• Handling Breakups

On letting go: Too much follow up can feel like stalking

June 30, 2015 | By | 11 Replies Continue Reading
Where do you draw the line between following up and stalking?

QUESTION

Hi,

I am having difficulty mending a friendship with a very close friend of mine. A month ago, she was stressed about her exams and I kept messaging and she got very upset about it. We we fell out pretty badly.

I didn’t speak to her for a couple weeks and then I recently sent her several texts and Facebook messages telling her how sorry I was, and how I didn’t want to lose her but she has never replied. I also bought her a present to say I was sorry, which I told her about but she is completely stonewalling me. It has been over a month now and for the last two weeks I have made absolutely no progress.

I am thinking of going over to her house and trying to see if I can speak to her face to face.

I am so upset over this, it is all I can think about, I don’t want to lose her and everyone else is saying to just move on and forget about her but that makes me so sad because of all the good times we had together. I don’t understand why she is so upset over it as I don’t think it was a particularly big deal and I’ve apologized several times but to no avail.

Thanks a lot,

Regards, Jim

ANSWER

Hi Jim,

For friendships to work, two people need to similar levels of interest and involvement.

It’s not uncommon that someone unilaterally decides that they no longer want to be involved in a friendship. The timing of a breakup often occurs over something minor (e.g. an argument or misunderstanding) but like the proverbial “last straw,” it usually has been building up over some time.

I understand your hurt given that this relationship was meaningful to you but I agree with your other friends that it is time for you to move on. You should feel good about the efforts you made to apologize but since your friend hasn’t responded at all, it means she wants space.

Do not go over to her house in person. To do so, will make her feel as if you are stalking her. You have already sent her repeated messages through different social media channels for more than a month. It’s probably time to accept your friend’s non-response as a response.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

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Category: HANDLING BREAKUPS

Comments (11)

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  1. Allison says:

    I would agree it wouldn’t be a good idea to go over there or to keep trying for now. Think about forgiveness & be ready to accept her whenever she’s ready but don’t wait for it. I would strongly recommend against blocking her on Facebook, unless she uses Facebook to say things negative about you or there’s another good reason. In my experience, any negative reaction to situations like these only makes them worse & snowballs or compounds the issue & less likely to be something you’d feel good about doing or healthy or healing for either of you. If you just are yourself, you’ve done what you can. I have been in this situation myself and nothing I have done has made it better, in fact the person reportedly does not care about the original infraction because they became annoyed by my anxiety & trying to follow instruction for mending it. You’ve done your part dear friend. All you can do is be willing to welcome her. It’s not on you <3

  2. Mary says:

    How nice of you to reply thanking everybody all the best. Better days ahead, but remember good manners and to give people space–

    There is nothing like a bit of mystery — play it much cooler next time ah.
    🙂

  3. Jim says:

    Thank you everybody for taking the time to reply. I read all your responses and they were very heartening. Ive severed all contact and even though it is still painful in slowly getting there. Thank you also to Irene for the reply. All the best to you all, Jim

  4. Someone says:

    It sounds like your anxiety is taking over here, not a judgment, just an observation from your tone. Nothing good can come of action born from anxiety or desperation. Ask yourself why you are holding on so tightly, focus on yourself. Take some time to breathe and let go while you figure out where these feelings originate from. Good luck you, Jim.

  5. josh says:

    She wants nothing to do with you or is just not ready yet to forgive,Youve played your part and tried to make amends and she’s having none of it,Move on yes it hurts but like you say just cherish your good times you had with her and maybe one day she’ll return to being your friend again.

  6. Jared says:

    I agree with the advice given. It sounds like your friend had the “last straw,” and it was probably building up for some time but you likely never noticed.

    Although buying someone a gift to apologize sounds nice, I have seen one person use this tactic to make the other person feel obligated to spend time with them. It can be viewed as a technique to induce guilt.

    It’s always hurtful when our feelings aren’t reciprocated, so I believe it’s best to stave any more hurt feelings and move on. You can’t make someone like you–unfortunate, but true.

  7. Maddie says:

    You are coming on like a freight train. Leave her alone. Learn from it and move on.

  8. Amy F says:

    I agree with Irene, disrespecting her boundaries is putting your needs ahead of hers. It will only make her want to pull away further. Sometimes putting yourself in the other person’s shoes can be really helpful. If one if your friends was doing something you didn’t like, whether that be contacting you too much or constantly interrupting you or repeatedly canceling at the last minute, you wouldn’t want them to do the thing bothering you even more. Maybe if you give her space she’ll eventually feel better about being friendly with you, maybe not. Don’t Facebook stalk her, just let her go.

    I was friendly with a woman about 10 years ago and she didn’t respect my space, pre-FB and she seemed to show up wherever I was online, sometimes with different screen names, but I always figured it out quickly. It felt really creepy. I now have every version of her (fairly common) name blocked. I don’t hold grudges, I just want no part of her drama and histrionics, even if she’s changed.

  9. lottie says:

    Hi Jim,

    Sorry Jim that this has happened to you. I agree with Irene and would like to add if the person has not got the good grace to accept your humble apologises then let her go. Sometimes it happens that no matter what you do to make up they seem to relish the attention and grovelling to make amends.
    Just try to imagine what it would feel like if she was married to you and was forever taking offence at every little thing. I am not suggesting it was nothing that you did,but you have tried. Thank your lucky stars that you are not legally tied to her,and let another take her reins,preferably with a lunging whip!!(sorry too harsh but not deleting).
    In your minds eye, imagine twelve months from now and I bet you will be happier without her. You will. You don’t have to lower yourself any more .She reminds me of a control freak.It would happen again only for something far less.Delete her from FB she will have the shock of her life and it will do her good. Take care Lottie

  10. Mary says:

    I think Irene has advised you well. Sorry this has happened, but let her contact you now if she wants.

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