Scheduling problems: A simple misunderstanding or more?
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I’ve been hanging around with "Dina" for 15 years. A month ago, Dina told me she had run into an old friend of ours who wanted to get together with our old gang. She said she would arrange it and I told her I would help by contacting a few people within the group. Dina threw out a date and I told her clearly that I wasn’t sure I could make that date since I would be starting a new job right around that time.
I contacted a few of the old friends who said they would be interested in getting together and ran a new date by Dina. It wasn’t perfect for her, but she said she’d call around and see if people could make it that evening. She later called me saying that no one could make the date I had suggested so she reverted back to the date I couldn’t commit to.
I let her know that I was upset that she hadn’t worked with me to find a date we both could make. I told her that I was hurt that she would go ahead and plan the evening knowing that I (the one person in the group she sees regularly) might not be able to make it. I also told her (probably bitterly) that in the future I’d step back and let her do her own thing.
I haven’t heard from her in a week and the gathering has come and gone. I’ve spent so much time on this relationship and have tried to include Dina in my life in many ways, including introducing her and her husband to my new circle of friends.
Are my expectations too high? Is this relationship worth saving? Where do I go from here?
Signed,
Judy
ANSWER
Dear Judy,
Dina should not have planned the get-together with your mutual gang on an evening when you couldn’t participate. But your note to me suggests that you said you weren’t sure you could make it, rather than explicitly saying you couldn’t. Dina may have misunderstood too, thinking that the timing was inconvenient but not impossible.
In any case, it sounds like she didn’t circle back to you when she confirmed the date with the other people and she should have. That was wrong. I understand your getting upset with Dina and letting her know. But I wonder if there is more going on between you—aside from this recent misunderstanding.
At this point, Dina probably realizes she made a mistake. If this is a one-time fluke, contact her and let her know that your friendship is important and you reacted the way you did because you felt hurt. Tell her that you forgive her. Hopefully, this will open the door for a heart-to-heart discussion and she’ll understand and apologize.
However, if this misunderstanding is symptomatic of a bigger problem, it won’t be as easy to resolve. Since you have questions about whether the relationship is worth saving, I suspect you have other misgivings. Hope this helps!
My best,
Irene
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