• Resolving Problems

I logged on to my friend’s Facebook page—now what?

Published: June 27, 2013 | Last Updated: June 27, 2013 By | 15 Replies Continue Reading
Is there any going back after logging on to a friend’s Facebook page and seeing something you shouldn’t have?

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

My friendship is almost ruined and you’re the only one I could ask for help. I have my friend’s Facebook password so I was curious last night and logged in on her page (my mistake). I read a conversation with another of my friends. They were talking about me, how none of them trusts me anymore, and how I always act like I’m superior to them and how they can’t stand me anymore.

Things weren’t going right those days between us, but reading that conversation made me feel like the worst crap on earth. It really hurt me, a lot.

I don’t know what to do now. They were always my best friends but reading those things made me rethink that. What can I do? I obviously can’t tell her I logged in on her Facebook page but I don’t want to save all that for myself. I really hope you can help me but I’m really afraid that my friendship might be over.

Signed, Lulu

ANSWER

Dear Lulu,

Ouch! I’m so sorry this happened to you. There is really no way to undo the damage you have done. If your friend already had problems trusting you, she will be very upset with this breech of trust, even if reading what you did was accidental.

It was wrong to log on to someone else’s account without permission, and you wound up paying for that mistake by reading what your friends said about you, unfiltered. Bear in mind that no one thought you would be reading these comments and, sometimes, words and feelings come across more harshly online than they are intended. Since your friend doesn’t know that you saw her remarks, just continue to behave as if this didn’t happen.

You say you already had a sense that things were rocky in your relationship with your friend so you have two choices:

1) Try to improve the friendship by being a better friend, or

2) Distance yourself from this friend and concentrate on other friendships.

It was good judgment to write to me anonymously rather than to share this transgression with your friend. I can’t imagine her being anything but furious at your actions and embarrassed that she got caught talking about you like that.

Your experience offers two important lessons for others:

  • Never share your Facebook password with anyone or give someone else the key to your diary.
  • Never put anything online that you wouldn’t want read by someone else. 

Unfortunately, there’s no going back for you; you can only go forward. Hope this helps!

Best, Irene

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Category: Secrets & lies

Comments (15)

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  1. harebell23 says:

    I think it’s a bit harsh having a go at this lady, considering she came here for help. Be kind. I imagine she’s PAINFULLY aware of her inappropriate actions and will be punishing herself far more than any of you could.

    LULU I too don’t think you should tell anyone what you did because it’s not about them it’s about you. Cringe-worthy and shameful as you may feel, It could be considered a blessing in disguise, I mean this is honesty pure and simple the kind of honesty you probably wouldn’t have got had you actually asked them. They may have been bitchy, that’s for you to decide but if they are saying things that are valid, what a good opportunity for you to learn about yourself and others to a certain extent. If you can take time to have a good look at yourself, be brutally honest with yourself; really think about who you are; you could start with asking yourself what was your motivation for even doing that? Nosiness? insecurity? trying to learn something about her? What? I think you could be surprised at the answer – IF you’re honest. Listen to yourself when you’re with other people, observe your own behaviour, learn to read signals, body language you will benefit from it I promise – maybe it’s time for some personal growth. Find an appropriate self-help book for guidance because getting to know who you are isn’t always easy -but is definitely do-able and you gain insight and wisdom. I always firmly believe that out of every negative there is a positive, if you choose to see it. I also think the bigger the negative the bigger the positive, well that’s been my experience.

    Obviously you will have to live with your actions but you’ll get over it. I think you should forgive yourself, be kind to yourself and by that I do not mean wallow in self-pity, I mean tell yourself -Lulu, that was stupid and underhand and I certainly won’t do it again. Your friends may notice the difference, it may even enrich relationships. The bottom line is it’s all down to you. We can’t control anything but ourselves and our choices and our reactions to people and situations around us. good luck.

  2. anon says:

    Logging onto a friend’s Facebook and reading her private messages is just plain wrong. That’s like going through a friend’s phone, purse, laptop or anything personal when she’s not around. Curious or not, talk about invading privacy!

    Friends do talk about each other at times. Unless it’s something you can’t forgive and forget, I’d stay friends.

  3. Cheery says:

    This happened to me I told them what I read and it ended four friendships of ten years. I’m a crap friend and will learn from my deceit but it still hurts they could not find it in their hearts to forgive me,

    • anonymous says:

      don’t put this on them “they could not find it their hearts to forgive me” i’d steer away from people like you at all times.

  4. Sally says:

    Lulu!

    Firstly you had absolutely NO right to log into anyone else’s Facebook or any other accounts they have, by doing this you well and truly disrespected your friend’s rights to privacy so that in itself make YOU a bad friend but in saying that they were also bad friends for saying those things behind your back so they’re not innocent either.

    Secondly for these friends to say that can no longer trust you should really be a wake up call for you, people normally don’t lose trust in their friend without a good reason perhaps you’ve said or done something else in the past for them to compromise their trust in you?

    Thirdly I don’t see how you could move forward with these friends at all not only because you did the wrong thing by logging into your friend’s Facebook but also because of what you’ve read, you need to ask yourself this question “Do I really want to be friend with people who say they can’t stand me or can’t trust me?”

  5. Marisa says:

    You have proven their doubts about you. This is all on you, not them. I also doubt your friend gave you her facebook password, more like she logged on and forgot to log out or your computer saved her password. When you learn to respect friends they will respect you. Clearly, you have zero respect for boundaries and privacy.

    • Michelle says:

      You are so right, Marisa. OMG just reading the OP’s question made me furious. Irene, if what you read made you feel like a total crap, I would usually say something positive to uplift someone, but in your case, I think you should look into yourself. Maybe you are the crap your friends think you are? You have proven that you are not worth their trust and you deserve to have no friends.

  6. Marisa says:

    You have proven their doubts about you. This is all on you, not them. I also doubt your friend gave you her facebook password, more like she logged on and forgot to log out or your computer saved her passw

  7. Aisling says:

    Don’t confess!!! Stay a step ahead of the game and be happy that you know and learn from it. Be open to the constructive feedback that you’ve read and don’t log in again. Distance yourself and be extra nice to get when you do see her. But by confessing your giving her a reason to thinking badly of you

  8. jacqueline says:

    I would tell your friend that you don’t feel comfortable having her password, as you logged into her account and read things you shouldn’t have. If you don’t confess, chances are you will keep logging on to see what else is said about you. You were not being a true friend either by doing so.

  9. Amy says:

    To quote Irene, “ouch.” But it sounds like this painful reality smack is deserved, as you were acting in manner that shows they’re right to distrust you. You can use this knowledge as a gift to change and better yourself in future relationships.
    I don’t think there’s a way for you to move forward with these friends without coming clean, apologizing, and taking the change they’ll forgive you and move forward. If you don’t come clean, the lie of omission will always be between you and in a a way, you’ll continue to be distrustful by omission. You have to risk losing them to improve your relationship.
    It’s time to take a good look at yourself and examine your honesty in your friendships. Be brutally honest. I’m certain this comes from insecurity, not that there’s a flaw in your character. Consider talking to a therapist to learn to be trusting of yourself so that you can become a more trustful person.
    This can be an opportunity to improve your life, through the pain. Good luck!

  10. Aisling says:

    I’m sure all my friends talk about me!! But I once heard a quote saying “what people say about you is none of your business!” People say things and don’t mean them. I’ve said things too about my best friends and closest friends and I know if they read it I would regret saying it in first place. I know my friends talk about me at times but its normal. As long as I don’t find out about it. But in your case you found out by being deceiptful. I would honestly let it go and remember that they don’t really mean it. You know what girls are like xx

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