No Friends: Why can’t I connect with a friend?
Many people have a hard time connecting with others.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I find your blog very interesting and often moving. Sometimes my own circumstances mirror those of others, in terms of having no friends at all. I’m 63, retired, happily married and count my blessings. But despite a lot of effort, time, thought and I might add, money, I have completely failed in building any kind of social circle.
I do try to be a sympathetic listener and thoughtful observer, and I love to laugh. My husband and I have entertained hundreds of people in our home in the last 12 years, I worked very hard as a volunteer for a local public institution for 5 years, I’ve reached out to distant family members and classmates — all to no avail. No phone calls, no invites, no reciprocity. I feel so frustrated, used and discouraged. Perhaps it would be better to learn how to gracefully accept a state of aloneness. Can you help with that?
Signed, Karen
ANSWER
Hi Karen,
Many posters on this blog have expressed frustration, similar to yours, about not being able to connect with friends. You see yourself as friend-worthy (and probably are), try to do all the right things to find friends and keep them, yet haven’t been able to achieve mutually satisfying friendships.
Clearly, there are others who want to make friends just as much as you do—not just on this blog, but all around you. Feeling alone and friendless is not something women talk about openly because we often feel judged by our ability to make and keep friends.
Although this problem is fairly common, there are no easy answers because the reasons for it vary from person to person. Without knowing you, an outsider can only guess. It could have to do with you, your circumstances, or some combination of the two. Perhaps, you’re not aiming for the right type of person, or maybe there is something you’re doing inadvertently that puts people off.
The only way to really delve deeper would be to ask someone whom you know and trust. This could be a perfect role for a friend—but since that doesn’t seem feasible, it might be worthwhile to speak to a mental health professional about this specific problem, maybe even for just a session or two. Hopefully, this person could help you gain more insight. You are certainly not too old to make new friends, and it sounds like you aren’t ready to resign yourself to loneliness—which is a good thing.
One other thought: Be sure to leave the house, at least several times a week, and put yourself in places with other people, even if it means quietly reading a book at the library or taking a walk outdoors. Being at home, thinking about being with others, is especially conducive to feeling alone when you desire connection.
Hope this helps.
Warm regards, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog on having no friends:
- Why do some women have such a hard time making friends? Nature of Nurture
- Why would someone have no friends?
- Making friends at 60: I don’t want to die alone
Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS
Hi all,stumbled on this site on a day I was feeling really sorry for myself for missing that most needed girl talk and camaraderie. I have friends who care for me but living quiet far away.now where I ve been living for past 6 y years friendless for reason not known to me makes me sad and lonely. I ve started feeling that there is may be something wrong wit me-may be very boring.i m doing a lot of self introspection these days. Anyways glad to know I m not alone.
I just realized that emotional neglect as a child has colored every aspect of my life and the inability to connect with people has a lot to do with it. Sounds to me like many others here may have the same or similar attachment disorder; it can manifest as avoidant disorder, too.
ok so i desperately need advice. heres the thing. i reconnected with an old school friend on facebook recently and we got chatting and met up last week. she seemed keen to stay in touch, said she didnt have tons of friends and can find it hard to trust people due to previous friends ditching her etc, so it seemed like we were 2 lonely souls who could get on and see more of each other, and we both agreed a second meeting would be good.
since then, this week, ive heard from her a bit asking how i am etc, but now shes randomly gone quiet. now i can get very anxious etc so its now friday and ive not heard since wednesday, if i dont hear by sunday i want to send a casual message along the lines of hope u had a good weekend etc, but was just curious as you have been very quiet lately, and i was a bit baffled as i thought you wanted to stay in touch…. OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT
Can someone please help me with the wording as i dont want to make her feel bad but equally it has been worrying me and i am anxious and if she is having doubts about us hanging out id rather know sooner rather than later and its better to be honest and draft a nice text, but i just need help with the exact wording
for the record ive not done or said anything odd. ive been as cool as a cucumber, but obviously not tooooo cool, i have made an effort etc
please comment XXXXXXXX with advice/things to write on the message on sunday – assuming ive not heard by then that is
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I can relate to this post. I’m 32 and always had trouble connecting to others. I’ve also been bullied when I was in my teens and subsequently suffered from anxiety and depression for many years so this may be a factor in the difficulty I felt. Even if I did make a friend, I could not keep the friendship going. I tried my best to be a good listener, to be understanding and to accept people for the way they are but they never stick around. I don’t know how people manage to keep friendships for 20 years plus or more. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know what people’s expectations are. It seems one minute people will tell you that you’re their best friend and the next day, you no longer exist to them. I feel as if the more you give the more it drives people away thus I’ve given up hope on trying to find friends and connect with anyone.
hi Athelas
u sound EXACTLY like me. i am also 32, i was bullied at school as well, and im also now very anxious. i do manage to keep a few friendships going, but these are not PROPER friendships, these people dont really care, they are more acquaintances. sometimes i feel as if i push people away by being too clingy, although ive since tried to stop that and have cut way down and now play it cool, not too cool but im not full on anymore. please see my post today under my name if u can, as i need help trying to work out if someone has ditched me or not, and i need help with how to draft a message to her to find out but without sounding like a nutter
i connect with my boyfriend, he gets me, he still thinks i can be a bit odd but generally he gets me, but its diferent i find with men and especially your boyfriend, a you still need girly friends edtc
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I see the same thing. The worls is changing. Even Christians at church. I was part of a homeschool group and felt I had to do all of the party inviting and play dates. And everyone was friendly until it came to hanging out. Something wrong with women…too judgemental!..evrn church people.
i can’t make friends nobody wants me to bewith them
why
I have a hard time finding friends my age. I’m 36 (soon to be 37) and have no friends in my immediate area. My best friend lives almost 100 miles away and I see her maybe once a year if we’re lucky. I took a job 1 1/2 years ago to try to make friends, but all my co-workers are either in their 20s and into dorky stuff I’m not into and still living with Mommy and Daddy or in their 40s, 50s and 70s having kids way older or grandkids. It would be great to meet someone I have something -anything in common with of either gender. I’m sick of not having anyone to hang out with or talk to.
Pick something, anything else besides work you might have an interest in. You don’t have to be an expert at it. Check out “Meetup” and other sites offering that kind of activity in your area and attend a session. If you have two or three interests, better still. Take a chance. What have you got to loose? Remember that having you ask them to show you how to do things makes people feel smart, which is going to make them like you, if you’re sincere about it.
Also, try not to look down on people. Those “dorky” types living with Mom and Dad might be saving up for something important, like education. Some older people might have more in common with you than you realize, if you were willing to talk to them.
Years ago, reporter Barbara Walters wrote a book with a title something like ‘How to talk to practically anybody, about practically anything.’ She mentioned not being sure what to say when she was nervous about interviewing a millionaire. She used her imagination and asked “What was the very first job you ever had,” and hit the journalist’s jackpot when he opened up and really started talking.
Anyone met a nice person who asked for your number and never followed up with a phone call. Heard she has been very busy but to me, that is an excuse. If you really want a new friend it takes two seconds to pick up the phne.
I can relate to this–basically, when I was six I moved away for a few years. I was homeschooled so I had practically no social interactions besides my counsins, aunt, uncle, and family. Then I moved back about three years ago. A year after that, I started sixth grade at public school, only I was so shy I barely said a word to anyone besides the teachers. I had a group to eat with at lunch, but I could barely talk to them. In seventh grade, I became a lot more outgoing, but it was like everyone had labeled me as that “shy girl” already. Now I’m in eighth grade and I feel so lonely and left out sometimes I cry. I only had a few sort of close friends, and they aren’t even in my grade. At first I wanted to be friends with the popular crowd, but now I’d be fine with just one friend. I’m worried that I’ll still be all alone in high school. Does anyone have any advice?
I can relate to some of the things you’ve said. I used to be fairly shy and overly sensitive. As the years passed, I kind of learned how to soldier through it, at least to some extent. I suppose you’ve done something similar, since you’ve said you’ve became a lot more outgoing. But, I wish I had someone who could have helped me overcome this earlier.
It helps if you try to understand the problem – or at least some aspects of it. In particular, it helps to try and understand your own fears and inhibitions, and it helps to try and understand how other people deal with social situations similar to those that you find challenging. Like, what is it that they do differently?
For example, I’ve noticed that most people usually just go for it, even though they often enough *do* end up feeling awkward, or end up saying something stupid – but for them, it’s not a big deal, emotionally. They’ll just laugh it off and run with it. I know it’s not easy, but you could train yourself to do that. It’s not going to work the first time you try it, or the second time, but, it might work after a number of tries.
Are you a very private person? If so, you may have to take some risks and open up a bit. Take it one step at a time, though. If you’ve build an emotional wall to help you deal with the world, you may have to tear a part of it down. It’s OK to be vulnerable. In social situations where people are maintaining a generally friendly attitude, it’s OK not to be perfect, it’s OK to make mistakes. Everyone does it at some point. When you open up to someone, you are extending trust to them, and that earns their trust in return. Sometimes it will backfire, but sometimes it will not. Things will probably go just fine once they get to know you. But first you have to let them. It’s a gamble, but one that will probably pay off most of the time (or at least a significant proportion of the time) – and that’s why you have to be strong enough not to give up when it doesn’t work. You don’t need a wall to shield you from the outside world, you need a way to get right back up whenever you stumble or fall.
And, just to be clear, I’m not saying any of this is your fault, but I am saying that you can do something about it.
It’s OK to have friends that are not your age, but it is also OK to want friends that are. Also, know that you don’t have to be friends with everyone. Those in the “popular crowd” don’t want to be friends with you? Well, their loss. Maybe they aren’t worth it.
High school is a chance to reinvent yourself. Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t pretend to be someone you’re not – you should always be yourself; what I mean is, it’s a new environment, and this will enable you to leave any baggage behind. You won’t be “that shy girl”, you’ll just be a girl. Take those risks. Open up. Even if you end up being “that shy girl” again, you’ll probably be a different kind of “shy girl” compared to the one you were before – one that is much more outgoing (as that’s what you already are), and hopefully one with more friends.
You’ll find that simple things can work really well. For example, smiling and establishing eye contact. Genuine smiles are disarming. Most of the time, people just can’t help but smile back. And that can basically break the ice before you even say a word. Again, it may take some practice before you’ll able to pull it off, but if you can do it, it’s a great tool to have. And it will build your self confidence. And it’s another thing you can learn about by observing other people do it.
I hope at least some of that was helpful. You seem like a nice person, and I’m sure other people can see that as well.
Thanks for adding these very helpful tips/ideas! Best, Irene
I cannot make any of friends In America I donot know why but I cannot
friendless cause I’m menially handicapped and so “forever alone” sucks to be me.
mentally retarded that’s why I’m literally friendless, I’m just not normal and so nobody wants to have anything to do with me since I’m mentally handicapped, I stumbled on this site looking for sites to make friends/support/activity partners/ etc and never never never getting anywhere. well posting this and going back to pointless wasting my time looking to make new friends when I know it completely pointless good night a livin. sucks to be me.
We are all lonely for different reasons “nobody.” Do you know you just taught me something?
I just realized that in thinking “maybe this person could find friends who are also mentally retarded, because they will have something in common,” I realized that looking for another 64 year old who is caring for a parent who can no longer walk or talk might be the best way for me to solve my loneliness problem.
How about special olympics? Maybe you don’t consider yourself physically fit,but if you showed up and said, “Hey, I’m a beginner. Can you help me get started?” folks there would be excited to help. You could exchange numbers with people there, and if you decided exercise is just not for you (even though it raises a person’s endorphin level and makes them feel great,) you would have these contacts you made – possible new friends.
Oh- and forgive me for talking too much when I point out one last thing. Psychiatrist Daniel Amen says that the only place where people are ‘normal’ is in the town of ‘Normal,’ in Illinois.
He jokes “There, you can go to the ‘Normal’ drug store, eat in a ‘Normal’ restaurant, and wonder-of-wonders, meet ‘Normal’ women!”
All the so-called friends I ever had were just users. They only call when their bored, have nothing to do, and their spouse isn’t around. As soon as their spouse gets home, it’s “I have to go”. They never call just to go do stuff like movie, shopping, whatever. Or they call when they need something. So I just deleted these users out of my phone and wont bother with them if they call. One girl keeps texting me “we got to get together”. We made plans and she bailed out 3 times already so I deleted her # too. Their life just revolves around their boyfriend or spouse. One day they might be divorced and then they’ll wonder why their alone.
Jack, I can see why you listed being a misanthrope as a reason not to have friends, however, generally a misanthrope intentionally stays away from typical human interactions by their own choice. I think that is the big thing: choice.
I would guess most people here are not a misanthrope, because most misanthropes realize that that’s just how they are and the consequences of being that way – without usually caring. Somehow I don’t think many of them would end up here, as they tend to be self-aware of their personality and preferences with people.
The term “misanthrope,” might be a bit misleading in some ways because I think people do have certain requirements for a deep friendship. It doesn’t mean one doesn’t fit in or doesn’t like people or what they do, it’s just that we are all different. For you, a self-proclaimed misanthrope, it is something that you are and you are aware of the lack of good friends because of it. I would guess many people are not as self-aware.
The world really isn’t a kind place, so having friends around can make it more tolerable (at least in my mind).
For those who like people and may not be working on a specific cause (although many who do still have camaraderie within those groups).
I just think it’s harder as we get older because some of our close friends die, and perhaps we move, and joining a group of well-established long-term friendships can be difficult.
Here’s to finding new friends whom we care about — and care about us! 🙂
Buttercup sure is a friendly-looking handle. I can only guess your full situation. Women seem to be more hopeful about the human condition in general. As life-carriers I can guess why.
Regarding misanthropy, it’s a term I don’t prefer to use but can’t find a better one. It does lend itself to pigeonholing. There are negative, Scrooge-like misanthropes and just disappointed ones like me. When you know you’ll have to put up with shallowness, and shallowness invariably annoys you, it becomes a closing circle.
No doubt I also suffer from social laziness. It takes effort to get out there when you’d rather sleep in after a draining work week. The effort/reward ratio always goes through my mind. Hanging out “just because” has never had much appeal.
There’s a thing many people do that I call huddling. It involves sitting around yakking about frivolous stuff in some restaurant or concert venue to see and be seen. I can deal with 10 or 15 minutes of huddle talk, then my inner Rust Cohle kicks in and I want to shake up the conversation; “Don’t you people think about anything besides money, cuisine, hotel bargains, bad movies, the latest team stats and whatever new toy you bought?” But I know where it would lead so I avoid the whole scene.
I’ve also never had male buddies beyond tossing around a ball or school-related things in the distant past. Those types of friendships often end up as ego competitions and I’m done proving myself. There are people I talk to at work, sometimes in depth (until they start blaming everything on the government) but I don’t hang out with them later. I don’t go to company picnics, either.
Thanks, Jack – I like my nickname of Butter Cup.
I’m confused as to why you are engaging in conversation about having friends, while at the same time saying that you do not like people. “A walking contradiction.”
There are plenty of smart people out there. Smart people usually find other smart people. Frivolous conversation is just that: frivolous. Yet, many people don’t have those kinds of conversations because they’re interested in a load of other things. Maybe you missed out on my generation (you said you’re in your fifties), and all the generational movements we were involved in that changed a lot of what happens now. I do see more apathy now, however, I’m sure there are people who are dedicated to causes, and intensely so.
I honestly don’t know the kinds of people you have described (I’m sure I know some, but I don’t hang out with them). I think you also hit the nail on the head. Tired or not from work, you do have to put in your own effort to find those with whom you feel more comfortable.
I wish you good luck with this. If you work in a government job (you mentioned blaming the gov’t.), then you’ll find more people who slide by. And AGW has people on both sides. Pick your poison.
Perhaps you might find more intellectual stimulation and people of your own sort. Smart people can usually easily detect other smart people.
If you’re looking for intellectual stimulation, even while working, learn a (to some) difficult language like Russian or Japanese. You’ll find stimulating people learning those kinds of languages, and then join a Meetup to practice the language. Or start a side company while working — it’s a chance to shine with your intellect, yet work alone — it can be very satisfying. If you’re not, become a blogger on topics you love — and others may hate — a perfect recipe for dialogue. Writing on a wide variety of deeper topics can be gratifying.
As my daughter so astutely pointed out to me, “Mom, people really don’t care about other people. They mainly care about themselves.” She’s not a misanthrope, but rather realistic.
I hope you find that intellectual challenge – I understand that point of view. I have always enjoyed the company of highly intelligent people — not that they’re always nice, but they can be very interesting. And many have quite a good sense of humor despite dark underpinnings.
This board has made me really think through the topic of friendships. Thanks for your input.
Butter Cup
Buttercup, I was really happy to read your response. I did not know how to google this in few enough words but I just learned the term I’ve been looking for all along: misanthrope.
I think I’m a misanthrope…or at least I used to be. I used to have a lot of friends and was familiar with everyone from every social circle in my area and beyond. However about 6 years ago I observed the two-faced-ness of everyone and decided that nobody is my REAL friend! So I pulled back, and didn’t care. I would just hang out who was really there with no connection (always getting high) and just never really cared. Well, for all these years I was okay with my everyday life until recently…my ex-boyfriend would bully me about not having any friends…and I never really felt insecure or bothered about it because I was fine in life…but now I am bothered by it. I get bored far too often now. I have so much I want to say and no one to say it to. And now its been so long since I’ve had a social life that I don’t know how to get back into it all. I almost enjoy strangers moreso because I am always so paranoid about people backstabbing me with what I confide about.
Well that’s my story folks. Have a good one. lol.
There’s probably nothing wrong with you, except that you became burdened with a conscience aka morality! I think misanthropy is mainly an unfiltered look at the human condition, as replicated in droves by the typical copycat, superficial personality. You have to make yourself behave like most people to get along with them, so a type of crowd reinforcement happens.
Some of us can’t stomach doing that indefinitely. We reach a point, usually in our 30s or 40s where we’ve had enough, so we make a psychological break into living authentically and it’s hard to turn back and hang out with the standard mob. Our circle of friends automatically shrinks after that Rubicon into sincere behavior is crossed. Average people are jaded and don’t really want to improve the human condition, so it’s a shame that misanthropes are seen as the downer people. The negative connotations of “misanthrope” presume that it’s fine to act shallow like most people and only reveal your true self when you’re drunk, etc.
But those default behaviors are the problem, not the solution! A world ruled by authentic people would be a much less dysfunctional or boring place. Misanthrope is an unfortunate word, really. I vote for calling us “authentic,” not haters of what people *could* be at their best. It’s like the line in Planet Of The Apes where he says “I can’t help thinking somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than Man…,” meaning the bulk of average people, not the exceptional ones. It’s a lament about the rareness of character. I often wonder if true decency is genetically determined.
Wars, as just one example of mass shallowness, are usually started by groups people trying to save face or engaging in petty one-upmanship, whereas authentic people see through that mindless behavior. The absurd levels of hype shown for sports teams is a good parallel, and many people take it too seriously. You can see how fan behavior aka fanaticism or BIRGing develops into international conflict based on the same petty origins. In other words, people who act “normal” are causing far more problems than the ones who break through the phony veneer of standard behavior. Misanthropes are the good ones!
Dear nobody
i had the same experience a long time ago . i pulled myself away from friends and started to hang out alone but i got addicted to codeine not smoking up . I couldn’t care less of what people are doing . In my mind they were all bad people . selfish peopl(from experience I had in my life) .
Then when I decided to stop taking drugs and face my life , it took me time to realize that people are not bad just the one I was hanging with were.
you must see that people are like you , that they 2 have there own problems they need to deal with , and the everyday routine from going to school or job to gym . they are working really hard to become better person just like you .
and know that deap inside people are good . Not your deap inside but deap inside people everyone is looking for happiness and trying to reach some sort of goal.
Also you must know that there are bad people in this life that don’t deserve you friendship. So chose the good people
My only real friends over several decades (after college) have been various girlfriends, who I tended to get bored with due to their lack of intellect, though a few were exceptions and we’ve remained friends at a distance. I don’t like the concept of marriage and getting stuck with someone who has limited amount in common, once the physical passion subsides.
As I’ve gotten older (over 50 now) I want less and less to do with people in general, since I tend to find them glib and self-absorbed when important topic come up. All they seem to care about is money and image. Example: Bring up a topic like AGW (critical to the world’s future) around typical Americans and you tend to get snarky jokes, dismissals or blank stares. You might call me an environmental misanthrope because I can’t tolerate being around the all-too-common apathy I experience.
Advice for others: If you have trouble making friends, ask yourself if you actually LIKE most people you meet. You might be a misanthrope and not realize it, or you might find them boring and they get that signal, so they don’t follow up with you.
I’d rather be alone (aside from various girlfriends) than have a “circle of friends” just to seem normal.
Jack, I can see why you might have trouble keeping friends since you think your intelligence
level is so much higher then most. Do you think everything must be turned into a debate? A little of that goes a long way. My late husband had genius level intellect but he used his brain power to enjoy life, love the beauty of nature and nurture his friendships. So take a chill pill. The world is a mess in a lot of ways , but there are still people and potential friends who will add to your life if given the chance.
I’m glad you replied because your “chill” reply is very typical of what I experience. I don’t claim to be smarter than everyone (in the abstract sense of that word) just more future-wise in my willingness to see the downsides of modern life vs. basking in its luxuries. I’m the type who investigates odd noises or the smell of smoke vs. saying “it’s just the wind” or “speaking of smoke, how about some barbecue for dinner!”
You mention “love the beauty of nature” which is precisely what’s being destroyed by an apathetic species that can’t perceive its own role in the destruction. All most people seem to care about is raking in money however they can, and too many jobs depend on runaway consumption.
Some of us are very disappointed with what the human race could have been vs. what it’s become. Once that awareness Rubicon is crossed it’s impossible to turn back and just chill out to get along with people, unless one drinks a lot! This is usually impossible to explain to the stay-happy crowd, and you may reply to me with a double-chill message (an endless denial loop). That’s a major reason why some of us have given up on friendships with at least 80% of people we encounter. We’re trying to rise above standard comfort zones and find the company frustratingly sparse.
Look up “environmental apathy” to further understand how we perceive others. The willingness of Americans to squander oil is a good example. If most people bothered to learn how critical and finite it really is, you’d see major behavior changes. I could get way off topic for a friendship blog so I’ll stop there.
‘If you have trouble making friends, ask yourself if you actually LIKE most people you meet. You might be a misanthrope and not realize it, or you might find them boring and they get that signal, so they don’t follow up with you.’
This is the answer i believe I was looking for. Since I was a school kid, (im 29 now), I could never really connect with other people. I had a phobia of meeting new people (maybe because I immigrated to the UK as a child and knew no english so felt extremely isolated) and for years I had trouble trusting and connecting with friends on deeper level. I had drinking friends etc but that’s about it.
After reading your comment, I came to a massive realization, that later in my early 20’s, I have never really liked the people I was meeting. Most of them were painful to be around, primitive, not very intellectual etc etc and I just wanted to stay far away from them.
So the only time I enjoyed myself with them was when I was drunk.
As I got older, I had friends who wanted to be in my company but I was avoiding them i.e: cancelling meetings often, not answering their calls etc. I didn’t realise that being unreliable like that, can have an effect on my mental well being because as a result of my actions, later in life, those friends would do the same to me that I did to them and it made me wonder why they not picking up, responding to my messages at times etc.. and all that it was, was for the simple reason that it was me who kept my distance at the beginning and it was their way of punishing me. Maybe they felt rejected etc.Im just guessing that its that, but it all makes sense now.
Anyway, what you said was a big eye opener and I will now do more research on it 🙂
Jack C, marry me.
I’m sorry that your husband is gone and am glad he found peace. I’ve encountered people who seem very bright yet find ways to compartmentalize their thinking into specialized fields and screen out negative “distractions.” Most people stay content by remaining oblivious to all but life’s immediate concerns, which is how people evolved to cope with uncertainty. The human predicament is no longer that simple but the original programming remains.
I left a technical field because too many of the engineers were obsessed with human progress being all about technology and producing as much stuff as possible to coddle population growth. Many days I feel like Lowell in the “nobody cares!” scene from 1972’s “Silent Running” where he confronts the environmental apathy of other crew members. He was stuck on a spaceship with only them and had slim pickings for friends.
Jack, As one human being it would be impossible if you could truly fix everything, that is not what life is. Doesn’t mean that your complacent about other issues with the human race. So to make a difference you pick out one thing or two, concentrate on those and in the process would find like minded people. My husband was an Engineer also that was his job , but he also spent alot of his free time working for an agency to keep our rivers safe and to support the natural wildlife because he enjoyed canoeing. Out of that he made several good friends.
Not all people are so great, but there are some amazing people out there. You must have something going for you if have had all these girlfriends. So chill (that one is for you Jack), and don’t give up on people. There are some good ones out there.
I agree with you in theory but I see too much greenwashing while root causes go ignored. For example, population growth needs to stop for true environmental gains, yet the whole economy is based on it. A lot of engineering is now being put into energy sprawl (e.g. wind turbines) ostensibly helping the environment while defiling the landscape. I see such hypocrisy in many realms and can’t gloss it over.
I wish I could share the “people are basically good” outlook but base greed tends to reveal itself if you question comfortable habits. People say I need to join a group involved in cleanup or restoration but that’s not been my style. I will need a major attitude shift or lucky meetings to change things.
Didn’t say people are basically good , I think everyone has their inner demons , some control them better then others. But I chose to spend time with people with good hearts, sometimes their true nature is not revealed until life challenges appear, but then you know you have gold in your life.
Jack do you share that base greed? What are you typing on for this message? Best way to avoid technology and anything else we are used to this day and age is to live off the grind.
I have a feeling your a good guy, your just throwing up smoke screens and not letting people get to know you.
True, you didn’t use those words. I just think the general mantra in America is that people ARE basically good while the government and other detached entities make convenient scapegoats for lack of personal accountability. People tend to pass responsibility to a distant, nameless “they” while acting self-righteous in their own lives. I can pick up on that attitude literally seconds into a conversation, like the other day when someone was whining about a gas price conspiracy and refused to spend 10 minutes reading an article on the limits of shale fracking.
I could spend all day listing examples; the environment is the most significant to me because it involves long-term survival. Some people become activists to work out frustrations, then get jaded when nothing much improves. Others press onward.
I actually get along fine with most people until they reveal their self-centeredness, then I can’t respect them. Of course there have been exceptions but as one gets older, tolerances for unwanted behavior tighten. I often relate more to fringe types like the intelligent homeless than the average person, but I don’t want to hang out with them for other reasons! I have a theory that some of the “mentally ill” are just hyper realists who’ve cut through the baloney and can’t take what they see, so they drop out.
I’ve had long-term girlfriends who never quite understand me, but needs get met. ;-] I function well enough socially within those limits. I mainly posted here to suggest that misanthropy is a big reason for lack of friendships. A lot of people just aren’t pleasant to be around. Thanks for your suggestions, though I’ve over them in my mind many times.
I forgot to add: Yes, I recognize when I’m personally motivated by greed and don’t let it happen often. It takes less effort each year, once you recognize that inborn trait. Those who’ve made no attempt to restrain their behavior are easy to spot.
The Bible had it mostly right about “sinners” but religion tends to evade personal responsibility with concepts of supernatural forgiveness. A few rise above that crutch and seem genuinely good. The current Pope impresses me as someone who’d be worth knowing.
I agree Pope Francis would be the Pope who I would love to meet.
I came upon this site while feeling sorry for myself on this 4th of July. My husband is enjoying his day watching golf on TV and I have been checking my facebook friends and relatives. I have decided that facebook browsing can be a depressing venture.I typically have nothing to post due to my lack of friends and social life. I realize I need to join groups as mentioned on previous posts. I know the ball is in my court in regards to finding friends and need to get out in the public.
Does anyone have simple and realistic ideas on how to walk into a room, all by yourself, and make things happen without appearing pushy,etc? I am now retired,68, and have no connections with my former fellow employees.
Hi, cuddlesann, I understand and just got off of FB. Looking to see what my friends are doing is very depressing. I am 54 and am alone most of the time. I am also a Britt living in the USA, and people do not understand me or have preconceived notions of English women. Try googling, meet ups , in your area. There are tons of groups, from hiking, to sewing, vegan, voga, all groups for like minded people. From everything I read millions of people are feeling this disconnect with the world. Social media has made more people stay at home, and texting I hate it all. So try and get to meet new people. Hope that helps. I am going to try and this can be frightening too try. Also I am lowering my expectations of others, maybe they are too high. Also I trying looking at all the good i have, I am sure you do too. We both need that connection, praying you find it….
thank you for your reply and ideas. You have encouraged me.
I’d look for someone standing alone, smile and introduce myself, “Hi, I’m Amy. I love your dress. This is my first time here and I don’t know anybody. How long have you been coming?” I find this to be less awkward and more confidence building that hoping someone talks to me first.
People love to talk about themselves. I ask a lot of questions, because I’m genuinely interested in people and their lives, but not in a way like I’m a lawyer grilling a witness. I ask about kids and grandkids and if they have pictures on the phone. If you have a local baseball team and follow them, you can mention a game or who made the all-star team. TV, books, music, movies. Knitting, crafts.
If I’m feeling uncomfortable I offer to help out the host, “you’d be doing me a favor if you give me a job.”
Remember people usually post the good stuff on FB, they don’t mention the kid who never calls, the grandkid in rehab, they got stood up for an outing etc.
thank you for your reply. you have encouraged me.
Most people only share selective, positive information on Facebook. Facebook is life through rose colored glasses. So, don’t compare your self to an illusion.
Your comment is greatly appreciated. I need to remember that.
Cuddlesann: There might be a clue in the very last word, above. Do you think having been a likely-successful entrepreneur gives you an air of self-confidence? Might some be intimidated? Go humble, when you walk into that room. Scary as it feels, walk up to somebody who looks uncomfortable and confide “Geeze, I don’t know anybody here! Do you?”
I like you, because your comment about feeling sorry for yourself means you are a self-examing person who does not put the blame for her troubles on everybody else. Keep up the good work.
p.s.: whoops! I meant ‘self-examINing!’ =P
…ENing? I better go look that up.
I’ve thought about this since reading this blog and thinking about it made me realise that the best friends I have had in my life were friends I made while doing things together, not necessarily through talking. Maybe that’s the problem! There is a thread of ” they only ring me when they need me” in a lot of posts and I do think that a lot of women do this to each other – confide when they need to, but not really there for each other. It’s a rare friend who is really there for you and loves you as a person, and usually that’s a friend who knows you very well and has shared many experiences with you.
I also think that as we all get older, our experiences in life vary so greatly that we are not as similar to each other when we’re younger so it’s harder to make a real friend.
Many if not most women end up putting all their energy into partners and children, so they are the ones who share all the experiences with you and really know you.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, this loneliness, I kind of think it’s the way western society operates – not so much as a community, but everyone in separate compartments or on their own. I think that’s why loneliness is such a big problem these days.
I have learned a lot from reading these responses! I don’t have the answers really, but I do think that none of us should blame ourselves or think something is wrong with us. And I hope everyone here finds their own answer (including me!)
Great post!
i just found this blog and I’m so relieved to hear that I’m not the only one having these kinds of problems. I’m 70 – but still working full time from home. It gives me a lot of flexibility – and although I think of retiring I’m making such good money I’m hesitant to do so ( also the fact that I didn’t plan for retirement as I should have – but that’s a whole other story). I’ve never had a lot of women friends – but the few I’ve had have been great. Then two years ago my dearest friend of all was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away three months later. She and I were both only children and had been friends since we were seven years old. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that loss. I do have several good women friends who I met through a local knit shop that has since closed. I love to knit and when I first moved to the area I live in ten years ago I started going there on Saturday afternoons to sit around and knit. Then I took some classes there too – and ended up making some really good friends. These are all women I never would have met otherwise – and are very different than me – but we share a love of knitting. Now we get together every Saturday afternoon at a Starbucks or someone’s house to knit and go out to eat. One of my best knitting friends is moving away in a few months and it has me thinking about trying to make other friends. But how? I live with my ex-husband ( yes, you heard that right, ex-husband) – our marriage didn’t work out but our divorce didn’t work out either. He’s great but not at all social and men – especially older men – don’t seem to have the need for other men friends like women do. I’d really like to have more women friends – I too feel lonely – I have two married daughters I’m close to and grandchildren – so I’m blessed with all of them – but it’s not the same as women friends. I think this blog will give me lots to think about ……
Jo, Very good and well thought out post.
I agree with Laura. If there was a ‘like’ button under your post, I’d have clicked it!
I, too, have the same problem! I have moved to different states over the years, but now am 67 and living in the Santa Cruz, California area.
It was so much easier when I was younger to connect with people, but now it does seem challenging. I think that retiring was actually a “bad” idea, as it does disconnect relationships.
I find it difficult to find groups for my age, and I long for close female friends. I have a couple of people I do get together for lunch, but not like I had in the past.
If anyone is interested, we could start a LinkedIn Group about this topic. For anyone of any age, and see what solutions or decisions people have made.
If you’re interested and see this, please comment, and I’ll be notified of any followup comments via email. I would be happy to start the group.
Glad I found this. Thanks!
Hi Buttercup!!
I have had a lot of hurt and pain in my life which resulted in some depression..unfortunately, with depression can come negativity and isolation. Not about to give in to these emotions I started asking people how to connect and someone told me about Meetup groups. I live in a large city so when I went onto the website I was shocked at how many groups and how many people were on them. I have signed up for a few and so now if I’m alone its because I choose to be. Since your retired what about doing volunteer work. You can find resources for that on the Meetup groups too.It takes time to build loving, trusting relationships and I have found them to be few and far between in my life (I’m 61). I think finding friends is a lot like finding a mate..if your too picky you wont find one. God willing we will all find that one really close friend that we can confide in and know has our back. Cheers to all of us for communicating and trying 🙂
Thanks for your reply, Sher. I have found that most of the Meetup groups in my area are for younger people (it’s a heavily young population here). I have been to a few meetups, and the ones that were for over 55+ was a group that I just did not fit in with.
I may try the Osher Foundation here, too. It is not a real active Osher, but it has some things.
I worked in a “helping” profession for a long time, so I have not done volunteering, as it seemed like a repeat of what I had been doing before. I am more open to it now, so I may find something.
I guess it’s just that it’s the quality of friendships and the length of them. The ones from long ago are better as there is time involved, but then there’s the distance as many of us have moved onto other cities.
It’s just a problem I never thought I’d have like this and I find it sad and lonely. If I had the money to up and move to another location, I would probably do that. Where I am is very young, and youth oriented. Many of the older people are married and have each other.
The town I live in has a lot of beauty and I do things on my own. Many people my age are not into hiking or walking (some have developed disabilities and that cuts down on choices, too). It’s just tricky.
At least this forum/blog makes me not feel like I’m the only one. I’ve been thinking of getting a job again, just to be around people more regularly (and extra income).
We’ll see. Thanks for your insight.
Hello,
I find myself very lonely these days. Although I am not one to stay at home if I don’t have anyone to go on vacation with or camping I go, I go on my own, but that said it leaves me feeling very very “alone”.
I have tried meetups, and other groups for over 5 years now and still cannot make friendships that last.
Something happened at work this morning that makes me wonder about myself. I went to two colleagues to share a video that I had taken and one girl seemed open to it while the other girl had a scowl on her face and seemed angry and her head was down working. So I only shared with the girl that seemed open to listen to me. Moments later the other girl was angry with me, apparently for feeling ignored and my not sharing with her.
It gave me food for thought. Do I do this with people? Could that be why I have problems making friends? Family relationships, are not good and they don’t want to spend a lot of time with me.
Making the decision to “go it alone” is not working either. The future doesn’t look very inviting.
Hi,
I have been lurking here for a bit, but felt like responding to your idea. I know you posted this a while ago, but I’m interested in your LinkedIn suggestion.
I’m 45, married, with an 8 year old son–which puts me in an awkward place for finding other female friends. Most of the women with children my age are at least 10 years younger, and many have more than one child, so as such, they seem to be so busy all the time.
I moved to a new town about 3 1/2 years ago, and I’m finding it very difficult to get past the surface with so many women. I’ve volunteered at the school kitchen, I go on a weekly women’s mountain bike ride, and still…I really only have one girlfriend here.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, if anything. So, I’m definitely curious to see what other people have tried.
I hope things have gotten much better over the last 6 months since you posted.
It’s too bad all the ladies here in their late 60’s early 70’s aren’t near my 73 year old mother–she’s loads of fun, and she’s lonely too.
Cheers!
Time makes a lot of difference. I have lived in many places and the first year is particularly hard and by 3 yrs. in, a place really begins to feel like home. It is much easier when one is young or has young children; I feel the difference strongly as a 65 year old who doesn’t work. I am beginning a writing class in January and I hope it is as much fun as others I have taken elsewhere. Find things you like to do and I know you will start to look forward to your days.
Hi,
Thanks for your response 🙂 That is the problem–I’ve been here 3 and 1/2 years, and I’m still just on the surface with people. It doesn’t yet feel like home.
I live in a major mountain bike town, and…I’m a mountain biker! Yet, I mostly still go alone, despite the fact I joined a weekly group that rides 6 months–spring to fall. I have an eight year old son, and volunteer in the school kitchen… still, nowhere. I keep thinking I’ve made headway with someone, and then…nothing, for months. I’ll try to connect, or be “pro-active”, and the person is often busy or unavailable.
It’s tough, because I moved from a place where I felt like I was a part of the community. I moved to that place, from another place, where I was deeply a part of the community. I’ve been in this place for over 3 years, and I just can’t seem to break in.
Maybe I just don’t fit in here? I can’t figure it out.
As I said, I’m at least 10 years older than all the other mother’s with same aged kids. Everyone just seems so busy here.
Maybe I’m in to much of a funk right now to see the positives, I can at least consider that as a possibility..
Thanks and cheers! 🙂
I’m a guy and relate to much of this. There’s a million suggested “solutions” but the loneliness persists. I’m looking to build quality connections with others as well.
I am 28, and i have the same problem. For me is complicated to relation with people, it is easy at the begining but later it is hard to keep the friendship. I am a smart gay guy, the people at school only talked to me to help them with studies, and now guys only talk to me to sleep with me. Including, I am a selfish guy because some traumatic events in my life,(prostitution, hiv positive) that i cant tell anybody.
My “best” friend erase my image from photos with me and herself on Facebook, my other “best” friend told another people i am hiv positive, I guess I never have choose good people.
I dont like to drink, go out to clubs, or even sometimes the parties, I am a quiet person and that doesnt help at all.
Tyhe few friends that i have are really weird (like me!) and they dont like between each other!
I try to do activites alone (like play the cello) to not feel so shitty all the time.
But well I keep trying to change myself, I mantain the hope 😉
Hello,
Okay, I seem to be having similar issues. See I am an 18 year old female. I have been told that I am extremely mature for my age, ( which I agree). I didn’t really connect with anyone in highschool ( I did move frequently) But I still just couldn’t find someone else with the same mentality level as I. It bothered me so I stuck to myself. Now graduated, I have a full time job at a nursing home, I am starting college in August, but I work with a bunch of elder women, along with some 20 year olds.. and lets just say they are all really immature. I have a hard time dealing with people who “lack common sense” I guess I should say. I have tried hanging out with people I seemed to be getting along with, but then I get upset afterwards because I feel it was a waste. A waste of time, effort and money. I have 5g saved up, I feel like I will never have enough money, so I work.. non stop. I feel like I’m on a mission. As in, school is my next step, I need to tackle that down, and I need to let go of all of the inconveniences. But then I start to feel bad, because I have to many expectations for not only myself but the people I surround myself with.. If that makes sense. I feel like I am missing my life, by just focusing on work and school. I literally don’t know how to have fun.. I’m too scared to I guess.
Anyone Relate?
I am much older than you and I was the oldest in a dysfunctional family, but I never did learn to have fun…to this day, I have to act like I am having fun…
I could have wrote this..dysfunctional family equals no learned laughter…only discontentment what a sad reality!
It is strangely encouraging to know that others feel lonely too
I suffer with these feelings regularly
Consider the possibility (with the chronically imbalanced state of the world) that most people are just flaky & shallow, and those with depth can’t tolerate their company for long. I have a specific problem with people who always have to be “happy” about everything and get glassy-eyed if you point out various failings of the human race or other “pessimistic” topics that burst their bubble. I don’t want friends who want to pretend “it’s all good” and chase the usual hedonistic pursuits.
One would think the Internet could bring like minds together but it also seems to suffer from the limited intellect of average people. I’ve tried using it to meet women with my outlook but they’ve thus far ended up too one-dimensional or so “into everything” that they lack grounding. Finding decent people when you have high moral standards is a tough quest but one must keep trying. I don’t believe in compromising personal integrity just to fit in with the masses.
People as a species have disappointed me since an early age, and I think you just have to seek out the exceptions. It may be a decades-long search that never quite materializes, or you might get lucky when you least expect it.
Dear Jack,
While I’m generally an upbeat, fun loving person, I can still relate to the way you feel. I do a lot of research around Climate Change, Capitalism, politics, etc. While I’m an extrovert (an extrovert with a touch of social anxiety, does that make any sense? If I feel comfortable, I’ll yak till the cows come home. I’m as friendly as a Labrador, but I can have sudden fits of deep self consciousness that last for days…I have ADHD, so maybe that’s part of it.)
However, I like deep subjects. If I bring up climate change, Peak Oil, transitioning from fossil fuels, Capitalism and it’s ills, global politics, socio-economics…well–a lot of people’s eyes just glaze over and they change the subject. I guess it comes across as “too negative” for a lot of people.
I seem to fit in better in communities that are full of eccentrics and misfits. Those are my people. Maybe those are your people too, and you’re just not living in the right place. 🙂
I am so glad I found this blog. I am 65 (almost) and I have never had any relationships except casual.
After moving 7 years ago, we, my husband and I were accepted into two couples relationship of 30 plus years. For the most part I have felt equal but there are times that they prefer to do things without us and I have begun to feel rejection and loneliness and although I know they were friends long before I was around, it really hurts and they are not the type to address anything to.
I have felt this way in many relationships with women or couples.
I am not sure it will ever change.
For me, the fear is being left alone…..
I would like for once to have a meaningful relationship with women, one that they would put out effort on me and where it would be mutual.
I was raised by a narcissitic mother and rejection was a treatment..
Dear Deborah,
I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to respond to so many people’s stories here. I feel so much empathy for what people write, I almost wish we could all get together on a cruise ship or a resort, rather than speak anonymously on line!
I digress–listen, I am very sensitive to rejection. Sometimes the rejection I feel is real, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes, I know I could be reading into things, but I feel it anyway. Intellectually, I know I’m doing that, but it doesn’t seem to change my sense of rejection. Considering what you said about your mother, have you considered counseling? I like counselling/therapy. It might not change your life overnight or solve all your problems, but it can help you gain insight. I would give it a try. You’ll feel heard, and maybe realize that at least some of your feelings of rejection have deep roots that have nothing to do with any one else.
Cheers 🙂
????????
Let me know if you are interested in corresponding
I relate to what you wrote.
Hi Eddy,
Welcome to this blog. Because you are new, you might not know that the blog isn’t intended to connect potential friends but rather is to help people address problems in making and maintaining friends. To discourage spammers, posters are urged not to use their real names or provide identifying information.
Thanks for your cooperation!
Best, Irene
I appreciate the sharing of experiences and thoughts in this blog, especially from Sami. I, like all of you, have had the same. I have been so desperate for guidance on the issues of loneliness and lack of friends that I have consulted a couple of therapists. Their counsel immediately devolved to suggestions on how to find friends. Which I have all tried. Which don’t work. And which I didn’t ask for. What I did ask for was help on how to gracefully cope with the loneliness. What I need are a list of how-tos on being content with my own company. What I would like is some affirmation that our culture does not look kindly on women over 50. Therefore, at the risk of identifying the gorilla in the living room, I would welcome thoughts on how to deal with being alone. Please spare me the suggestions on finding friends. And I don’t intend that last sentence to sound rude or insensitive. I am being very sincere. Thank you.
Hi there,
I know the feeling! I think it’s about finding hobbies you absolutely love and would choose to do over hanging out with other people. Some things like art and yoga are actually done best when alone, and other things like camping and hiking have amazing potential to be insightful, meaningful experiences when done alone. I’ve also found that learning how to do something new – something I’ve always wanted to do – is a great way to relieve loneliness. To me its all about building self confidence and self love, no matter who I have around to share it with. Meditation is also a great tool because it requires one to stop talking about this or that and gives great peace of mind and acceptance to what Is right now – without a need to change it. Hope this helps! It certainly helps me to remember these things myself. Cheers, xx
Hi Cammie, Thank you for your thoughtful answers. And, may I say, finally someone has acknowledged that sometimes loneliness is a condition that does not have easy shoot-from-the-hip remedies. I have tried several of your strategies and at present am in a mindfulness meditation class. To the by-yourself-list I would add gardening, baking, window shopping, reading, arts and crafts. While none of these activities is an answer in and of itself, each one can provide some brief relief. Again thanks for tackling this issue. Cheers.
Aaah yes…
How to be lonely gracefully. I too have virtually given up on the idea of woman friends. I don’t consider myself needy or giving off emotional vibes. Indeed I have managed my plaintive lonelieness for many years so I am good at it !!
I think Karen, and bearing in mind this is my own experience, you virtually make a friend of your aloneness.. I found for a long time I looked outwards for managing it ( trying to find friendship) and it was once I gained a level of acceptance around what is simply IS I was able to live with it better. I’m not so sure it was always gracefully though! So some practical ideas, were trying to timetable my day , often the night before in what I wanted to achieve. Examine my expectations of what ‘happy’ was. To just acknowledge that for me, it wasn’t the same as what it seemed for other people. I kept a journal of what gave me some form of contentment and gradually I found that literally by faking it till I made it, I actually was.!!i stopped thinking ( well mostly!) thinking about what was wrong with me. Just basicly learnt skills for living with myself. Also I tried to stop being concerned with how my life looked to others. Its amazing how much by losing those expectations and worrying about what others think , you can live more fully in tour own life…
So I think it was/ is graceful to some extent… All the best x
“What I would like is some affirmation that our culture does not look kindly on women over 50.” Affirmed! Since I crossed the 50 mark it feels harder and harder to connect with others. I used to have a great group of friends, but our paths separated when most of them married. Instead of getting married, my relationship broke down when I was 37. I did try to find another partner but it was difficult without a real friendship group, and – anyway, I’ll spare you the details.
By 50 I decided to just try and be happy on my own. I’ve done so many things since then!! I do have a couple of female friends but I still feel lonely and insecure. I hate living alone!! Although I have done so for about 10 years. I miss the easy ebb and flow and the activity when you live with others – but I couldn’t have a flatmate now, think I could only live with a partner. I find it hard to motivate myself on my own.
I don’t hate my own company, I just miss feeling connected and yet where there are opportunities to connect I kind of shy away. I think it’s true that once over 50 you are treated differently. It makes you lose confidence and I was never all that confident anyway.
I miss the kind of friend you could just watch a DVD with and relax. and maybe laugh about the awfulness of it all. Some people pity me, some look down on me because I am alone. I think that’s why I shy away, I don’t realy trust people any more. But I miss those days )-:
I keep reminding myself that I know I’m a good person and “this too shall pass”
Hi Karen,
I’m Lori. 52 yrs old. Single 7 years. Work full time and upkeep on house and animals take up a lot of time… and doesn’t leave much money… so… I totally understand! We can’t run out and find a “bestie” like you did when we were 12. So… I Read… A Lot! Do yoga, you can get dvd’s or on cable, work in the yard? Volunteer! Get a puppy? I’ve been studying on how to be happy by myself and what I find a lot of advice is to “do what you love to do” and happiness will come to you. Well… I think it takes time to figure out what you LOVE to do, and what if what makes you happy is having someone to enjoy things with???!!!! There is website called “Meet Ups” with different things to do that people just meet up and go do things.. but I will “spare you”…
What was your meetup experience like. I am Around your age, moved to a new state, tried meetups, very clicky. Very lonely but enjoy my own company.
[Last name removed from post by moderator. Please do not use last names on this blog to protect yourself from spammers. Thanks! Irene]
OMG I completely relate to what you have written.
I believe that if we have difficulty accepting something that there is something that is missing. Do you want more friends or is it that you want to feel better about your life and yourself.
I seriously wonder about these things.
I suffer in silence myself
I feel ashamed.
I’m in My early 20s & finished highschool about 4 years ago. All the friends I thought I had we barely talk I only hear from them when they want to gather for birthdays. Should I take this personal or just brush it off I want to let them know how I feel but then again my pride keeps me from doing that. I trued making new friends in college but it just seem awkward and never happened. I’m going to a new college in the fall any suggestions on making new friends.
I have been reading these blogs for about an hour now. I hear myself over and over here. It’s good to know other people are having the same problem. I think we are all overthinking this. Instead of talking, we need to actually be friends. All of us on this blog have been doing the right things with no response. That is because the good majority of people out there don’t know how to make friends or be friends. Our technology is partly at fault but this has been going on since before technology really boomed. I had what I thought were a lot of really good friends back in the 60’s and 70’s. Then I moved out of state. Despite all the letters and calls I made, none were returned. People don’t really know how to be a friend. I have recently tried to reach out to some of those people. I was in shock. One dude only wanted to talk about himself. Another woman told me never to contact her again. WTF! If only they would wake up. We all live on planet earth and we need to get along or the human race will become extinct.
I have reached out to a few people from the past or people who have moved out of state as well. With the internet, it is so easy to find old friends and stay connected with more recent ones; but the sad truth is most people don’t want to be bothered. Facebook really illustrates the point. I have reconnected with old friends this way, but the conversations, if any, have been one time, brief and superficial at best. I have to believe that we all share similar experiences using Facebook and other social media websites as well as the more old school approach of reaching out with a letter or phone call.
My conclusion (and you can take it or leave it – I am no expert):
1. True friendship requires regular maintenance, meaning true regular one-on-one interactions. If it can’t be done, the friendship will die or never come to fruition. Once it approaches death, it will be hard to bring it back, and will probably never be the same.
2. The origins of every friendship come from where you are “doing” (work, play, activities, etc). Once that connection evaporates (such as quitting a job, etc), the friendship is in jeopardy, and will most likely be downgraded to “acquaintance” and eventually “stranger”. Lee Majors put it best: “Absence does not make the heart grow fonder … it makes you forget.”
3.(Ironically)It’s nothing personal. It’s just human nature. We all prioritize things. If you are not in someone’s day-to-day life, you will be placed on the bottom of a long to-do list.
In closing, I will leave you with this thought. Do things and make new friends. If you want to reach out to old ones, don’t expect much. If they reach out to you, decide where you want to put them in your own life’s priorities.
Good Luck. I hope this helps.
Jim,
You hit the nail on the head with your lists. Friendships take work and time to nurture and so many times people stay in their own pods instead of venturing out to see what the world has to offer, I am guilty of this. I know I need to do that now because as we get older lives change, people change and I am experiencing that now. I am a widow so I know what loneliness is. My BF has become a caregiver to her husband so our visiting time is limited more then ever. Couple of my close friends have passed away , another friend disappeared after my battle with cancer, and a couple of other friends are a lot older then me and are facing physical limitations because of age so we visit but it is limited what they can do. I am 63 still want to live and that to me includes having good friends to talk to. So my plan is to get out there get involved and not stay in with my cat and dog so much, but that is easier said then done. I just want to have a full life, is that too much to want.?
can we talk and be friends?i am so lonely,its such a bad feeling.
Interesting blog. I have had good friends in my life, but I find as I get older that it is hard to find friends I feel as close to as as those of my youth, young adulthood, or when my children were little. I meet many lovely women and we like each other, but the effort to spend time together is pretty minimal. Many, like me, have a husband or partner they do pretty much everything with, or they have adult children and their families that take up a lot of their time. Perhaps since none of us now go out and socialize in the evenings, it limits our opportunities to talk very deeply. I’ve done a lot of volunteering and participating in book clubs and I do enjoy the time spent on these activities and the people I meet. It just isn’t the same as my old friends, all of whom live far from me, thugh we keep in touch online and by phone a number of times a year. As wonderful as my husband is, I do miss having female friends I can laugh and joke with in a way that is different than with others. I also miss having a friend I can tell anything. I always feel as if I only tell my nice acquaintances about good and positive things and present a kind of lop-sided picture to them of my thoughts and life.
Mrs. Sycamore wow I thought I was reading my life story regarding this area of my life.
Mrs. T, we just moved to a new city where I know absolutely no one. There are lots of cultural organizations and performances, which I like a lot, and I will test the waters of the writing community here. It is an area famous for it’s university and I am worried I will be too much of a newbie writer to find sympathetic comrades. The funny part is I am a very approachable person–the kind of lady people ask questions of in stores or when they need directions. Children like me, dogs and cats like me, etc., but there is a difference between an immediate good response and building a lasting friendship. If you are like me, you may have moved a number of times during your adult life (I’ve done a half dozen moves in the 35 years my husband and I have been together). I’ve sometimes wondered if women I meet in new places have enough friends in their life and simply don’t need any more.
If you happen to live in the East Bay Area of CA, let me know. We’ll have coffee.
Mrs Sycamore I most definitely can relate. I am in Georgia however that doesn’t mean we can’t connect :-).
Mrs. T,
What a good idea. I typically visit my sister in Marietta every year and I drive down to GA from TN (Knoxville and Chattanooga) when I go. Many people enjoy visiting the Bay Area, so it’s also possible you might travel west. We may have that coffee yet.
If you are someone who enjoys snail mail, I happen to be one of the few letter writers left, I believe. I am also a fequent user of email and FB.
So glad I found this post! It’s nice to know there are others in the same boat. Back in high school I experienced rejection from friends. A “what are you doing here” comment was made from someone I thought was my friend. Now I’m in my late 40s though, and struggle with making and keeping friends. I work at home and am feeling lonely. Similar to the above comments, I never get calls, invites, emails etc. i recently had major surgery. People asked my husband how I was, but no one bothered to call me to ask. I too keep analyzing how I act, what I say, my tone of voice, etc. whenever I ask someone to meet for coffee, meet to talk etc I ALWAYS get rejected. I’ve been looking for a job and I’m getting rejected there too. Wth is wrong with me??
I am younger and have the same problem. People only talk to me when the need financial help for help with other problems. Two days ago was my birthday and no one bothered say anything and all I asked was for a simple cake not expensive or whatever. One day maybe we will figure it out. I hope your health gets better. A nice cup of lemon tree and breeze would be nice to relax from all this kind of thoughts.
i live in Crofton, Md. I am retired and happily married for 32 years. I have 3 grown children. The only thing missing in my life is close female friends. It would be fun to have girl talks, laughing, crying and to just enjoy each other’s company. If you feel the same way please email.
Hi Carol,
The website isn’t set up to connect people with each other but you can do that over Facebook. See: https://www.thefriendshipblog.com/something-new-check-out-friendship-blog-connection-facebook/
Best, Irene
Hi Karen. I can totally relate. I am 47 and haven’t had a close, long term friend since I was a kid. I am outgoing, friendly, have a twisted sense of humor, and love doing all kinds of things….entertaining, playing games, etc. the list goes on. When people around me have problems, I’m the first one they call. but, I am never invited to a girls night out, and I watch these same people who reached out to me when they need something, completely ignore me until the next time they needed something from me. I have seen a therapist, but did not receive any advice that changed these circumstances, and she was a great therapist. I have read all manner of self-help books on the subject, I have tried the advice found in magazines and blogs, I even took a class on friendships! but still close friendships elude me. My therapist did tell me that I attract needy women. She said I needed to connect with woman who aren’t needy, but how???? I love to knit, I joined a knitting group. I love to read, I joined a book club. I love to do all kinds of crafts, I took classes. But while it seems I hit it off with the gals in each of these groups, that’s the extent of it. others meet outside the groups, but i am never invited. When I stopped going, no one even contacted me.
I had a group of people who I meet through my kids that rallied around me and my family when I fell ill several years ago. It was awesome. As I recovered, I was included in the group and made to feel a part of it. This lasted for 4 years or so. I thought I had built lasting friendships with these gals. But when I switched churches, I was dumped. Finito! I was devastated. Here I thought I had finally made some real friends…friends for life….but it was not to be. It was conditional.
Since then, I have meet lots of women, and while that experience devastated me, I didn’t give up. I still keep trying to build lasting friendships. I was always the one reaching out, so a couple of years ago I decided to stop and see what would happen and sure enough I haven’t heard from any of the gals I used to reach out to. Do you know, I have never had someone just text me, email me, call me and ask how I’m doing? I have spent years thinking “OMG, there must be something terribly wrong with me.” I have spent countless hours analyzing everything I say and do in the hopes of discovering why I am friendless. I have spent years telling myself it doesn’t matter, I’m fine, I don’t need girlfriends, I have my hubby and my guy friends, my life is full blah blah blah. But who am I kidding, I am lonely.
I am not prone to feeling sorry for myself, but honestly I do a little right now. As I get older, my lack of friends is starting to depress me….glad I found this blog.
Hi anonymous, I don’t know if knowing that there are others struggling with the same or similar issue is helpful or not. I think the common factor is the bewilderment. When I read others experiences, which are close to my own I cannot find a reason for the lack of friendships as “we” seem to be doing what we are supposed to do, what others do who have positive results. I know I’ve changed my expectations; just having someone return a phone call, respond to an invitation (rare) , chat on the phone when I call. It’s emotionally exhausting and mentally challenging. And very difficult to not become demoralized. Trying to “get out everyday” when the whole day stretches before you and there’s not really a destination can be very hard. Volunteer work is rewarding but not a substitute for connected friendships. And not all volunteer work offers the opportunity to come in contact with potential friends. My children are grown so I don’t have the interaction of car pooling or sports or any of the other things that comes with the commonality of kids. Not that that seemed to help others. So what is it? What is this unknown factor that is eluding those of us who are struggling with a lack of companionship? I’ve put much thought into this; examining my behavior, my expectations, how I interact when I am with others, observing others, following the suggestions of this and other sites and professionals. I’m cheerful when I’m with others. A good listener, I don’t monopolize the conversation. I show interest in their lives and what they have to say. I’m funny in an appropriate way, lively in conversation but leave controversial topics respectfully alone. So again I wonder. Why is it my phone doesn’t ring, nobody asks me to “hang” go shopping, calls to see how I’m doing? I make those calls and others are busy, or they will chat for a bit and appreciate the “caring” or talk for a while but not reciprocate. So it makes it harder and harder to continue. And when I see other women together having the kind of friendship I would so like to have, the confusion washes over me again. I can see no obvious differences between “them” and me. Except of course…..so I am truly at a loss. I’m not looking for a group, a crowd. Just a couple of women friendships that can be casual and develop if right. It would be nice for all of us to be able to get together, to share, to figure out why, to support each other, to reinforce that we are okay despite the fact that friendships elude us. I have to believe that I’m okay. But that doesn’t mitigate my loneliness. I’ll keep trying, but I gave to say, it has gotten harder. I’m 67 and I never thought that in my “retirement” years, I would be struggling with issues of friendship.
Peace and joy……
Hi Sami, yes it does help to know that I am not alone in this, however, it doesn’t change the facts….like you, I have spent a lot of time analyzing everything about myself, my expectations, my attitude, my behavior, how I conduct myself when with others. People that meet me seem to enjoy our time together, I am fun and attentive, I ask questions about their life, I do not monopolize the conversation. I am a great listener, compassionate, sincere. It’s why people feel safe sharing their problems with me, even if we have just met. So, if I truly had some major flaw I am in denial about, why would people seek out my shoulder to lean on???? But that really isn’t the issue. the issue is, that’s all I am to people, a shoulder, a resource, a good little worker bee. But I am not “friend” material. Hear the bitterness? UGH, this is so not like me. I am not a bitter person, I am happy, upbeat, positive. The reason I reached out on this blog is because i can feel the bitterness creeping in. I have tried so hard to tamp down these feelings for years, never letting them get a foothold, but man, my defenses have weakened. I have just gone through the 2nd most horrific event in my life AND I HAD NO ONE TO TURN TO. Crap now I’m crying…..hubby’s great but it’s just not the same as talking to a girlfriend. He wants to “fix” things (total guy move) when what I need is a friend to listen, a friend to lean on, someone I can vent to, who will pour me another glass of wine or hand me a shot of tequila! I truly, honestly want to know why I am without friends. sigh…..
Whew, wow and oh boy. If ever there were kindred spirits…..you’ve articulated my experience, my feelings, so well. And I am so sorry you have no one to vent to, to share with, to sit with you to hear your story, your need, to just “be” with. When a “friendship” is one way it drains you emotionally. Men are “fixers”. They want to find a quick solution and often are uncomfortable with the emotion or the need to just talk about an issue or problem and the feelings that accompany them. That whole Mars/Venus thing. I can understand wanting someone to be there for you at a time of crisis when you seem to have been such a good listener for so long for so many others. So how can you be flawed…if others trust you, and find you safe. Really, I don’t know what it is that prevents “us” from having those kinds of friendships where we can pick up the phone and have someone on the other end who is as interested and caring about us as we would be about them. That sounds a bit like a martyr but it’s been my experience and sounds like yours as well. Could it be “they” think we are so well put together we don’t need any support? Truly a question. But of course that doesn’t explain the lack of reciprocity.
You certainly struck a chord. And I wish there was some way to offer you the support you deserve. I don’t want to offer any platitudes. There are enough of those to go around and they are useless and insulting when it comes to real world issues and feelings. But please know, I’m listening…..it may not be in person, on the phone or even in the same time zone.
Thanks Sami! Today I’m feeling a little less alone….:-) So let me tell you a story, my hubby’s friend broke up with his girlfriend. We had dinner a few times, but she and I had only socialized as couples. When they broke up, she called me and asked if I could meet for dinner. At first I thought YIPEEE someone wants to spend time with me but her call lasted 1hr. About 10mins in I knew the reason for the call. 🙁 I agreed to dinner. So we met and she unloaded, seeking my advice on how to work things out with him, etc. Because I too have asked myself if the reason people don’t reach out to me is because they see me as someone who is “put together”, (which I am totally not! LOL) I decided to try a different approach with this gal. I didn’t just give her a shoulder, I didn’t just give her advice, I also shared some of what I was struggling with right then. See, when someone reaches out to me for help or support, I make it all about them. I don’t bring any of the focus onto myself, after all, we are together because they needed someone to lean on. But this time, I shared some of my struggle. I thought, maybe I seem unapproachable….(but the little voice in my head said, if that were the case then why did she call you?) I was careful not to shift all the focus on to myself, but thought I did a good job at “balancing” the conversation. Didn’t make a bit of difference. I’ve sent her text messages & left her voice-mails checking in…..at first she responded but as some time passed, she stopped answering. Not once did she initiate the contact. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong….Thank you for the support, and for listening 🙂
Not sure if you did anything wrong. I think she just needed to talk after the break up. And called you because you know her ex boyfriend. You each had different needs, it sounds to me. When I was single all my friends were as well. She might not be looking for a married friend right now and I can imagine that she maybe doesn’t want to hang out with someone whose hb is friends with her ex.
What a mirror letter of my life exactly. Word for word. I also thought bewilderment was the word that best describes my experience of no more connections.
I am turning 67 in a month. Though I am in touch with 4 other high school friends THEY are continuously in touch with each other. With me it’s just the every 5 years we try to meet in person.
My husband doesn’t even try to “keep” friends or “make” connections… He said he doesn’t feel the need to be so bonded to others. I’ve wondered if we women unwittingly have a neediness glow about us… Giving a subconscience warning to new acquaintances.
On a vacation while walking my dog on a dog friendly beach I noticed other women my age with their dogs.. Some had friends they met daily and others liked to do it alone.. The ones who were always alone gave me the feeling they were tougher. The kind of person who have that wall around them to the softer side of life. I thought to myself.. I don’t know which category i fit in. I guess both.. Sometimes I want to think things through alone and other times I want to be surrounded by fun talk and commroderee (I know that is misspelled but spellcheck isn’t kicking in!!).
….. Anyway, it was nice to see a post that could have been written by me.
I’m wrting this post here because I’ve some similar issues but I was actually looking for a helpful website for a male friend. However, I’ve another friend -female-that has lots of acquaintances but constantly mentions that she cannot make close friends. I think that people can feel her emotional energy and “smell” her neediness, sometimes she’s desperated to find female friends. I think that’s one of the things that puts off most people, biologically it might be like a “fear hormone” that people can smell and run away. Some people have a similar issue with finding romantic partners-I do! haha. This might be one of the reasons, I’m sure there are many other circumstances, including luck. Just my two cents..
Wow. Reading everyone’s comments and stories here, I feel overwhelmed with empathy. With so many lonely people in the world, why is there so much disconnection?! I am in the same position as so many other people. I used to have friends, and I do have friends, but none of them live where I moved 3 and a half years ago. I find it harder and harder the older I get, to make new friends. I question myself, just like everyone else here. I have moments of hopefulness, followed by moments of doubt, that sometimes devolve into days of despair and self pity. I walk around my relatively new town, watching groups of friends in the street, wondering, “what am I doing wrong??” I feel like I just can’t get past the surface with anybody. I’ve given my number out, I’ve phoned, I’ve showed up to events, etc….and still…I’m just can’t seem to get “in” here.
I’ve had to resist responding to every single post, because I want to reach out and be a friend or a just a friendly, reassuring human being–just as I wish someone would do for me.
In any case, after reading this blog, at least I know that I’m not the only one experiencing this feeling.
Cheers people, I’m sorry we’re all going through this, but I’m glad to know I’m not really, truly alone. I think the posters on this site should arrange for a massive meetup. 🙂
Is there anyone here in Atlanta. I am a married 37 year old woman who normally can relate to women my age or older. My sister is 11 years older so I pretty much grew up an only child. My BFF passed away and I moved 5 hrs away from home so at my age it is difficult to make new friends. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. So glad I found this blog. It would be good to have a sister/BFF again.
hi every one have all ways been a loner I getting on with people but my good friend say we must meet up but never happens i laugh to my self the only thing i can say is go out there and do what you like to do be it horse riding or walking the dog any think mix as you can see my spelling is not grate babs
I am 23, soon to be 24, finished uni a year ago and looking at outgoing 19-21 yr olds, sure of their path, bubbly and outgoing. I feel like a bit of a failure friendship wise. I feel that I used to be a good friend, but have had so many bad experiences with needy, unstable friends and friends who arent happy for me, that I don’t really remember what a good, healthy friendship feels like. I have no idea how to make new friends, because I feel so negatively impacted from past experiences, I feel that I don’t even know how to act like a good, positive person and friend myself, I have no idea how my social circle will be when im older, but apparently it only gets harder to make friends… and according to comments here that seems to be true.
Hi Diana, I’m a 21 year old student and have completely failed in the friendship depatment. Like most others on here I have had friends in the past but they either didn’t have a solid foundation or fizzled out. I currently have one friend who also considers me a friend so I know it’s real, haha, but she’s extremely needy and is hardly interested in me. It’s a questionable relationship, but one nonetheless. I, too, have had many negative relationships and experiences with past ‘friends’ and people in general and completely understand what you are talking about. I would love to hear from you; what your past experiences were and where you plan to go for the future..
Hi this is Norene Ive come to the conclusion that it’s not that we can’t make friends it’s that we’re not in a place to. If you recall when we start a new job it takes a while before you really make contact with the people but then you have the friends there and they have social activities or school same thing takes a while to build relationships. I’m going to find a group activity (on Meetup I suppose) and just keep going not expecting to make friends really but since I’m enjoying myself in a group there’s no hurry. What do you think?
Wow! Can I understand and identify with Norene. And I guess I would take umbrage at the advice offered. It sounded a bit too “blame the victim”. I support getting some supportive help but the writer has had, as she states, many people to her home but none that reciprocate. So something is “wrong” with her? Why would people accept her invitations if she was so flawed? I have no answer of course. Just empathy for the constant feeling of rejection, frustration and sense of loneliness that settles in after you do all the things you see others do that work, but don’t for you. I obviously am in a similar situation. Though not as “entertaining” as Norene. I’ve followed all the tips and joined, participated, smiled, listened, called, invited, gave my number, volunteer, walk the dog, joined a meetup, reached out to “old friends”, involved in a faith community, …..and nothing. People are “nice” to me when they see me. But there’s never any reciprocity to my efforts to take it a step further. How many times do you call someone before you feel like a stalker? In the community I’ve moved into, which is an “active 55” many of the people have formed their relationships and just don’t seem to have an interest or room for another. Or, they’ve moved into the community knowing existing friends from previous neighborhoods. This has been a huge emotional challenge. And it is frightening, exhausting, confusing and saddening. I have never had this issue before. What worked is not working….and none of the other techniques, tips, or “just do this” is either. I’d move if I could, but if can’t. And since this was touted as such a friendly community, who knows what another would be? So, I will ” soldier” on. But there are days I want to hang a banner, which is prohibited in the HOA rules and regs 🙂 that quotes Mr. Rogers and says; “Won’t you be my neighbor ?”
Hi, I have of course the same problem. Everyone loves me but no one seeks me out for anything. I have 5 beautiful children and do a lot of socializing with them, but it’s not the same, right? For the most part they have no use for anything I know. So I’m just feeling useless.
I’m 73 but my kids have kept me young so i have nothing in common with the ladies in the senior center (like my mom said when we suggested she should go there “they’re all old”) It was funny at the time but now I know.
I am a Christian walking with Jesus and although I have Bible studies, etc. still no connections. I would like to invite emails from any of you who feel the same.
I’m in California near Los Angeles and my interests are Parrots, horses, oil painting, needlework, computers, card games and much more so if your interests are in there somewhere, send me an email and we’ll chat okay? [email protected]
I really do know what all of you are talking about. I am very outgoing and am a good listener. I am currently in nursing school and our class is full of clicks. Every time someone needs to “talk” they come to me or if they need “notes” or help on something. I always reach out, but then they are back in the “click” and I feel like I am on the outside looking in…isolated. One of my clinical teacher’s said, “You will probably be alone in this because you are older than the rest of the students.” I feel closer to that teacher than to the people in my class. Just a feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I can start a conversation with someone and their body language says they are not at all interested in what I have to say. I have had an interesting life….traveled all over the world in the Navy. I am pretty open minded as seeing all I have has made me that way. When I was younger I use to have loads of friends, but now I am like all of you….just don’t seem to have any. It sometimes feels like people are only nice to you if they need something, and once they get it then there they are gone again. Who knows, I can’t figure it out, but I feel it for sure.
I can identify with all of you. I try to be kind and pleasant to everyone and am always willing to help anyone out in any way I can. At work I an friendly and polite, fairly outgoing. People say I am one of those who tries to stay positive and cheerful. I work hard, don’t put people down. I do some voluntary work. Somehow I am always left on the outside, don’t get invited. If I try to make casual overtures so I don’t seem too needy , like “Fancy coming for a coffee” or “I love that too we should get together” it never comes off. Although I get out as much as I can and join groups there are no “connections” I am sick of doing everything alone. Sometimes seeing everyone else with a friend or group makes the lonliness even worse. I am starting to just stay indoors as I am finding myself feeling so sad and isolated. I am 61 and don’t know what to do , I am getting more and more depressed and can’t see anything getting better as I get older. I try to convince myself that I am o.k. but it’s not true and getting harder and harder. I trawl the internet looking for tips on making friends , am willing to give anything a go , none of the advise seems to work for me! I am tired now, the smiles and cheerfulness are a mask . I do not have even 1 person to talk to.
Lynne,everybody has his or her own problems but solve always connect with it only we have to findout, to solve this type of problems one should try to findout weithen yourself,its method is to concentrte in your inner heart and play with the problem by yourself until u find solution,donot giveup once . Practise few days u will be happy.u have to leave behind everything u need and ur desire,be free from worry,you are born alone and die alone,people will symptatise only but never share heartly if someone says that willbe artificial.think cooly that you yourself is problem creater also you are a solver.please comment.
Lynne as I read your comment, I said so many times how your comments remind me of what I face on a daily basis. However I moved 4 hours away from where I grew up. Everything has been great except for it is very hard to connect with other women at my age 37. When I do connect, I connect with much older women which seemed to be more like a mentorship. I am the one eveyone calls upon for ideas and party planning etc. but that is it. I try to be transparent but not making any connections for long term. I don’t go home much however do associate with childhood friends on facebook from time to time. My childhood bestfriend passed away 5 years after we graduated. Many times l look at my phone and see no one has called to see how I’m doing however I always call to check on others. I do have a 12 year old daugher who I spend most of my time with and enjoy her company but it would be good to connect with other women my age or older for sharing and fun times. Let me know what advice you find on the internet which can help me grow.
I hear you my friend. I hear you…..i’m 60 and find myself without anyone. People come and go in my life but now all my ‘friends’ have grandchildren . I don’t feel sorry for myself but just feel so lonely. There is only so much walking, going to the movies, etc on your own. Almost without exception every social occasion is something I organise. I literally cannot remember a time I was last asked to anything. Take care x
Hi Julie. Im also 60 and hoping to find a friend or two in San Diego. Where do you live? Believe me when I tell you that having grandchildren doesn’t always mean you are having lots of fun and family all the time. I barely see mine, but, I don’t like to babysit anymore, that could be why. Anyway, I would welcome a response from you or anyone that would like to chat. Im a Christian and the Lord keeps me strong for the most part, but it is hard when your so lonely all the time. Hugs
Hi Sherrie,
I too live in San Diego; I am 61. Would love to have friends.
Cheryl
Hi there Sherri
Unfortunatly I live on the other side of the world to you !! In New Zealand…..but its lovely to know there are kindred spirits understanding how I feel…xxx
I really related to this post. I have always had friends, meeting/connecting with new people has never been an issue for..well til about 2 years ago. It seems no one is interested in being more than aquaintances. To be honest, I do think I am looking for more out of my friendships..I have to truly find you an interesting, good hearted person, if I am going spend time with you. So I think the feeling of not finding connection, spans all ages and personality type..I am in my late 30’s..and a very out-going type..But I have done one new thing, that seems to be ‘the golden ticket’, I am making myself go thru all my phone contacts then call at least 2 people….these are not friends, just casusal aquaintances…I have been making up excuses of why I am calling!!!But I have found people then find it easier to reach out to me!!..Worth tryin’!… .
Same problem, but much younger – so age is not the issue. I work from home after moving from another state where I was in a relationship.
Now I am more alone than ever, even if by choice. I knew I would be alone initially after moving but had no idea it would last this long. (I’ve been in my current home for 7 months now) I have joined a fitness group however it doesn’t meet as frequently as I would like.
As for my family, they’re quite distant as they’re busy with their own lives, so I have to be understanding of their inability to connect more.
So that doesn’t help with the loneliness, so long story short – Karen you’re not alone in your loneliness. Lol. If that makes sense.
It’s weird how so many complain about being lonely, I wish there was a place or resource where we could all get together and do away with this thing called “loneliness”. But alas, there isn’t. Plus we’re so caught up in our issue, we probably wouldn’t notice that we’re no longer in it. I for one, will keep going as really there’s no choice, but will also try and realize that I need to keep trying and join groups, clubs and so on – to have a chance at meeting others. Not easy as I don’t want to come across as needy or desperate, even though I kinda am. Lol.
Love this blog, thanks Irene. Great site.
I saw a therapist for a year and now she’s living in Nevada. I’m in Wisconsin. Finding the right therapist can really give you some great insight. We only just started to touch on this friendship thing before she left, so I didn’t get much advice. She did see me in a group setting a couple of times and, strangely enough, said that everyone liked me very much and that I was very charming. She seemed so genuine in what she said that I guess I’ll believe her! Maybe my negative view of myself begins to change their view of me over time. I’m going to do what Irene said and talk to a therapist again…I think I personally will do more than a couple of sessions. Also, the idea of just getting the heck out of the house is so important for me. I tend to ruminate about my problems and this is one of my biggest concerns. Thanks!
I can so relate to what everyone else writes. I’ve one close friend whom I love dearly. She lives far away so we talk on the phone. I’ve also done what everyone else did and does on this blog. Wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t make friends. I’m an immigrant and I think that puts people off. People tend to like people just like them and I clearly can’t provide that. I also don’t have children. I gave up on making friends for a while and was totally at peace with it. In my country of origin, I would get together regularly with friends and we would set up our next get together right then and there. Here, we keep it loose and say “see you next time, just give me a call”. For me, this non-committed type of invite creates a barrier. Because we’ve all used the “let’s have lunch soon” phrase with someone we’ve no intent of having lunch with, I’ve no clue if someone wants to see me again or if it’s just a nice way to ditch me. I usually won’t call and also never hear back from the other person either. I might have been ditched but am tired of trying to figure out why. I’ve never gotten feedback that I’m socially inept. Not everyone is going to like me and I’ve no control over that. Please let me know what you think about the non-committed invite. Do you always use it and do you hear back from people? Do you ever make plans at the end of a get together for the next one? If not, why not? I’d love to hear from you about this. Thanks!