Seeking forgiveness after ending a friendship
We can’t always count on others for forgiveness; sometimes we need to forgive ourselves.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I was dating a nice man for about two years and decided to leave for Canada without telling him. He had cheated on me about a month before and I forgave him and I still loved him. I just abruptly left him though with no call, no text, and no email.
He won’t return my calls now and I have texted him several times to ask him if we can still be friends or work things out. He has a new girlfriend now and I want to be respectful but I miss him, and I want to be there for him now.
Do you think I should just let him go and move on, or is it okay to message/call him once in a while to see how he is? I miss him so much and I hate what I did. I want him to forgive me and be my friend again.
ANSWER
Hi Sophie,
Your note is brief but a lot of things must have transpired between you before you decided to leave for Canada without saying goodbye. Even now, you seem comfortable with having ended the romantic part of this relationship. Understandably, you miss being in a relationship.
Your ex-boyfriend may have felt very hurt by the way this ended and since then, has moved on with his life. On your end, you wish you had ended it a way that allowed you to remain friends.
Learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself for being imperfect. You handled it the best you could at the time.
If your ex no longer wants to communicate, try to understand it from his perspective. That decision is his, not yours. You already reached out to him several times. Now it’s probably best for you to focus on the reasons you decided to leave rather than on what you miss, and concentrate on developing new friendships and supports.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS, How to get over a breakup, Relationships with ex-friends
Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea to maintain a friendship with your ex-boyfriend because it’s extremely uncomfortable. He really did hurt you, by cheating on you with someone else, he doesn’t want to forgive you, and his girlfriend will be unhappy that you’re keeping in touch with him. Worse of all, it’s torture to know that he’s happy, and is moving on with his life without you in it. Yes, it is difficult to lose someone that has been a huge part of your everyday life. But now, someone else has this, and nothing will be the same between you and your ex-boyfriend.
You need to move on with your life as well, and this relationship that you had with your ex-boyfriend will continue to be toxic.
He has clearly moved on and you should do the same, leave it alone!
I think it might be uncomfortable to continue to be friends. He did really hurt you by cheating on you, doesn’t want to forgive, and his girlfriend will be unhappy that you will want to be in touch with him. It might torture you more knowing that he is happy and trying to move on without you. It is hard to lose someone who is such a huge daily part of your life but now another person has this and nothing will be the same between you.
I would want to do the same thing and it would be very toxic.
If only we could all learn from our mistakes…but it’s worth it to really give that a try.