My texting friendship seems to be off-track
What do you do when a texting friendship seems to be one-sided?
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have this friend and we never see each other in real life. We used to be really good friends and would text all the time and stuff.
Now I feel she gets annoyed at anything I say, she ignores me sometimes and writes statuses, which I know are about me. Sometimes she just replies with “k” which really annoys me and I know she’s in a mood with me.
What can I say to stop falling out with her? I was thinking about not talking to her for a couple of days but if I do she probably won’t talk anymore. We used to talk all day every day so I think she’s a bit fed up of me.
Signed, Mara
ANSWER
Hi Mara,
I can understand how hurt you must feel because you aren’t quite sure what has happened to your friendship. The change that has taken place might have to do with you— but it also might not. Your friend may be responding “k” because she is busy and has less time to text. Or maybe she has decided to spend more time with “real life” friends.
Have you asked her directly whether something is wrong or if you have upset her in any way?
Unless you can work out this misunderstanding, you may need to pull back from this texting friendship. Perhaps, it’s time for you to spend more time nurturing “real life” friendships of your own. It’s extraordinarily hard to maintain text-only friendships because they are so limiting.
Hope this helps.
My best, Irene
Category: one-sided friendships, RESOLVING PROBLEMS
I met a girl in my Sociology class. To be more accurate, she met me. (A little backgroud info first:) I am a unique person (internally and externally) with strong opinions on social problems and am a budding advocate for a variety of disenfranchised populations. As a result, I often end up in friendships with people that turn out to be very damaged and make friendship stressful. I start out with great intentions, I am a Sociology major because of the challenges I have experienced within my own life: Stigma due to a long history of emotional problems, having been a victim of crime (more than once), a domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor, ex-heroin addict, homeless on and off for most of my life, ect. However, I am now 32 in a healthy long term relationship, emotionally stable and sober for some time now. So in school I try to help struggling students that I meet throughout my academic journey, to get hooked up with various social services such as Department of Rehabilitation and Disabled Students. With strong memories of rejection, I reach out to people that appear to be struggling or in pain. As mentioned above, this time someone that fit my previous pattern of friendships reached out to me as a result of my outspoken disposition and extensive knowledge of Social Problems. This girl was really nice at first, but then I started to notice very odd and destructive behavioral patterns. She had already disclosed to me that she carries an Axis I diagnosis of Bi-PolarI and is an active alcoholic at age 22. It started with her always misunderstanding my comments on Facebook or via text message. She always felt that I was saying something negative to her, chronic and constant misconstrual. She is always on the defesive even when it isn’t warranted. Then she started blurting things out in class to the teacher that weren’t true of me in order to make me look bad. Always on a day when I had told her I wasn’t feeling well (I struggle with a physical ailment.) Jealousy and resentment started popping up everywhere with her toward me! Mind you, I have only ever been supportive of her and cautious not to cross her boundaries. She chose to open up to me about her problems. From what I can gather, it seems that she is trying to self-sabotage our friendship now that I know extremely personal things about her life. There are so many other strange things going on between us, I’ve grown tired of navigating through what seem to be psychological games. I am starting to notice red flags that read: Danger! Here is the kicker: this is only week 6 of the Semester! We have 3 more months to go in class together and I fear that if I was to slowly remove myself from her, that she would retaliate and make an important class turn into a military war zone. What do I do? She always wants to “hang out” and when she gets drunk she flatters me incessantly. I know this is toxic, but could she be dangerous?
Hi Julia,
Sounds to me like you’re looking to get out of this relationship. The healthiest manner of breaking away from someone is to set clear boundaries using good communication and stick to the limits you’ve set. Her behavior in class, should it become unruly, is a reflect on her, not you.
Rather than just blaming her, looking at your own part in your dysfunctional will help you moving forward. Try to figure out clues that you missed that the friendship was unhealthy or if you ignored evidence that you should have backed away sooner. What did you do to contribute and how can you avoid that in the future? What, if anything, havr you done to escalate chaos? One person isn’t responsible for an unhealthy friendship, and one person can’t fix a friendship alone.
From what you’ve said, you seem to have fallen into a pattern where your role in friendship has become one more supportive than mutually equality over shared interest and affinity. I recommend thinking about what draws you to such relationships and what you get from those friendships. What draws you to the same types of people and is this satisfying and fulfilling?
I’m sure you’ve learned through your journey, the only person you can save or fix is yourself. Talking this over with a counselor might help you avoid similar situations in the future and gain some insight into your motivations.
Mara, try your own suggestion & stop texting & see what happens. If it has turned into a one sided friendship, you won’t have wasted more time. I know when I was much younger, all it took was a new boyfriend who didn’t want his gal having any unattached friends. Makes no sense, but it happened, happens. Good luck to you.