Not Invited To The Party: Should I Say Something?
When she’s not invited to a bar mitzvah, a teen wonders whether she should say something.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I became good friends with a girl in one of my classes, and we text and talk quite often. Last night, I had a sleepover with one of my other good friends, and she asked me if I was invited to the first girl’s Bar Mitzvah.
I was really heartbroken and have felt sad since then because I never felt left out before. I thought, “Maybe it’s because you’re not good friends with her twin.” But people who are not really close with them are going too.
I kept thinking about this for quite a long time and it really hurts. I don’t know what to do and I’ll seem annoying if I ask them why I was invited.
Signed, Allie
ANSWER
Hi Allie,
I can certainly understand how you would feel hurt and left out. But when people make big parties, even when adults plan weddings, they aren’t able to invite everyone they would like to invite. In the case of a Bar Mitzvah, parents usually have the final say in figuring out whom and how many to invite as well.
If you think about this from your friend’s perspective, it was probably hard for her and her twin to whittle down the list and she may feel just as awkward and uncomfortable as you do about not having been able to include you.
Since this is probably a busy and stressful time for your friend as she prepares for her Bar Mitzvah, I don’t think it would be a good idea to ask why you weren’t invited. It would just make her feel uncomfortable. Instead, try to bear in mind that it may not have been anything personal and a matter of numbers.
Continue to act the same way as you usually do when you see her in school or text out of school. I bet it turns out that your friend eventually says something to you.
Hope this helps a little.
My best, Irene
Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog on not being invited:
- Not Invited To The Party: Could It Be A Misunderstanding?
- Friendship Etiquette: How To Explain Not Being Invited To Other Friends
- Feeling hurt after being left out of the wedding party
Category: Child and adolescent friendships, OTHER ADVICE
bat mitzvah for a girl**
When my kids were in Hebrew School it was required to invite the whole Hebrew class to every bar/bat mitzvah. So, if you are part of the class and your temple has the same rule, it is not appropriate that you were left out. If that’s the case, tell your parents so they can handle it with the temple.
If your not part of the Hebrew class, I agree with the others that these events are expensive and you have to draw the line somewhere. However, if this is a close friends, there’s the possibility the invitation got lost in the mail. I just recently received a shower invitation 2 weeks late because the hostess put the wrong zip code on it.
In any case, please talk to one of your parents for guidance on handling this situation!
I am like many people on the planet, a born worrier. The only way that I have come to terms with my personal (most likely) inherited trait,being a worrier. I spent so many years stressing myself out over things I had no control over. The person who made the suggestion of going ahead and asking without assurance of getting the answer I wanted, was at the time dying and I was one of many friends who was there for him. At the time I had so much admiration for the way he was handling his challenge. There are often people all around us with whom we find new knowledge we may need. None of us have all the answers, but wanting our path to be smoother, we seek answers that help us. Certainly using this blog is a venue for finding many suggestions from others who may have found ideas that we may be able to use. I think I am in good company on this blog.
I cannot agree with Carol (nicely written).
Allie, I have a son the same age as you and he has been in the very same situation as you have. So I can totally understand what you are going through and feel for your pain.
I totally agree with Carol — I do think that you should politely and not confrontational to ask why you where not invited to the party. And as stipulated by Carol, be prepared to accept the answer that is given. This way you are not dwelling on it for days to come. It may have been just a slip up on their part without even realizing it.
Good luck!
A wise person in my life once told me, “You can ask anyone anything as long as you are ready to hear their answer.” I think we all would like to hear what we want to hear, but we need to be ready for what we don’t want to hear as well. We live in a very strange time as far as I am concerned. It seems we can either like or not like something, other people, etc., as if there is no uncertainty in life. Being willing to accept someone’s decision takes courage. So before you ask, make sure you are ready for their answer.
Carol
It is no fun to be left out. However, no, I wouldn’t ask why because I think that would be poor manners in the same way inviting yourself would be. We’re not owed an invitation from anyone in the same way we’re not owed a gift from anyone. Asking why you didn’t get one comes across like you think you were entitled to it, when, unfortunately, that’s not the case.
It’s likely this is an expensive event per person and they just couldn’t invite everyone. Hopefully, your friend will say something about it to you herself so that you’ll know it wasn’t meant as a personal slight. Sorry you weren’t invited.
^^This, this, this. 100% this. Unfortunately, this is one of those hurtful lessons in life that comes early: plant an expectation, reap disappointment.
You are entitled to your feeleings of hurt and exclusion, but it is important to keep in mind that you are not entitled to an invitation from anyone. It is better to say “I prefer to go to [event] with someone” rather than “I WILL go to [event] with someone”. It’s helpful to not be attached to any outcome… if you’re invited, great. If not, you have other things to do and other places to go, so it won’t feel like such a personal slight.