Reader Wisdom: On giving up one-sided friendships
An anonymous poster offers advice about one-sided friendships in response to a previous post entitled, When a friend with mental health problems makes you her scapegoat.
Her advice might apply to any one-sided relationship.
Friends will come and go, but it can be fairly hard to walk away from a friendship that you thought was strong and made you happy.
My “friend” unfortunately shut me out after everything I had done for her, by being there for her no matter what day, time or place I’d be there, whether it was over text or a phone call. Now I regret it all. I regret ever giving someone so much care and attention for them to throw it all back in my face, like it never meant anything at all. I’m not upset by this broken down relationship, I’m massively disappointed.
I was shut out because I was basically replaced. Replaced by someone whom my friend, at one time, detested, and I was in the middle of that broken down relationship, but I was still there, I still helped, because I cared. If you feel like you have a friendship, where it is one-sided or you feel like you’re being mistreated for no apparent reason, you’re probably right to feel what you feel. This is what I learned:
– Never allow anyone to mistreat you, when you have done nothing wrong
– Never allow anyone to make you feel worthless and unvalued
– Never stay in a friendship, no matter how long you have been friends for, if you feel like you are genuinely hated
– Leave a friendship if you feel you are happier and less stressful without it.
I’m now fading away from my “friendship” with no warning or no reason. I feel that I do not have to justify myself to people who have made me feel this low about myself. I allowed my “friend” to treat me this way because I was clinging on to the friendship because I didn’t want to lose a good friend with whom I had been through so many difficult times.
Anything you would add to her list?
Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS
This was so sad to read and i understand the feeling but i have a friend of 7 years who is a good counselor for me and encourages me but when it comes of her helping me she is always so reluctant for helping.It has been giving me a hard time for kind of three years.I tried to break up with her but she stood somehow like she did nothing and it was all on me!
Now i don’t know what to do.I don’t know wheter to stay by her side and just accept her like that or go away and leave her behind.Actually i am sometimes proud of being her friend but she doesn’t make me feel like i am her best friend and it’s also hard for me to walk away from her.She makes me be scared of her because she is so confident!
This article made me cry. I have been going through the same thing for over a year.
My (former) best friend dumped me because she replaced me. (It’s a long story and I don’t feel like divulging. I was always there for her and, without warning, she cut me off.
After the fact, there were some signs, but they were extremely subtle and it makes it hurt more that after 7 years of friendship, she couldn’t be honest and say something about needing space as opposed to speaking to me one day and then just cutting all ties the next.
It still hurts, even a year and a half later. I’ve realized that she replaced me and that from knowing her that this is a pattern. She has told me about cutting people off, often times for what were really minor infractions.
Being replaced hurts the most of the whole thing.
I had a close friend dump me after 18 years of laughter and shared empathy. I know your pain. There is no simple soothing answer other than “How do you feel about yourself?” I know when I look in the mirror I like the person looking back at me. My loss still stings after almost two years. What choice do I have? Realize it’s not all about me. It’s great to be a good friend and that means a friend to myself as well. Sorry for your loss, but it is also her loss…..
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You might want to re present that in much shorter form. Very hard to follow or what the core issue is?
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Guess I still don’t get why you don’t like nice people? I can understand someone reminding you of someone else not being good but not liking nice people????
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Hi Tina, as I was reading you post, I have to say that I see that you have difficulty with relationships in general. I have another question, why are you willing to give in to your (bow husbands) push to be friends with someone he was involved with in the past. There are issues with this in itself. I believe you would benefit speaking to a professional about these issues. I don’t believe in judging anyone, because we all have issues of some kind. You seem like you are not sure where you want things to go with friends, yourself, etc. You sound like a really nice person for wanting to protect others’ feelings while wanting to cut ties with the relationship, so you do have empathy towards others. I just feel from reading your post there are deeper issues that need to be addressed before you can have the type of friendship you are looking for. I wish you the best and keep working on you, and the spiritual route is a good start. Best you you.
Lisa
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Having experienced major depression myself I know how that affects perception. One of the things I am practicing is believing that I am responsible for my own happiness so if I am unhappy in a situation can I make it better? If I can’t I get rid of it. I read a book when I was 18 which is entitled, “When I say no I feel guilty.” The premise of the book is that I, like any person, has the right to change their mind at any time. So I offer that in support of your decision to cut your ties. The only thing I have control of is me. I used to give away my happiness then blame the other person (not very healthy eh?) It’s a process like any other but I don’t allow others to have power over me anymore. It doesn’t change this crazy world but it sure makes my little piece of it more tolerable…
Ok thanks for suggesting the book. I’ll take a look into it. 🙂
Tina,
You are very welcome, and sometimes just venting here when there is no body familiar to judge you can be of some relief. Here anytime you want to release.
Lisa
Hi,Tina!
After reading your post about the history of your relationship, it seems that you made your decision in the last paragraph when you say it would be easier to deal with your marriage if Beth wasn’t in your life.
Throughout your story, your now-husband’s opinion seemed to matter in your actions toward friendship first with Kate and then Beth. Have you told him how you are feeling and asked what he thinks? He might have an idea for how you can end the friendship that places both of you together in removing yourselves from the situation and gives you more support. Just a thought!
Feeling your pain,
Mary Lou
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Mary Lou,
It sounds like you have become the Seattle Freeze. ;P No offense! But Really. It does sound like you are uncomfortable with someone really getting to know you, and you are unable to deal with the basic people politics adequately.
If the only reason Beth bothers you is because she brings up the woman your Ex dated, this is reasonable, but you must realize you are blaming a nice friend, for your husbands behavior.
If there are other reasons that Beth bothers you besides occassionally mentioning the EX-lady and beyond trying to be a real friend, like she is a non-stop talker. Then it sounds like the friendship isn’t balanced and you aren’t willing to put in the time to make it work. You need to stop using her and feeding her and be straight with her. Not hurtful. Tell her you think she is a lovely person, but you are having a hard time keeping in touch. Then just don’t respond to her.
It sounds like you are lonely and depressed and are using her writing to you often and being a caring person. But if you don’t want to open up and be friends, then you shouldn’t just use her. It will end up making you feel bad about yourself.
If she has potential and the only problem is she mentions Katy’s name then mention again that hearing about Katy bothers you and makes you feel insecure. Also BTW it shouldn’t unless you believe your husband is contining things with Katy. Life goes on. If your husband is no longer seeing/ talking to Katy, what difference does it make? Probably Beth doesn’t understand that you have a major hangup here. Maybe you can tell her about it, if you plan to be more open and be a friend to her as well (not making her do all the work.. maybe why she is talking too much, STRESSFUL for her).
But you seem confused with what you want. Depression isn’t something you just work on in a vaccum and shut everyone out. It sounds like you might be depressed about your husband. You need to get to the bottom of this. If you feel betrayed he dated someone else you need to feel it and let it go. It sounds like it is consuming you, you are projecting it on Beth but really it wasn’t her behavior, it was your husbands.
Now if you suspect something else is up with your husband, than you need to explore your feelings there. But living in the past and punishing the one nice person who makes an effort towards you is effed up and what the Seattle Freeze is all about. It’s about newcomers, who can’t adjust well, not their fault, but it is their issue to work out.
Sorry, I do not mean to be harsh. You sound like a lovely person, but you sound muddled and misdirected in your feelings. Hope you can work it out. Feel free to respond, if there is something I said you don’t understand.
I would suggest couples counseling as well, it seems like you and your husband care about one another but you still seem to have difficult feelings towards Katy (projected onto Beth), you should find ways to get over this, so your marriage can truly flourish and you can develop close friendships again.
Best to You.
Sorry Mary Lou, I got confused with all these handles. You gave Tina great advice! I meant to direct my comment to Tina, the teller of the story. Wishing you both happiness.
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Hi Cheryl,
I’m sorry to tell you what you sound like you already know. It hurts. It doesn’t mean your friendship is permanently over, but it is permanently changed, currently for the worse.
From what you wrote it sounds like your old friend has become a worse version of herself, it sounds like she is working out troubles from her past, but kind of making a mess of her current life.
She will not hear that from you, so telling her isn’t going to work. She clearly feels needy and victim-y if she is using you (a long time friend) and not returning friendship. How you proceed is a personal decision and depends on you. But personally I would not follow her down.
If you feel she is taking advantage of you, and does not seem grateful, when she calls wanting something she claims she needs from you, I would not be available any more. In her new way of thinking, she wounds like a wounded victim and she will walk all over you in her neediness. Therefore you need to protect yourself and just not be available. I wouldn’t tell her “Oh I decided that I can’t help you… just don’t be there.
She will soon realize she has taken you for granted. But she never will if you keep babying her.
If she calls to invite you to do an activity you both like, I would consider it. If you feel angry at her, then maybe thank her, but tell her maybe another time. Or if you feel she is truly genuine and she is going out of her way for you, then possibly you accept.
I wouldn’t freeze her out. But I would teach her your boundaries and what is tolerable friendship behavior.
If she doesn’t call or come around.. at least as soon as you like. Well you have your answer and you saved yourself a bunch of heartache and drama. Focus on other friends, both in your old group and also on meeting new people who represent your interest and have more similar goals to you.
Just my 2 Cents.. Hope it helps. Whatever you decide, write us how it goes.
Awesome advice. It was really affecting me emotionally, and I would find myself crying in public places whenever she crossed my mind. A mutual best friend of ours mentioned that perhaps the reason why she wasn’t including me in her plans when she was hanging around this ‘new’ friend was because she was trying to protect me. That theory makes sense, I will admit, but she just doesn’t bother with me AT ALL. Our mutual best friend also said that perhaps she is feeling the same about me, as I am about her. Distancing herself, because she perhaps has feelings that ‘we aren’t the same people’ anymore. Rather than walk away completely, I’ve decided that I’m just going to step away gracefully as to not build up hurtful feelings for fear that I might say hurtful things to her out of frustration. I want to avoid that, but yet, I would hate to not know what she is truly feeling, because I know she won’t tell me. She kept telling me, “I could never NOT be friends with you”, but her actions are telling me otherwise. Your advice was much needed. Thank you!
Hi, Cheryl!
I like your idea of moving on by stepping away gracefully. You are kind to not want to hurt her the way she hurt you. Who knows? She may return to your friendship if she changes her mind about the new friend. Actions are always the key to evaluating the truth. I hope you’ll write back when you find a new friend. I’ll be interested in knowing how many traits your old and new friends have in common. I have found that starting a new hobby brings new people into my life.
Wishing you all the best!
Mary Lou
Thanks Mary Lou, Oh yes. Absolutely. Even though I am hurt and can say several things to her about how I feel (not in a malicious way of course, but “matter of fact”, and bluntly), she probably might get on the defense (as would I probably), but I would rather her TELL me how she feels. If I’ve hurt HER in any way, I want her to TELL me so I can correct the problem or be more cognizant of it. The same with her. Several of our friends in our tight knit circle actually do agree that she can be quite selfish, but she doesn’t REALIZE it. She doesn’t realize that she lacks self-awareness. Part of me holds on to the friendship because, well, hey…why walk away from 30 years of friendship? Well, it took me a while to realize it, but why stay if it’s not serving me in a fair and nurturing way? It’s only making me harbor more resentment that I don’t want. I love her dearly, and always thought we’d last a lifetime, but I’ve come to realize that no two people are tied to one another. It’s never guaranteed. But yes. I am stepping back gracefully, and setting her free. Hopefully for just a little while, and not permanently.
…and might I add, I’m not the only friend in our circle of friends that she’s hurt. We have all in a way, had our issues with her. Which reinforces my belief of her lack of self-awareness.
Hey Mary Lou:
Just an update – I had to tell her again how I felt, and I’m honestly convinced that my friend is THAT unassuming, and clueless about her actions. I recently came back from the doctor for my yearly checkup, and I completely unraveled in front of her and told her I was an emotional wreck lately and my anxieties were through the roof, and I briefed her on my friend, and on how I feel she had ditched me. She wanted to put me on anti-depressants (I’ve been part of the Generalized Anxiety club for 15 years), and I refused.
So, a day later, after my doctors visit, I started a new position at my job. My friend texted me asking if I wanted to join her for a barbeque outside her apartment complex. I told her I might not be able to because I would be stuck at work.
I proceeded to tell her that I hadn’t been doing well lately, emotionally and mentally…..and then I just told her everything. Her behaviour, why she was avoiding me? and what her problem with me was, if any? I called her out on an incident where she told me she would hang out with me, and didn’t even call me on the day she ‘said’ she was going to.
Well, as it turns out, she told me “she was at the beach that day” (probably with her new trashy friend), and either A) FORGOT, or B) didn’t have the heart to tell me.
So needless today, we just spent the entire past weekend together and we had a blast. I didn’t even need to ask her. She asked ME! We had a fabulous time, and it did me a whole world of good. I’m hoping she had some time to think about her behaviour and what I said to her, and how it really affected me. Perhaps I mean something to her after all 🙂
Cheers!
I’m currently going through a situation where my best friend has drifted, and what seems to have distanced herself from me. She only needs me when she wants something, and then when I want to hang out with her, she has plans, but reserves, the tiring, drawn out, and overworked ‘week-days’ for me to come over, when she and I both know, we are exhausted from work. But when she needs something? She calls. When it’s convenient for her. Otherwise I don’t hear from her. She loves going to rock’n roll bars on the weekends, and hangs out with loud and boastful partiers. That’s fine and dandy, but this one new “bff” shes found is loud, boisterous and says the F word and the C word every other word. I voiced my opinion and kindly told her that unfortunately, I was unable to tolerate her new friend and I didn’t really feel I clicked with her, but that I would always be civil with this new friend of hers. She hangs around her very often, and doesn’t ever ask me to hang out anymore. It really hurts. My best friend and I are part of a group of 5 close knit girlfriends who have all known each other since we were young girls. I have often thought that maybe it’s jealousy that is fueling my feelings, but I never ever had a problem with her having other friends besides me and our girls. But this one friend she has, is just totally not our caliber.
Aside from that, my BFF is sleeping with this guy who treats her like garbage and she’s always fighting with him and it’s changed her personality completely. She’s constantly depressed about it. So now, she’s constantly miserable about it, and can’t seem to have a good time whenever the rare occasion rolls around and we are hanging out.
I just feel like she’s ditched me. But when she needs something she will call. Otherwise I won’t hear from her.
I’ve already had this talk with her once before a few months ago. Could it be that honest talk I had with her has distanced her some more?
But why use me? Why only call me when you need something but not hang out with me otherwise? She’s just making herself look worse in my eyes.
Not to mention, she needs to have everything her way.
I am inches away from just walking away, but I’m constantly crying over it. Throwing away a 30 year best friendship isn’t easy.
One of the biggest challenges I faced was removing myself from a friendship that became too intense. From the moment I met N., she started calling me five and six times a day and bringing me little gifts of fruit and magazines that she’d leave on the doorstep if I didn’t answer the door. She wanted to join me in everything I did. I explained that I would like to be her friend, but that I couldn’t be her only friend, and she couldn’t be my only friend. She said she understood, but then she started showing up unexpectedly. She showed up at a party, and I learned she had tracked me through other friends and called the hostess to say she was a friend of mine and could she come, too! The hostess, unaware of the situation said yes, so suddenly N. was at the party.
I called her the day after the part and explained why this behavior upset me, but she kept telling me she didn’t understand why I didn’t want her at the party. I told her that I wanted to just break ties because this wasn’t working for me, and she told me she didn’t understand why I was acting this way.
At that point, I told her that I was through, and I didn’t want her to call me or get together anymore. I felt awful because she started to cry.
It took a long time for her to get the message and quit calling me, but finally there was silence. Until…we happened to show up at the same party, and she asked in a loud voice why we weren’t friends anymore. She couldn’t figure out what she’d done wrong. Here was my reply, “I found that your friendship was too intense and one-sided for me, N., and I had to call it off.” I walked away so we wouldn’t rehash it in front of everyone. Way too much drama for me!
I struggled with feeling selfish about not extending friendship to N., and yet I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship for either one of us. I am not sorry I cut it off, but it still is an experience that stays with me. Friendship is such an art, and communication and respecting one another’s boundaries are key in making it work.
Totally agree with you. This person sounds controlling and obsessive. Glad you got away sooner than later.
Thanks, Sam. I appreciate your kind words.
Sure, you did the right thing. Even thiugh it sounds confusing. It isn’t that you didn’t WANT her at the first party, it’s just it wasn’t her people and if had invited her it’s different because it would be on your terms. The calling and asking if she could come could be okay if you were old friends, like family and she would have been invited anyway except that.. she just got back from a year in india or whatever. But instead it’s like she is stalking you. She is testing your boundaries and those of your social group, and it sounds sick. Sometimes it can be hard to do what you did, because we give people especially friends benefit of the doubt. This person you got away from sounds calculating and (boundary) abusive, I would watch her if she is in your social circle. I don’t like cliques generally, but there is a reason they happen naturally and it’s to protect the group from potential exploitation. Even if this individual isn’t intending to do damage, she just doesn’t understand/respect boundaries she still can hurt people for her gain. I’d be calm quiet and watchful if she is around. That said, you aren’t im danger because you are already aware of your boundaries and how to protect them. Myself, I used to be a little naive. Learned the hard way.
Mary Lou, I completely understand what you experienced and the reason you had to call the friendship off. I had basically the same situation with a gal I met in December with the initial N also. She was so overpowering and pushy I had to distance myself. There were no boundaries. I have many friends, but unfortunately she hasn’t any good friends and is desperate. The problem she becomes so pushy I found the friendship intolerable. Everything had to be her way and along with that she made hurtful comments. Kind of like kidding on the side. Just last week I found she did the same thing to another friend of mine. Very difficult, but I don’t call or text her hoping she will just go away. She happens to be on vacation at this time and I hope she finds someone else to push around and not contact me in the future.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Jen. It’s so amazing to share a story and find out that other people have had something similar happen to them. Best wishes on your friendship journey!
Hi Lisa
Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time with what seems to be maybe what your best friend says, jealousy.
As you and your family have just moved to the area, she probably feels threatened by you as your a newbie.
Try and not let it show her that it has upset you and socialise with the other neighbours as I think it’s a power thing with some people, which is sad.
You have just moved in, you don’t want to feel you cannot step out of your own house through someone like her, fight it and I wish you well. You are better than her.
Hi Karen, thank you for the kind words and the encouragement. This person has turned all the neighbors against us so taking to them is not an option at this point. I try to wave as they drive down the street but no response. It is hurtful how evil some people are. I go on with my life and sit on my porch and enjoy my beautiful home. I pray the others will see what she really is and get a mind of their own.. I have never been a follower and I never treat people badly because others spread gossip about people. If you have done nothing to me, I will talk and be friends with you regardless of what others think and say. I am leader not a follower. But this treatment hurts all the same.
Thank you again
Lisa
Well said! I left a “friendship” because I was always left feeling that my “friend” thought she was somehow doing me a huge favour by being a friend to me. I was left feeling that doing things for her (and it was always one-sided like that) was some sort of honour for me. I left! Was I hated? I was certainly unappreciated. You said it better than I did, but I can sure relate!
My Mom dealt with this situation. A former neighbor who got divorced through difficult and painful circilumstances. My Mom tried to be extra supportive, helped her get her life together. Then my Mom was getting divorced and this lady was too busy in her new single life to bother with my Mom. My Mom and her still had common interests and would go yo concerts or events together, my Mom would drive because other lady didn’t have a car, my Mom paid for gas, parking, etc. One time they were running late and having trouble parking. My Mom offered to drop this friend at the door to get them both seats. The lady refused and said she’d rather not. My Mom felt like this “friend” acted like she was doing my Mother a favor by doing things together. And frankly NEVER pulled her own weight. My Mom came to conclusion you did. I think it’s important to consider how particular friends make you feel and treat friends the way you would like to be treated. Don’t let one narcissist get you down. Try other activities and when you see someone who could be a good friend, say Hi and ask them what they enjoy.. Don’t be afraid to get their number if you have common interests. Or even plan to be at upcoming event and look for each other. If it doesn’t work out, don’t worry about it.
This is exactly how I feel, right to the point, I feel worthless,empty and let down.
How do you move on?
Hi Karen, I have been treated like this most of my life by other woman. I can do nothing and they all give me nasty looks and make rude comments. I use to let it bother me, bow I say what did I do to deserve this treatment?? I use to be so frustrated and even ask them why do you treat em this way, what did I do to you? Never get an answer or they just give another dirty look and walk away. I use to think I was crazy but this happens all the time. I can talk to people on the phone and they will say you are such a wonderful , funny, caring person, wish I lived closer to you. Then when I meet them, without even saying a word they turn form friendly to hateful!! I am confused but can’t change what I’m doing because I am not doing anything. I moved into a new neighborhood, and the woman across the street who never even said hello to us started spreading rumors about us and she never even met us!! She turned the whole neighborhood against us, and we haven’t met most of them. What is wrong with people, and why are they so hateful to people they never even said hello to or gotten to know. 2 opf the neighbors said she hates you!! did you guys have words? I said no!! she refuses to even look at me. they said well she hates you and talks not nice about you, watch yourself they said. Then I see this person going over to this woman’s house. I will say hello to these people but not getting too friendly. My fiance and children can’t believe the trouble she is causing and alienating the other neighbors from not speaking to us. I say god will handle this for me, I will keep positive and be nice to those who are nice to me and not pay any mind to the trouble makers, I just don’t understand people. My best friend says its jealousy, but for what? Anybody have any ideas, or advice?
Yes I deal with the same thing… Rejection is very difficult to deal with, especially when one cannot find a reason for it. There’s an old saying, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” That saying is true for me but most of us want to get along and be accepted by others. Another old saying comes to mind, “20 percent of the people will like you no matter what, 20 percent of the people will not like you no matter what, and the other 60 percent just don’t give a crap.” It seems to me this lifelong process of getting a reasonable self-image and not being swayed by what others think of us is a process just like anything else in life. So I respond to your question and think to myself given a similar situation, “Why do I let someone bother me when I cannot find a rational reason for their affect toward me?” Glad to know others struggle with this as well. I have yet to find any issues in life that others have not struggled with or things I have done that others have not done and yet when I am struggling with something I think I am the only one struggling with it. Another good tool to use is place yourself in third person view of you and advise yourself as your best friend and what would you tell you? If a best friend of mine came to me I would encourage that person that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are good people worthy of good things happening to them and someone’s rejection of them is the other person’s problem. In the land of Karma or sowing and reaping I have seen “mean spirited” people get negative results and it must truly suck to live like that. They should be pitied. My job is to wish them well and try not to buy into their negativity. Easy to say, not so easy to do….
I read a book when I was 18 that this post reminds of, “When I say no, I feel guilty.” It let me know it was ok to change my mind at any time. It gave me permission to know it’s ok to take care of me. Did I always follow it’s advice??? No, but I have learned valuable lessons from the pain that guide future decisions. It would be nice to go through life making every correct decision. Having experienced major depression for a 10 year period it would have been nice to see that coming and learn how to make better decisions to avoid that pain. But alas life does not come with operating instruction manuals.
Through much work on me I am more aware, feel more deeply and am more compassionate than I have ever been. If I reflect on some of my younger shananigans I actually feel sick to my stomach. How I treated some in my early years and early adulthood without disregard for their feelings. It doesn’t matter how others view my history or judges it, it only matters what they mean to me when I look in the mirror.
My circle of friends in miniscule compared to youth and early and not-so-early adulthood. The trade-off is I feel better about who I am and what is important to me. But how did I get to this place???? Pain, pain and more pain. Frustration, failure and more pain.
I know what it feels like to be “in love,” I know what it is like to be rejected by someone you love, I know what it is like to not be honest with others, I know what it is like feel extreme loneliness, I know what it is like to marvel at natures beauty in all 50 states and many places around the world.
If it weren’t for suffering with major depression it would not have been necessary to learn new coping skills like the connection between helping someone else and being honest with feeling better about me.
This spiritual axiom is true for me, “If you don’t know sorrow how could you know joy..”
That was absolutely beautiful. Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am a fan of that book also 🙂