A teen asks: Why are friendships so fleeting?
The teen years are a time when young people are finding out who they are and figuring out whom to befriend
QUESTION
Hi,
My friend and I have been best friends for about three years. This past year we went into high school and we are making new friends and changing which may have strained our relationship.
We’re at a stage in our friendship where we know so much about one another that we have nothing else to say. But I feel like she judges me constantly and I can no longer be myself when we’re together, making me not want to be her friend anymore.
This has been building up for a while. I wanted to deny how bad things were getting but it’s reached a point where I can’t take if any more. We went from talking every night for hours to not even talking when we’re together. We’ve talked about what has been happening so many times but things never seem to change or go back to normal.
It used be me, my BFF, and two other girls in our group but when one of the other girls left, it ended up being just the three of us. I knew either my BFF or me would become closer to the other girl and it happened. I feel excluded whenever I’m around them because they are in their own world now. I don’t know what to do.
Do I move on and leave things without addressing the situation again? I feel like I don’t even want to be her best friend anymore because she has hurt me so much and I’m so tired of feeling the way I do around her. I feel like the friendship we have now is toxic. Please help me out!!
Signed, Angie
ANSWER
Dear Angie,
The middle school and high school years are times of growth and change so it’s not surprising that friendships that once seemed perfect wind up feeling completely wrong. If you have nothing to say to each other and you feel like your BFF has become your critical frenemy, your friendship has probably reached its expiration date.
It hurts when anyone is excluded from a small group of friends, but friendships change. Act nicely to your two friends but not overly friendly. You never know but things may change again and you may become friendly with one or both of them in a different grade.
Given you feelings about your once-BFF, try to connect with new people you like at school and outside of school, and new friendships will follow over time. Since you’ve tried working out this mess several times before without success, I think it’s time to drop it, not make an issue of it, and to move on.
I sure hope this is helpful.
My best,
Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about teen friendships
- Middle school frenemies: Why are girls so mean?
- Girl talk: Too much of a good thing?
- Can this teen friendship be saved?
Want to talk with others who are experience friendship problems and quandries? Visit the NEW Friendship Forums on this blog.
Category: OTHER ADVICE, Teen friendships
In this book I’m reading, Thirteen, it’s basically going through the same thing because Winnie (The main character) is fighting with Dinah (One of her best friends) because she’s changing while shes with her boyfriend Lars. Winnie & Lars went to a summer camp together and when Winnie came back Dinah was complaining that she was a completely different person. I think you should read the book (:
I’m going through a difficult situation right now and don’t know were toturn….2 years ago through Facebook I ran into a long time friend fromHigh School…I opened up to him more than I should have with my personalstruggles in my life and my marriage…our friendship continued togrow…always through text alone, there was no other forms of communicationbetween us….I relied heavily on his words…we had many what I thoughtwere heart felt conversations as well as many inappropriate conversations.Looking back I realize that a lot that was being said to me was being saidbecause that’s what I wanted to hear. I placed a lot of trust in thisperson and turn to him for everything that I was facing in life. As timewent on we decided it would fun to meet since we had see each other sincehigh school 19 yrs ago. Plans came and went with him always cancelling…Iwas always questioning my self if I was being nieve and he was just playinggames with me…well the time came and the trip was planned…I flew out tomeet him…I was full of anticipation and nervousness but always thatfeeling in the back of my head…should I be doing this? The initialmeeting was awesome and exciting…we had lunch and a couple of drinks andone thing lead to another…afterwards I just remember laying there juststaring at the lights dancing on the ceiling…he kept asking me why are uso quiet…I didn’t have a answer otherthan disbelief that we had finallymet…he took my quietness very negatively…the reminder of the time wewere there he treated me nice but like a friend…I knew this was allcoming to an end…the last day we just spent time talking and I shouldhave said me but I was at a point of disappointment when I just wanted togo home…I cried a little and said I’m gonna miss you…he gave me a hugand took me to the airport…I was completely hurt by the wholeexperience..I knew I would never see him again and things would not be thesame…I cried my whole flight home and even cried myself to sleep…I tookan extra day off work to try and deal with my emotions…mind you thiswhole time he is texting me like nothing is wrong but when I would askspecific question I would get no response…in my heart I knew I was initmore emotionally than physically and he was in it more physically thanemotionally… That next night I asked him to be ompletely honest withme..if he was wanting to be jsut friends…well the answer came back and asmuch as I wanted to read the text something inside said this is gonna hurtand sure enough…Yes- we should just be friends…at this point I knew Ihad been played and all those feelings in the back of my head wereright..how stupid I felt…what an idiot I am…its been 2 days since ourconversation and I that time I told him he broke my heart (again) and Ineeded some time…funny thing is I can tell now that he could care lessand I was a game to him…at this point…I’m so torn…I like ourconversations but I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t know if I can justcontinue to be friends…its very clear that the feeling were notmutual…how do I move forward at this point…do I just let it go and facedefeat or what? Do I try to forgive?