A friendship too broken to fix?

Published: December 28, 2008 | Last Updated: December 28, 2008 By | 5 Replies Continue Reading

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Nicole and I met soon after each of us moved to a new town and we hit it off immediately. We were both adrenaline junkies, partners in crime who enjoyed outdoor activities. Sometimes we thought of each other as twin sisters or maybe more, like teenage brothers. I’m a lesbian and Nicole is bisexual and we dated briefly. Nicole wasn’t that interested and I decided to end it when she started avoiding me although I would have preferred otherwise.

 

We remained friends. Unfortunately, I noticed a cruel side to her personality after we stopped dating. She started to make condescending and dismissive remarks if I wanted to "talk" about what was bothering me about us. She even threatened that she would walk away from me if I brought up certain subjects.

 

If she met a new friend, Nicole would ask that I sit in the back of her car so her new friend could sit in the passenger seat. She’d call me to cry about her boyfriend who dumped her and she’d pick up girls in front of me while at clubs. She even started getting frisky with one, literally in front of me.

 

She knew I was sore and sensitive. I confronted her about her behavior and her response was that since I’m her friend and not an ex (we were never in a long-term relationship), there was nothing wrong with what she said or did. She seems to have conveniently ignored that I still had romantic feelings for her.

 

I requested a "break" for a couple months and then we started up our friendship again. She seemed really happy to see me and I was glad to see her. But I had unresolved anger and became passive aggressive at times. She requested a break. Several months passed. We tried to be friends again but now she’s in a relationship a new boyfriend.

 

She wants all of us to hang out together since weekend trips and campouts are better suited to groups. I’m just trying to come to grips with my jilted ego over this guy who’s taking away time I could be spending with her. When I expressed my discomfort, we went on a trip for several days without him but she was angry at me that her boyfriend wasn’t with her. On our last night, she more or less gave me a threat/ultimatum that going forward, she’s won’t leave her boyfriend behind. I had to remind her that she chose to do the trip with me.

 

I’m tired of her hostility. I’m tired of how I’m feeling. I’ll miss parts of her but can walk away but I’d rather salvage this relationship if possible. Is this too broken? Should I get a clue and move on? Please help. This is really about friendship with a misbegotten romance that may have complicated the issue.

Signed,
Lacey

ANSWER

Dear Lacey:

It’s exceedingly difficult, usually impossible, to downgrade a romance to a platonic friendship AFTER SOMEONE HAS BEEN DUMPED. There is just too much residual hurt and anger. Nicole has made it clear that she no longer has any romantic interest in you. She’s avoided you and dismissed you, yet you keep coming back for further insults and assaults to your ego.

 

You need to simply let go of her and look elsewhere for someone with whom you can to share your time, energy, and desires. For whatever reasons, she’s just not that into you!

 

I’m not sure whether her hostility and ambivalence is only directed at you or to other "friends" as well—but that is her problem. Don’t allow it to be yours any longer. You will feel much more in control emotionally if you make a clean break from this destructive relationship.

 

It’s hard to understand your ambivalence as well. Yes, your friendship is too broken to fix and you need to figure out why you would ever want to salvage it, given that has been so unsatisfying on so many levels.


My best wishes,
Irene

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: Uncategorized

Comments (5)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. xiaoeee says:

    Unfortunately, you should simply forget about even thinking about fixing a broken friendship. It’s OVER. It’s DONE. You should respect yourself and others.

  2. Anonymous says:

    how do you know if the girl your all individually going on about is even really, whatsoever or even remotely interested in any of you romantically. more likely shes just leaning on you as a friend, which most girls do, have done so for an eternity, and you lesos are taking it for something that its not. or just jealous of ur bff what you think about this?

  3. Anonymous says:

    I love my best friend to death and i would do anything for her but then she started to talk behind my back and all we did was fight. Everyday we would fight and we wouldn’t even say it to each others faces. We would text each other and we haven’t had a real conversation for 8 months. I have been fighting with her for 8 months and it is so hard to let our friendship go because she was the nicest person ever. I have talked shit about her before also but she had the guts to tell me and i feel like i am not being a good friend. She wants to be my friend and she keeps begging me but its always through text. I wish she would at least actually come up and talk to me because i don’t believe a single word she is saying because i do not trust her anymore. I will never be as good as of a friend as she was to me and i love her so much. It’s so hard letting go and she always asks why i am doing this and i keep lying to her. I have to because if she knew I was doing this for her, she would try even harder to be my friend. I don’t know what to do its been 8 months and every time i say i am gonna move on i don’t. I am trying really hard to move on. I made a deal with her that we would be friends for 3 weeks and after that she promised she would move on. I wanna move on but shes pulling me back because she doesn’t want to but i don’t wanna be her friend anymore. I could do better without having her in my life and so can she. I really need to figure this out before it creates to much drama

  4. Anonymous says:

    It stinks when it comes down to this, but imo, I would let the friendship go. I am straight, and find it difficult to maintain friendships with exes. With that said, you dated this girl for a while, just move on. It’s not healthy and unfair to you. She is walking all over you, treating you like a doormat. Things are not the same, and its hard to keep it the same. Good luck.

  5. Anonymous says:

    me and my friend meet in the start of the 3rd quart. we have been good friends, then i told her i was into something and she didn’t like it. she crused at me . i waited a few days and the socail worker in are school to help, i thought we were friends again but she said no and i want to be her friend im willing to do anything please email me back somebody

Leave a Reply