She’s Just Not That Into You: Six ways to know when a girlfriend’s a frenemy

Published: February 11, 2009 | Last Updated: February 11, 2009 By | 10 Replies Continue Reading

He’s Just Not That Into You decodes the rules of heterosexual dating. But the
relationship between girlfriends can be just as powerful, irritating,
and unfathomable as any relationship with a guy. Here are my six ways
for women to recognize when "she’s just not that into you."

Read my latest post on HuffPo, SHE’s Just Not That into You


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  1. Anonymous says:

    I was friends with a person for 43 years when I finally found out that he no longer wished to be friends with me. Since he was always like an older brother, and since we had been so close, it was a shock when another person, an acquaintance, said that I had been “stalking” him for years. I should have known that he wanted to end the friendship years ago as I was the one putting in most of the effort. I did suspect this, but when I would ask him, he would deflect my questions. Part of the problem I suppose is that we are opposite sexes, he remarried, and his new wife would not allow him to speak with me. It did really hurt though when I called the last time, and she said, don’t call anymore or come by, “your friendship with him is history.” Since the loss of this I really have issues with how much to trust new people in my life that seem to want to be friends.

  2. Irene says:

    I just posted a response to your post today on 7/22.



  3. jacuzzigirl78 says:

    First of all, I am glad so that I found this blog! Anyway, here is the deal:

    I have this friend. We completely hit it off when we first met (she worked with my husband). She got laid off from my husbands company buy we both put forth effort into our friendship. She got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl.

    We then meet up with a bunch of people at Tahoe for a little getaway. I forgot some stuff (totally my fault) and she brought it back for me. Then I can’t get a hold of her for two months. I finally get my belongings back and we still hang out (albeit a little less).

    Her and her husband are struggling financially. He quit his good paying because he hated it (which is understandable) but ever since this has happened she has put little to no effort into our friendship. There are so many things one can do with her daughter that are cheap/free. The last few times we have hung out to do errands she becomes abrasive when even the subject of money is brought up. Even getting pissy if I don’t take her financial advice.

    Over the last say few months she has canceled everything I have suggested to do and has not extended an olive branch to me to hang out. She did however invite me to her daughters 1st bday. I really don’t get how she is behaving. It’s like if it isn’t a big event having to do with her kid she isn’t interested.

    Thoughts anyone?

  4. Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately, it happens. A friend pointed this out “If you met the person today, would you be friends with him or her?”

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’ve known my friend since we were teenagers. I accepted her when other kids did not, I never put down her clothes when other kids did..iow, I liked HER. I was there for her when her marriage become unstable and finally ended, was there for her when she was a single mother for years, went out and had fun with her, and we talked openly with each other. I never let my new marriage get in the way of our friendship and I never made her feel like less of a friend.

    As her life improved through better jobs and new friends, she undermined it by getting back together with her childs father who, of course, drug her through the mud and across several states before it ended again. By then she was out of state from me, but I did my best to stay in contact with her. Then she found a good guy and remarried and her life went on a considerable upswing and I was very happy for her.

    But the contact between us has nearly always fallen on me to begin, even till today. And now that I’m going through rough times, I find her barely willing to notice. I recently was seriously injured and couldn’t tell her about it because of the complexities involved, and when I finally contacted her by email and told her, she replied via email wanting more details. I told her it would be better to relay by phone because it’s too hard to write it all out right now. She basically responded by talking about a great vacation she was going on. She never made time for even a five minute phone call. These are just a few examples of how little relevancy she has chosen to give to our friendship and I think it’s a terrible waste of so many years of friendship. It’s very hurtful and very disappointing but I know she will rationalize and excuse herself for being cruel, cold, and distant as she has increasingly been able to do over the last few years. If I brought it up or complained about it, she’d go into drama queen mode and play the victim somehow. So, I have decided to quit being the one to do all the work of involving her in my life and mine in hers. About the only time she tries to ‘connect’ with me anymore is if she’s been drinking and it feels F-A-K-E. For me, it’s better to give time now to people who are interested in evolving friendships versus hanging onto an old one that has become empty and remote. It takes two to tango and takes two to make a friendship. Not one.

  6. Irene says:

    It sounds like you can no longer have a very close friendship but do you need to cut it off completely?

    Can you downgrade the relationship and make up to see each other on birthdays?

    My best,




  7. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been through this w/my best friend of 21 years (we met at 7 yrs old). The past few years have been so difficult as I try and negotiate how to deal with this woman who is a sweet person but does not know how to be a good friend anymore.
    I’m constantly the one who initiates contact, makes plans, remembers birthdays, etc. She puts zero effort into the friendship yet we share a lot of history together, so it’s a hard decision. Ultimately, I’ve decided to cut off ties with her and move on with my life while trying to make new friends instead. But it’s been very hard and sometimes I miss what we had together.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I had this type of experience in my late teens and early 20’s with a girl that I really feel was a wonderful person. However, we were caught, kind of like a bad marriage, in a cycle where I was constantly disappointing her, and I may have even been subconsciously doing it on purpose after a while. I have carried the burden of the loss of our friendship (I just kind of let it go, and so did she after we had been inseparable during two periods in our lives) because we had been through so many important first experiences and really enjoyable times together. Glad to know that this happens to other friends as well…

  9. heartchiq says:

    i can really relate into it with one of my best friends .. =(
    ALMOST the SAME story ..

  10. Anonymous says:

    Too true… a fractured friendship of mine that just ended a couple of months ago had all of these traits… I was guilty of the first three, and she was guilty of the last three. We had been friends for 13 years and already tried once to patch things up when we had a similar falling out and nothing changed (she was stubborn, critical and bossy; I was avoidant and passive aggressive, and it was just a vicious cycle of disappointment on both sides). It finally ended when I realized that despite her constantly making me feel bad about myself as a person and my behavior as a friend, that I was doing most of the work maintaining the friendship (making plans, organizing outings, calling to see if she wanted to come out, etc), and so I told her that if she thought I was such a lousy friend as she always told me I was, that she could go find some new friends because I was tired of the guilt trips and the verbal attacks. She didn’t apologize and went into another tirade about how I was a bad friend and a bad person but that she’d be willing to tolerate me anyway. Sigh. Sometimes you have to realize that she’s just not that into you as a person, and despite the long-term ties, both of you just have to go your own way for the sake of your emotional well-being!

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