• Handling Breakups

Should I end this friendship?

Published: February 4, 2013 | Last Updated: February 4, 2013 By | 4 Replies Continue Reading
If the negatives start accumulating and outweigh the positives, it’s usually time to end this friendship. 


Hi Irene,

I have a friend whom I‘ve known for over five years. Lately, she has really hurt me in a lot of ways.

She is friends with my cousin as well—and recently told me all these mean things my cousin was saying about me. I was very hurt because I had no idea my cousin felt this way. She always texts me to let me know when they’re hanging out and says things like, “I’m with your cousin and I’ll let you know if she says anything about you.”

My friend and I were planning a trip and she goes and tells my cousin and invites her to come. My cousin changed the whole trip around and needed to know ASAP if I was going. I ended up telling my friend I wasn’t comfortable going because of all the bad things my cousin said about me. My friend kept asking if I was mad so I let her know I was very hurt because we had this whole trip planned after college graduation. She ended up telling me that she wasn’t going because she didn’t want any drama and asked if we could just forget about it.

There are other things, too, that I find hurtful. I always have to ask her to hang out she very rare will ask me. And half the time when I do, she says she is sick. But then she’ll text me later that night to tell me what she is doing so I know she is obviously lying.

My grandfather passed away this summer and the day of his wake all she asked me was if my cousin came; she never even asked me how I was doing. I also found out through my grandma that she has been going back telling my cousin all of my business. This was my best friend and someone whom I thought I could trust.

Is she really my friend or is it time to end this friendship and move on?

Signed, Donna


Hi Donna,

You need to ask yourself whether the positives of this friendship outweigh the negatives or vice versa. From the tone and content of your post, this relationship may have tipped over into a toxic friendship.

  • Your friend has been divisive and has created bad feelings between you and your cousin;
  • She hasn’t been honest with you;
  • She gossips behind people’s backs (If she is backstabbing your cousin, there is a good likelihood she is also doing it to you);
  • She was insensitive to your feelings after your grandfather’s death.

You’ve been friends for quite some time but other than your shared history, why would you want to be friends with someone who seems to cause you so much pain? If someone consistently disappoints you over and over, it’s probably time to end this friendship.

There is nothing to be gained by confronting your friend. Instead, just let the friendship fade away by not initiating contact with her any more.

Finally, while it’s possible that your friend may have fabricated or embellished your cousin’s comments, you should also be wary of your cousin’s loyalty to you.

Best, Irene

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Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS, Signs a friendship is going sour

Comments (4)

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  1. Lex says:

    My grandfather just passed away too. Sorry for your lpss as well, I know how hard it is. I miss him everyday.
    Well I had 2 friends like that and they were a constant drain. When they came to the funeral they seemed very sorry. But when they came to the wake they were very rude over my house and were telling me all about their drama and my life while I was helping my grandmother out cleaning dishes and serving food they acted like I was ignoring them. But they knew my grandfather too and didn’t even seem to care that he was dead they were too involved in their own lives. Then they left early and acting snotty and ignored me since I wasnt able to listen to them while they knew I was busy and I had a lot to take care of. I just recently deleted them off FB and I’m a lot happier. So you shouldnt feel bad, just dont talk to that girl anymore shes not worth the energy and negativity.

  2. Lauren says:

    Hi Donna,
    Your friend sounds quite manipulative, narcissistic and quite divisive. Perhaps she is one of those people who enjoys pitching one person against the other. Maybe she enjoys being the puppet master in a group of three.

    She had no regard for your feelings of sorrow over your grandfather’s death. She seems to pit your cousin against you in a rather sneaky way. Maybe your cousin is really saying those negative things against you , or maybe not. Perhaps your fiend is lying or greatly exaggerating. Also, maybe she is putting those words into your cousin’s mouth, so to speak. Who knows, but your friend sound quite cunning and really untrustworthy.

    She doesn’t sound much like a friend. Maybe it’s time to drift away from her, for the good of your own self esteem.

    • Ellen says:

      I have a very similiar situation happen to me, though it was 2 of my, so called friends. We all went on a cruise with our husbands, and the manipulative one, pitted the other one, against us, and we ended up on the outs. Basically, the manipulative one, who likes to do everything her way, and has a husband who does just that, was not happy with what my husband and I had planned, and she basically complained to the other girl, who stuck with her. We were both very upset, but found they were not worth staying friends with, so have moved on.
      We treat them kindly, but do not want to be close again. I started a Bunco group, that these ladies are in, and we still play monthly, but it has turned me off the fun, and I am considering stopping the group.
      I have learned, some folks just act mean, and there is nothing you can do about it. I do believe it is there insecurity, but I nor my husband, deserve to be treated that way.
      If your friend is as you say; she is a mean girl. Go find other friends. They are all around. I took up golf, and have found some lovely ladies there. God Bless you!

  3. Jas says:

    If you know that she is lying to you, why should you continue to maintain this friendship? If she loves you at a friend, she will think of your feelings as well.

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