Spinning out of control: It’s painful to lose friends and disturbing to lose clients

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am 51 years old, married 28 years, with 3 grown kids. I work at a gym as a personal trainer/spinning instructor. I quickly became friends with a woman 10 years younger who moved here from another state. She is 40 years old, single, without any kids, and had been in a verbally abusive relationship with a guy.

Her enthusiasm and motivation for spinning and weight training were the same as mine and we began to really like each other’s company. She and I would grab a bite to eat for dinner one or two times a week after class, which both of us enjoyed. Since she likes to cook, many nights she would come over after a spin/yoga class and cook for my husband and I, and our son who is still in high school. She became a fast and furious friend and called herself my sister. People believed her because we kind of look alike!

Here is the fallout. I introduced her to a client who I personal train who is single, 57 years old (but looks 47). This person is energetic and has her own real estate business. She is witty, funny and very likeable, and knows many people in this town. My friend took a liking to her immediately and the three of us would go out for dinner after yoga/spin. That was OK with me, but as time went on I could see that my friend was becoming more interested in my client.

My friend loves to get all dressed up on weekends and parties at a very exclusive club in our town. She asked both of us to come one night. It was a total singles hang out! I was not interested in meeting men that were only looking for a one-night stand. I had a horrible time but my friend enjoyed all the attention she was getting from these men and started going with my client every weekend. (I usually do things anyway with my husband on the weekends).

Their friendship progressed to get-togethers that didn’t include me. My client basically took my friend away from me. The client was cancelling her sessions for training consistently, so I told her to just quit. Then she became angry with me for taking her off my schedule.

My friend and I have not spoken to one another in over a week. She used to text me 5-6 times a day so to go from this to no communication at all is weird. There is more to this story, but I just gave you the basics. I am very hurt as I write this. How can I start to accept who she is and move on from here? I have not tried to contact her. I just can’t right now and maybe never! Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully responding. I appreciate it.

Signed,
Monica

ANSWER

Dear Monica,

It’s painful to lose friends—and disturbing to lose clients. The two happened simultaneously for you. What was particularly hurtful was that both these relationships ended awkwardly without communication.

Your friend came to a new town and was skilled at making new friends. First, she bonded with you over your common interest in spinning/weight training. Then she got involved with your client, who in addition to sharing an interest in spinning was also interested in meeting men.

Let’s separate the two hurts: In terms of your friend, she was a bit opportunistic in ditching you when she found your client. Friends don’t own each other so you can’t really blame her for forming a friendship with someone to whom you introduced her. However, it wasn’t nice of her to simply dump and replace you. At this point, you need to evaluate how you feel about your friend. If you want to resurrect your friendship, you will need to discuss what happened.

In terms of your client, the realtor, she may have begun to feel uncomfortable in her sessions with you because she knew you were upset about her relationship with your friend. Cancelling sessions may have been an easy way for her to avoid you. When you simply took her off your schedule, without talking about it, you raised the stakes.

As uncomfortable as discussions like these may be, they could have averted the "fallout." Your workplace offers a perfect opportunity to meet women who share your interests but becoming friends with a client also carries risks. If you live in a small town and are concerned about your reputation, you may want to offer each client a free spinning session to let them know you would welcome working with them again professionally.

Hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

Tags: advice, breakup, client, communication, friend, friendship, friendship expert, hurt, loss, poach, poaching, reader Q & A, Spinning, the Friendship Doctor, women, work, workplace

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