Reader Q & A: I’m stuck! I don’t want to lose my BFF
QUESTION:
Dear Irene:
I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and
she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our
friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is
deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why
I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t
talked. Okay, so here’s the story:
I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th)
and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this
weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside
your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied
“What a f**king whore!!!!”
Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh,
my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to
say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been
verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”
Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to
you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to
me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no
phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in
fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first
place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean
those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship
for me to even cross).
So on 07/14, I decided to write her:
Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and
will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always
be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking
of the consequences…but you are still my #1.
With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:
I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to
talk yet?
Her response 2 minutes later:
Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that
emails and texting is the way to go…When you are ready to call me and give me
an apology, then we can talk.
My response 30 minutes later:
I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used;
there was no malicious attempt. I didn’t mean what I said literally. It was
just bad choice of words.
She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo
what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!
Stuck in
ANSWER:
Dear Stuck in
I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.
Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you
care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same
abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate
themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this,
having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.
By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she
was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your
dilemma.
Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as
well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words
rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset,
even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she
trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate
afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.
Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly
about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more
than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true
friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you
really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text
or email.
My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know
it.
My best,
Irene
Category: Uncategorized
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SpEdLaw2
Hi Sophie:
Thanks so much for your very insightful observation and for making explicit an important point which I may have obscured in my response to Stuck in Sunnyvale.
You are absolutely right about people having different preferences in the mode in which they want to communicate. In this case, I think an in-person apology comes off as more sincere because that’s what Amanda needs and asked for.
Best,
Irene
Hi Sophie:
Thanks so much for your very insightful observation and for making explicit an important point which I may have obscured in my response to Stuck in Sunnyvale.
You are absolutely right about people having different preferences in the mode in which they want to communicate. In this case, I think an in-person apology comes off as more sincere because that’s what Amanda needs and asked for.
Best,
Irene
By bandwidth, I mean text vs email vs telephone vs face to face.
As an e-mail addict, what struck me about this dilemma is that Amanda said she would like to fix the problem over the telephone and Stuck in Sunnyvale used an alternate bandwidth anyway, which seems a little insensitive to Amanda’s explicitly expressed request.
I’m more comfortable with email than telephones (actually, I loathe talking on the phone) but have come to realize that not everyone feels that way and that sometimes I have to step out of my comfort zone to respect my friends’ needs.
I have one friend whose job includes so much email, IM and texting that she absolutely hates it for personal communication. I have to force myself to call her instead of emailing but I do it (most of the time) because it matters to her. (I like face to face most of all but we’re all so busy…) I have another who doesn’t type well and finds email too time consuming for him. And I’ve learned through ugly experience that email squabbles can escalate very quickly so anytime things start moving to dangerous territory, I pick up the phone.
IMO, just respecting Amanda’s request for a different mode of communication would go a long way. It’s scarier to talk than email, perhaps, but it sounds as if the friendship is worth it.