A newish mother finds it hard to make new friends

Making
new friends takes time, self-confidence, and creativity

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Friendships have become a sore point
for me at this juncture in my life. I am in my 30s and have a lovely husband
and toddler son. I used to work full time and hence, never really developed any
friendships in my neighborhood. I’ve met a few people at social events but
never followed up.

Now that I’ve been home for the past
few months, I feel so much at sea with the new friends I’ve made at our community park. These moms have kids who are at
least three years older than my son. I feel disconnected from the other moms
who talk with each other, meet at school, and leave their kids for playdates. I
feel rejected because they don’t call me— or do so only rarely–and now I am
beginning to feel they don’t like me and don’t really miss me/us if we aren’t
at an event or gathering.

I feel like I don’t have much to offer.
I am a well-educated professional with interests and hobbies but people seem to
be intimidated by me. I have kept wondering if it is just me or the type of
person that I am that doesn’t work for these friends. I come from a highly
intellectual background from educated and well-travelled parents.

Now that I am re-connecting with some
old school and college friends, I feel afraid of being rejected by them too,
i.e. they may not call me after our first conversation or may not show interest
in keeping in touch.

As I walked through a greeting card aisle
today, I saw cards for a best friend and close friends. Over the past ten years
of my friendships, I was trying to think of someone I could give this card to,
or someone I could get one from. Maybe one or two people came to mind vaguely.

I really want to change myself so that I can work on things that I have control
over and nurture close relationships. Right now I just feel at sea and lonely
that I don’t have a close and fun relationship with a friend.

Signed, Amber

ANSWER

HI Amber,

You’ve undergone a number of major life
changes in a relatively short period of time: You’ve gotten married, have become a
mother, and have left the workforce. You’re living in a very different type of
setting from the one in which you were raised and there may well be a mismatch
between you and many of the people around you.

Given these factors, having difficulty making new friends doesn’t sound that unusual. It
takes time to get accustomed to the role of being a full-time parent and to
find your place in a new community. It’s great that you are reaching out to
other young moms on the playground—-but you may be the type of person who is
more comfortable with one or two close friendships rather than the "cocktail
party" type who craves a group of acquaintances.

When we’re lonely, it’s natural to
think about reaching back into the past to resurrect relationships with old
school chums—but be cautious. You may realize that you have even less in
common with these friends—except for your shared history.

Your note raises several questions that
may be worth considering:

1) Have you tried to place yourself in
situations where you can potentially meet people who have more in common
with you? For example, can you join a mom’s group with mothers and toddlers
closer to your son’s age? Can you arrange to get out of the house one evening a
week to pursue a hobby or interest, or join an organization with other women in
your community? Are there any former co-workers that you would be interested in
getting together with from time to time? Is there a neighbor whom you could
invite over for coffee or tea while you son is napping?

2) Could you be mistaking a low mood
for loneliness? If you aren’t feeling good about yourself and feel like you
have nothing to offer to other people, it’s hard to get close to others. Are
you having changes in appetite, sleep problems, or other symptoms that might be
associated with depression?

3) Because of your insecurities or
shyness, could you be giving the impression that you aren’t interested in
making new friends? Are you timid about making overtures to people whom you
like to get to know?

I raise all of these issues as
possibilities for you to think about. Don’t give up hope or be too hard on yourself just because you haven’t yet found a
kindred spirit on the playground. Building relationships takes time and also
some creativity in thinking about new ways to find friends if the ones you are
trying haven’t worked.

Best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about making friends:

• Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?
• Why would someone have no friends?
• Trouble making close friends?

Tags: friend, friendship, friendship advice, friendship expert, insecure, insecurity, making friends, mother, moving, new mom, new mother, new neighborhood, self-confidence

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