• Keeping Friends

The friends of her ex cut off contact after a breakup

Published: April 11, 2015 | Last Updated: April 14, 2015 By | 22 Replies Continue Reading
A woman feels terrible that the friends of her ex dropped her like a hot potato.


Hi Irene,

My ex dumped me and insulted me by text after a dating a year. I had become good friends with his friends and we used to double date. They cut me off and never talked to me again.

That hurt so much more. I really thought these people were my friends. I’m not even the one who lied and cheated.

Signed, Shira


Hi Shira,

After a breakup–whether it’s one between friends or lovers–it’s not unusual for friends of the twosome to take sides. Sometimes these decisions are based on the length of their relationship with one person or the other; or they may simply feel closer to one person for other reasons.

It sounds like these people were initially friends of your ex and felt some loyalty to him after the breakup. Although it’s disappointing, given how badly your ex handled the breakup, it’s probably a blessing that you’ll be able to make a clean break from both him and his friends.

Even if your ex leaned on these people to cut off contact with you, they ultimately made their own decisions. At this point, your only option is to move on. Try to learn from this experience, so your next boyfriend is someone who treats you with more respect.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

Tags: , , , , ,


Comments (22)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. LPickers says:

    It’s unfortunate but I think its normal for friends to continue to see the person they have known the longest when a couple split up, regardless of how that break-up happened.

    I have been on the other side of this situation and had friends who wanted to keep in touch with an ex, when I’d finished the relationship. I felt really hurt that they wanted to continue hanging around with him, as I did not want to see him again. I basically found myself in a situation where I was almost pushed out of the friendship group because I could not see them when he was invited to an event. He had a lot of his own friends, and yet here he was hanging around with mine, and I’d be the one alone at home!

    In the end I had to have a word them, and explain that they had to take sides. I told him to back off and go out with his own mates!
    Sounds harsh, but I think that’s more normal.

  2. Shira says:

    Cyn- What sort of people laugh at someone who gets cheated on and dumped by text? That’s psychotic

  3. Shira says:

    If this is the case, then why do I read the complete opposite on other sites? My older cousin had a similar experience in his friendship group. But he didn’t side with the cheater!!!

  4. Shira says:

    I would really love to give them a piece of my mind. What do you expect, if you do this to people?

  5. Shira says:

    So why does friendship longevity always trump having a conscience? I don’t know how my ex has any friends really.

  6. Susan M. says:

    This is not logical. However, it IS painful! We have all been there.

  7. Maddie says:

    This is common with divorce and break ups. It’s not a reflection on you. These were situational friends all along, his set of friends he introduced you to while dating.

    You are well rid of the creep.

  8. LaTrice says:

    It’s an unfortunate situation to lose not only your ex-boyfriend, but his friends in the process. Friends can be loyal to where they have to pick and choose a side, and it was something that could have been more honest. It seems that you were considered to be an outsider, so they feel that they’re NOT obligated to be your friend-which to me is extremely harsh.

    You deserve to have a boyfriend who treats you with respect, and it’s NOT like you can’t find better friends.

  9. Vee says:

    I wouldn’t take it personally either. It’s common after a breakup for people to leave with the friends they brought into a relationship. The friends often are closer or more loyal with one half of the couple. I broke up with my boyfriend over two months ago. None of my friends have had any contact with him since the breakup. My boyfriend didn’t have any friends (one of the reasons why I ended the relationships, since I was his only confidant and I felt drained and suffocated), so I didn’t lose anything. Even if he did have friends, it wouldn’t have bothered me if they had cut off contact with me. I’ve never maintained contact with an ex’s friends after past breakups. It may help to expand your social circle so that a similar situation doesn’t hurt so much in the future.

  10. Cyn says:

    I know this may seem harsh but you were the girlfriend for a year. It is more than likely that he has been close with these friends since College or High School and you were pretty much seen as the outsider. When we meet people the friends can be a bonus but many times there is a code of silence when it comes to relationships and friendships, they might have put up with you because of your ex but once the relationship ended, I am almost sure those friends ripped you to shreds. If he cheated on you and was the cruel to you, good riddance to him! It is hard, I understand but it takes a stronger women to move forward and heal than it is to dwell and question your worth based on pseudo relationships with people who really never were your friends in the first place.

    • Cyn says:

      stronger woman to move forward.

    • Vee says:

      Very valid point. Some of my friends didn’t really care for my ex, but they never said anything to me about why they disliked him while I was dating him out of respect for my feelings. Once we were history, the truth came out. They were never friends of his, they just tolerated him because of me. Needless to say we’re all happy now that I’m unattached.

      • Cyn says:

        I never really liked my husbands choices of friends, they were all divorced men who wanted him to party with them and their girlfriends while I sat home with a newborn, I had enough and I walked out. He was not the type of man who could say no I have responsibilities. Our son is Autistic and 18, he is the best father and ex to the both of us. I would never marry him again but he has grown up, matured and got rid of those influences that were dragging him down.

    • Shira says:

      What sort of people laugh at someone who got cheated on and dumped by text?!

  11. Amy F says:

    I’m sorry you lost not just your boyfriend, but also his friends. After breakups, friends sometimes feel like they must choose due to loyalty to one part of a couple. They were his first, yours for only a year. I wouldn’t take this personally. It’s too bad these people couldn’t have just been honest and said they weren’t comfortable continuing the friendship because of the breakup. It would have still hurt, but at least you’d have some closure.
    For me, I’ve never cared enough about a friend’s partner to remain friends after their romance ended. I did manage to stay friends with a couple who divorced, but our relationships usually were me having lunch or shopping with one or the other, or going out as a threesome (minds out of the gutter, please). I think because we had individual relationship outside of them as a couple, it was easier.

  12. Dionne says:

    It’s the same even when a marriage of many years breaks up. Each person usually leaves with the friends they arrived with. It’s just the way it goes, nothing personal. At least if there’s a next time, you’ll know and expect it, so hopefully it won’t hurt your feelings as much. Sorry you lost your new pals along with your boyfriend.

Leave a Reply