• Resolving Problems

Three’s Company? My male roommate brought someone else into our home

April 23, 2015 | By | 19 Replies Continue Reading
A woman is upset when her male roommate (also her best friend) brings another woman into their home.

QUESTION

Hi Friendship Doctor,

I am a woman with a male roommate who is also my best friend. The two of us have been having a problem with our mutual friend, who is his ex-girlfriend. She is 19-years-old (we are both mid-twenties) and she has the emotional maturity of your typical 14-year-old girl.

A little backstory on how she came into our lives: H (immature girl) met J (best friend) at a bar, and they came back and hooked up at the house J and me live at. Within twelve hours, she informed me that they were now boyfriend and girlfriend, which I find very odd behavior for two adults to move so quickly into an official relationship.

Because she has very little idea about how being an adult works, H decides that it is perfectly acceptable to move into my house (unofficially, but she did not leave once in eight weeks). After these eight weeks, J decides that he cannot handle her constant presence or the financial burden of taking care of her, as she refuses to work and they break up.

H however, refuses to let go of the relationship. She is constantly at our house, and confided in me that she got evicted so he “would have to take me in.” Never mind that this is MY home, and I do not like her constantly being in it.

J has been very explicit telling her that if she chooses to come over and spend the night in his bed, it does not mean he has feelings for her nor does it mean he will exclusively sleep with her.

Her behaviour since the breakup has been a mix of trying to worm her way back into his life, and physically assaulting him and his partner should he bring another girl to the home. I cannot handle her whining baby-voice and passive aggressive tactics, and J and myself are very close to telling her to get out of our lives personally.

She can be a nice girl, but she needs to be a proper woman. How can we get her to move on and stop acting like a bratty toddler when she doesn’t get her way?

Signed, Filomena

ANSWER

Hi Filomena,

It has to be incredibly stressful to have someone whom you don’t like living in your home. While you seem to blame H for being there, your best friend, J, bears the brunt of responsibility for bringing her in and allowing her to stay.

Regardless of the nature of the relationship between H and J—romantic or friend with benefits—as your best friend and roommate, it is unfair of J to allow someone else to live in your home without your agreement.

You mention that he “refuses to let go of the relationship” with H. This suggests that either he is more content with that relationship than you think or he doesn’t have the courage to break up.

While his relationship with her isn’t your business, per se, it does affect you directly when he allows that person to live in your home. Best friends and roommates should be considerate of each other’s feelings. If you didn’t agree to and cannot tolerate this living situation (which I don’t think you should), you need to let J know that unless he takes steps to get his friend to leave, you and he will need to make other living arrangements.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

If you were Filomena, what would you do?

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Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS

Comments (19)

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  1. Kris Hintz says:

    Rather than “Three’s Company” I would call this situation “Fatal Attraction.” It’s a slippery slope for an unstable girl like “H” to evolve from annoyingly clingy to dangerous stalker. And your pal “J” is putting himself and you in danger by not having the assertiveness to set up some realistic boundaries. It is very important that you sit him down and explain this to him; if he doesn’t seem to get it, I believe it would be advisable to move out. This is certainly not what you signed up for when you originally made this living arrangement, and situations like this have a way of deteriorating. I could easily see this chick seeing you as some kind of threat to their “relationship” and you becoming collateral damage. Weird things happen all the time—sounds like you need to be proactive in protecting yourself and your property.

  2. Susan M. says:

    You don’t make it clear as to whether you actually own this house. If you do own it, I think you should ask the whole lot of these peeps to move out and stay out. In a nice, yet very firm way. If you don’t own it, I think you should move out and start over. Also, seriously re-evaluate your friendship with the man whom you say is your best friend. Roommate situations are challenging at any age.

  3. Maddie says:

    Your best friend is a big creep. What’s a grown man in his mid-20s doing with a 19 year old? Especially an immature one.

    The problem is him not her. Advise him this is not what you signed up for and that your share of the rent and utilities needs to be reduced by 25 percent. Before you take roommates the stay over rules need to be discussed. Is she on the lease?

  4. Dionne says:

    In other words, your mid-twenties male roommate/best friend is taking advantage of this nineteen year old girl who, as you say, “has very little idea how being an adult works,” and acting like he and you are on the same side in your sentiments?

    Having been young and naïve yourself at one time, I assume, do you really think all this would be going on if he wasn’t leading her on for easy sex? Come on, now.

    • Dionne says:

      Within twelve hours of hooking up with him, sh announced that they were a couple.

      Even now, she comes by and starts arguments with him when she finds out he was with another woman.

      Gee, I wonder wherever she got that crazy idea that he is her boyfriend? LOL.

      I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind. (1)Do YOU have a crush on him? and (2) Does he pay half the rent?

      Reading between the lines here, my best guess is he’s conning both of you. 🙁

      • Laura says:

        Very insightful, Dionne! You nailed it!

        Additionally, 19 is very young, regardless of being a legal adult. Where are her parents? I have a daughter that will be 19 in a few months and you can be sure I’d have something to say about this!

        • Laura says:

          Actually, I’d probably be over there removing her!

          • Cyn says:

            Laura, agreed. She is mentally still a child and he is the supposed adult.

            • Laura says:

              Right, and that’s why I’d be in mama bear mode big time! What a sleeze bucket guy.

              • Cyn says:

                I have a 19 year old son myself and nieces, I get where you are coming from completely.

                • Laura says:

                  Men that go way younger like that and hit on teenage girls often do it because women their own age know they’re losers and want nothing to do with them. When I was 18 my BFF was dating a 28 year old guy and it was so similar. I’m not saying all wide age span relationships are like this because they’re not. You can’t control who you fall in love with but this is NOT love, it’s the guy getting free sex.

                  • Cyn says:

                    Absolutely correct, I have always been attracted to older men, I am in my fifties now and the older men are now on Medicare. lol

                    • Laura says:

                      I know, right. One of my besties is dating a 67 year old guy and it doesn’t even seem like that big a deal (We’re 52).

      • Cyn says:

        Plain and simple, he is playing games with the both of you. It seems like you (Filomena)have more feelings for him than you are leading us to believe. He is supposed to be the so called adult and should not have slept with her, he is also a man and lets one head control the other. If he does not want a relationship with her he needs to talk to her and tell her that he does not want a relationship with her physical or non physical. To say to her that she can share his bed but not think they are in a relationship is leading her on. This happens to all of us but with age comes the ability to cope and she is only 19. It is your home and as a woman need to talk to him and say to him that what he is doing is wrong, not to lead her on.

  5. Amy F says:

    Your house, your rules. You need to set boundaries. If you own the home, you can draw a line in the sand and ask him to leave, if he won’t comply. But, you stand to lose your friendship, so consider whether that’s a risk you’re willing to take. If you decide to allow her to move in, she pays her fair share. Before she moves back make a list of house rules and go over them with her. You might even want to put your friend/housemate on a lease, in addition to his girlfriend. You might think legal documents between friends isn’t necessary, but such documents are ways to protect that relationship.
    Would you feel differently if you liked her? Like Irene said, their relationship isn’t your business. What happens in your home is.

  6. Pat says:

    I agree wholeheartedly! Her roommate needs to sort this mess out and get that teenager out of the house. A person needs to feel comfortable and happy in their own home and it sounds like H needs to get her marching notice for that to happen. F probably needs to sit J down and spell it out; hopefully this will all work out, since they are such good friends, and it will not mar their friendship.

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