Not invited to the wedding of a friend’s son
A woman feels hurt when she isn’t invited to the wedding of her childhood friend’s son.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
My best friend from childhood is having a destination wedding for her son. She says she’s not inviting me as she knows I can’t afford to go. I told her I’d still like an invitation as I’d like to give her son a present (as I did for her daughter). She said that it doesn’t matter as he’s financially secure. Help! Should I be hurt? We have been friends for 60 years from childhood.
Signed, Millie
ANSWER
Dear Millie,
While the costs of attending a destination wedding as a guest can be considerable, these weddings also are costly for the couple getting married and/or their families. Also, deciding whom to invite to any wedding is always tricky because it entails negotiations amongst the bride, groom and their families.
If you truly can’t afford to attend, your friend may not have wanted to place you in the awkward position of declining the invitation. Yet, I agree that she should have given you that option.
On the other hand, there may be reasons entirely unrelated to you (or her) that prevented her from extending an invitation (limited number of rooms at the destination, limits on the numbers of guests that could be invited, etc.). She may have been embarrassed to tell you the truth.
Depending on how close you feel to your friend, her son and his fiancée, you can certainly give the couple a token gift—whether or not you were invited to the wedding. It would probably be best to give the gift to them afterwards.
Although I can understand how you might feel hurt, I would suggest that you give your friend a pass on this one and try to put this hurt behind you. You are so fortunate to have a friendship that has survived for 60 years. If this is the only major transgression, it suggests that your friend may have had a limited say in deciding whom she could invite.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS, Legacy friendships
I think if it had not been a destination wedding and you had not been invited I would have felt hurt. The fact that it is and your friend is understanding of your financial situation shows she is a sensitive and caring person. he probably thought it best this way but maybe she should have explained it to you beforehand. I would just let it pass and send an appropriate gift. You were in her thoughts and not ignored.
I’m not feeling some of the other comments, which seem a bit harsh, so I’ll jump in and say that I’m sorry you’re hurting about this. It’s always nice to be included. That said, I agree with Irene that there could be many reasons other than the one given why you were not invited, and I also agree not to end a 60 year friendship over this. Wedding guest lists are difficult and generally the bride is in control. I would send a modest gift as a congratulations and then put this behind you. You can certainly let your friend know you’d enjoy seeing the pictures after the wedding, if that’s the case.
My former, best friend, interacted with my son, fairly often, as he grew up. When she saw, in a social media post, that he was engaged, she posted a reply, that she, “wanted to see the invitations.” Knowing of my former bestie’s, card making hobby, that did not surprise me. His bride-to-be sent her one, at my request. I did not expect, that she would not (even) send a congratulatory card, to my son! Had I known that would be the case, I would never have asked, that she be sent an invitation. A few weeks later I asked my son, what “Jane Doe” had sent to them. Nothing. I could tell, by his tone, that he was disappointed. He had first met her, when he was five years old. He was 30 years old when he got married.
When my son got married, the bride had the guest list on lockdown.
Your friend has no control over who gets invited. Your friend may suggest a few names, but ultimately the bride makes these decisions.
By asking your friend this question, you’ve put her in an awkward position.
You don’t need an invitation to give a gift. Send the gift to your friend and allow her to navigate the logistics of delivering the gift.
If that’s not agreeable to you, I suggest you let this go and don’t bring it up again. It’s not worth straining the friendship over.
First of all, it’s your friend’s son’s wedding not your friend’s. She already said she wasn’t going to invite you because you can’t afford it.
Therefore, please save your hurt feeling and your money. It was a blessing in disguise not to have received that invitation.
The wedding was about the bride and groom and not about the guests.
As the mother of a son who was married a couple of years ago, I can tell you that deciding which friends and relatives to invite can be very tricky and painful. In our case, the bride has a huge immigrant family, and we ended up with a limited number of people we could invite on our side. It was quite a feat of engineering — and public relations — to finalize our list for the invitations. We had to explain to some friends that we simply didn’t have the space to invite everyone we wanted — and that the main thing was that our son and his fiancé were able to invite the people THEY wanted to their wedding.
Topping off the complications, a lot of guests don’t understand the important of RSVP — so you end up with last-minute cancellations, and not enough time to invite the other people you wish you could have invited.
It’s virtually impossible to invite everyone you’d like to invite to a wedding, especially a destination wedding. But I do think it would have been kinder if your friend had explained the decision with you ahead of time. I don’t think it’s too late to let her know you’d like to send a gift — and let her know how you feel.
It sounds to me like your friend is being sensitive to your situation and trying to make sure you don’t feel obligated to spend money for the wedding. I’d appreciate the thoughtfulness and give a material, not monetary gift like a special candle or photo album.
The question “should I be hurt” is an odd one to me. Why not take your friend at her word? Don’t borrow trouble. Nobody likes being excluded, whether because of financial consideration or some other reason. I’ve never been to a destination wedding, nor could I afford it, so I can see what happened with you easily happening to me. I’d probably feel relief that I didn’t have to decline the invitation.