• Keeping Friends

My Friends Won’t Let Me Stay At Their Apartment Anymore

Published: July 6, 2015 | Last Updated: June 20, 2021 By | 39 Replies Continue Reading
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Are they selfish for putting her out of their apartment?

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Due to an emergency I had to move out of my flat. I was meant to move into my new one within that week. However the old tenant hasn’t fully moved out and I can’t move in yet.

I asked to stay with friends of mine, a couple whom I have known for three years. I told them it would only be for a week but now it has been two. I asked them because I live in a foreign country and they are the only ones I know with a huge four-bedroom apartment. The rest of my friends have no room.

Now the wife has said she wants me out by the end of the week because she doesn’t want me alone with her husband for the three days and he says he wants to be able to walk around in his underwear, apparently because she asked him to say something. We would be together for three days before he joins her in Canada for their 3-week break.

I know I can get into my new flat within the month. They know I have that place, and I don’t sponge off others. I pay for all my food (and often theirs), and cook and clean, etc. Now I stick to my room, feeling like a burden.

I think they are being really selfish. I’ve done nothing to warrant the distrust and now have to try to find a place during a really difficult time when they are not even going to be in their apartment anyway.

I just don’t want to see them ever again! Am I being too unrealistic?

Signed, Katie

ANSWER

Hi Katie,

I think you need to put yourself into your friends’ shoes. This couple agreed to host you for a week, and the week turned into two. Regardless of how large a space they have and how good a houseguest you’ve been, they want their privacy back.

Even if you clean and pay for their food, that doesn’t offset the inconvenience. Even if their house is empty, doesn’t mean they should make it available to you. Unless you are very close friends, Mi casa isn’t always su casa.

Yes, you are being unreasonable given how your friends feel about your staying longer. You need to figure out another alternative. If you want to retain this friendship, thank them profusely for accommodating you for two weeks and figure out something else for the coming ones.

Have you explored the possibilities of an inexpensive Airbnb rental or couchsurfing stay?

Depending on what you had been told when you signed a lease, can you put pressure on the new landlord to get into the new flat any sooner?

Hope this helps and that you get into your new flat as soon as possible.

My best, Irene

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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS

Comments (39)

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  1. Gold says:

    Hello, I’m a student. I love to be alone but I allowed my friend stay with me for up to 2 semesters. I didn’t feel like having her anymore so I told her I won’t be having group reading with her anymore. The problem is she doesn’t like her place and she’s been searching for a new place to stay.
    Now that she already left my place, I can do whatever I want, wake up in the middle of the night to study
    Like I was really depending on her a lot and I didn’t like it
    I told her we’ll both look for a solution to the problem she has with her room but she has refused. Now she stays with someone else in her hall
    Ever since I told her,I can’t face her and I feel like a bad person
    I’ve asked her many times if she’s not mad at me and she said no
    We hardly talk now. I just feel like I’vee done a bad thing and I’m not a nice person
    Please advice me

    • Irene says:

      The job of a student is one of the hardest there is. You didn’t do a bad thing by telling your friend that she should leave and were gracious to allow her to stay with you for two semesters. If she can’t understand that, she isn’t a true friend. You can try having a discussion with her explaining your reason for asking her to leave and tell her that you miss getting together. If she is still standoffish, you should seek out other friendships.

  2. Megan says:

    Katie,

    I hope you read this, and I hope it brings you some sanity back. I am American and I completely agree with the comment made by Foreigner. I’ve been living abroad for 5 years and the friends I’ve made from other countries cannot fathom why I’ve struggled the way I have, surrounded by “friends” in the US. This “every man to his own” mentality is inhumane. My guess is these people all have family they can turn to and/or have never lived abroad and really been in a situation of need.
    No, your friends don’t “owe” you housing. But do any of us “owe” our friends anything? Would you deny your friend a hug or sympathy or an ear to listen? It’s called compassion.
    I understand your feelings, I would feel the same. A hard lesson I’ve learned is that adversity breeds compassion, and apparently it’s less common for others. I hope you were able to find a roof over your head during that difficult time.

  3. Randah says:

    House guests become annoying after the novelty of seeing them and being with them wears off..
    Especially because you lose your privacy and down time, and have to be switched on all the time.
    I love to meet people for coffee, lunch, where one person doesn’t have to slave away and be the hostess. As you can guess , I have a family and do all of the cooking, cleaning etc.
    As far as a houseguest is concerned, at the most, have one over for an overnight stay, maybe 2 nights at the most…but more than that, they begin to cause a strain..
    As Benjamin Franklin said, guests and fish begin to smell after 3 days… Or another saying, two days a guest, third day a pest!!!
    🙂 but then again, a load of people save on hotels by having an exchange policy.. I stay over in your part of the world, you stay over in mine.. But in my case, I prefer the privacy of a hotel and although I love meeting up with friends, don’t want to inconvenience them by staying with them on holidays.
    So … Your friends have been angels agreeing to have you over a week in the first place!!!
    Please find your own place ASAP and remember, they were there for you when you needed them!

  4. Annie says:

    I’m a little fascinated about these comments. Some are downright cruel. Would everyone be so quick to speak to the girl’s face the way you write your comments? Just so you know you ARE basically saying it to her face whilst hiding behind anonymity. I’m feeling very disappointed at a select few of the human race right now. Shame!

    • Karen says:

      A year ago, my husband and I offered to help a friend out of state get back on her feet by allowing her and her teenage son to live with us. She occasionally tosses us some cash for food, power, etc. This was always meant to be temporary. They have now been living with us over a year. Six months ago, she started a personal nursing shift in a local home without asking us. For these six months, we are responsible for her teenage son. He is rude and disrespectful to us, our child and our home. He does no chores. He eats anything he can get his hands on, and never asks if taking the last of something is okay. He is up until 2 or 3 a.m. every night playing online while his mother is away. He wakes us up, then denies it when we mention it to his mother. He does not get up on his own so my son wakes him up and tells him to get ready for the school bus. We started leaving subtle hints that they had overstayed their welcome by starting to eat out instead of my husband preparing meals for them both. My husband and I now have to go to a hotel to have sex because her son complained he overheard us and she was upset with us about that and asked us to “cool it”. We went away for The Weeknd only to return and discover she threw a party with some of her other friends and let them sleep in our bed!

      I spoke with her three weeks ago and told her she needed to aggressively search for a place for her and her son to live. She then blurted out that her sister is coming down with her motor home to stay in our driveway because she needs a change. I told her no, and she became furious with me.

      With two jobs, you would think she has been saving up money, right? Wrong. She bought over $5,000 of electronics for herself and her son, then scheduled a very nice $3,000 vacation. She says she has no money to move. My husband and I have been arguing about this for the last three months, and we are going to talk to her tonight when she gets home. We are giving her six weeks to move out. If she does not have enough money to rent a place or cannot find a place by that time, she will have to make other arrangements as the move out date is set in stone.

      My husband and I have prayed over this, and our marriage and family come first.

      So, yes, sometimes you have to call it what it is and tell a freeloader to their face that they are a freeloader and the party is over.

  5. Larry says:

    Wow all I can say is , it is absolutely dreadful that we as a people have come not to care about other people. No matter how long someone that you love needs to stay…you should let them stay. This world has become so heartless.. That is why I can not wait until they open up MARS! Maybe I can start over and be completely unselfish. It is just stuff. Wake up…it is called humanity. I want to walk around my house in my underwear. Sad very sad. Suppose war comes and they kick you out of your house? I do not want you around my house for privacy? Ask anyone who has been in a war torn country about privacy. Selfish people, then they call Katie selfish? The world is completely upside down…we are doomed to fail.

    • Debbie says:

      Larry, are you aware of the laws in some states about houseguests? In some states, if they stay more than 2 weeks and are receiving mail at your address, they are considered to have tennant rights. If they won’t leave, you have to get a lawyer and go to court to have them evicted. FOR HELPING THEM.

  6. Foreigner says:

    I am going to disagree with most everyone here. In Asian and Latin cultures people stick together and they HELP people they care about, help them in a way that both parties benefit. It is an investment in a relationship and the future. This is the problem with Americans–they are way too independent. Sometimes being INTERdependent is a good thing. It teaches you about family and helping each other and develops a bond that is unbreakable. I think most Americans just don’t get it. Of course these people don’t OWE their friend anything. BUT, she is a good friend, no? Why else would they have told her she could stay? She’s not moving in for months on end. This is a problem with an end point. Now they want to kick her out–in a foreign country!!– because the guy wants to walk around in his underwear?!?! That’s just selfish. And the ironic part is the couple probably THINKS they are such good people. Clearly that couple doesn’t understand community or helping others–it is just them against the world. And obviously this girl will not be returning the favor anytime soon. (That’s how it works. You scratch someone else’s back and then one day when you really need them they will help you too.)

    • Ariane says:

      @Foreigner

      Who said anything about the U.S. or that this person is staying with Americans or that this person is American? She could be living in a Latin or Asian country for all we know, but that isn’t the point.

      This has nothing to do with a culture; this has something to do with this couple not feeling comfortable with this woman guest alone with the husband, so they ask her to leave………simple as that. Sounds like the decent thing to do. It is their home.

    • Ariane says:

      BTW: I am not American

  7. lua says:

    Katie,

    I have been in both situations when I had to temporarily stay with friends between places and have allowed friends to temporarily stay. Either way it’s challenging after a while. Its nothing personal against anyone, but after a while you need your own space. Luckily there are more alternatives such as couchsurfing and AirBnb. Also staying with a couple can be tricky. Best to get out now and thank them for allowing you to stay.

  8. Hohbyzz says:

    Please ease up on her a little bit. She came to this forum for advice, not an attack on her character. She is most likely feeling rejection and hurt and wants to know what to do before any hasty assumptions take root

    • Mary says:

      Oh for goodness sake.

      • Mary says:

        Hohbyzz Hi

        There may be circumstances that were unaware of such as a mental health problem or similar.
        However let me assure you a a of a Muslim organization ( i wont disclose which) women dont consider being alone with a man- let alone in a house.

        As well as the men (if placed )in that position wouldnt find it uncomfortable to them to expose not only their underwear but nudity-and its considered normal with many to expect to sleep with many women.

        It also is apparent , because of the emergency they found her knocking-on these friends door for accom – thee appears to be one drama after another- a pattern of behavior.

        To me this problem really is for somebody professional to assist with .
        So in part your correct– we should give her a break try seeing the real problem here.

        Blind Freddy ought to have been able to figure out she needs help and not only with accommodation.

        Sad really

    • Debbie says:

      Some people just seem to feel they are entitled. I might have thought otherwise, but right off she mentions that they have “a huge 4 bedroom apartment.” Like she is entitled because they have so much.
      There might be a reason that the wife doesn’t want her alone with her husband.

  9. IBikeNYC says:

    Oh, gee.

    I will be (for now, anyway) the lone dissenting voice here.

    I don’t think they OWE her anything, but at this point, especially if they won’t be there anyway, I don’t get it.

    Initially I was kind of on the fence about it, but when Katie mentioned the FOUR bedrooms, it made my mind up.

    My feeling is that if I cared enough about you to have you stay with me under those circumstances in the first place, then I wouldn’t DREAM of putting you in the street over an extra week, month, or whatever!

    • Hohbyzz says:

      I am undecided, as I have been on both ends of this predicament. And being female, homelessness can potentially create a vulnerability on the “guest.” However, when I visit my good friend and her husband, I feel very uncomfortable if I have to sleep on their couch if we had a few drinks and I choose not to get a ssi for the night. But I immediately WANT to leave, as I feel very imposing on “their territory.” I guess it all boils down to what both parties’ character and personalities are like and what can be assumed by past behavior patterns, somehow, I feel there is more to this situation and their history than is stated. But that is all I am hypothesizing at this given modem in time. I may feel different as the day wears on. But in a nutshell, I deeply empathize for both the guest and the couple.

    • Maddie says:

      This couple may not like her as much as she thinks they do and we’re just being polite. Her sense of entitlement is amazing and they may have already discerned this about her.

  10. Ariane says:

    They are being selfish? Really?

    They were generous enough to allow a week, so they shouldn’t be obligated to offer you more than that. Generousity isn’t a obligation; it’s a choice.

    Try looking into other options pronto. If anything I would be pressing the your new landlord about getting you into that appartment.

    It really doesn’t matter about the reasons that they want you out or that they have plenty of room to accommodate you it’s their home and you need to respect that.

  11. Dionne says:

    I agree with the others that having someone you didn’t even invite stay at your house that long is asking a whole lot even if they are very good friends or family. It’s nice that you try to help out but keep in mind they did not ask for a housekeeper or roommate so that would really be expected, not extra.

    They really don’t need to give you a reason that they feel they’ve helped you out as much as they comfortably can. However, having a member of the opposite sex stay with one of the married couple would seem like a very unwanted intrusion into their intimate space. You simply don’t belong in the middle of their privacy and marital home that far and aren’t entitled to it just because you want it.

    Also, especially if you are in a conservative place, a single woman staying there alone with the husband may be harm their reputation- which they will have to live with long after you are gone.

    Anyway, I think you are probably young and perhaps reading what people think of your attitude here will be a wake-up call. People might go out of their way a bit for you but it is not their job to take care of you, your needs are your problem. So fair play means appreciate any favor you get, reciprocate if possible, and don’t expect too much or believe anything is coming to you because it’s not. Good luck to you.

  12. Maddie says:

    House guests are like fish. After 3 or 4 days they begin to stink. Your friends let you stay two weeks and your problems are not theirs . You are an ingrate. Privacy is a huge deal.

  13. Nat says:

    It’s not a fun situation to be in but you should just suck it up and move to a hotel for the remainder of the time. And buy them a nice gift for having accepted to host you in the first place.

  14. lottie says:

    Katie,
    You are being unreasonable,and very cheeky. It doesn’t matter if they have twenty bedrooms if they don’t want you there then it is goodbye,find somewhere else.
    As for saying you never want to see them again,how disgraceful of you when you have accepted their hospitality.
    It is their property and if he wants to walk round naked then so be it.
    I hope you haven’t told them that you never want to see them again, because if it were me I would shoved you through the door.
    You might think about a bunch of flowers and a kindly written card to give them. Manners Katie. Good luck Lottie

  15. Laura says:

    No matter how large the home, having a house guest changes the dynamics of a household. You’ve worn out the welcome mat big time as they’ve already let you stay way too long! Get them a thank you gift such as a gift card to their favorite restaurant or send flowers, and thank them for their hospitality.

    If your new place wasn’t ready the day your lease indicates, you have legal recourse as a lease is a legally binding contract. That said, its probably much simpler to negotiate with your landlord than get a lawyer.

  16. kathy says:

    Yes Katie is wrong and stupid. They said she could stay a week. First of all she lied. How does one week turn into 2 and 3 and now more??? When you lease an apt or flat they give you a date to move in. The old tenants can’t just keep staying there all this time etc. So she is lying and lied to get into the friends place to begin with. I would be livid if I were the friends. She needs to go to a hotel or rent another place if she couldnt’ get into this one. Has no business being angry at the generous friends that let her stay 2 weeks.

    • Rabbit says:

      Obviously none of you have lived the the Middle East as a single women and especially during ramadan ie everything closed. You have no legal rights and they just don’t care what happens to you. Thank you for your powers of observation. By the way,. I don’t lie.

      • Laura says:

        The fact that you’re in the Middle East is a huge piece of missing information. Good luck!

      • Maddie says:

        Then why do you live there? You stated you lived in a foreign country.

      • lottie says:

        Obviously you are just presuming none of us have lived in the Middle East.
        We are talking about an individual not a whole nations traditions which obviously you are. Obviously Katie will know what she has brought upon herself.Lottie

      • Emily says:

        You don’t need to live in the Middle East, USA, Canada, Australia, Taiwan, South Africa or Kuwait to know how to be gracious to people who extended their hands to help you. It’s not your friends’ problem that you’ll be homeless during Ramadan, they have no responsibility to house you. You said you don’t sponge off others, but what you’re showing is more than being a sponge. You have a sense of entitlement that belongs to Pluto and I’m sorry to say this, buy you are an ingrate. I hope your friends realize the kind of person they let into their apartment. You are the kind of friends no one wants to be friends with.

    • Irene says:

      Kathy,
      If you want to continue posting here, please do not attack posters with name-calling.
      Thanks for your cooperation.
      Irene

  17. Mary says:

    Katie

    Just one more thing you mentioned i forgot to comment on.
    You say the husband only said something about wanting his privacy” apparently because she made him.
    Um, now thats a interesting comment.
    How can you be sure of that?
    Its highly likely imop, that he complained to his wife as men do- and she said well dont just leave it to me – tell her yourself too.
    Men are often like that- So its possible they have had words they would not of had over you.
    You come across as if your saying– oh i know it wasn’t him who didnt want me to stay– only her.
    Is that because possibly you think no man would want to deny time alone with you?
    Or do you honestly feel your right and you have a closer friendship with him than her.
    If that is the case its possible shes picked up on that too.
    My money is on that hes said to his wife i dont want her here anymore– neither of them do.

  18. Lovey says:

    I agree with Jacqueline. This is a difficult situation for you, but your friends are not obligated to help you fix it. Perhaps your new landlord can help you find alternative living arrangements or help offset the cost of an inexpensive hotel room.

    Many people wouldn’t leave their spouse alone with a member of the opposite sex — not even for a drive, much less living together for 3 days. There are so many reasons for this attitude that I can’t even begin to list them. They have expressed their comfort level with the situation, and you should respect it even if you don’t share or understand it. If anything “weird”, no matter how innocent, happened in those 3 days, you would have a bigger problem than where to stay for a few days, you would probably lose this friendship that you say you value so much. Is having a place to stay for 3 days worth losing your friends over? Something to consider.

    Best of luck on your move.

  19. Mrs. Chen says:

    This is what I call a classic case of “no good deed goes unpunished”. Your friends, Katie, probably didn’t even want to host you for even a day, much less 2+ weeks. They probably thought they weren’t even such good friends with you to begin with and can well guess that you are only asking them because they have the space. And now, 2 weeks later and with no firm end in sight, they have finally worked up the courage to give you a deadline to move out. But this has made you so angry with them that you have not only forgotten how much you owe them, but will likely speak ill of them to your mutual friends. Well, I guess you’ve taught them a lesson.

  20. Amy F says:

    I gave to agree with the others. Your friends do not owe you lodging. They have generously allowed you to stay at their place. It doesn’t matter if they have a 10 bedroom mansion or a tiny flat. They are doing you a favor. Having houseguest so for a week is a lot of work, but even if you’re a good houseguest. You overstayed by double the time you said you’d stay. That’s another imposition. I can’t see any way in which they hav been selfish, if anything, they’ve been extremely generous, you need to respect their boundaries and find a place, even if you have to rent a room.
    Good luck finding somewhere.

  21. Lucy says:

    To be blunt, house guests are a pain. Especially beyond a night or two, at the most. You make it sound like it’s their responsibility to keep you. It’s not. Move out and be gracious. They did you a huge favor by letting you stay a week.

  22. Mary says:

    Hi Katie,

    Let me explain, as you dont appear to have grasped things. Your thinking is all wrong. Perhaps your the sort of person that cant handle any stress. If you value their friendship at all you need to apoligise and move instantly .
    btw What your friends are ”really annoyed about” , especially the wife is- is that you would be so inconsiderate to have placed her in the position she had to tell you.
    You say your from another country, but no matter where one travels good manners are basic.
    You have the wrong attitude and you dont sound as if your the slightest bit concerned your actions have upset people you call friends.
    Move and i hope you can repair the damage you have brought to the friendship over the next few years.
    It was lovely of them to help you out but your really pushing all the boundaries now and have no right to be annoyed.

    Just get out of their house- today is my advise.

  23. jacqueline says:

    Great advice, Irene!

    Yes, Katie, you are being selfish. Your friends were not obligated to put you up even for a week. They have been very kind and generous.

    Three’s a crowd. It is uncomfortable for them. If they want to walk around naked, they can’t because you are there! And, it is after all, THEIR apartment.

    No woman, no matter how much she trusts her husband, would leave him alone with another woman for three days, or even one day for that matter!

    The were nice enough to help you out for a week. It is not their fault you place is not ready. They are not responsible for you, you are.

    Maybe your new landlord can let you stay in a vacant apartment (if there is one available?) until your place is ready.

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