My son hates people and has no friends
A mom is concerned because her son stays home all the time, hates people and has no friends.
QUESTION
Hi,
I am writing because my son who is 22 years old has no friends. He says he hates people and has violent thoughts all of the time. He has never dated and stays home all of the time. Help!
Signed, Worried Mom
ANSWER
Hi Worried Mom,
This sounds like more than a friendship problem, per se. When someone expresses violent thoughts, they need to be taken as a possible sign of emotional problems.
I realize it can be difficult to convince a 22-year-old to see a mental health professional but this doesn’t sound like a problem that will resolve itself on its own.
I strongly encourage you to contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness. This grassroots organization has hundreds of State and local affiliates that provide support, information and advocacy for families of individuals with serious mental illnesses.
The organization’s Information Helpline, staffed by trained volunteers, can help you identify resources in your community and connect with other parents who have faced similar challenges and found solutions. Although you may feel totally alone and helpless, others are there to help and share your burden.
You can reach the NAMI HelpLine at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), between 10AM and 6PM, Monday through Friday.
Wishing the best for you and your son,
Irene
Category: HAVING NO FRIENDS
He needs help before he comes one of those 40yo serial killers or rapist who still lives with his Mummy,I’d hate to be his future woman if he has that lonely and violent attitude,Get him help,Try to get him out more become more sociable or get some medication and therapy
Get him help now. This is a very dangerous situation. Do not allow any access to guns. The time to act is now. Best of luck.
-Worried Mom, I agree with those who say he needs to be evaluated by a physician as soon as possible. Best wishes.
I sometimes think it’s the way we bring up our children that matters.I have failed to understand why someone who is 22years can hate people,because he was in School with people,taught by people,talked to people,eats with people & besides is a person aswell,I mean this is strange to me & for sure he needs mental check up before he does bad to people he hates.Teach children to love when they are still young & if you notice a child acting violently to others when is still very young,as a mom you have to act quickly before a child grows.Parents please stop giving much freedom to your children & more especially allowing them to watch movies which promote violence & don’t allow your children to move anytime with friends you don’t know,I know it may not be easy to others,so you have to be tactful.Take my advice moms,I’m a mom too,I mean a proud mom.I have said a ‘proud’ mom because my son is a God given child I always say,is 16 very humble with a very low voice when talking & does very good in school,why? Because when he was young I taught him many good things,to have love for anything God created no matter what kind,I constatly prayed with him & I always do,I’m a single christian mom & very down to earth,believe me.Try my methods then you will be happy.Sorry for you but it is not too late he can change with time.Love you all!!…Contact my email if you need more (EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED BY MODERATOR]
Florence,
Please be careful not to instinctively blame a parent. Many times, despite the best parenting, children and adolescents experience severe emotional problems.
Best, Irene
Much of mental illness is biological. There are gene anomalies that predispose individuals to certain illnesses, some physical like cancer, others psychiatric like schizophrenia (I am not referring to the LW). Physical and mental health can be a crapshoot.
The best parents can still have a child with a mental illness and the worst parents can still have a child who is without emotional difficulties.
What matters to me now is LW is concerned now and wants help. She’s probably beating herself up enough.
I can tell you no method of child rearing works for everyone. Children born into the same family often need different types of parenting. Many atheists and agnostics are also happy and raise good kids. Many christians and people of every belief and non belief are miserable and raise troubled children.
Florence, I totally agree with you. I have 4 children and none of them are alike. One has a very quick temper, one shy and quiet, one is even tempered but cheeky, and one is extremely talkative to the point of being disruptive. And when they were growing up they did not indicate any of the personalities they are now as grown-ups.
Let us all keep Worried Mom’s son in our prayers and hope that the National Alliance on Mental Illness or someone can help not only her son but her as well. I am sure she is grieving and terribly worried.
The best parenting can’t counteract mental illness. It can only support getting the best care and follow through.
People who hate people are often unhappy with themselves, so I echo the others in encouraging you to convince him to seek help. If this is a lifelong issue, his avoidance of people might be something where people skills can be learned. If there is/was a change and he was previously social, this is also concerning.
While thoughts aren’t actions, his repeated violent thoughts are cause for alarm.
I hope he will need your push toward therapy, not as punishment or judgment, but to help him relieve some of the negative thoughts and feelings he’s experiencing. To me, therapy is a gift you give yourself to improve life. Seeking help is a sign of strength. If he had a toothache, he’d go to the dentist, a broken bone, the ER. Even though what he’s going through isn’t on the outside for everyone to see, mental illness is something that requires a doctor/therapist.
Getting a referral from a friend or doctor for a therapist would be your best bet. You want to be sure the therapist is a good diagnostician. A battery of psychological tests is probably a good idea.
Good luck. Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner.
This must be tough as a mom to see. Has he told you that he has violent thoughts? Has he told you in what ways and described it to you? If yes, then it is a calling for help and you have to act and find help for him. But, if it was just a matter of not having a girlfriend or friends, then it would be less worrisome, but does he have violent thought towards himself or towards other people? These are questions worth exploring. I wish you the best of luck!! This can’t be easy.
Dear Worried Mom:
Please be assured that mental illness is not the parent’s fault. Brain Chemistry changes or coping with stressors is the individuals responsibility. I agree with the author of this site. Please seek professional help for your son. I didn’t have a clue how to handle major depression at the onset and had no ability to advocate for myself. It was very difficult to find the right help including medication and therapy. Your son’s mind is not working right just like a person with any organ out of whack. To him these feelings are real. Please get him to helpful help ASAP!!! Please!
Thanks for the advice. I have taken him to psychiatrists and never received proper feedback(meaning he’s just shy and will grow out of it in time) Early on he was outgoing, trusting and a very self insured individual this all started with bullying in the early school years, girls especially calling him names like retarded, stupid etc. My son is an only child and developed these emotional truamas over time. Five different psychiatrists all have not been able to help me, I know my son want open up to people or doctors unless he trusts them. Medications early on ability, Zoloft, Prozac recently has had some effectiveness on his OCD tendencies. I am a Christian and his trust for God has changed over time due to his early bullying experiences. Bullying is ugly and is the ultimate culprit in all of this and has had a profound effect on my son. He is starting now to more open and doing outside activities. I pray a lot and I am and always haveencouraged him to have regular checkups
A loving God uses all resources at hand. I personally went through Doctors and Psychiatrists and Therapists as well. I am able to give feedback now to professionals and tell them whether I agree or disagree with their assessments. They are human too. Unfortunately there is no definitive measuring tools like an X-ray to reveal how thinking is hindered. I suffered and languished for years in the midst of “God fearing people” who gave lots of platitudes and “words” but little comfort and understanding and acceptance. NAMI also has support groups for both clients and care givers. I’ve known people who have lived meaningful lives with severe Schitzophrenia but that was after they were getting helpful treatments in various disciplines. Your son’s reality is not your reality….
Contacting NAMI is something parents can do for themselves as well as their child. It is very consoling to find others who are struggling with similar problems and who can share some of the practical advice and resources (including names of professionals) they found helpful.
It’s been over a year since your last post about your son. Has there been any progress?