Nervous about my friend moving on
When situations change, friendships may change too. If the bonds are strong, it doesn’t necessarily mean that a friend moving is the end of the friendship.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I became really close friends with this girl that works in my local community center. We were best friends, always had banter, gossip, and helped each other through our ups and downs. She was working there during another worker’s maternity leave. But as the maternity leave came to an end, she had to get a new job. Anyway she got a new job and I couldn’t have been happier for her.
Her last day was last week so all this week she’s been in her new job. When she left I added her on Facebook and we talk there but i can’t help but feel that I’m doing her head in by messaging her all the time when she comes online after work.
Going from seeing and speaking to each other every day to talking to her for about an hour or so on Facebook is really hard. I’ve been missing her loads but I feel like I’m annoying.
I think I am only like this because I’ve lost all contact with my school friends. I’m only close to one of them now whom I only see every now and then. I’m scared that we’ll lose our bond and drift away from each other like I have done with all my school friends.
What do you think I should do?
Signed, Elyse
ANSWER
Dear Elsye,
You are lucky to have made such a nice friend at the community center and I’m sure it was hard to see her go. Since you so enjoyed her company, my guess is that she also enjoyed yours.
It takes lot of energy to move to a new job and to learn a new environment, new tasks, and a new set of personalities. Your friend may be tired and somewhat drained when she gets home, even if she’s on Facebook.
Please, resist the temptation to pounce on her each time she goes online. It is going to take some time for you to feel out what shape your new relationship will take.
Why don’t you ask your friend to get together a week or so from now, perhaps over the weekend, to catch up? You can find out about her new job and tell her what she’s been missing at the center. You’ll get a better sense of the way things are headed in the future.
In the meantime, catch up with your reading and others friends, too.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
Yeah give her some space…be very casual, just say ” Hey let me know when you are in the mood to chat! I miss catching up with you and I am excited to hear how the new job is going”..
Then leave it at that, see how soon she contacts you. A new job can bring so many demands, that even a friendship that was enjoyable can started to feel like an additional obligation, even when that is absolutely not your intention. I
Hi Elyse – As Irene said your friend enjoys your company as much as you enjoyed hers.
Sometimes I feel as you do – that I’m taking up too much of a friends time. I think we all share that insecurity at one point or another.
Children have a wonderfully open direct way of asking the question we’d all like to but often don’t. Why not ask her what her spare time and energy levels are like with the new job. Tell her you miss her and have enjoyed contacting daily via facebook but that you realize starting a new job is exhausting so if in the future you don’t always initiate a chat session it’s because you want to respect her space. You never know, without this reassurance she may think that now that she’s left (remember it wasn’t her choice to leave) you’re not all that interested in staying in touch.
There’s nothing wrong with simply stating that now that you’re not seeing each other for hours every day you and she are beginning to create new patterns of communication. That might seem awkward and a bit formal at first but it opens the door for a conversation. Remember it’s a two-sided conversation. You’re not imposing on her. You are equally important to her and she is to you.
I’ll bet she’s missing you and the community center goings on. Your chats at the end of her day are probably a big help as she transitions emotionally from one workplace to another.
Enjoy your get together!
I’m with Irene and it’s because I’ve been on the receiving end of this. Without intending to, your neediness can drive a wedge in your friendship. When I facebooked and got messaged instantly, I had to ask the friend to allow me private moments and to explain that sometimes you go on this media site to zone out only. I know you can change privacy settings, but i really wanted to keep the friendship and deal with it. So yes, let your friend have her space and arrange one on one time later when she has the energy to see you. She’ll appreciate you all the more!