me to support them. I am lonely and I am getting ready to give up. I am giving away all my things which are in storage as I am living in my van and unable to afford an apartment on my disability check. I have health problems which people can’t see when they look at me , so I live with the stigma of living on food stamps and disability income. I am constantly judged and looked down on. I am a writer and a Christian woman. As I write this, not even knowing why…..I am getting ready to give up. God bless you all, hopefully Jesus will come soon so I won’t be committing the unforgivable sin that I can’t repent from. Again, my family doesn’t care whether I live or die, so why should I. I wish I had someone to care about me in this world…someone to leave my vehicle and my possessions to. I don’t. I know that no one would even miss me if I were gone by tonight. Bye.

    • Dario says:

      I would take you in if only you lived nearby, have my own place, I empathize with you soo much and my heart bleeds for you.I know what its like. I wanted to be a Christian once but found them to be phony and uncaring, right now I’m helping someone and she is helping me, she’s just a friend, since I lost my wife a year ago I’ve been contemplating suicide and I long to hear her voice and feel her touch once again I miss her terribly; even wound up in a behavioral health unit which helped a little. I’m on 7 different meds 4 for my heart, 2 for my depression and 1 for my pain; in a way you could say I’m waiting to die so I can go be with my wife, but As she would want I’m trying to live my life for her. It hasn’t been easy but I’m trying. Maybe someday well meet,God willing I pray. Take care my lady and God speed.

    • Marcia says:

      I have a guest room I wish I could help you Press through the darkness-I pray a miracle for you.

  6. batphink says:

    I don’t know if this will help.I finally realize with therapy this past year and after my longest relationship with the girl I thought would be my wife leaving me,that I have been depressed for at least 15 years.I thought it was just normal to be very sad and feeling alone even in a crowd. Music (I live and breathe it) can or would make me cry even in a room full of people,etc,very sensitive and all that.I tried many antidepressants over the years NONE working and becoming a zombie not being able to get out of bed.I recently tried Ciprolex and cannot believe the different,sure I still get a little sad BUT am more able to cope,I can read a book without having to read a paragraph over and over,I can think for myself and have actual ambition now.I am more the man I used to be in my early 20’s.If your pills don’t work keep trying different kinds until you find one that helps! I wish you all well 🙂

  7. batphink says:

    Is this a Christian site? though I am very compassionate I certainly do not believe in Christianity anymore I have countless reasons and read the Bible twice.
    No offense intended to anyone at all.

  8. Batphink says:

    Not sure if guys are welcome here but my story is basically the same,I know lots of people but my phone barely rings.I rarely get asked anywhere maybe because I am again single? though it wasn’t much better when I was attached.
    I’m just an ordinary guy with manners and treat everyone with respect,I try be positive as much as I can being human,I always encourage others,though I find myself alone almost all of the time? I am baffled….? I used to join badminton clubs, I was in numerous bands that played around town,I used to go to church and get involved ,but it never changes. It just seems people and girlfriends leave me hence I’ve not been married and not a criminal or substance abuser…I’m still unsure what it is… thanks for reading and Good Luck

    • Helen says:

      It’s possibly Asperger’s syndrome. I am like that too.

      • Batphink says:

        Hi Helen was the Aspergers comment directed to me by chance?

        • Helen says:

          It was mostly to the lady,Marla (?). She sounds more severely affected by loneliness.
          You sound like you might be having some traits, but I do not want to judge. I checked this website by accident. Do not want to spill my story here. It’s definitely mental. With all that I am pretty fit for my age, looked attractive until recently, but didn’t feel smart and fitting among people! Now the depression is almost clinical…. And I played badminton until last week!… Though numb and lonely inside…
          Sorry for the randomness. Wish to help you, but…. No idea. Definitely not religion . Genetic mishaps.

          • batphink says:

            Hi Helen, I checked up on Aspergers and it appears the only thing would be having difficulty doing normal things at a young age(tying my shoes) lol.Sure like anyone I do like to talk about my few accomplishments BUT I always ask about others as I am pretty humble for the most part.

            I think Loneliness itself is almost a disease and never seems to leave some people,I must admit my antidepressant is really helping (Ciprolex a marvellous drug) and makes me more level headed overall. I feel for you wish I could help,I am not sure they let us contact each other in here?

            Peace and Love to you all 🙂

            • Helen says:

              This is to Batphink.
              Great for you it’s not Asperger’s: since you were in relationship for 15 years and played in the bands, you are a neurotypical, not a neurodiverse . Feel lucky, even though you are not in a relationship , not married, etc.
              Can’t say if loneliness is a disease itself: maybe you have somewhat altered neurons, but it’s not impairing you invisibly for others. Another sign that you benefit from the therapist and antidepressant is I good sign.
              Good luck.:)

  9. george says:

    Yep this world sucks. We should all give up. There is no hope. Those living in their fairy tales that life is really wonderful and there is a magic pill for everything should wake up. It’s not the depressed who are lost it is the depressed who see reality and understand it for what it is worth.

    • Helen says:

      Agree with you, George. Some of us are born that way, had our ways to muddle through life until certain age. And now? – complete nothingness. How old are you? I am 55. Still have means to live, but no purpose since I can’t communicate to people beyond getting groceries, bank, mechanic… All the sides of life with both positive and negative experiences, challenges and success of the neurotypical world are non-existent for me. With all that I was even married!!! That was accidental and not worth telling now. If you still around and can write – please do. Thank you.

    • Helen says:

      I think those who are depressed are just genetic mistakes. Like me. We do all die, but there are those luckier who live long without significant challenges, and those who are born damaged or get sick and die at young age. Feel bad for young children.

    • batphink says:

      George brother, I have been exactly where you are,suicide looked ideal,but in reality NOBODY is worth it,because when you;re gone most won’t care.Having said all that I believe that there is a very small percentage of very compassionate souls remaining on Earth who are FAR more evolved than most,I estimate 10% perhaps,with the majority of people being indifferent or ‘too busy’ with their own lives which is s shame. I wish everyone had a handful of decent and true friends,even I do not.I know a lot but FB friends are really people who know of you or used to know you. Don’t give up ,if you want to chat in email lemme know,I can’t promise much but to listen.

      • Helen says:

        Sorry for interfering with your post to George.
        Sometimes suicide is inevitable, and those who do it – understand the reasons, even they understand it ducks and will hurt their loved ones if they have those.

      • Mark says:

        I’m a 62 year old male. Reading all of your situations , I know I’m not alone in this hopeless world. Still, I have lost everyone I love including my love of my life, my wife and I were the best of friends , best of lovers, I adopted her children years ago. Although I love and get along with my 3 adopted children, my one child I had with my wife, I got depressed. Severely depressed, I watched my once lucrative business fall apart, my wife gave up on me. We wernt super wealthy but money and assets around 1.2 mil. Now penniless, I have trouble even getting out of bed unless someone needs me for something. Then I run as fast as I can to help who ever calls. I gave my wife all I had till I was exhausted. Now it’s 2:00 pm and just getting in the shower so I’m on time to see one of my grandchildren in a school concert.

        Yet all I think about is dying. Day and night I just want to die. I keep searching on the web these hopeless websites thinking some spark will awaken me. I doubt I’ll make 2018 . It just keeps getting worse. Don’t tell me money is meaningless. Once I was self insured. Now I have Medicare. These past 2 months I’ve tried to call and go everywhere for help. When you’ve become poor the help offered is very minimal even though through my working years I’ve paid hundreds of thousands in taxes.

        I’m screwed. Not sure why I’m responding . I’m now just one of thousands maybe millions of hopeless people. I wish you all the best if you can even get any hope in this world.
        It seems to me some can get out but you need even a spark of hope which I don’t have. I’ll soon be a statistic . Best to you all good by.

        • Irene says:

          Hi Mark,

          You haven’t mentioned whether you are receiving mental health treatment for your depression, which can cast a gray cloud on every other aspect of your life.

          Depression is a treatable illness and Medicare should cover the cost of care. Also, some voluntary agencies in your community may be able to provide you with the support of a case manager or social worker to help you deal with any related problems.

          The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a grassroots organization with more than 1000 local affiliates across the nation that provide support for individuals with mental disorders and for their families and friends. Most of these offices have helplines available to assist you in finding care.

          The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance is another nonprofit that offers advice and care for people with mood disorders, including local peer support groups.

          If you just need someone to talk to or feel so down that you are thinking of giving up, a free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

          I hope this is somewhat helpful although this blog can’t directly address the problems you are experiencing.

          Best, Irene

  10. sharon says:

    I no it’s hard ,but hold on to God ..God tells from the beginning we shall live and the died and have everlasting life ..Know that Gods love you and he will heal you ..I think you’re amazing to be able to share your story ..Its good to talk to ppl who have the same common ground ..I am a cancer survivor and I been throuh it all but I know God didn’t keep me here to be miserable in my life ..I have been trying to find hobbies and meetup groups to meet new friends ..Its hard I know for us but we gotta find a place of peace in our lives ..You’re here because ur beautiful God didn’t make know junk you’re wonderful made ..Stand strong and become alive in yourself ..Hope have faith dream big ..You’re here because somebody needs you ..You help me today just by sharing your story ..God got you don’t worry..God has a will for our lives …

    • Irene says:


      My story is similar or worse so I wont repeat it. But the difference is I seek God. I pray, fast, read the Bible, volunteer to help the homeless or disabled etc for 14 years, read tons of books on Christianity, attend ministry at churches, talk to pastors (who have build mega ministry helping the poor) all over the world…then I finally accept that there is no love. Christians are just like non Christians, or worse, in terms of love. They love their families and successful friends. They may feed the homeless but they dont love them, they do it for their own good and reward in Heaven. After 17 years, you still hear the same lie, if you stop focusing on urself but love others by volunteering at rhe church, then all ur problems solved and u wont be depressed. Meanwhile people who tell u these lies are busy caring for their own family, finance, career, vacation, but somehow when it comes to u, u dont need anything but just love other people and all ur problems solved. If u look in the Bible, except for Jesus and Ruth, there are really few examples of love for the poor or vulnerable other than feeding them. The concepts of attachment, belonging, caring (other than food to keep u alive) do not seem to exist. But in real life, you dont see any miracles as discussed in the Bible. Prophets…are all fake in real life…not like in the Bible time where they are real for if they say anything wrong they have to be put to death. So you cant even live like the old time never leaving the temple but just pray days and nights. If you really had encountered a real God, you wont be finding hobbies or meetup groups, but you would be praying for things to change to have a family to experience real love etc etc and to love others by really praying for and helping those who are suffering and hopeless. But you know this is not a solution because you dont know a real God.

      • Denise says:

        I can really relate to this. Many Christians are fake. There are only a few genuine ones out there, in my opinion. They all sit together with their friends and family and only shake hands when the pastor tells them to greet those around you. I do not like people greeting me because they have been told too because it is not real to me. I volunteer at the church twice a month and work 25-28 hours a week and have been going to college on and off. I try to make friends but it doesn’t go any where. Sometimes, I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I am not extremely outgoing but there are times when I have been more outgoing and friendly and really trying and it appears useless. Christians are so busy and usually rushing off to lunch after the service. They do not know how to make a commitment to anything and miss many weeks of Bible Study if they join one. It talks about another gospel in the Bible and most of them do not know the Gospel of Jesus Christ because they follow something else which they think is the Gospel. It also talks about the end times and the love of people will grow cold and then the end or something to that effect. I have noticed people to be a lot colder and unfriendly in the last several years or so. I cannot doubt even though sometimes I get depressed and want to give up I cannot because God has revealed himself to me and has spoken to me (Rhema word). His ways are different than our ways so hang in there and He will bring things to pass. There are a few prophets today for e.g. Jonathan Cahn and John Paul Jackson (recently deceased) that I believe are real. I think Christians are too busy which can actually be a sin.

      • Marcia says:

        You are so wise!!!

  11. Dario says:

    I’m not religious but I remember my pastor of long ago and reading the bible that God in the future is going to restore many of us to perfect health.And that God will wipe away every tear from our eyes,there will be no more death,no sorrow, no crying,there will be no more pain and that God is going to make every thing new and we will all beautifully made.I’m disabled I have to force my self to do what use to be easy for me, like taking a shower. I lost my wife Five months ago and like everybody here I’m just waiting to die ,life has no more meaning without her, she was my only true friend and I miss her terribly, I wish I had the guts to take my life but I don’t, I guess it would be wrong to take my life but that’s how I feel.I just hope that its true and that someday God will reunite us

    • Amy F says:

      I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Depression is a treatable medical illness. Please talk to your doctor. I know things feel,hopeless, but that’s the depression talking. Depression skews reality and makes things seem bleak because chemicals in your brain are working against, not for you,

      • Dario says:

        Amy, I am seeing a doctor, he has me on Paxil but its not working, my wife was my life, its like half of me is gone and I don’t know what to do.I’m extremely depressed and think of suicide every day and I cry for her every day. My life is so lonely without her and I am lost I have no real friends just a few people that I know superficialy.sometimes I just wish I was never born.

        • sharon says:

          No God has our direction ..Plz look at the Goid memories of ur life with her ..Begin to lived your life with faith within God ..I ask God to give you strength ..Be strong and remember what would your wife want you to do now shes gone ..Start coming out the house find a support group and a meetup group ..Loving urself is your goal ..Have faith dream big and know that God loves you ..Don’t die away ..The reality is we all going one day so you will be reunited again with her ..So remember that wasn’t the end …Take this time to find a place of peace …Get out and find a support group so you can talk to others it will help you cope ..Nothing will take away the pain but u can go on with life and begin to lived ..God got you and your work here isn’t done ..Your story will help someone ..There is a time to mourn and u have that entitlement..You’re special and you’re amazing ..Taking your life is not a option every ..lived ur life to the fullest and don’t give up even if you see no light ..Just stand ground and hold your Faith and dream big ..

        • Amy F says:

          I’m glad you’re seeing a doctor. Psychiatrists are better than GPs at prescribing psychotropic drugs for issues like complex grief and depression, because they deal with a larger number of cases and have specific training in this area. Often times two medications can work synergistically to attack depression in ways one medication can’t. If you aren’t feeling relief on one medication it’s the wrong medication for you. Of course, a medication won’t take away your pain and grief, but it will make things feel more manageable. I’ve known people who have found a lot of comfort and new friends after the loss of a spouse in grief support groups. Please ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist.

          • Dario says:

            I’m also seeing a psychologist weekly and forcing myself to do activities to distract me; but when the night comes,and she’s not by my side that’s when things get terribly heart renching I’ll look into a support group maybe that will help thank you for the advise.

            • Rach says:

              Dario,I am feeling the same as you,or a lot like it,I lost my Daughter who was 19 two days before CHRISTMAS2014,I had to give up my two yr.old Grandson4months later,havent got to see him since and don’t think I ever will again,I to think death for me would be the very best gift I could receive this Christmas,there is not much sense in continuing,I just wanted you to I ow that you are not alone

              [Last name removed by moderator. To protect yourself against possible spammers, please do not use last names on this blog. Thanks!]

        • Rach says:

          Are you there?

          [Last name removed by moderator. To protect yourself against possible spammers, please do not use last names on this blog. Thanks!]

      • Richard says:

        I agree. I am just waiting to die.

        • Irene says:

          Hi Richard,

          I hope you’ll re-read the message from Amy F. above:

          “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Depression is a treatable medical illness. Please talk to your doctor. I know things feel,hopeless, but that’s the depression talking. Depression skews reality and makes things seem bleak because chemicals in your brain are working against, not for you.”

          Best wishes, Irene

          • Susan says:

            I don’t think that Richard wants to be a medicated zombie for the rest of his life. Like Richard, I am isolated and waiting to die.
            The doctors are a WASTE OF TIME. My family’s doctors speeded up the dying process for my family. All 3 of them died within 3 months of each other. My younger sister was my BEST FRIEND, now I have nobody. My mother’s dysfunctional family treat me like the plague or black death.à

            • Irene says:

              When people are depressed, they often see things in black and white. Taking medication for depression doesn’t mean you have to be “medicated zombie” not are all doctors a “waste of time.” I’m so sorry you are feeling so badly.

              if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about giving up, contact a suicide hotline immediately.

              A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.

              In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 116 123.

            • Kris says:

              This is sort of my situation as well.My mom died last year, and her brother his wife and kids have contacted/seen us exactly once during that time.They live about a 15 min drive away.I overdosed and was on a ventilator in a near coma two days after she died, but they couldn’t even come to the hospital to see me. I don’t understand how my caring, giving, amazing mom could ever have such a heartless brother.He has NO heart at all.

    • Mike says:

      Iam sorry for your loss ,the last breath here is the first breath with God.your loved one hurts no more.you will meet again some sunny day ,now you must fight everyday to show the world the Angeles and all those who went before you you will not bow down this the world it is not your God, you are a man and as long as you draw breath show them all you will not be denied ,you will not be beaten ,reach down deep in side bring forth the power you have just as when you were young its still there it never left you forgot it its still there awaken ,embrace, yourgift live,in any way you will make a difference,your life is yours shine on you will ,while you have a voice tell the world speak we want your words you may just help someone.i give you my words my prayers, my power,from one human to all who hear these words from my heart I give them freely shine on.

      • Dario says:

        I am fighting, its not easy,this is the first time in my life that I’m living alone, and I’m having extreme trouble coping with this,I miss her so much, I know she’s not in pain anymore. I was her caretaker as well,there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her, she was my world, my soul mate kindred spirit, she was a speacial lady,now I’m just trying to live my life one day at a time waiting to die and its lonely without her by my side. I long to be released from this body of mine so I can and be with her; I just hope that one day God will reunite us.

        • Mike says:

          Dario,it is hard to adjust to living alone,however God will never give you something you can’t handle he has a plan for you he knows the whole picture of your life from beginning to the end he sees the whole parade of life as we see from the side a little bit at a time,trust and believe ask him to remove your greif he is listening all the time,just one day at a time,I have been through it also,and it will get better, you are loved and never alone just give your self a chance, good tidings, and best wishes to you.peace

        • jennifer says:

          Hi Dario, I am sorry for your terrible loss. I lost my husband two years ago. He was only 46. I still miss his terribly. he was everything to me. I feel despair everyday. I keep saying to my self just get through this minute this day. I really try to keep myself busy even though my soul is in a clamp and feels like its suffocating at times. i feel i am only half here. I also think of him as my soulmate and hope and pray with all my heart we will be together again. I use to be afraid of death because I never wanted to be separated from him but now that he is gone I am no longer afraid to die. but I know I have life still left to live on this stupid earth so I will try and make him proud and do things that make me happy. I am still struggling everyday though. I felt so alone in all this because everyone around me still have their spouse and don’t understand my anguish. thank you for sharing your words. I don’t feel so alone but I wish we didn’t have too.

          • Dario says:

            It’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your reply, I really do appreciate it. It will be one year this may 22 that she passed away and nothing has really changed still doing things with a few friends but know one really understands what were going thru
            Life is very hard without her still very depressed and very lonely
            I’m seeing a social worker,psychiatrist,and belong to a bereavement group taking my meds but its not helping much all I want is to be with her I want her back but I know she’s not coming back I miss her terribly

            • Denise says:

              Dario: Thank you for your reply. Grief is very difficult so be sure to take care of yourself. That is the most important thing. Take advantage of every support mechanism out there. I went to Griefshare and a couple of other support groups and some individual counseling. It may not seem like it is helping at the time because nothing is instant but over time it helps. Read books about grief and how others coped losing their mates. I know it is very difficult and we all handle grief differently. I can really relate to the yearning that you are experiencing right now. Everything is still so fresh for you. It has been 7 years since I lost my soulmate and believe me I didn’t think I could cope. He helped me out with things. I have fibromyalgia and frozen shoulders now (almost healed) and some other neurological problems have developed which I though was MS but not sure. I work 25 hours a week. As hard as it is to do that I believe it is the best for me because isolation makes it even harder. Just keep reaching out. If you can volunteer or try to join a group (when you are ready). I know it is hard to hear and I don’t want to give concrete pat answers because there are none but I am 7 years into this and I just want to tell you it does get better but not perfect just more bearable. We never know our future and what we can build. Each decision we make today will ultimately affect our future. I know I can never find another one like him but God may have other plans. We can never replace anyone or anything and the future will be different, a new normal. I missed him at nights too because he would always call me at 7:00 pm but now I have become more accepting. There are 5 stages of grief, depression, anger, bargaining, denial and acceptance. They are not necessarily in that order and appear very jumbled at first and you can go in and out of each stage at any given time. It just takes a long time and everybody is different. I have adjusted now and I do enjoy being alone again but it does get lonely. If God ever brings someone into my life again that would be great but I just accept where I am at now. I had a set back with that work situation because it is a new job but I have to go on. I know you can make it and I will pray for you. Just hang on. This life is just a breath. It is temporary. Try to focus on the unseen. The life ahead with the Lord. I know it sounds so far off and may be not even seem real sometimes but it is something to look forward to and if you believe it will happen. I hope this helps and you slowly begin to feel better.


            • Denise says:

              You are not alone. Just reach out when it gets tough. I am sorry for your loss. I wanted him back so much in the beginning so I understand the yearning. It is very, very difficult. Grief is unbearable at times. It does get a little more bearable within time but takes a while. Hang in there if you can. Find something to take a way a little of the pain. I have a cat, although I lost my favorite cat last year to an illness. Also, my soulmates’ parents died and his daughter all within the last several years (multiple deaths and a signal that that part of my life is over for good). God brings another chapter into people’s lives and different seasons for a reason. It is painful but we do not know the future so we just have to hope for something later on when we are able to deal with change. Take care.



          • Dario says:

            Its encouraging to know I’m not alone thank you.
            it will be one year this may 22 when she passed away and nothing has changed. I’m still very depressed,I miss her terribly and want her back in my life.I do things all day but the evenings are heart renching not having her by side. I long to hear the sound of her voice again and her touch. I still cry every day. The people I know dont seem to understand what were going thru but I’m doing my best to learn again on how to live my life without her.
            one day at a time, we were very close that could be the reason I’m hurting so much,maybe I loved her to much. Wish you the best.

            • Denise says:

              I believe we hurt in proportion to how much love we gave and how much love we received. Just take it day by day. Some days will be very hard but all I can offer at this time is there is hope. What you do today will help you in your tomorrows. If all you can do is grieve just do one thing for yourself which is positive. Just keep learning and doing as much as you are able and think of it as adding to your spiritual bank. The more positive you add the better you will become in the future. You will have setbacks but just try to do something for yourself each day. It takes a while but it is possible. So many people overcome so I know we can. You never know the future, it can always be comparable or better but if it is worse we have allowed it. Hang in there.

          • Dario says:

            yes I’m drowning in sorrow my biggest fear in life was loosing her and like you I’m no longer afraid of death I long to hear the sound of her voice and touch and miss her terribly.I hope and pray that when its my turn to leave this stupid world we would be re-united and that we can be together forever. I wish to thank you for your comment.and wish you all the best.

    • Denise Edwards says:

      Dario: I can relate to what you say. My sweetheart died 7 years ago and it is so empty without him. I have tried to rebuild my life several times and it just doesn’t work out for long. I make friends then it is okay for a while then people move on or my job ends and then I have to start again. I am 57 years old. I am a born again Christian (many years) but lately I am starting to doubt again because I am so depressed. I am disabled too, however, no one knows because I suffer from invisible disorders however I think I have good commonsense and I am pretty smart. I want to take my life sometimes too, particularly right now because someone at my new job (2 months) reported me to my supervisor for something that was petty and wasn’t really my fault (long story). Now I want to give up. I tried so hard to be perfect and do everything right and be well-liked and it only takes one person (trouble maker to ruin it). I hope it is true too but I was such a strong Christian and very into the end-times and knew all the prophecies (still do) but I am tired of waiting. I knew Trump wasn’t the man to bring these things to pass. He hasn’t moved the embassy and probably won’t and all he cares about is fixing the unfixable (healthcare). The US is in severe debt by trillions so how can anything work or be better? There are so many stupid gullible people around election time that believe stupidity. Well, I hope things get better. How old are you? Just curious. I am 57 years. What state do you live in?

      • Dario says:

        Denise I’m 52 and live in NJ, I know what its like to have your job ruined by one person over something very petty, been their done that. To quote the REM song I’m losing my religion, I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t vote last year, didn’t like Trump or Clinton. Too me politicians tell the people what they want to here, then when they get into office they do a flip flop, they don’t do what they promise, the reason why is a long story. I still miss her terribly my biggest fear in life was losing her and now that she’s gone I have no more fear, I’m seeing a social worker a psychiatrist and take meds even going to a bereavement group, but it doesn’t help much, I still cry ever day sometimes it becomes so painful that I feel like taking my life, but then I realize that’s not what she would want and also I would hurt the few people that I do know and the only family I have left, my sister.so please don’t take your life I’ll get mad at you and you’ll make me cry! I’m Still very depressed its very very hard trying to live my life without her I do things all day long to distract myself; I force myself but when the nights come its so hard not having her by my side. I miss the sound of her voice, and long for her touch, she was a sweet and silly woman who liked to talk we had fun conversation, when I die and I hope its soon I hope we’ll be together again. Hey you survived 7 years without your husband that’s great, it shows that you want to experience more of life. As for me I still have mixed feelings about my life and much doubt about almost everything that’s important in life I feel like I’ve been lied too my whole life and that now I’m starting to wake up, and its very depressing not having her to talk too anymore. Well any way you keep in touch and take care

  12. Meg says:

    I can relate to so many of the comments. I believe that ageism is very strong toward older women. I’m single and have been for five years. I never dreamed I would be single this long. I have been lonely for a romantic partner bit have become comfortable with myself. I have gone on road trips and camping alone and I love it. I am so much more independent than I was before. Still, I long for romance. I don’t tell people about it anymore because I get no encouragement and snide remarks. I have two grown children and grandchildren; I see my daughter and granddaughter about once a month and look forward to our visits.
    I love going out dancing or to hear live music but I have been put down and treated like dirt by men and women in these social settings. Men my age are ALL paired up with women 15 or 20 years younger and I am given dirty looks. It is sad that older, single women are picked on the most. Older, single men are living it up with younger women. Well, I have decided that I am going to go out if I want and have fun!!! That is like slapping them right back. I refuse to give up my happiness because of bully’s.

    • Mike says:

      That’s right you go girl,the men going out with younger women ain’t all it appears to be all fun that’s just what the evil one wants you to think ,as soon as their out if your sight ,they are fight ing and arguing ,all you see is ment to make you feel bad ,I got news for you, be happy that you are being tested,because just when you think its the end Avery special some one is going through, the same thing and soon you will be united you will have found each other and it will be right and good,your sorrow hasent gone unnoticed, soon very soon he will enter your life ,its new don’t repeat the mistakes of the past ,its up to you be strong

    • Rach says:

      You go Girl,I use to have that kind of spunk,if I ever get out of this depression….well idk,but I admire your spunk!

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