Outgrowing mom friends: What would you do?
Should mom friends hang on to an unsatisfying friendship for the sake of their daughters?
QUESTION
Hi,
I have been friendly with a woman for nearly ten years, but we’re mainly mom friends because our daughters went to the same school. I feel our friendship is going stale, but only make the effort to maintain the friendship so the girls can be together.
I never hear from her during school holidays when she is free but she expects me to be available at the drop of a hat. I don’t know what to do, or how to not feel pressured to meet just for sake of the girls.
I don’t enjoy her company anymore and feel more resentful towards her as our lives are quite different. It seems selfish not to meet with her as my daughter would miss out, yet the time I do have outside of work is limited and sometimes I just want to spend that quality time with my daughter alone.
Best, Cora
ANSWER
Dear Cora,
Often when children are young, their moms connect with other mom friends for the sake of the kids. Aside from sharing that stage of life in common, there may not be much more between the moms to make the friendships endure beyond that.
Although you have begun to feel frustrated with this mom friend, since both you and your daughter have a lengthy history with the other family, don’t end it cold turkey, which would likely affect the relationship between the girls.
Given that you work, it is understandable you might want or need more time for yourself. Let this woman know that you feel pressured and need more time to yourself. Since your daughter is close to the other girl, explain this to your daughter, too, and tell her that you hope to find ways for her to still spend time with her friend.
You didn’t say how old your daughter is, but I suspect that by now she may be old enough to choose and handle her own friendships somewhat independently.
Can you and the other mom arrange to have the girls spend time at your home or hers without both of you being there? Perhaps, spending less time as a foursome would make the time you are together more bearable—and maybe even enjoyable. Start by cutting back and see if you feel any better about how things are going.
Hope this helps.
My best, Irene
Other relevant posts on The Friendship Blog:
- Friendship: For the sake of the children
- Should I go to my friend’s kid’s birthday party?
- Ending a friendship nicely
Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS
