Shy All My Life: Will It Just Go Away?

A young woman writes “I’ve been shy all my life.” She wonders whether those feelings will ever go away on their own.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My whole life, I have been painfully shy. Somehow, I managed to have quite a few friends in my really young life–preschool and kindergarten days. In first grade, my family and I moved to another town, and I was forced to start over. Entering a new class halfway through the school year definitely made the shyness that I seemed to be outgrowing stick around. But again, I still managed to form some pretty good friendships eventually.

As I grew older, though, my shyness got worse, not better. It prevented me from participating in any after-school activities, such as joining sports teams, and it made daily school assessments such as public speeches, a living nightmare.

Not only did my shyness affect my school life, but it began to affect my social life, too. I found it hard to connect with others in group activities and always remained quiet so as to blend in versus make myself known. By the time high school came around, everybody was in the phase of cliques and groups, and I realized I didn’t really fit into any of them. I was starting to grow apart from the few friends I had from middle and elementary school.

I know I failed to make those connections because I’m a naturally introverted person.

When I would be invited out on Friday and Saturday nights, I would make up excuses, because I truly preferred to be at home than go to these group get-togethers and parties. Whenever I’d be invited to parties, I’d get a sinking feeling in my chest because I hated the idea of being surrounded by so many people and having to be sociable.

I kept thinking the reason I didn’t want to go out was that I wasn’t really close with any of the people who hosted these parties, and I just needed to wait for the right group of friends to come along that I would enjoy spending time with.

However, I am now 18 and have just graduated high school a few weeks ago, and I am ashamed and disappointed to admit that nothing has changed.

Not only have I gone through my whole high school career without ever finding a group of friends I connected with, but I feel that I am at a standstill because the few people that I do talk to don’t do anything! They seem to be very centered around their family and/or church lives and just don’t have a desire to do much with any of their friends from high school.

This past year has been the worst one yet. The only people I spend time with are my parents, and I find that not being with people my own age is making me irritable and depressed. Now that it’s summer vacation, one might think that I’d be spending time with friends, but I have none. I literally do nothing throughout every single day.

A little more background about myself: Both my parents are shy and introverted. They, too, turn down invites to parties and prefer to be by themselves. My mom has very little social life too, and she says that she gets nervous and panicky in social situations, like me. I am also an only child, so I have never had a constant companion growing up and have always been alone, which I also think might explain why I would sometimes prefer to turn down invitations.

Is my shyness/social anxiety to blame for having no social life during my entire teenage years? Or is it because I simply did not connect personality-wise with anybody? I am incredibly frustrated and am hoping that once I get a job and start college, my social life will improve, but I worry that my introverted self will give me the same problem!

Signed, Kaitlin

ANSWER

Hi Kaitlin,

When shyness persists and interferes with someone’s ability to make friends, and participate in school or work, it should be evaluated by a mental health professional.

Yes, you are an only child so you may be used to spending more time alone. Yes, you may tend toward introversion and not need a great deal of social contact. Yes, having shy parents may have limited your opportunities for learning social skills—-But that sinking feeling in your chest when you’re with other people is visceral, and it is interfering with being the person you want to be. It is likely that the feelings and behaviors you describe are symptoms of social anxiety.

More than 15 million Americans suffer from the disorder, which usually begins in childhood or adolescence. The National Institute of Mental Health has an excellent online publication that describes various anxiety disorders and mentions some of the hallmarks of social anxiety disorder (also called social phobia). These include:

• Feeling anxious about being with other people;
• Feeling very self-conscious in front of other people and very worried about how you will act;
• Feeling very afraid of being embarrassed in front of other people;
• Worrying that other people are judging you;
• Worrying for days or weeks before an event where other people will be present;
• Staying away from places where other people will be;
• Having a hard time making friends and keeping friends; and
• Having bodily symptoms when you are with other people, such as blushing, heavy sweating, trembling, nausea, and having a hard time talking

If this list seems to resonate with the way you feel, the move from high school to college is unlikely to resolve your shyness on its own. What’s more likely is that you will carry these same problems with you to a larger setting, which may even be more intimidating than high school.

The good news: The summer is a perfect time to visit a mental health professional for an evaluation. Social anxiety is usually treatable with medication, some specific types of psychological therapy (e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy), or a combination of both. Treatment won’t change your basic personality but you will be able to do many of the things you want to do and reach out to friends more comfortably.

And by the time school rolls around in the fall, you may already begin to see some improvements in your condition. If you are planning to attend an out-of-town college, it might be good to arrange for continuing support through the university counseling office or a private practitioner in the area.

Hope this helps.

Warm regards, Irene

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog about shyness and social anxiety:

• Why Can’t I Make Friends?
• More than Shy: Could It Be Social Anxiety?

Tags: anxiety, depression, friend, making friends, shy, shyness, social anxiety

Category: Shyness and introversion