Reader Q&A: Achieving closure after being dumped by a friend at work
It’s very painful to be dumped by a friend at work, especially when the decision is unilateral.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I’ve read many of your posts regarding the breakup of female friendships and I am going thru one myself as we speak. Anna and I met two years ago at graduate school. A little over a year ago, I helped get her a job at my company and we become inseparable. We did everything together from going to dinner, the movies, and jogging at the park. Also, we spent a lot of time texting and instant messaging everyday at work.
About three months ago, Anna had met a new friend, “Lisa,” and I felt replaced. Little by little, I felt pushed aside and believe that Lisa had put a rift in the friendship between Anna and me. All of the sudden, Anna and I spent less and less time together as she made more time for Lisa. The two of them would go bar hopping, swimming, and yoga together…all of the activities that I do not enjoy but Anna likes.
So, one day after I dropped Anna off home from lunch, I texted her saying that maybe we should give our friendship a break because she and I have gotten into many small arguments within the last couple of months. I said that friendship is a two-way street and I was tired of working doing all of the work. So, she texted me back saying, “Fine and take care.”
The next day, I felt badly about what I said and texted Anna saying that I was very sorry and hope that she could forgive for the angry outburst. Anna texted back saying, “There is no need for you to be sorry.” She was and had always been a b$$ch to me. She said that I needed a friend that could be there for me constantly, someone to listen to me, and someone to keep me company.” Anna said that she feels badly but she cannot be that kind of friend to me and for me to take care. However, she still would like to be a work acquaintance. Nevertheless, this took place over 6 weeks ago and Anna and I have not spoken since. We often avoid each other at the office because things feel so awkward.
I’ve texted Anna several times since then, asking for a face-to-face meeting. I told her that I have and will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her. Last week, she answered back saying that our friendship just doesn’t work anymore and for me to move on with my life. She said that she has nothing to say to me.
However, despite her response, I still feel the need to have one last face-to-face meeting. The break-up of our friendship clearly had more to do than just that one text and I want real closure. So, should I try to reach out to Anna one last time or should I just let her go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to one another makes it very painful for me. I still want to reconnect with her and be friends once more.
Marcie
ANSWER
Hi Marcie:
What a painful and difficult situation! In addition to losing a close friend with whom you once spent a lot of time, you still have to face her (and her new best friend) at work. That really has to hurt!
You are correct—the friendship didn’t break up solely because of the text message (although texting generally isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, as I’m sure you are now aware). But you were already seeing red flags that something was wrong: You were arguing with each other more and she was choosing to spend her time with Lisa rather than you. If Anna had wanted to, she could have brought you into their circle. She chose not to without any explanation or apology, even when pressed for one.
It’s infuriating when a decision to end a friendship is unilateral—and you aren’t the one who makes the decision. It is natural to feel hurt and angry, and to want some closure. Unfortunately, it looks like Anna isn’t ready to talk or discuss what happened. Anna may be more close-mouthed than you, in general, and have less of an interest in intimate relationships than you do. Whatever the reasons, she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about your split and while you may have been close at one time, given what has happened, it doesn’t appear like you will be able to get over this rift.
You definitely need to back off at this point and involve yourself with other friends at work and outside work. There may be some truth to Anna’s accusation that you are too needy or perhaps you are only too needy for her. You need to dig deep into yourself and think about what you asked of Anna in the past to determine whether you need to set boundaries for your future friendships.
You will be able to achieve closure when you assume control of your circumstances. When you accept that the relationship is over, you’ll feel better about the situation and about yourself. As brutal as it sounds, this isn’t the first time a good friend has been dumped and won’t be the last. You deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity, and whose personality and interests are in better balance with yours.
Focus on your work and maintaining a professional demeanor in the office. And try to forget about Anna’s relationship with Lisa: that will probably become history, too. It’s going to take some time but I promise, you will get over this trauma.
Let us know how it goes.
My best, Irene
Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS
I would say Im still in shock but Im glad I know now that this woman I met at work and we became pals since last summer- after our contract ended we kept in touch almost daily with emails. She lives close but wont say where she lives and we planned to met for coffee. I always found that she cant trust people-she never reveals anything about her life but she knows alot about mine. I happen to have fallen into a harsh live since 2008 I had to move 7 times, I lost my career, I ended on welfare for the first time ever, Im with a man who is good but drinks alot. She was lucky as she married at 27 and moved right into a home with 25% of the mortgage as it was his parents home who have money. My govt money only lasts another 6 weeks and i cant get welfare where i live now (they denied me twice and one time it made me homeless for 2 days). I used to have a great life and did not experience all this upset but what happened is when she sees all my issues and problems, she started blaming it all on me and saying i just make excuses. I also dont have parents and the rest of my family is 700 miles away, she has family around from both sides. she is the only person I know here other than my boyfriend. She she emailed me last week nasty stuff and was disresepcting me and giving her opinion when she knows im in a crisis and i cant get out. I cannt find work nor can she. Im in a bad housing situation but I cant move because I dont have the money and I cant find a place as the vacancy rate is high. I also wanted to move back to my hometown but that fell through as the company wanting to hire me said i needed a car and I dont have one……..they were not upfront. so the story is if i dont find a job in 1 month I will be homeless and she thinks that is just crazy but its true…………..she also when i found out about jobs she would want find out about them to compete but when she hears about jobs its all secret…….so she is no friend!
Ok, I know it really hurts when someone dumps you and doesn’t give you a reason, but I wonder if somehow my experiences can help some of you. I’m ashamed to say I have dumped friends over the years and it is always for the same reason. I’m quite relaxed easy going and non confrontational. Sometimes friends who are quite strong characters have latched on to me and I’ve ended up feeling used and manipulated. The last time it happened it was really uncomfortable. I got really stressed out because the person was phoning me all the time and wanting favours from me. I had my own problems going on – I was grieving and was a bit postnatal and I just couldn’t handle it. I was frightened to ask her to back off. I didn’t have the social skills to tell her what was wrong, she had done so many things I felt were really hurtful and manipulative but I didn’t know how to say that to her. So I started to hide, avoiding her, avoiding contact. It was my coping mechanism – the only one I had. That was the last time I ever did that kind of thing. I made a promise to myself to be very wary of that kind of character (she was the fourth or fifth I had attracted plus an old boyfriend like that). I felt really bad about it and there were parts of our friendship I missed but I had also felt so stressed being her friend. Sometimes I need to be alone and I find it uncomfortable when someone relies on me all the time – that’s my problem and I know that. I think the problem was that we had different expectations from the friendship, different ideas about what friends should and should not do. I’ve been treated badly by friends in the past and I know how much it hurts – I’ve watched them steal boyfriends from me, borrow money and never repay it….. the list goes on. Problem is I’m not good at vocalising when people treat me like that so instead I drop contact and hide. I think friends that dump you are just bad communicators – they perhaps don’t mean to be so unkind but don’t have the skills to say – look that pissed me off don’t treat me like that.I don’t know but what I do know is that there are always faults on both sides
Thanks for your reply. Yep I think you’re onto something with me knowing too much about her past relationships. I even wonder sometimes now was that relationship she was in ever violent at all. I would never usually not believe someone who would say such a thing, but judging by the crazy way she’s been behaving towards me+making up things I’ve done, to make excuses for herself, I just wonder if part of her reacting to me like that is fear I may tell someone ie her boyfriend about the violence+the truth might all come out. Because whilst she moved in with me when things went sour with that boyfriend it wasn’t til months later that she told me he’d beaten her up+was very drunk when she told me that. The violent ex boyfriend along with my ex friend and myself are all in the same little group of 10 people for tutorials and so her strangeness with me started right around the time uni was restarting+she knew we’d all be together. Perhaps she was on edge in case I’d say something to him+the truth might come out. Just a thought. I could be totally wrong. With regards to going to visit my boyfriend and having to see her I guess I’m Jst going to have to suck it up and get on with it. He knows how I feel and is very supportive, but i’ve been avoiding going to his place and now he’s just a bit sick of it really. It’s really hard because I’m a very sensitive person and would hate to feel someone didn’t like me or that I was upsetting anyone and so to be forced to be around her, with sheer hatred for me eminating from her, I find very distressing.
You know too much about her recent past with boyfriends, including (and in particular) the violent boyfriend. She’s going out with your boyfriend’s bff, too, so that makes you a double-danger. Can your boyfriend visit you at your place more often? Can you take off for weekends to cheap camping places? Are there other alternatives?
Also, you became involved with a guy and less involved with *her*. It doesn’t matter that she hooked a boyfriend, too. You weren’t supposed to have a life. Before that, thought, you were the one who was dating a troubled man, and had the strength to break it off with him–which meant, after relaxing and so forth, you needed her less to talk to about your own problems.
There are a lot of changing dynamics going on between you. She’s younger than you, has a shorter life experience, and who knows, possibly has issues you have no idea about, if she started to gaslight (snow) you like she did.
As for the main question–what are you going to do when you see her at your boyfriend’s place? Be civil but distant. Pretend she’s a stranger (cuz that’s what she turned into) that you don’t know. You might also want to explain to your boyfriend that you don’t want your ex-friend’s issues to interfere with his friendship with his friend; but for now, you need space from this girl. If he cares, he should listen.
My best friend of 3 years, whom I thought would be a life long friend, has cut me off and I don’t understand why. We are both on the same postgrad university course together. I provided her with a place to sleep when she first arrived at uni and had nowhere to stay, despite having only just met her. We instantly became great friends. She’s a few years younger than me, she’s mid twenties and I’m close to thirty and she seemed to almost have a minny crush on me. I’d never had a friend who was so ‘into’ being my friend. She wanted us to do everything together. It was nice as I really value good friends because having moved around alot, I don’t feel I have very many close friends.
Over the years I felt I provided her with alot of support and was really happy to do so. I helped her when she was dumped by her boyfriend, in the first few months of college, by taking her to my home for the weekend. Then when she ended up in another disastrous relationship which turned violent, I let her move into my house, to escape living with him. She was also supportive of me with various problems I have had over the past few years. It seemed like a friendship that would last for life.
This summer I broke up with a lovely but very troubled guy with whom I had been in a longterm relationship. For the first time in the past few years I felt free. Eased of all the pain he had been carrying around with him. I was sad to leave him but knew I’d made the right decision. Not long after this I ended up hooking up with a guy I had become good friends with. It wasn’t ideal timing, but we’re so right for each other and so I went with it. Around that time my friend also hooked up with my new guy’s best friend. It was the ideal situation really, I envisioned being her bridesmaid one day and that we’d all stay close for years to come. Around that time she gave me a lovely card saying thanks for being a great friend and helping her through all of her problems over the previous few months.
Over the summer my new guy and myself tried to arrange various activities with the other couple, like meeting up for nights out but they rarely returned our txts. We figured they were just busy being loved up. But it was a little uncharacteristic for both of them. Anyway, I was very happy in my new relationship and so wasn’t too bothered by it.
In the middle of the summer, my friend and I went travelling together for 2 weeks, because both our guys were working and we’d uni holidays. We had a nice time except she was stressing about exam results and her future and so it wasn’t very relaxing. She seemed to put my thoughts on my future down quite a bit too which made me feel a bit upset, but she is a stress head and so I’m fairly used to her and just put it down to that. I didn’t hear from her after the holiday, except for when I’d ring her for a chat. Then we all went to a music festival together. I spoke to her that afternoon and she was fine, but when I arrived that night around 11pm she was acting kind of off with me. She didn’t seem bothered to see me at all. I put it down to her being a bit drunk. I didn’t see much of her for the rest of the weekend, despite camping next to them. So myself and my boyfriend jst did our own thing. She had lots of friends and cousins there and I figured maybe she just wanted to catch up with them. But on our last afternoon there her boyfriend pulled mine aside and said that myself and my friend would have to sort out whatever was going on between us, that my friend had said something about me being selfish and that was why she had been avoiding me all weekend. I was so angry and confused to hear this. I didn’t think we had any problems between us. I’d spent the weekend trying to contact her and then she was saying i was selfish. I jst didn’t understand. When I tried to say to her it was a pity we hadn’t seen more of each other that weekend, she said I’d refused to be part of the group and had jst wanted to be off with my boyfriend, This wasn’t the case at all, and all of the drama really upset me. It seemed so petty. Worse still we were supposed to be moving in together the following week, with another friend of ours. Into a house which I had found for the 3 of us and arranged the lease.
We moved in together, I tried to sort out what had happened at the festival, but she was putting all the blame on me and so i just left it. Ever since then my life has been hell. She would leave the room when I would walk in, herself and the other girl would exclude me from things they were doing. She would make negative comments to me if she bothered to enter into conversation with me at all. It was so odd. subtle enough to make me wonder was I going crazy. Gradually my self esteem has been eroded. I became so lonely and self hating. I didn’t understand how such a good friend could hate me so suddenly. I’ve become preoccupied with it all and really quite depressed.
I avoided confronting her about it because I was afraid I’d make the situation worse. Her boyfriend and mine have recently moved in together, which makes me feel sick because now there’s just no avoiding her, even at weekends. I eventually confronted her about it, via email when she was away for a few days. She said there were a series of incidences which made her feel I wasn’t a good friend, like the festival and me just not mucking in with household duties like buying bin bags and cutlery for our new house. Nonsense really as I’ve bought plenty for the house that I found for all of us and later i found out we’d never needed or bought cutlery for the house. So they were just bullshit reasons to end a friendship really. She said she jst wanted to pull back from the friendship and that was why she’d treated me how she had done. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way she treated me. I can’t abide people ever being left out or feeling worthless and disliked and this is exactly how she made me feel.
I have just moved out of the house because I can’t handle it any longer. But my dilemma is that I still have to see her when I go to my boyfriend’s at weekends. it makes me feel sick. I don’t want to have to see her at all anymore and just don’t know how to act when I’m around her. I’m also worried it may affect my relationship with my boyfriend as i don’t want to be at his house and concerned with the knock on effect it may have on his friendship. Apologies for such a long winded post!
I went through a very similar situation with my former friends. I met A thru mutual friends and we have children the same ages. We started hanging out together along with our families. I always knew that A was a shrewd social climber and never completely trusted her as a BFF. Things started going downhill when I introduced A to C. C also have children the same ages and I thought it would be great to all hang out together. After a while A started getting close to C and I’m out of the picture. My family and I started seeing less and less of them. Even my kids said they felt left out. The breaking point came when they lied about a trip A & C took together. They were hoping that I would not find out, I found out through the kids who didn’t know they shouldn’t talk. A pretended that she told me and C said she just didn’t think I was interested. I remained civil, never confronted them even though sometimes I wish I did. However, I think my resentment came through when I spent time with them. Eventually we stopped all contacts. The children do play together sometimes.
My idea of friendship would be the more the merrier, that’s why I tend to introduce my friends who I think will get along. I didn’t think I would be dumped like that. At the end of the day, A & C are selfish and self-serving. They have what they need and there’s no loyalty to anyone else. I’m cast aside because I won’t go along and play nice and pretend I’m not the third wheel. But I can’t accept being lied to. I don’t use my friends and ask for any favors, I just want to enjoy their company and hopefully they enjoy mine. But apparently, not everyone feel the same way.
I read that mean girls exclude people because they need to be in control. I’ve never called them out on their little game or confronted them. I felt that they wanted to dump me for whatever reason, I really don’t want to be needy and clingy. I wouldn’t extend an olive branch in this situation and talk it over because I don’t think they will admit any fault. I’m very independent and have moved on to spend time on other friendships that are more enjoyable. Kind, considerate people and no mind games.
I wouldn’t lie that being dumped didn’t bother me. As far as I knew, the only “offensive” thing that I did was not playing along and pretended everything was rosy. Although I suppose they could have a million reasons not to like me, even though we were friends for many years by the time we parted ways. It is what it is, I miss the social aspects of spending time with these people, but I don’t miss the disingenuous people themselves.
Your college friend has been trying to dump you and hoping you’ll get the message and leave her alone. And honestly, if I were you, I would move on. Unfortunately, friendships can’t be one-sided. Be civil and friendly when you run into her, but stop expecting anything from her, you will only be disappointed.
Wow. You have inspired me to write you a response. Not that i am anything special…But you are. You are honest, compassionate and well… just really honest- if what you write is true. You simple want to know why and i will tell you my opinion: People can be very selfish and self centered. And mostly just plain crazy enough in the head to continually enjoy playing head games with other people…like you. It seems your friend chooses her friends the same way she picks out what fashion she would like to wear. And i’m sorry to say but when you first were her friend and were going along with the program…and being her best friend forever exclusively then you were a perfect fit. When you stopped being fascinated with the lights and actions of your new perfect funny friend and decided to see other people…. Well that was the beginning of the end. And to prove her strength this supposedly perfect person has stolen your newest buddy and made her one of her own… to replace you. And she can’t have you around calling her out on her BS. That’s a no-no. after all who are you?? no one to her- just a pawn who won’t stay in her place where she puts you. You wrote that your friend had a way of talking badly about your other friends and you still continued to hang out with her and even stopped being with the friends she spoke poorly of. Well…you know what they say…what comes around goes around. I’m not trying to say you deserved any of this. I’m just trying to make sure you understand whats going on here. As far as continuing to be friends with these people….Well, you are putting yourself into your own prison. And from the outside looking in…I think you need to break out. Put a lot of distance between you and these emotional eff’d up friendships. IOW: RUN–Get as far away from this person as you can. Don’t call or return calls. If you see them be polite but distant. Except no invitations. Just walk away. This is your life and your happiness and your wasting it on a headcase. You are a good person. I can tell just from the clear way you write. We all want to be excepted. We all are lonely at times. Please just try to let go. Try to let go. LET GO. There are healthier people out there to be friends with. They may not be as exciting but you’ll keep your sanity. Good Luck:)
Honestly? I think you know what’s going on-she’s started college, and for some reason, has dumped you as a friend. Hey, I know something about it; my boyfriend, who was a year ahead of me in high school, broke up with me two weeks before he left for college, AND avoided seeing me for weeks during the summer.
She’s playing hot-and-cold with you, thinking she’s making you think she cares for you when you leave a game early (when she actually doesn’t…that’s a mind game). The answer, especially since you’re going to be going to the same small college after high school, and have some of the same social circle, is to “play it cool”. Meaning, don’t let her see you upset. Start branching out with other friends, and make other plans.
If you go to this dance competition, that doesn’t mean you have to sit next to your friend, or talk to her or try to get her attention. Be polite, be civil and IGNORE her. Pay attention to the friend you do go with. She’s doing a classic break-up game where she’s trying to put the break-up on your shoulders so she’s not the bad guy.
Have your mutual friends noticed her behavior? Have you asked them “what’s up with Janey, she’s acting like a stranger” to you?
In the meantime, stop pursuing her. That gives her the power in the friendship. I’m sorry this has happened to you.
My best friend and I have been friends since i was a freshman and she was a sophmore in highschool. We had almost everything in common except movies, she liked Chick Flicks and i liked science fiction. During the summer of my senior year, after my friend graudated high school, things started getting weird. She was working at her mother’s daycare and always said she was on “break” when i called and then after a few minutes said she had to leave. She was always busy, even weekends. Any time i tried to make plans with her to come over and watch a movie, go swimming, or whatever, there always was a stupid excuse like she was picking onions in their garden. Since she couldn’t make it, my mom and i decided to go to town instead, when we drove past their house, they were not picking onions. Finally i got sick of calling and her nonresponse if she missed a call. My mom (not to my knowledge until later) talked to the girl’s mom and mentioned how we never talk. The mother told my friend, and then tatta! she called. Things were okay again… for about two weeks. By the end of the summer we hadn’t done much together, and even events that i specicfically planned and invited people that she was also friends with, she would cancel the day of. She started saying she was busy packing for college for weeks. She was going to school about twenty minutes from home, how much packing does she need, and how long does it take to pack that much. I dreaded my first day of school for my senior year. My best friend wasn’t going to be there. We aggreed that to talk at five the frist day of school. I wait at home after school that first day and call her. She answeres, but after about five minutes says she has to go. The next day at five, i call her. She says it’s best if i only call her on weekends. Is that what i’ve been resorted to? A weekend friend, a friend on convience? W used to talk all the time during school, and then talk in the evening again on the phone. I would send her emails, always asking what she was doing on the weekends from August until November, always getting the same answer, busy with this or that. At one point in the begining of November, i asked her if something was wrong. I tried callling on weekends, and never got an answer, they have caller ID, so i don’t bother leaving a message. There were times when i would call and her mom would pickup. It was 11 and she would still be sleeping. Hum… her mother never lets them sleep in past 8 or 9, what gives. Plus her mom wouldn’t give the message or she just wouldn’t call, because i wouldn’t recieve a call back. When it was her birthday, i called her to wish her happy birthday and asked her when i should drop off her gift. She said friday morning. At school on Wednesday, a friend of both of ours came up to me during band class and asked if i was going. I asked “To what?” SHe turnes to my friend’s sister and says, “She’s her best friend.” I leave. Here, i later learned, they were going to a movie for my firend’s birhday on friday, not inviting me. My firend an i always talk about going to see the new sherlock holms movie together. When it came out, i saw on facebook that a friend of ours wrote on my friends wall that they were going to see the movie on friday (it was thursday that it was posted). I called that weekend, and my friend lied, saying that it was a spur of the moment thing and that the other friend called and said that they were going to go and be ready in a bit. What does spur of the moment thing mean? I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t include somthing that is known about for a day in advance. Our school plays pep band for the sports games, every time that my friend comes to them, she brings a friend from college or ditches me. Once was talking ot my friend in the halls with her college freind and i saw our music teacher struggling to move the clavinova, so i helped push it back to the band room, when i returned to the spot were my friend was before, she was gone. I left the game because i had a big physics test the next day and later learned that the friend got mad because i left. She left me! The next game, she went and left the band room with another student from my school and sat in the middle of all the high school students. There was no way i could sit with her. I hung out with a friend until the dance team performed, the got up to leave. My friend again got upset that i was leaving and didn’t talk to her. I was SICK!! I didn’t want to stay as long as i even did, all i wanted to do was sleep! At the band concert the next night i gave my friend her christmas gift, she said tha she would drop mine off if she had a chance or she would send it to school with her sister. On my bithday, right before school ended for christmas, i get my gift from her. It wasn’t wraped and it was a pre-package thing of socks, lotion and body spray that you get at walmart. THat was my birthday/christmas gift. No i’m not greedy, but it would have been nice if she would have wraped it or even brought it to me herself. SHe also used to make hand made cards with pictures of us. Nope not this time. Also, i recieved no call or anything from her saying happy birthday. I felt hurt. I sent her an email saying thanks for the gift. That is the last i’ve heard from her since december 22, and it’s now jan. 15. Another friend of mine wants me to go see the dance state competion, but i don’t know if i want ot go. my “friend’s” sister is on the team, so my “friend will be there. I don’t know if i should just ask what’s going on, but i’m too scared too. I’ve spent hours thinking about it since things have stated going downhill since this summer, but i’m scared about the answer. Plus, i’m going to the same college that she’s attending next year, and it’s a small school. I’m worried about how things will go.
I too have dealt with a similar situation. It has taken me 4 years to accept that a close, amazing friendship I had is over (yes, i blew it badly) and now I am into another one where the same feelings have raised there ugly head.
I think when you choose a friend of the same sex you need to decide where it is going to go in your mind. If you know they are “straight” you need to decide if you are willing to act in a manner they would expect of a friend. obviously he had made it clear he was not interested in anything other than a platonic friendship and your slip of the tongue at your family’s party caused him to feel somewhat betrayed, to feel as though you did not respect his wishes. It caused him to wonder about your motivation for the friendship.
I am going through it again right now with another male at work. We get along VERY well, both enjoy great games of pool and play probably an hour a day. He appears very willing to do this every day, however, I keep wondering when he will suddenly turn around and tire of this activity. So far, he shows no sign of pulling back on the pool games and their frequency, just my insecurities showing through I guess.
We use MS communicator a great deal at work making small talk and joking, however, I wonder at times if this is too much of a good thing. I have never, nor will I ever express to him my deepest feelings toward him because I want so much to respect his wishes and honour him as a close, tight friend. However, I will confess it is difficult because I and it sounds like you too put our full emotional beings into our friendships, especially ones so strong and close.
I have to be careful of expressing emotions which may come across in a manner that he may feel are not “masculine” and put him “on his guard”, however, I wear my emotions on my sleeve sometimes and it comes across during our epop sessions quite by accident if I am not careful….opps/
On Monday, I have decided I am NOT going to initiate any epops or email or any contact with him, I am going to give him space and just see how long it takes for him to contact me and suggest a game of pool or going for a latte as we have done recently.
I am still trying to determine if he wants just a work friendship or if we can take this outside of work. It has been a year since we hooked up as friends and it has been amazing, talking, laughing, playing pool, but, am I expecting too much?
I am trying to remember from the first two times this has happened some very simple rules: Take it one day at a time and try not to push, give him space and time AND most importantly, make sure my motivation is never anything more than to really enjoy a true, close platonic friendship that brings its own wonderful rewards and above all, to respect and honour his wishes.
I too have dealt with a similar situation. It has taken me 4 years to accept that a close, amazing friendship I had is over (yes, i blew it badly) and now I am into another one where the same feelings have raised there ugly head.
I think when you choose a friend of the same sex you need to decide where it is going to go in your mind. If you know they are “straight” you need to decide if you are willing to act in a manner they would expect of a friend. obviously he had made it clear he was not interested in anything other than a platonic friendship and your slip of the tongue at your family’s party caused him to feel somewhat betrayed, to feel as though you did not respect his wishes. It caused him to wonder about your motivation for the friendship.
I am going through it again right now with another male at work. We get along VERY well, both enjoy great games of pool and play probably an hour a day. He appears very willing to do this every day, however, I keep wondering when he will suddenly turn around and tire of this activity. So far, he shows no sign of pulling back on the pool games and their frequency, just my insecurities showing through I guess.
We use MS communicator a great deal at work making small talk and joking, however, I wonder at times if this is too much of a good thing. I have never, nor will I ever express to him my deepest feelings toward him because I want so much to respect his wishes and honour him as a close, tight friend. However, I will confess it is difficult because I and it sounds like you too put our full emotional beings into our friendships, especially ones so strong and close.
I have to be careful of expressing emotions which may come across in a manner that he may feel are not “masculine” and put him “on his guard”, however, I wear my emotions on my sleeve sometimes and it comes across during our epop sessions quite by accident if I am not careful….opps/
On Monday, I have decided I am NOT going to initiate any epops or email or any contact with him, I am going to give him space and just see how long it takes for him to contact me and suggest a game of pool or going for a latte as we have done recently.
I am still trying to determine if he wants just a work friendship or if we can take this outside of work. It has been a year since we hooked up as friends and it has been amazing, talking, laughing, playing pool, but, am I expecting too much?
I am trying to remember from the first two times this has happened some very simple rules: Take it one day at a time and try not to push, give him space and time AND most importantly, make sure my motivation is never anything more than to really enjoy a true, close platonic friendship that brings its own wonderful rewards and above all, to respect and honour his wishes.
7 years ago when my children were younger, I met another mom and we became friends. She had just moved to the neighborhood and was looking for a close, intense friendship. She would call every day and wanted to get together as couples every weekend. Our husbands got along well and so it was an easy fit. I gradually began paying less attention to my old friends as this friend seemed so fun. Furthermore, she would badmouth all of my old friends and never wanted to include them in our gatherings. She is incredibly narcisistic and superficial but quite fun to be around as she has a terrific sense of humour. Eventually though, I soon began to tire of her inability to really care about my life and the fact that she always wanted me to do things for her. For a few years I was doing free afterschool daycare for her once a week and in the summers. She never once showed an interest in having my kids over and even when she was around them she wasn’t very interested.She always said she wasn’t a “kid” person. Her focus was often about how cute and
talented her own children were. Anyway, I started to gradually pull away and form friendships with other people. She found out about these friendships and quickly discounted these people. she would put them down often and wouldn’t want to associate with them.These were lovely, kind people who were incredibly smart and together people. I realize now that she was jealous. There was one friend that i introduced her to that she did like however. She quickly moved in on her life in a similar manner to how she moved into mine initially. With no regard for my feelings. Because she can be so dynamic at first, people are blinded to her faults. Before long, the two friends began doing things together and leaving me out. I tried to hang in there because of my other friend but I was increasingly getting jealous when i would hear about everything they did together. The jealousy brought out a different side to me and eventually led to angry outbursts that seemed childish. I would lash out at my friend for not sticking up for me and including me in her outings with selfish friend. The two of them are connected to a wider circle of friends which just increased my feeling of isolation. For two years i would be in emotional turmoil, letting them control my emotions.If they included me, i would want to go and be with them but at the same time felt angy and distrustful of them. I always felt on edge around them and a little competetive. They started to complain that i was acting wierder and wierder without taking any ownership of why that would be. Now i do not talk to one of the friends and the other one only calls me when she is bored on the way to work. Anytime I ask her to do stuff she says she is busy. She will throw me the token “bone” of having a coffee together but when it comes to being invited over with the rest of the group she doesn’t ask me. She will phone to borrow my clothes when she needs something to wear and i was eagerly saying yes, hoping that our friendship would go back to the way it was. Unfortunately she continued to have all the control. When i spoke to her about it she lashed out at me and said that she couldn’t keep up with my criteria for friendship. She is too busy with her full-time job, kids activities etc.to deal with my needs as well. She seems to be able to make time for other people in her life and i am sick of hearing her talk about what she did with her other friends including the selfish friend. In 8 months she hasn’t initiated one get-together with me, other than dropping by for a coffee once for an hour. I have asked her over a few times and she did come but it wasn’t the same. My intuition was telling me that she doesn’t want close friendship anymore but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings as we live in the same community. She has told other people that i am too needy for her. Why then does she call me on the way to work and ask to borrow my clothes? Why doesn’t she call her other friends for those things. What is the point? She is getting her needs met in the friendship with me and i am not getting anything except being hurt. Do i expect too much from the friendship? We live a block away from each other… is it too much to ask to do one thing in 3 months? Is it too much for her to initiate a get-together? I was there for her when she didn’t know anyone else ,years ago, and now that she has made other new friends, i have been thrown away like garbage. Not only is she unwilling to admit she dumped me, she is trying to turn it into being my fault. Like my expectations of the friendship are too great. The more I try to explain my position to her, the more she dismisses me and says that i create too much drama. My only choice is to walk away like i did before but then she reels me back in. It is like she wants me there waiting in the background but if i expect too much from her she can’t handle it. She is moody to me sometimes and very detatched but then super nice to her new friends. She has them over all the time. The new friends now think there must be something wrong with me because she never has me around. The only thing i did wrong was be a pleaser for so many years and then it got confusing to her when i started standing up for myself. I guess I wanted to help her by doing free daycare but my husband started to feel like we were being used. Once we stopped that, the friendship changed. She said she felt hurt that we would charge her because friends do stuff for each other. I agree with that but it should be a mutual friendship. Eventually one gets tired of being the only giver. I am a pleaser and it confuses people when i eventually get mad about being treated like a doormat. From now on, I am not going to get myself into these situations and i am going to stay away from users. Sometimes it is hard to tell if they are users or not until it is too late. I ended up getting mad at both of them and i wish that i hadnt. I wish that i hadn’t told both of them off and rather dealt with it in a calm manner. Now they are just laughing about how crazy i am in the way that i exploded on them for no reason. They have told others in the community and now we are not included in certain group functions. Even my husband has insinuated that i am crazy for confronting these two ladies when everyone else seems to tolerate them. They hurt me so badly that i just couldn’t help myself. Now the situation is worse and i look like the crazy one. They have not apologized for anything and they continue to leave me out. I have other friends but now they are starting to invite them out with them too. I guess i need to just leave it be for awhile and focus on other good, kind friends whom i can trust. What bothers me is that i still crave their friendship and approval even though i know they don’t deserve it. Why is this?
She does drink a lot and has been known to fight… But not for a long time. I agree… The last thing I need is drama on my wedding day. I feel really sad and broken hearted about the whole thing but that negativity isn’t healthy.
It could be she is angry or maybe even embarrassed. Getting drunk and starting fights isn’t exactly mature behavior. Has she always acted like this, or could she be having some problems in her life right now? I’d back off for a few days and give her some space before trying to contact her again. I’d also be worried about how this will play out at the wedding if your coworkers are there as well.
Hi! I need some advice. My best friend whom I have been extreamly close with since childhood has recently stopped talking to me. She lives out of town and was visiting so for new years we went to a dance with a few work friends. We both got extreamly drunk and my fiancé came to pick us up early after I called him. As I was getting my coat my friend and one of my coworkers started exchanging words and having a cat fight. A hair pulling, punching rowdy cat fight. I was trying to split it up but was held back and after it was seperated we went back to my place. I tried to talk to her but she was mad and yelling at me because I didn’t help her in the fight. She then got mad and started punching and pushing me! My fiancé took her and drove her home. Now she won’t return my calls or texts. She was going to be the maid of honor in my wedding in 6 months and we have been so close for so long. I am also really good friends with my coworkers and am trying to stay out of the middle. I just dont understand and don’t know where to go from here! Help!
From what you’ve written, it sounds like you know that your neighbor wasn’t equally invested in your friendship as you were. It sounds like you were dependent on her for more than she was willing to give, or that she realized she was ready for, or something like that. I think you need to give yourself permission to let go, & to think over what she did wrong, and how you may have contributed, and that if a friend breaks up with you, it’s not that you’re a terrible, horrible person.
Hi there….
These many posts have helped me tremendously and I thank each of you.
My neighbor and I became very close after they got a dog. Long story short, we started walking the dogs together and talking and became close. We texted and e-mailed each other a lot even though I initiated a lot of the texts or e-mails. One thing that bothered me was that if she needed a favor, she always knew how to ask me. I initiated going to a movie twice and we did in the beginning, but then suggested we do other things like going for lunch or for coffee, etc and she always had some reason for not ultimately being able to make it. I thought I would just not say anything anymore and wait to see if she ever asked me to do something outside of walking the dogs. Nothing happend.
Then her family had to rent out their house next to ours in June and moved out of state for some military training college. They are supposed to come back.
After they moved, we still talked on the phone and texted pretty regularly for about two months. Then my husband and I were out of town and I had tenants flaking on me the day before we left and I was very upset. I called her and she had a non-chalant attitude about it and I was apologizing for being so sensitive and crying and it seemed like she didn’t want to deal with it really.
I had gotten terribly drunk on vacation and texted her that she was selfish. The next morning I immediately called her and apologized and was crying. I have apologized profusely and during the last 2.5 months, she distanced herself, quit texting unless I initiated it, Told me she wanted a texting break and then another time told me she was bombarded with texts from others and couldn’t keep up and needed another texting break. In other words, she just didn’t really want to deal with me.
About 10 days ago, I was watching a chick flick and I texted her about the show and I still considered her my sis. We had been callling each other sis, sister, etc Her response to that text was simply I hope you and your dog have fun playing in the snow….nothing about what I said. I just texted that I give up and that I have tried and tried to repair my fault, but she isn’t accepting my apology; I’ve wanted to talk on the phone about things but she obviously did not want to. Finally I get this e-mail from her last week saying “This relationship is not health for me. I am sorry. I am cutting the tie now”
Any thoughts out there on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks bunches…
I was recently dumped by a friend of four years and for a good reason, I made sure to get dumped for a reason because I didn’t want to have no closure whatsoever. She had been distancing herself from me for several months and acting in an odd way every time I tried to contact her and to be nice to her. I tried many times to let go, but in the end I decided to do something that would most definitely get her to break up. That thing was to get my rights from her as she had done something professionally unethical and took advantage of this friendship. That person definitly fits in the category of a narcissist as she got her own closure from me and is not giving it back to me by explaining specifically why she no longer wished to be my friend but just hinting at the fact that she is too busy. I think there is a deeper reason than that and I am a big fan of the saying:"When there is a will, there is a way". It is not too much to ask 5 minutes from the time of a friend to have a conversation every four months, just to maintain the friendship. She is acting as if she no longer has those five minutes. That person was the reason why I moved within the neighborhood to a different community to be closer to her. She took that for granted and didn’t even come to visit me that often since I moved. I am glad I moved to that community for other reasons (more amenities, younger people), but still. She only came to visit me about three times over the past four years!! Well, that’s excluding the times she just passed by to pick me up to go see a movie. Anyways, it is very clear to me now that this person has no regards for others’ feelings and is a vicious person in every way. I am glad I found this out sooner than later. Four years is already too long to figure this out. I guess I had forgotten about her about a year ago, when she didn’t make any effort to meet with me at a conference in which I practically knew no one else. I was very hurt, but was able to forget that she even existed (I sure hope I can achieve that now!). A few months later, she passed by and saw me, honked the horn of her car and called me. It seemed she had forgotten what she had done and wanted my attention again. Things got better after that, but then she started distancing herself again after she had asked me to do her a favor. I didn’t get any credit and that’s exactly what lead to this breakup. I don’t have any regrets for getting my rights, I only regret the fact that I can no longer contact her and tell her that what I did was solely to get my rights back rather than harm anyone and that I have no real interest in being her friend anymore. Instead, she just blocked me from her facebook and I have no courage anymore to contact her. I would definitely call this behavior narcissistic. I saw her a couple of times recently and she seemed to be leading a normal life as if nothing happened. I appreciate any comments on this and I would like to be in a group that supports victims of narcissistic behaviors. Though I would much rather not call myself a victim anymore and move on. Thanks!
HI,
I didnt mean the drug addict friend was co-dependent, but the friend who posted, putting up with it, being there for her despite the lack of reciprocity she was receiving in the friendship.
Thought I’d throw my two cents in, as I seem to be the only guy posting here.
I became good friends with a guy at work. We would talk a lot at and outside of work, on the phone, etc. In one of our conversations he told me he knew I’d had a crush on him (to which I’d said it was closer to love, but it wasn’t anything I wanted to pursue, because I knew he was straight). He seemed okay with this, until he came to a party with my family and I’d told him some from my family thought we were a couple, and I jokingly said it wouldn’t bother me if we were (yes, I know, stupid thing to say).
It’s been months, and he avoids spending any time talking with me at work, will only rarely call me, we will exchange texts, but only if I initiate them. He keeps insisting we’re still friends, but I’ve noticed a very pronounced difference in his demeanor when greeting his other friends at work and me. So tired of assuming we’re friends (because he says so), exchanging texts and the odd (rare) phone call, but then have him virtually ignore me at work.
On a recent Saturday I’d rented a car that I’m considering purchasing.
I drove it to work in order to take it along the same route to get a feel how it handled on familiar roads. I stopped inside because I noticed my friend was still at work (he’d expressed quite a bit of interest in the brand so thought he’d like to check it out), he was not expecting to see me, but the look on his face when I showed up spoke volumes ( oh great, it’s you ). I was taken aback, but I ignored his reaction and told the two other nearby coworkers in the office about the car. My friend went outside to see the car only after the other two people in the office left him alone to check it out. He acted distrustful and cold towards me the whole time we were outside.
We talked once on the phone after that, then the next day he started ignoring/avoiding me again, txts went unanswered and at most he would say ‘hi’ and ‘have a good night’.
I don’t want to give up on the friendship, but I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.
I’m Brittany, if so. Let me know!
Want to facebook? Let me know!
I was friend dumped to my three best friends of 4 years all just stopped talking to me and every time i would call they wouldn’t answer which i thought their phone was not on them but they jus told me today that they have been ignoring me I don’t even know what I did… It really sucks then I confront them and ask and they say that i’m immature, retarded, and all sorts of names they have also been posting on facebook on how much fun they are having….
I agree with your understanding of what codependency is and how one acts. When a codependent person starts to stand up for themself usually their one time friends disappear. They are use to being able to walk all over such person and when they find out they can’t anymore the dynamics of the friendship is different. Kind of like when a person stop drinking alcohol, and they had all kinds of good buddies when they drank and would buy the booze but once that stops their so called friends disappear.
You said, “The drug addict friend sounded like a co-dependent thing, your friend probably loves you but cares more about drugs,”
However, the original poster said,
“We were friend for over three years and in the beginning she was so horrible to me,yelling for every mistake I did and she was also worried I was there to take her spot. When she realised I wasnt we became the bestest friends.She had a drug problem which made her irritable during day and she dould be so mean someimes “
If her drug addicted friend was truly codependent, she would not have repeatedly or consistently acted “mean” or “cold,” nor would she have been blunt and “yelled at her friend for every mistake she ever did.”
Co-dependents are scared to death of confrontation and being blunt with people, and they are deeply afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, which means it is very, very, very rare for them to be bold, direct, yell at people, criticize them, yell at them, or tell them what their mistakes are.
If her friend was a codependent, she actually would have behaved in the direct opposite manner as described in the post.
She would have been very loving and sweet all the time (no matter how angry or upset she felt) and she would have gone to great lengths to avoid confrontations, fights, or saying anything negative about or to her friend.
Terrific advice. So true. I’m not the person who wrote the original post, but I am chiming in to say that you have helped ME. I hope the original poster is helped as well. Thank you.
I think you just had some hard knocks. As for your old boss telling your friends not to speak with you it seems they tried to hang on to the ties, but a dysfuncational person such as your boss can really put fear into employees. It is easy to be idealistic about they should stick up for you but when you are in a situation like that, well, they probably kicked in survival mode. Plus you never know the horrible things the boss may have said about you. The drug addict friend sounded like a co-dependent thing, your friend probably loves you but cares more about drugs, which is the nature of the disease. What I am trying to say is that it seems you are a good person who is learning boundaries, that has the ability to make friends. The more healthy boundaries become internalized, the more you will attract healhty people into your life. Try not to become bitter, just in your new friendships try not to have them be mostly based on what you do for the person. Occasionally you will get hurt again, but you’ll fet better, and yes, sometimes you have to be a little bitchy, just don’t be when you dont have to 🙂
I would like to tell you about this reaccuring pattern that happens in my life and I would like to know how could I change.
In my early 20s I moved to England to work in horseindustry and had fantastic time at first, I had friends who used to work with me and we had great time. After soem time I decided to leave my work because I felt my boss was taking advantage of me financially and we really didn’t get a long.
One previous worker offered me a job elsewhere with better pay and I decided to leave.I gave week/two weeks notice wich was more than required three days. My boss went mental and accused me of not being loyal and that money wasnt everything( bit rich when he kept me working on my own for a month without day off so that he could save money) I apologised so many times,I was so young and didnt understand what I had done wrong.
I left and I heard later from my friends that this boss had told them not to keep any contact with me. I was so angry about this and couldnt believe it but my friends still hanged out with me as long as old boss didnt know about it.
One time I was in a taxi going to a bar with my friend(she was over 40 but she always asked me out and we had good time together) when she told me to get out of the taxi a block earlier so if the boss happens to be in this bar, she can pretend she had know idea why I would be there.I was so hurt by this,why didnt anyone stick up for me?? but felt like I better do it,didnt want to cause any troubles.
Another girl(nearly 30) seemed not care at first she was like a sister to me and we always kept in touch.A year went by and our mutual friend who use to work in the same place had his birthday party and we all were invited.I said I prob will not come because I knew my ex boss would be there and my friend said who cares come it would be so nice and kept asking me until I said yes.
So imagine my surprise when I saw her at the party,she gave me very official greeting and after that I never saw her again.She had promised me a lift home but completely dumbt me then and there and I didint understand at all. I later thought that she probably simply didnt want to be seen with me which was ironic because my ex-boss seemed to have buried the hatched and we had a chat at the party.
Next day my friend called apologising for leaving me there without saying good bye and all that crap.I was so full of cold fury that I ended the call politely saying I have to get back to work and never talked to her again.
Third girl from the same place had done the same thing, we were good friends,the best and she told me not to text her anymore. During a year I sent her two or three just to see how is she and she never replied and then year later she sees me at this party and says “give me a call sometime” .
I never did,I was so hurt and pissed off. I also had these two girlfriends(different times) who acted like they were my best friends and all of a sudden drobbed all contact with me. I later understood they were friends with me because they fancied my malefriends and when it didint work out for them there was no need for me.
This seems to happen a lot to me, girls I feel I really get a long with dumb me like that,i dont understand it.I sometimes feel i have a stamp on my forhead saying use me.
And what happened to friends always stick up for you? NONE of my friends never done this.And when ever I meet women for the first time,they look at me up and down and decide then and there they wont speak to me or they are so cold towards me.I am not stunning beauty just normal girl wearing jeans and top and no one seem to like me.
I also were really good friends with my co worker in my new work, and we were so close knit, work hard together and went out,did everything together. We were friend for over three years and in the beginning she was so horrible to me,yelling for every mistake I did and she was also worried I was there to take her spot.
When she realised I wasnt we became the bestest friends.She had a drug problem which made her irritable during day and she dould be so mean someimes but I knew she didint mean it.When I left this workplace she was so upset and so was I, I gave her money to sort out her debt with her drug supplier and we kept in contact.
Then once I got cranky with her for keeping me waiting when she was suppose to come and see me( i have never treated her the way she use to treat me) but we made up. However after calling her once after she was very cold and I felt like this was the end of it.I moved countries and years later found her on face book.She accepted my friend request but never wrote back to me.
Girls I dont understand them,they all seem to hate me.With boys I am absolutely fine.
I feel everyone is out to get me,my bosses love me because I work hard but god forbid if I dare to ask a raise.They save money on having one less worker because i work that hard so am i not entitled to even ask?I was also babysitting 2-3 times a week for my bosses after work for free until after a year I decided enough with endless “favours” and asked to be paid from then on.She became very cold towards me and made the other girl babysit for them.
I am now doing completely other kind of work and the same seem to continue, I am a hell of a worker and my boss says how im the best he ever had.I work with another man and he has worked there a lot longer than I have.My boss gives him beer money, christmass bonuses and holiday cash and I have never received any extra money,there is only two of us working there.
I feel like I have to become bitchy and mean just to survive in this world.
We were 4 friends working together. Neither of us was a slimmer of the year, two were 12-14, and me and my ex-friend were 18/20. I caught my friend (lets cal her X) many times ogling me not in a nice way – as in comparing who is bigger, i.e. fatter. We are completely different shape, she’s a pear with huge bum and massive tights but smaller on the top – and i am an apple, more or less fat all over. I’m 20, she is top 18, bottom 24. But so what! I have never compared myself to any fat or skinny person, because it’s unethical to start with – and unfair to the other person (should they be bigger, or worse in life etc), and it would be a massive insult to them if they caught me doing that. I’d never do things to other people I don’t want to experience myself, this is strongly ingrained in me. So it was a shocker to have caught her doing that – and many times more. I was upset but didn’t take that up with her, just wrote if off as something that insecure people do. Then in 2007 we went together on holiday, overseas. She was breaking up with her then boyfriend, not for the first time. She would still call him every night, as me and other 2 friends later realised she didn’t want to break with him. One night he told her that when she comes home she won’t find him. She fell apart; locked herself in bathroom and cried for hours; i was talking to her all night until I lost my voice trying to reason with her and lighten her up and show her the light in the tunnel. Next morning I was already the the sea, right by the hotel. She came out much later, dressed up to nines because she is way too conscious to undress on the beach – long trousers, long sleeves… She was on the phone for hours crying on the shoulders of all other friends back home. When we came back her boyfriend was still there and they didn’t split for another 1.5 years which was just as well – he wasn’t the worst person in the world. One day soon after holidays I went to get some pics from her camera and share mine. She said she had had shown the picks at work already (I had left that company by that time) – to everyone. She showed me pics on her PC. I had a shock of my life when I saw 3 pics of me in swimming suit coming out of the sea. I was gob-smacked, hurt and felt betrayed. She took them without me knowing while sitting under umbrella and supposedly pouring her heart to other girls. She knows that I am too a bit conscious of my body and wouldn’t advertise myself in pics while in swimming suit. To do that while herself fully dressed in a blighting heat… And then tale pleasure showing to everyone, including her boyfriend, people (especially men) at work – including one guy who really fancied me a lot. I was numb. I asked why would she take such pictures when she wouldn’t even undress on the beach where nobody knows her – and then why would she show them around at work? Her boyfriend stepped in and said: ‘Really, why on earth? Delete them!’. Every few months 4 of us, friends, used to do cook-ups. One would cook a dinner and we would come for a sleepover. We ate, drank, and played board games. 1,5 years later there was such dinner night at X’s house. As a part of entertainment she put a slide show of all pics on her PC – holidays, parties, trips, etc. Guess what – my pics in swimming suit were still there. she is a fussy eater and wouldn’t eat many things, including cream or any creamy sauces. When another of my 3 friends did the very 1st such dinner, she cooked her national dish with rich creamy sauce. Guess what – X ate it with gusto and didn’t complain. my turn was alMost a year later. The girls were late over an hour, they were coming together – X made a stop at grocer’s and bought some dips, pita bread and two frozen pizzas. Just in case. She never did that to the other two. This was not the first time I cooked a meal for her so she knew very well that I am aware of her preferences – and still went on to insult me with her frozen pizzas. Last year she started behaving strangely. She found a new guy and in no time he moved in with her. Except we were never introduced, as one would expect. Eventually we met up and the other two started teasing her about this secret boyfriend of hers. It was a joke – we have seen his pics. Still, she was very vague and insisted she is very busy and she hasn’t got much space to accommodate us all in her place comfortably. What a nonsense, there are plenty of places to have friendly lunch, or even picnic in the park. She was obviously dragging her leg – which neither of us could understand why. Eventually she met up with the 3rd of us 4 – the one and only married (lets call her Z) – and 2 couples had a nice time. Me and the other single friend felt left out in a most unfriendly way. X started calling me more often, but had little to say. She would call during breaks at work, 2 -3 times, then on the way home, then when home… Eventually I confronted her that she is filling her time by calling me but she hasn’t got much to say – she laughed, admitted her ‘fault’ and that was it. But I was getting uneasy – something was amiss, we never had something like this before, never ever short of what to talk about. She was changing. She also became avery impatient, suspicious, almost paranoid and very inconsiderate (ah, old news…). She was playing some game on the iphone with another girl (let’s call her Y). Once while at mine they had an argument over it and while clearly a cheat she accused the other girl of cheating – that was when that girl was checking train times for X! X said ‘you bitch! u r cheating!’. It was so out of order, me and Y discussed these X’s changes many times. There were many more small unpleasant things. She knew all my private life unlike the other two (Y and Z). She carelessly spilt one of my deepest secret once to the other two. Another time we had a trio conversation on facebook while Y was at mine. X was very bitchy towards me, taking a piss and ridiculing me. Our friends whom we have plenty having worked together must have had an eyeful when they read out dialogue on her wall… Then she went to watch horror movie with Y and met her new boyfriend who was on the way home – so now both Y and Z have met him, except me. X never made any attempt to do anything about it and obviously I felt a bit left out. All these things – there were many more incidents – resulted in me not answering her calls and texts. That was a 2 week stand-of. Then I decided – ok, lets all meet up. I send an email round regarding a certain restaurant. To avoid an awkward silence I thought I’ll write her an e-mail to clear the air. I asked her what happened, what made her change so much? I told her I appreciate that meeting new boyfriend and moving in together is an important step in every couple’s life – but the way she was excluding me was out of order. I asked her questions about most of these incidents that were bothering me. The answer came the same night – a day prior to our planned dinner. I received a shock of my life, She told me that she never expected me to be such liar and distort facts so much and accuse her of non-existent faults – and suggested this is the time we should part and walk opposite directions. I could not believe my eyes what I was reading. The best defence is offence! Never expected to experience that from a friend whom I knew and kept close to my heart for 9 years. I wrote back – asking more questions, including why it’s easier for her to quit on me rather than clear the air. To which she responded with the same non-specific bla-bla and this time went further saying that she clearly doesn’t need a friend like me. Whoa! I was hurt and shocked. Still am. I wrote back, reasoning with her. I brought up that beach incident – that I never made a scene, however unhappy I was and that I forgave her because besides that and other incidents there were also many good times, memories and that friendship bond… Her answer was that she doesn’t remember things that happened long ago. Long? 4 years only – and certainly she would remember if she made conscious effort to keep these pics. So that was it – we never made to that dinner. Y told me X was getting married in Nov (last year). I was missing her but also was hurt how easily she discarded me after 9 years of friendship – instead of clearing the air. See, that might have required to admit some shortcomings on her part – and she wouldn’t do it to save her life. She wouldn’t be questioned, immature and spoilt 30something year old… So we saw through the summer, then autumn came… As a married woman, Z was also living quite far away so meeting her was out of question – we just exchanged few txts over 6 months or so. I met and spent time with Y more often. We would discuss occasionally what happened but find no answer as to ‘why’. Some time in October Y called me. She had met with X and they were talking about the upcoming wedding and – sic! – what a shame that me and X were not talking and judging by the way how things are I will most likely miss out not being at the wedding. She (Y) asked what could be done in my opinion. Well, I told her it’s not up to me – it’s up to X to use this opportunity and rebuild bridges she burnt herself so unceremoniously. Y most certainly reported back to X. Was I invited to the wedding? No. We all got on with our lives. The other 3 would meet up time from time as we used to, but it was never me meeting with Z and Y – there was no such thing anymore. Me and Y would still meet up occasionally, being single and living close to each other, but that was it. We haven’t met since April and she doesn’t text or call me. She replied to couple of texts but I don’t feel like begging for her friendship if she hasn’t time for me. So there. By discarding me, X also took away two more friends from me. Having been part of 4 for 9 years now I am friendless. Luckily my best friend is there for me. She lives abroad but we talk almost daily on skype. Do I miss X – and Y, and Z? Of course – and all the goods times we had, especially that now I am so lonely. But hey, I am not missed much – Z only sent me 2 txts in last year. It still hurts but I have arrived to conclusion that maybe we were riding on a quite superficial friendship wave. X txt me before xmas and said it would be a good start to open a new page in a new year and start afresh. I hesitated a but agreed. This time I took my time and was checking up with myself how do I feel about all this. Eventually we met – X, Y and me. I said there will be no new pages. I was and still am hurting how she discarded me and then made her point by not inviting me to her wedding. Her argument was – but we were not talking!’. Doh… If you ditch your close friend on a whim and then don’t have courage to own up to it, if you can’t get over your pride and invite me – your very close friend of 9 years – to the most important day of your life – then there cannot be any new pages. And so we parted. I will have to read more on such issues, to work on myself and find new friends. Nowhere is written all friendships are for life and that we can’t meet or make new ones. We can. I will – and so will you.
Right now I am going through another weird experience, this time with a frenemy – so was googling for some information that would help me to understand what is happening. Came across ‘relational agression’ – will have to read more on that, sounds like I might to find at least some answers. In the meantime going through a rollercoaster with her. She is not my best friend – and will never be. But it hurts when your friend starts being dishonest, competitive, envious and bitchy. She tries to interfere with my personal life and would rather I stayed single – she is probably threatened by my potential to have a relationship, where – god forbid – I might score better than her (not that I would ever dream of such thing or even think it possible). Once I forgot to buy something while shopping and invited her for a quick trip to the shop to get that thing. ‘What did you forget? Condoms?!’ – she chirped. What a cow; it was cigarettes… If it was coming from a good friend who we would pull each other’s legs time from time I would have just laughed. Not in this case. Next time they had a handyman coming to fix their door and her boyfriend asked me what I was doing that afternoon, if I could let them in since I was not working. I said I have an appointment so I won’t be able to help them at that time. Without even looking at me she said: ‘I’m affraid you will have to change your appointment, we can’t leave our jobs!’. What a COW. Over the last 2 years we have known each other I was accepted by her circle of friends. She knew my story with X (above) and at first was sympathetic. Now that her ‘cutting me out completely’ mission is nearly over, she’s probably bathing in a glory of exerting her power on me making me friendless again. She recently organised outing with all her friends, including her boyfriend and his friends who we are friends through work. I was the only one not invited. Recently we went to the seaside and it was a lovely day. We were sunbathing, swimming etc, had a nice meal in pub… Next day she was looking at her pictures and whingeing how fat she is (at size 10!) – and this is one of her favourite pastimes which I take as attention seeking. I asked what would she do if she was me (size 20; my question was rhetorical!), hoping she will realise how silly her whingeing is and stop it. Haha! She looked at me from head to toes and said – ‘I wouldn’t dream dressing down to swimming suit if I were you!’. This time I realised she is nasty – and mental. She’s got some sociopathic traits and I am growing more and more sure with every day she’s got some serious issues. Since I didn’t bond too much with anyone from her circle of friends it’s survivable – but still bad. I can see the effect her badmouthing about me is having on them. One girl in that circle who we got on really well started avoiding me and behaving sheepishly when we are all together. My frenemie’s birthday is coming in a week’s time. I was invited via facebook but I will leg it. It’s only a question of time before I cut my ties with her. I don’t want dramas and big break ups, just waiting for suitable circumstances to start slow escape. I was always chuckling at the saying – ‘who needs enemies with a friend like that’. I am now living it!
Just wanted to say – thanks for this blog and to all of you here – thanks for sharing your stories. What a relief! I liked the skunk comparison. Genius! The main thing is – it’s not us. We were not the main culprit. The reason (or rather many reasons) our so called best friends behaved like that lies within them. NOBODY KICKS DEAD DOG – remember that. And the more brutally you were kicked, the worse off your so called best friend is, from many aspects – mental health, spiritually… True, friendships come and go, not all last lifetime. We hold on dearly to some friendship fairytale or wishful thinking that friends are forever – but life brings in its own corrections. BY THE BRUTALITY OF THE KICKS YOU CAN JUDGE HOW MUCH BETTER, NICER YOU ARE THAN THEM, HOW MUCH THEY WOULD LIKE TO BRING YOU DOWN, HOW INFERIOR THEY FEEL NEXT TO YOU. BE BRAVE – CUT LOOSE AND START REBUILDING YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE WORTH IT. DON’T WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE OF YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE ON THEM. There are people out there who you can make new friends with, take classes, joint the gym (I did) – and read on psychology and self help books by L. Hay and like. Just start living your life for yourself, you will definitely meet people along the way who will echo your needs, fun, thoughts, love for literature, share your hobbies – and will be ready to grow as friends together rather than sabotaging everything around them.
everyone can – really. have faith – you are not alone.
Thanks a lot! this is very good, i have such skunk too and was wondering what to do with ‘it’ – will post my story too.
I can’t believe this one. The ex-friend in question gave her phone number to the only person who could contact the commentator, her mother, and asked for the commentator to call her (friendly move). But the commentator chose not to call, and instead seems to think that the ex-friend should have gone to even greater lengths to find out her mysterious phone number. I think the ex-friend is better off without the commentator who is obviously one of those “dumpers” that has no clue about how rude and insensitive they are in their insulated, “me first” worlds.
She showed her true colors by throwing such a hissy fit because you didn’t obey her advice to the letter. She’s a control freak and a manipulator and you are way better off without her. Stop trying to be her friend because you sound like a nice person and you deserve a better friend.
I commiserate with everyone on here, as I am currently experiencing a situation where a person i considered a very close and dear friend has shut me out of her life. This is compounded by tne fact that we work together. I have known this woman for 6 years, and while we always chatted at work, we became what i considered very close friends over the last 12 months. We are both divorced and it was comforting to have a friend who had experienced similar things to myself. We would text each other every day, talk for ages, go walking and go out for dinner and see movies. She had included me in her own social circle of friends and I had introduced her to a very dear friend of mine. We had even been away on a holiday together. However, all of this has come to a halt. My daughter had been going out with a guy, who when ever they would argue and split up, would be verbally aggressive and make threats. My daughter is 18. She had broken up with her boyfrien d and my friend had been my confidante over this situation. Whilst her and i were out walking one day we saw my daughter cuddled up to the guy, she had broken up with. She had decided to get back with him, although i had been unaware of this. My friend was a good support at first and knew i wasnt happy for the relationship to start up again. She advised me to be strong and not let him back into our house as he was bad news. I had stuck to my guns, but eventually my daughter wore me down and I said he could come back one day a week. From here on things changed with my friend. She came to work a week later and said im not going to message you anymore my phone bill is to big. She also made a point of not sitting with me at the lunch table. Whenever i contacted her to go for a walk or have a coffee, she was always busy: her daughter was coming over, she had to go see her elderly mother (which i know is true). When i would chat with her at work or ask her any questions she would always give short sharp replies. She is well known at work for sending funny emails around, however, i no longer receive any. I questioned her about what had happened between us and was told, that she shouldnt have given me any advice about my daughters situation. I told her that is waht friends do and i appreciated it, and valued her opinion. She maintained her distance. I asked her what was wrong and was sorry if i had said or done anything to hurt her. I tried asking her to go for walks, coffee etc. but she was always busy. I questioned her about what i had done wrong again and her reply there was nothing to fix, and she was sorry she hadn’t had any time for me and that i had to realise she had other friends beside me. This has continued for a period of 5 months now, i feel deeply hurt and yet strangely still want to be this womans friend. Can anyone please give me some advice??
Anonymous, I’m sorry your friend dumped you, but as a devout Christian, I’m kind of disturbed by your blanket accusation that all Jews are not nice people, and by your assertion that all Christians behave nicely all the time or make great friends.
I’m a Christian, and my mother (who died over two years ago) was a very devout Christian.
After Mom’s death, I tried reaching out for emotional support (mostly to other Christians), and the vast majority of those Christians ignored me in my time of need. (Only one made a real effort to help me.)
Other Christians, when I told them how badly I was hurting, passed judgment on me, got critical with me (one Christian lady at a new church bit my head off when I was sharing with her my personal struggles!!), or they gave me terse, unfeeling, cold advice on how they think I should live life. None of that was helpful – and it definitely hurt.
Some Christians, like my mother, are very sweet, considerate,and loving – but not all Christians are loving and supportive, even when you really need them to be.
If your Jewish friend cut you out of her life because of religious differences (ie, she does not approve of Christianity), I do think that’s shallow and rude of her, but I would try not to form an opinion of all Jews based on her actions alone.
I know how you all feel. My best friend met a guy last year who was bad for her.She met him while with another guy and completely messed that relationship up for this new guy. She knew how I felt about him before she dated him but when they started going out I was very respectful of her feelings and tried very hard to like him. The problem is he treats her bad. He belittles her,demeans her. And I just couldn’t believe my smart confident friend put up with that.She moved out,left me to deal with her parents( I lived with her and her family) after we’d been saving up for our own apartment for months. Despite her crying to me about what a jerk he was she seemed hell bent on staying with him so I tried to accept it. I didn’t get to see her a lot during those months because she was getting acclimated to living with a guy for the first time so sometimes I would just have to deal with not having her to talk to.Then I met my boyfriend. And at first it was fun telling her about him and being happy and excited. But as the months passed I noticed she wasn’t as excited for me anymore and never seemed to care.I stopped saying good things about him,or even talking about him at all.She started making me feel bad for not hanging out with her even though she hadn’t bothered trying to hang out with me for months and even made excuses when I did ask her to. She started accusing me of changing,even though no one else noticed this change.On the other hand many members of her family discussed her with me saying they missed the old her. Her boyfriend is older than her so I think she was intoxicated with the “older” more mature man. I tried telling her that he is not more mature if he feels like she has to be torn apart and rebuilt. She started being more cruel and catty towards other people,even those she loves. It got to the point where she got mad at something I did or said (yea I am still not even sure what I did.) and then she stopped talking to me. Then I made the mistake of not telling her I moved in with my boyfriend. I was tired of her being childish and not talking to me and I didn’t want her to take my happiness away. Well basically she tells me she hates my boyfriend with a passion and that he’s a loser and that she has out grown me and was tired of my ungrateful ways.Our friendship isn’t worth fixing don’t ever talk to me again. Then a month or so later she emails me saying I was right and that she’s leaving her boyfriend,she’s tired of being emotionally abused. I was still mad but I told her I’d help her in anyway I can. next thing I know she blocks me on every social network we have and without an explanation or a screw you. I’m tired of her childish ways and I don’t like the person she is. but I miss my friend.She lost nothing by doing this to me. She’s always had other friends,other people to talk to. She is my only friend. She took away the only person I have to confide in. Well,not true I talk to my boyfriend but there is just some things it’s easier to talk to another girl about,you know? Anyway we haven’t spoken in months and I would really just like to get over it and move on but I am finding that difficult. She was the person I trusted most in the world and she just threw me away for a shitty rental house with a guy who calls her fat to make himself feel thinner. I don’t get it. Anyway that’s my story.
Hi All,
Sad to see so many of you in this situation and I can’t believe I am here now! I was friends with a girl who is considerably older than me, not that it mattered, we had lots in common and had great times. We were friends for nearly six years. When I met her she had fallen out with another friend, she spent months giving out about this friend and that she did not agree with the way she was running her life. I should have seen the signs then! I don’t like to be bitchy and I take people at face value.
Anyway late last year I made a persoanl decision in my life. She knew what my worries and fears were and gave me advice. I did not take her afvice and followed by own judgement. Because I did this she got really annoyed with me even though the decision has had no bearing on her life at all! Anyway I thought time would heal, but I started to hear less and less from her, but put it down to her being very busy. I was so Naive!
What makes things worse was that in the last year she was getting close to another friend of mine, which at the time was fine, we did lots of things together that we all had in common. Anyway as it turns out this “Friend” of mine no longer speaks to me but is friendly with my other friend (who incidentally I am in contact with) however I feel awkward that they are having a friendship, and I find myslef being paranoid about the whole thing, thinking that my original friend could be bitching about me!
I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I guess beacuse I was so good to her at bad times in her life, I was there when she went through tradgedy and happy times and always supported her. I really feel S*%t on here and I am so angry that I am in this position, especially as this friend has treated others the same in the past.
Is she that angry and unhappy that she thinks she has a right to tell me how to live my life? That if I don’t take her advice she has the right to blank me?
Anyway sorry for the blurb, but it is great to get it off my chest!
Back to concentrating on those who do care about me!!
Thanks for reading
Hi ladies, sorry to hear you are all having troubles – some women can be amazingly jealous can’t they, do you ever wish we could just behave like blokes in these situations?!
I was dumped by my best friend, for getting married. I still don’t understand why – she’s in a happy relationship and has a child, but it seems that she couldn’t stand it being my turn.
She asked me to have my hen do on a particular date, and I explained that if I xould I would, but had other plans for that night which I could not break. I suggested another date to her and that’s when she dropped me, saying she couldn’t approve of the style of wedding I was having (traditional Christian, we are both white British so nothing unexpected for my culture) and that she would not be attending.
I genuinely believe she couldn’t bear that idea of my wedding day with the focus on me and my husband, just for one day, instead of all about her – which it usually is.
🙁
Wow Courtney – thanks for outlining your situation.
I was especially struck by your observation that you put up with the behavior of a few in order to be part of a larger group you all shared. I’m in a similar situation. It’s so hard to be able to pinpoint the subtle digs, put-downs and exclusions that some people use to diminish my value – and I’ve been overlooking (and perhaps discounting) them in order to not make waves in the larger group.
But after reading your post, I’m going to be rethinking that strategy. More social-occasions than not end with me in tears or fuming and feeling impotent to enact change against what seems an amorphous attack. Who needs that?
I would leave her alone. She has a father who is ill and that might be a reason for her actions or it might just be an excuse. I wouldn’t force myself on someone who doesn’t want to be my friend. I would talk to her once about the situation in a nice way and if things haven’t changed I would move on. College is a great time in your life and there are so many other people to become friends with and if she doesn’t appreciate your friendship then just let her go. You don’t have to end the friendship with a fight just back off and let her come to you when she is ready and if she doesn’t then it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes just taking a break from each other can help. Hang in there!!
I am in a very confusing state at the moment. My best friend recently ditched me. Her father is facing some serious illness and while breaking up with me she said she cant afford to have have friendship at this point in time. And said because of me she was unable to give time to her father. I always helped her with everything she asked for. She also has a twin sister and we all are reaaly close. Like almost spending most of the time together. Because of this I avoid talking to her sister aswell because she has started thinking that I am making her family against her.
Now i tried taking help from her twin sister and another friend of ours to make her understand that what shes doing is wrong. but everytime she says that I am making everyone against her. and Now if anyone talks about me infront of her she Just says talk anything else and avoids talking to me. and I say she is practically hating me. We go to university together , we have same circle of friends but still she treats me like we are strangers.
And when we were friends we used to do everything together and now its just not the same.
I am confused in this situation and wants to know how I should make her understand and how should I talk to her or should I just leave her on her own? :S
I feel like I am in good company here, and yet I’m surprised that so many people have gone through such very similar situations. I feel not so alone after reading everyone’s story on this site.
My best friend of 5 years dumped me because my daughter, who used to be best friends with her daughter, chose to branch out and hang out with other 6th graders. “Y” and I had been very close, talking on the phone most every day, or at least texting, sometimes several times per day. Our phone conversations were marathon in length, oftentimes over 3 hours long. We were so close, and had so much in common. Our intimate conversations were deep, so much so that we only confided about such personal things to one another.
This school year when my daughter decided to spread her wings (she’s very, very outgoing) further, my friend felt that “M” was being disloyal to her daughter, “A.” She and her daughter are devout Christians, and she has helped me find my way back to spirituality. This is important because I truly believe that we were meant to find each other. Anyway, “Y” has a very long list of friends that “A” is not allowed to even talk to, either at school or outside of school. She is very strict.
At age 12, “A” is not allowed to go to sleepovers, unless “Y” also sleeps over. She is constantly accompanied by at least one parent, through the duration of cello, swimming, or horseback riding lessons. She’s not allowed to play sports, even though she very much wants to, because Y is afraid she’ll get injured. Y reads every text or email that A sends out, and it must be approved first, even though it’s going to only a few children that A is allowed to communicate with. When Y has A’s birthday parties at the local roller rink, she rents the entire place out for the party, so that no strangers are allowed in. A is not to be in a car without one of her parents, which isn’t a stretch, since she’s not allowed anywhere without one of them. She lives a block away from the school, in one of the safest neighborhoods (pop. 2,000) in the country, and won’t be allowed to walk to school by herself until she’s 16. She is made to memorize facts of sexual offenders listed on the sexual offender registry, even though the nearest city is 30 miles away, and it’s a small college town with 2 sexual offenders. Y takes the offenders’ pictures and identifying information on the refrigerator.
When A comes home from school, the first thing she must do is be subjected to a sort of “quizzing” about how things went socially in school. This is done in detail, where A tells Y who said what to who, exactly what sort of adolescent drama went on at lunch, and during each class period. Prior to our girls entering the 6th grade and moving to the middle school, Y was a daily fixture at the lunch table in the elementary school, from Kindergarten through the end of the 5th grade, where she would eat lunch with A and get as much information of the goings-on at school to judge the other children’s worthiness to hang out with A. The classes are very small, with 20 or less children per class, and only 80 or so children per grade. Y has observed these children from nursery school to the end of 5th grade, and knows just about every child in the grade, though observation and what A tells her about her peers. Now, in study hall, A must log onto her gmail chat account to talk with Y. If A is also chatting with another child at the same time, Y will ask who it is, and if it is someone she doesn’t approve of, A must log-off with the friend.
My daughter, for 5 years, was one of the few who met Y’s standards. A few months ago, Y told me over and over, via text that “A and M are so different.” She said this in a condescending way. She told me she felt that M was jealous of A because A has both parents together at home, and neither one of them work outside of the home. Since I am a single parent with little supports, M is sometimes watched by her older brother N (who’s almost 16), and she has much more independence than A. She can go to sleepovers, and she can walk around town and go to friends houses (as long as I know where she is, and as long as I know the friends’ parents and where they live, and as long as she’s home when the street lights come on, and as long as she calls me at regular intervals). She’s free to hop on her bike and go to a friend’s house, have and attend sleep-overs, and basically “be a kid.” She can text and email and have a facebook, as long as she follows the parameters I’ve set for her. She plays many different sports, and is involved in many activiites.
There are a few children I don’t allow M to hang out with for various good reasons (they get into trouble at school, they’re promiscuous, or they’re just not nice to others). So when Y told me that she felt M was jealous of A, I thought about that critically. I work as a psychologist, but money is often tight and I am very frugal. A has a house, and two parents at home that spend all of their time with her. I live in an apartment, and am divorced, both by choice and I sold my old home because I couldn’t manage the upkeep. This is an issue for M because she would prefer to live in a house. However, M doesn’t typically get jealous or envious, as it’s not really in her nature. When Y said this, I said that M values her freedom, and that may have come across as sarcastic, but I don’t think so. I said that she may wish that we spent more time together as a family, and that I had more time with her, and that she probably does notice a stark difference in her lifestyle from A’s, but that she’s happy with the way her life is now.
I think that she truly believes that other children “sin too much” (Y told me this) and that no other child is truly “good enough” to hang out with A. Y constantly lectures A about how school is just for academics and nothing prosocial. She’s there to learn, and not socialize, as she’s told. So, we have very different parenting styles, and I always (quietly) worried about what effects Y’s overprotection would have on A (ie. not being able to think critically or make an independent decision, etc.). I would never question her parenting to her, because I realize she raises her child the way she does 100% out of love and devotion to her.
I worried about A just like Y worried about how my permissiveness may affect my own daughter. But we accepted and even RESPECTED these differences (in fact I admired how much energy Y puts into raising A, and A is a wonderful young girl, although she is starting herself to behave as though she believes that other children aren’t good enough for her either). I also think that Y feels as though the gratitude for things she’s done for me as a friend (helping me when I ran out of gas once, picking M up and taking her to a dr. appt. while I was 60 miles away at work, giving my kids rides to school in the morning when I couldn’t) is null and voided now that my daughter has chosen to make new friends.
Giving was reciprocal in our relationship, and natural. A gets all of M’s hand-me-downs, about 1/2 dozen large garbage bags filled with quality clothes, some still with tags twice per year. I give Y inhalers that I don’t need but still get from the pharmacy because Y doesn’t have health insurance to cover hers. We have always done things for each other that friends just do, including offering emotional support.
I have called, emailed and texted her a few times over the last two months, and she’s ignored all of my attempts to contact her. I feel like I need closure from her. I feel like I’m owed an explanation, even though I think I know why she no longer wants to be my friend. The more I think of this, and this has kept me up several nights all night long, it’s made me realize that she has suddenly ended several other friendships in the past, solely because of the way she viewed her daughter as being “mistreated,” even though she wasn’t really being mistreated.
What I think was the final catalyst to Y’s decision to end our friendship, was when a non-incident occurred at lunch a month or so ago, where my daughter was trying to get a head start on her homework in the cafeteria, when A kept trying to get her attention to talk about something, and M kept saying “hold on, I’m almost done.” After M said that a few times, A got up from the table and said “Well, I know when I’m not wanted” and proceeded to walk to another table to eat with other children.
A doesn’t have many friends, because Y doesn’t let her, but also because she is mean to other children (although I do think this is unintentional). Now whenever A sees M at school, she just stares at her, never says “hello,” and doesn’t speak to her at all. I believe that this is not an independent decision of hers. I believe that M is now on “the list” (the list of children A isn’t allowed to associate with). What I know of A, is that her friendships are controlled by her mother, regardless of how A feels about the child. I don’t know if A is staring at M because of animosity, or if it’s because of a longing of a friendship she valued and wasn’t intending to end herself.
So, I realize I’m rambling and am so glad to have found a place to vent. I’ve not talked about this really to anyone, as it’s very hurtful to even think about. It’s deep-seeded for me, as sometimes I wonder what it is about ME that made her devalue our friendship. Why wasn’t *I* worth enough to Y to let her have the girls navigate this speedbump in their relationship, and not let it affect OURS? I’m at a place where I’m starting to let it go, but a part of me wants to continue fighting for this friendship because we were so close. And then I think, well, she was close to all of those other mothers too, and dropped them like a hot potato once their child “wronged” A in some way.
Y has very few friends, and I guess I’m starting to see why. It’s just so sad. I do love her and I want her to be happy, but she’s isolated herself from friendships before, and she’s exercising that pattern again, and I know it’s not healthy. She hasn’t talked to her sisters or mother in years either, because of ways they’ve wronged her. Well, that’s my story, so I can relate to what you all are going through with the hurt feelings and possibly second-guessing yourself as a worthy friend, too.
Should I just let this go, and prepare myself for the probable awkwardness when running into her at the local grocery store? Should I give it one last shot and tell her that her patterns are self-destructive to her? Should I remind her of how close we were? Should I tell her that close, devoted friends are few and far between and you should hold onto them the few times they come around in life? Should I tell her that her depression will never be lifted without the support of those who love her? Or, should I just let it be and realize that perhaps her friendship wasn’t even genuine to begin with and all of those “I think the world of you’s” and “I love you”s” were never true because she’s only capable of loving God and her daughter? Because if it was genuine, wouldn’t it have survived this simple pre-teen drama?
What I sometimes want to do is email her and tell her how angry I am that she just dumped me like I meant absolutely nothing to her. To my former closest friend, I am as disposable as yesterday’s trash.
My best friend of 5 years dumped me because my daughter, who used to be best friends with her daughter, chose to branch out and hang out with other 6th graders. “Y” and I had been very close, talking on the phone most every day, or at least texting, sometimes several times per day. Our phone conversations were marathon in length, oftentimes over 3 hours long. We were so close, and had so much in common. Our intimate conversations were deep, so much so that we only confided about such personal things to one another. This school year when my daughter decided to spread her wings (she’s very, very outgoing) further, my friend felt that “M” was being disloyal to her daughter, “A.” She and her daughter are devout Christians, and she has helped me find my way back to spirituality. This is important because I truly believe that we were meant to find each other. Anyway, “Y” has a very long list of friends that “A” is not allowed to even talk to, either at school or outside of school. She is very strict. At age 12, “A” is not allowed to go to sleepovers, unless “Y” also sleeps over. She is constantly accompanied by at least one parent, through the duration of cello, swimming, or horseback riding lessons. She’s not allowed to play sports, even though she very much wants to, because Y is afraid she’ll get injured. Y reads every text or email that A sends out, and it must be approved first, even though it’s going to only a few children that A is allowed to communicate with. When Y has A’s birthday parties at the local roller rink, she rents the entire place out for the party, so that no strangers are allowed in. A is not to be in a car without one of her parents, which isn’t a stretch, since she’s not allowed anywhere without one of them. She lives a block away from the school, in one of the safest neighborhoods (pop. 2,000) in the country, and won’t be allowed to walk to school by herself until she’s 16. She is made to memorize facts of sexual offenders listed on the sexual offender registry, even though the nearest city is 30 miles away, and it’s a small college town with 2 sexual offenders. Y takes the offenders’ pictures and identifying information on the refrigerator. When A comes home from school, the first thing she must do is be subjected to a sort of “quizzing” about how things went socially in school. This is done in detail, where A tells Y who said what to who, exactly what sort of adolescent drama went on at lunch, and during each class period. Prior to our girls entering the 6th grade and moving to the middle school, Y was a daily fixture at the lunch table in the elementary school, from Kindergarten through the end of the 5th grade, where she would eat lunch with A and get as much information of the goings-on at school to judge the other children’s worthiness to hang out with A. My daughter, for 5 years, was one of the few who met Y’s standards. A few months ago, Y told me over and over, via text that “A and M are so different.” She said this in a condescending way. She told me she felt that M was jealous of A because A has both parents together at home, and neither one of them work outside of the home. Since I am a single parent with little supports, M is sometimes watched by her older brother N (who’s almost 16), and she has much more independence than A. She can go to sleepovers, and she can walk around town and go to friends houses (as long as I know where she is, and as long as I know the friends’ parents and where they live, and as long as she’s home when the street lights come on, and as long as she calls me at regular intervals). She’s free to hop on her bike and go to a friend’s house, have and attend sleep-overs, and basically “be a kid.” She can text and email and have a facebook, as long as she follows the parameters I’ve set for her. She plays many different sports, and is involved in many activiites. There are a few children I don’t allow M to hang out with for various good reasons. So when Y told me that she felt M was jealous of A, I thought about that critically. I work as a psychologist, but money is often tight and I am very frugal. A has a house, and two parents at home, where I live in an apartment, and am divorced, both by choice. We sold our house because I couldn’t manage the upkeep. This is an issue for M because she would prefer to live in a house. However, M doesn’t get jealous or envious, as it’s not really in her nature. When Y said this, I said that M values her freedom, and that may have come across as sarcastic, but I don’t think so. I think that she truly believes that other children “sin too much” (Y told me this) and that no other child is truly “good enough” to hang out with A. Y constantly lectures A about how school is just for academics and nothing prosocial. So, we have very different parenting styles, and I always worried about what effects Y’s overprotection would have on A (ie. not being able to think critically or make an independent decision, etc.). I worried about A just like Y worried about how my permissiveness may affect my own daughter. But we accepted and even RESPECTED these differences (in fact I admired how much energy Y puts into raising A, and A is a wonderful young girl, although she is starting herself to believe that other children aren’t good enough for her either). I also think that Y feels as though the gratitude for things she’s done for me as a friend (helping me when I ran out of gas once, picking M up and taking her to a dr. appt. while I was 60 miles away at work, giving my kids rides to school in the morning when I couldn’t) is null and voided now that my daughter has chosen make new friends. A gets all of M’s hand-me-downs, about 1/2 dozen large garbage bags filled with quality clothes, some still with tags twice per year. I give Y inhalers that I don’t need but still get from the pharmacy because Y doesn’t have insurance to cover her’s. We have always done things for each other that friends just do, including offering emotional support. I have called, emailed and texted her a few times over the last two months, and she’s ignored all of them. I feel like I need closure from her. I feel like I’m owed an explanation, even though I think I know why she no longer wants to be my friend. The more I think of this, and this has kept me up several nights all night long, it’s made me realize that she has suddenly ended several other friendships in the past, solely because of the way she saw her daughter being “mistreated,” even though she wasn’t really being mistreated. What I think was the final catalyst to Y’s decision to end the friendship, was was a non-incident that occurred at lunch when my daughter was trying to get a head start on her homework, when A kept trying to get her attention to talk about something, and M kept saying “hold on, I’m almost done.” A got up from the table and said “Well, I know when I’m not wanted” and proceeded to walk to another table to eat with other children. A doesn’t have many friends, because Y doesn’t let her, but also because she is mean to other children (although I do think this is unintentional). Now whenever A sees M at school, she just stares at her, never says “hello,” and doesn’t speak to her at all. I believe that this is not an independent decision of hers. I believe that M is now on “the list” (the list of children A isn’t allowed to associate with). What I know of A, is that her friendships are controlled by her mother, regardless of how A feels about the child. I don’t know if A is staring at M because of animosity, or if it’s because of a longing of a friendship she valued and wasn’t intending to end herself. So, I realize I’m rambling and am so glad to have found a place to vent. I’ve not talked about this really to anyone, as it’s very hurtful to even think about. It’s deep-seeded for me, as sometimes I wonder what it is about me that made her devalue our friendship. Why wasn’t *I* worth enough to Y to let her have the girls work this speedbump in their relationship, and not let it affect OURS? I’m at a place where I’m starting to let it go, but a part of me wants to continue fighting for this friendship because we were so close. And then I think, well, she was close to all of those other parents to and dropped them like a hot potato once their child “wronged” A in some way. Y has no friends, and I guess I’m starting to see why. It’s just so, so sad. I do love her and I want her to be happy, but she’s isolated herself from friendships before, and she’s exercising that pattern again, and I know it’s not healthy. Well, that’s my story, so I can relate to what you all are going through with the hurt feelings and possibly second-guessing yourself as a worthy friend, too. Should I just let this go, and prepare myself for the probably awkwardness when running into her at the local grocery store? Should I give it one last shot and tell her that her patterns are self-destructive to her? Should I remind her of how close we were? What I sometimes want to do is email her and tell her how angry I am that she just dumped me like I meant absolutely nothing to her. That’s how it feels. Yuck.
I’m sorry but you sound unrealistic. I can understand not liking the ‘rabid skunk’ analogy but it’s a lot closer to the truth than the ‘abused dog’ analogy. Abused dogs can only be adopted by specialized and trained owners. Abused dogs are normally put down because they can’t be trusted like a normal non-abused dog because they will react defensively and offensively. People with psychological disorders are best in the hands of trained professionals. It’s fine to forgive and I encourage forgiveness, but not to continue in ignorance. If you know the ‘friend’ has deep mental issues, rest assured you cannot save them with a weekly ‘airing of grievances’ talks. Sure you can be kind and polite to the person in question but remember they bite! Just a word to the wise…..
Thanks so much for sharing that very vivid analogy!
Best, Irene
Dear Anonymous,
Although you "broke up" with your friend, your note suggests that you are still quite hurt. This is understandable and hopefully it will resolve over time.
I don’t know you or the specifics of the situation, however, if your feelings of sadness and depression don’t seem to be lifting, you may need to speak to a mental health professional to get you over the hump.
I know you put a smiley face icon on your note but if you are having any thoughts of suicide, you must speak to someone as soon as posslble.
If you live in the U.S, you can contact 1-800-273-TALK, a free 24/7 hotline supported by the US Department of Health and Services. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ If you live outside the U.S., there is likely to be a hotline in your own community.
I also want to thank Liz for her very helpful comment. This is a wonderfully caring and supportive community of women. Others have been through similar situations and have emerged stronger.
Warm regards,
Irene
Please don’t consider suicide as an option – one way that I’ve heard it summed up is “a permanent fix to a temporary problem”.
Things will get better – life is a rollercoaster of ups &
downs. There are medicines that will help you to feel better and doctors that can help you.
HI there,
I sympathize with your predicament with your friend, it is not easy to be the target of a friend’s worst dysfunctional patterns. But I feel uncomfortable with the rabid skunk analogy, yes, it works in that if there is a pattern of hurtful behavior it will happen again, and you should be aware of that. The reality though is that people that act so hurtfully are people (not rabid skunks) that are deeply hurting and will only learn different by being in a relationship that calls forth such. Sometimes, knowing the person better, and your own triggers and what you need to do to protect yourself from being hurt(such as knowing it’s her and not personal), can help you guard your heart thenext time around, and call forth change.
I was also dumped by a bf of 2 years wiht no notice, no closure. Not only that, she really screwed things up for me in my life.She was very dysfunctional. But if she came to my door again I would forgive her. I understand her issues, part of which she is responsible for, but part due to deep emotional wounds and some psychological problems. But I would be more careful about protecting myself from hurt feelings (things she said to me were so “out there” untrue that it easy to know it was not personal-still it hurts when the person u esteem more than anyone has negative ideas about you that are so bizarre) and have to accept the possiblitiy that she might withdraw again. Part of the protection might include telling her that I wont tolerate the back and forth affection/rejection or have an agreement that if something is wrong we will talk about it or I will have to distance myself. I might also need to set some standards such as insist that we have a “how are we doing” talk once a week to air out grievances and say what’s working well, and might insist that she be open to counseling to help herself to show that she wants to be a better person and get well. If she refused I might still stay friends but a less involved friend to protect myself from the consequences of her dysfunction, and mgiht have to work at emotionally detaching more.
That being said, this person is the only person like this that I will be close with at good friend or bf level, have distanced from others who were as you described your friend, and will never again let myself get emotionally attached at this level to another person with the characteristics we are discussing.There was much good in our friendship and it is in my heart to go thru hard things with her. I guess I could call her the exception to my rule.She really is emotionally and psychologically crippled.The loss I feel is mostly heartbreak of the good side of her i know that I miss, she will never be replaced. What she did is a result of who she is not.
Instead of a rabid skunk I like the analogy of an injured dog who was abused and you are the new friend. For a while you will get bitten, but with constant care and attention and love mixed iwth boundaries and discipline the dog will feel more safe and see you for who you really are rather than a past malefactor. At the same time there truly hopeless cases that no matter what it cant be fixed or the owner doesnt have the resources to take it anymore. YOu have to decide.
Just to say that there are other options. If you are young you might need to develop more resilience before you can handle this type of relationship. They are not easy to be in for sure. One of my measure in determining is if I can maintain my own sense of personal worth and esteem over the long term and wether the friendship is making me a better person, and I only do it if it is in my heart , if I love the person, not out of obligation. Peace!
I recently was a dumped by one of my best friends of 15 years. One day she just cut communication with me which led me to asking why and after a month of being blatantly ignored, she “deleted” me. I sent an email which is never a good thing to do but I was honest and willing to work out the problem. Her reply was full of blame shifting and attacking. I went to see a grievance counselor about it and worked through it and realize what how toxic “she” had become to me. The counselor asked me what was I going to do when “she” came knocking on my door wanting to talk. I told the counselor, “I realize that we could never be friends again but I would like to be acquaintances and see her from time to time socially.” The counselor said, “So……you are telling me that you want to keep a rabid skunk in a cage as a pet and take it out from time to time and play with it?…….No, you need to let the humane society deal with the skunk.” Book closed. Hope this helps someone out there. Also remember this-Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. …If you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.