Having trouble making friends after a move
Life changes such as a move can often be disruptive of friendships.
QUESTION
Hi,
I am so happy I found this blog. I have become a very lonely person over the past two years. I moved from a city to a suburb, divorced, have a new partner, and become poor.
I live in one of wealthiest suburbs of the U.S. and I am newly poor, 35 miles north of the social network I once relied upon. I try to keep up with old friends but I honestly cannot afford to. We have such different lifestyles now. I have tried to find ways to meet new friends without clubs or parties or dinners but I’m kind of an introvert anyway so with out that I am hopeless.
I have noticed lately that I have a difficult time communicating with others because of my isolation I believe. I don’t really know where to begin to, well, dog myself out of what seems like a pit of isolation and loneliness. I need to really rise to this occasion of this town I live in now but I am afraid I am emotionally and possibly mentally unable to do so.
I also have chronic kidney stones which keeps me isolated at unpredictable times throughout the year- also the issue of painkillers, which I don’t get addicted to but have to manage the process of getting on and off them.
I think I’m looking for a starting point for making friends and being part of a neighborhood.
Best, Betty
ANSWER
Hi Betty,
I’m glad you found the blog and hope we can help you find new resources to enhance your social experiences. I can empathize with your situation.
I know how hard it can be when your friends have more disposable income and that limits your ability to socialize.
I recommend trying to stay close with some of your old friends by suggesting inexpensive activities. Colleges often have free or low cost lectures, exhibits, concerts and theatre. Sometimes museums have Sunday mornings free or pay what you can once a month on a specific day. Have a potluck dinner party to defray costs. Making new friends is great, but older friends share an irreplaceable history that would be a shame to lose.
Unfortunately, isolation begets isolation. I also have a chronic illness and sometimes have to force myself to be social when I’m having a flare up or when I’ve gotten into an entertaining-myself rut. I’m fortunate that my local library has a monthly book club and weekly game night.
If you’re in a cold climate, the good news is that spring is approaching. Try having a yard sale on a nice Saturday and have baked goods and coffee available to share with any neighbors who come by (for free). This could be a great way to meet folks who love near you. Most friendships start off as acquaintances and grow from there. Exchange phone numbers with people you meet.
While exercise might be difficult due to your condition, you might be able to do some walking through the neighborhood, or see if other neighbors already walk. I met some neighbors who turned into good friends last year. These women are not typically people whom I would have chosen to befriend, but the convenience of them being so nearby allowed me to step outside the box, stretch myself emotionally, and grow in ways I would not have in the past. I’ve learned that certain friends can fulfill different emotional roles in my life, and I don’t only need people who I can check all the boxes of compatibility.
I hope you start feeling consistently better and can meet some new folks, while keeping in touch with your old friends.
Amy Feld*
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
**No information provided here or elsewhere on this blog is intended as medical advice. The blog focuses on everyday friendship problems.
Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS, Moving and friendship
Hy Betty yes I know what you mean I moved about 5 miles up road and not much luck since landed here either ,but yes kidney stones are bad you do need to stay on medcation for that its wise to well write back nice to hear from you as I don’t have any friends either thanks sharon
Hi
I’ve just recently moved about 5 months ago to pittsburgh all the way from Canada. I attended school for the last 3 months and I have found myself with one friend.Her and I are like two peas in a pod when we are together but whenever we have plans she always seems to make up excuses why she cannot attend. The people here are so much more different from where I used to live. I used to be the popular girl of my school but not because I was nasty and rude to everyone but because I was nice and a good friend and I was there for all my friends. I miss them all so much and I hate my new school. I’m going back to school here in about 2 weeks and I’m so nervous I have no friends at all my birth day is coming up and there is no one for me to celebrate it with except for my mom my step dad and my cat
I highly recommend gardening for making friends in a new neighborhood! I have met a lot of people while working in my yard. People walking by stop to compliment the garden beds or ask what I am doing. I trade plants and tips with neighbors. I guess if you are in a really rich suburb where people hire landscapers this may not work, but it’s been great in my working class neighborhood.
I could have written this myself. I moved two years ago as well and have had difficulty making friends. I have always had difficulty as well, probably because I am an identical twin, we do not get along, we are estranged. We use to be close. She recently took my husband and I off facebook. I don’t know why it bothers me but it does.
I also feel unable to make friends socially, I don’t have the mental capacity for it right now and that there is something wrong with me, I don’t know how to communicate with people.
I had a very critical upbringing. I read the book “mean mothers’, I can relate but it is confusing because she could be nice and warm and loving, but turn it off just as quick.
I was bullied a lot in elementary school but back in the early 80’s that was something kids just did. So, nothing was done and I couldn’t complain to parents because that was just what I had to go through because kids were just kids. I often felt lonely and unhappy starting at age 10. I now, suffer from anxiety and a bit of depression. I do not share these things with my twin. I walk around hard, but cry privately. Sometimes, I feel I am not a good mother to my kids but I would do anything for them.
It is hard to find support when no one deals directly with twinship relationships.
My advice to you if I may, is to try to join a group where you share a special interest, hobby etc. Perhaps, it could help to see some counselling and work on yourself. For me, I have a hard time getting out, partially because my husband works all the time and I have no family support. My dad is dead and my mother lives overseas. It is just my husband and myself. So, to find a job, would be hard with his work schedule and I don’t have any experience or a lot of work history or a career, so to find a 9 to 5 job during the kids school hours would be impossible. So, I have started to do art work on my own. While my son is in school, my daughter sleeps or I do it with my daughter. I bought a sketch book, canvas, acrylics, sharpies. Right now, I do a lot of sharpie art on my own or with my daughter. It keeps me from thinking. If I need to move, I get up to clean and keep busy by thinking of major cleaning projects and organizing what needs to be organized. I feel good in the moment and then I start to get sad again an hour later, so i go to my sketch book. I have tried to avoid facebook recently and try to not go on it for a day, it makes me feel bad.
I try to listen to music and dance with my daughter. Sadness eventually still creeps in, but then I think of another activity. I am in the process of looking for a counsellor, but I want a counsellor that is a twin or understands through extensive study estranged twins. I am having a bit of an identity crisis and I feel I am too old for this and yet it is just beginning.
Good luck, I hope it helps a bit. But day by day, give yourself a goal, find a connection over the internet, whether you find support groups that are all online. Even right now, me responding to this post is therapeutic, I do not feel so alone. I know other go through this as well.
Good luck.
Tanja