My Mom Banned Me From Seeing My Best Friend
A 15-year-old is upset that she’s been banned from seeing someone her mom sees as a “bad friend.”
QUESTION
Hi,
I am 15. I have a friend who I met four years ago in 7th grade. She was going through the hardest time. So she said things to me that hurt me and since I was so young, what she said made me cry. I have forgiven her and we’ve only had one fight since then.
My mom HATES her and requested that I not speak to her anymore. But I love her so much and she is my best friend and she has changed since then.
My mom believes this friend is manipulating me. My mom banned me from any contact with her. What can I do?
Signed, Kimberly
ANSWER
Hi Kimberly,
I know that when I was 15 years old, I wanted to choose my own friends, too. But as a mom, I know that adults often see things differently than their teenage daughters (or sons) do because of their age and past experiences. Moms also tend to be protective of their kids.
It sounds like your mom cares about you very much, and no mom wants to see her kid “manipulated” or hurt by a friend. While you may feel like you know your friend better than your mom does, your mom may see some things that you don’t because you feel so attached to your friend.
In this situation, I don’t think you have any choice but to respect your mom’s wishes unless you can convince her otherwise.
My advice would be to let some time pass so that you and your mom can have a relaxed conversation. Try to listen to your mom’s point of view and express yours. Find out if your mom thinks that your friend evokes something negative in your own behavior.
If you think your mom’s concerns are misplaced, ask her if she can give you another chance to be friends with this girl. Your mom might be more reassured if you could show her that you are simultaneously making efforts to cultivate friendships with other girls, too.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Previously on The Friendship Blog:
Nothing but trouble: Mom can’t stand her teen’s BFF
Category: Child and adolescent friendships, Teen friendships
Mom knows best. Trust me. I am sure she had a good reason or reasons for this decision. My mother kept warning me over the years about my so-called bestie. Guess what? Mom was right. She was never a true friend and I found out the hard way. I only realized this after 30+ years. Listen to mom.
Irene, I’ve been posting on different forums. Now WordPress wants me to log in. I don’t recall if I had to log in for your forum. If I did you can bet I don’t have any idea if I have a username or password to this site
I do need to figure out how to get back on the Facebook page for this site. Could you help me? Thank you!
You must be so frustrated. Sometimes parents go overboard trying to protect their children. As a teenager, you ought to be choosing your own friends. Your parents may try to control who your friends are, but they can’t control your heart. Sometimes parents think they can prevent their kids from making mistakes by placing restrictions on your social life. They fail to realize that such restrictions can make their kids afraid to speak to them and make the kids feel like they have to lie and sneak around, which is the opposite thing your mom wants.
Make a list of all the reasons you want to maintain your friendship. Take that list to your mother and explain it to her in a calm, unemotional manner. Avoid sounding like you have an attitude or that you’re being disrespectful. Tell your mom you want to trust that when you talk to her, she’s not going to use what you say against you or try to control your social life. If you can’t rely on that, you won’t want to tell her things. Tell her that you want to keep your friendship and that if she approves, you will be open with her about the friendship, have your friend over so that your mom can see she’s changed . Don’t threaten to see her behind her back. If she still refuses, tell her this makes you less likely to talk to her in the future. Remind your mother you need to make your own mistakes, just like she did when she was your age, and she can’t protect you by making those choices for you, otherwise you won’t know how make wise choices when you’re off on your own. Just like you have consequences for your actions, so does she. You don’t want to make this a threat or an ultimatum, but a plan how you will protect yourself and your friendships. Also, talking to a school counselor might be helpful as an intermediary between you and your mom. Remember, your mom loves you, even when she’s making the wrong decisions.
No choice but to do what her mother says? Wow- this girl is just three years off from being able to vote, move out of home, do all those things that adults do.
The mother sounds overly controlling and possibly not a good person to take advice from. Part of parenting teens is saying your piece but learning to let go.
Is there another adult she can talk to? I understand the mother’s distress – no one wants to see this chid hurt – but this girl shouldn’t be in a position where she feels forced to either fall in line with her mother’s wishes even if she’s not ready to take that step, or see her friend behind her mother’s back.