Our friendship isn’t the same
People change and so do their friendships
QUESTION
Hi Friendship Doctor!
I really need your help. One of my best friends has changed dramatically in the past year and it’s making me question our friendship.
For example, now, she will not apologize for ANYTHING and will not own up to anything either. She won’t talk about her feelings because she says it makes her “uncomfortable” telling the person directly. Instead, she tells everyone else her opinions on certain people, me being one of them.
We are now in a fight because she was talking about me behind my back, and when I confronted her she did not apologize and kept on saying, “What is done is done. I can not change it.” But she never once apologized and then yelled at me, brought my family into the situation, and now she is mad at me.
I have tried to tell her how I feel over text but she will not even talk to me when we are at school. I want to work it out but she does not respond to texts or express her feelings. Any help would be much appreciated! She means so much to me and I do not want to loose her as a friend. Thank you so much!
Signed, Suzi
ANSWER
Hi Suzi,
You have pointed out some major changes that are affecting your relationship with your friend. I have no way of knowing why she is acting differently and it sounds like you can’t figure it out the reasons either.
There may be several possibilities. For example, she may have decided that she wants to back off from the friendship, or there may be things going on in her life that have nothing to do with you.
You’ve tried to discuss these issues and she is unwilling to communicate directly. Given these circumstances, I think your best option is to back off the friendship a bit, too, and see if it matters to your friend.
Try to diffuse the tenseness in the relationship, and be cautious about fighting with her anymore, or badmouthing her to mutual friends. I think you still want to have at least a cordial relationship with her at school (unless things get dramatically better or worse.) Over time, you this may turn out to be a temporary situation that resolves itself.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: Communication, KEEPING FRIENDS
Suzi:
It is sad that your best friend is not responding to your texts or won’t talk to you. I agree with what was said here; she may be going through some “stuff” right now and does not want to talk about it. In order for you to have closure, you can let her know either by email/text/phone message that she means so much to you, and you want her in your life. You can also say that you are here for her whenever she needs you. Then, back off and see what happens.
Suzi,
Set her adrift, is going through something that she has to resolve on her own & in her own time. It appears that certain ppl irritate her right now & unfortunately you fall into that category.
You must also know that for you to continue stressing about this will cause you more confusion & pain.
In time, others will see her for what she is, a confused, bitter person & they too will back away from her. Ppl like tht become boring. She will be alone; perhaps that is what she subconsciously is striving for; perhaps that is what she needs at this point in her life. Maybe her life has become too complex for her to deal with. Not everyone is capable of having & maintaining copious and long term friendships. She could be on overload for reasons known only to her, or again, maybe she has no idea whyshe is behaving like this other then she is changing everything in her life starting with the ppl in her life. I suspect, though, she is empowered by it to some extent. She probably hears the chattering of other’d peculations as to why he behaving like this; perhaps she likes that disembodied attention.
All that said, isn’t really important; what is important is your emotional & physical health. This relationship you have with this woman/girl has become toxic & is detrimental to you & to preserve your mental & physical health you should seriously consider walking away from it, no matter what she says to other ppl or the gossip or how she may be “talking behind your back,” its time to drop this association.
Bottom Line:
Never Play A Bit Part In Your Own Life.” You are the Star of your Own Life.
Totally agree with Phadra’s advice. Yes, set her adrift. It really sounds like she wants to be free, for what ever reason. So back off, and distance yourself. Why make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in their life.
Sounds like she is sending her friend some very strong signals. Too bad some people can’t be honest and let others know how they truly feel.
While that is true, some people are non-confrontational. They may be too stressed about a friend’s attitude towards them, but doesn’t have the guts to talk to them about it. It’s not good that her feelings are spilling out when she backstabs, but maybe the friend isn’t really backstabbing? Maybe she’s doing this to let the OP know about her problems with her – reason why she didn’t apologize?
It’d be helpful to know how old you are in responding to your question. Since you used the term “in a fight” I’m going to assume you’re still in school.
Phadra has some good points about your friend possibly wanting to move on, as does Irene for suggesting they it’s time to back off.
You start a lot of sentences with “she won’t”, which to me sounds like you’re making demands on her that she is unwilling, uninterested or cannot make. If she hasn’t told you in words, she certainly has in actions. What really struck me is that you seem to really want an apology, which means you think you are right and she is wrong. Sometimes righteous indignation can get in the way of smooth relationships. Why is this apology so important to you?
You say she’s one of your best friends. Do you think she still considers you one of hers?
In the absence of suspecting she’s having serious problems or that she’s in danger, I think the only way you have to preserve the relationship I’d to back off and let her come to you.
If she does, and continues to trash talk others, set boundaries and tell her you’re not going to listen to her negativity. You can’t control whether or not she talks directly to the other person, but you can control what you listen to. The only person you can control is yourself, though I think at times we’d all like to be able to change others to make them behave how we’d prefer.
Good luck.
Looks like she wants out of the friendship, however,I do think there is some underlying reason for her “change,” that might not have anything to do with you directly.She is evolving into something other then the person you think you knew before; perhaps she wanted to change her life for quite sometime. To accomplish this change, some ppl evict ppl from their inner circle of friends by making it too uncomfortable for them to stay. So too, by continuing certain friendships only reminds them of their former selvess & that impedes the process of the preceived change. Bottom Line: She is cleaning house; not merely of her inner self but of everything & body who she perhpas perceives will hold her back from her evolution. You must be prepared for the dissolving of this friendship, she is over it, you should undertand that you will never fully understand the reason(s) a person behaves in a certian manner. Its all hypothesis, but perhaps she doesn’t know why either except she has an overriding need to be different at this time in her life. My mother usd to say, ‘never go back, only go forward.’ Right or wrong, this is what she is doing, let her do it, let go of her, she needs to be in dominion of herelf. Needless to say, if you preceive this ‘Big Change’ in her personality, rest assured others do as well, & take it under advisement when she behaves the way she does.