My Friend Suddenly Shut Me Out of Her Life
When someone suddenly shuts you out of their life and you can’t understand why, sometimes it’s prudent to ask.
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I have a friend that I felt was my best friend. She was in my wedding party and we were pretty much attached at the hip. She called me a couple times a day, texted me, hung out with me or talked to me online (Facebook) almost every day.
Her grandmother died of cancer almost a year ago now. My husband and I were the only ones out of our mutual friends that were at the funeral and wake with her and her family the whole time. My husband actually was laid off the next day from work because he took the day off to be with her. Ever since then she has shut us out, she hasn’t called, text, come over, or talked to me when she is online.
I see her when we go out with mutual friends sometimes and this is when she talks to us as if nothing has happened. She says she’s been busy, but she goes out every other day with a couple of our mutual friends.
Do you know why all of a sudden she would shut me out? I do not understand how you can get close to someone and then just stop talking to them and then say that you have been too busy when you’re clearly not to other friends. I would appreciate any kind of advice you can give. Thank you!!
Signed, Kelly
ANSWER
Dear Kelly,
Yes, this is an odd situation. It sounds like your friend dropped you like a hot potato so something must have happened that upset her. Have you explicitly asked her privately, when you’re not with other friends, if you did something to offend her?
Another thought: Did you tell her that your husband lost his job because he took off from work to attend the funeral? If so, I could see how that might have upset her. It is unfortunate that it happened but it was his decision to attend and be with her and you, not hers.
You are absolutely correct in thinking there is something you don’t know. The only way to find out is to ask. Otherwise, you will likely remain as distant as you are now.
Hope this helps.
My best, Irene
This is a popular post from The Friendship Blog archives that has been recently updated.
Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS
do you ever have comments on sisters, my sister is so jealous that it is a toxic situation . I have tried to be understanding , but she has trashed me in a mutual place we both attend.
kathy
hi ..
massive thank yo ufor this beautiful web 🙂
i hope you answer me … !
i have a friend that we are really close to each other …
but this year both of us have extremely important exam and i dont check my mobile phone new sms .. i thought its ok ..
and she really angry of me because i dont answer her !
i havent seen her since 2 month ago .. cause our school is finished to we study for university exam !
next week i see her … what should i do ? and both of us are really proud ! and i think none of us go and speak to stop fire .. i afraid if i see her she shout at me cause she is unusually angry ..
and i always tell myself its not important if she go you have louis tomlinson that you can watch his fucking eyes and become ok ! yeay its correct i have him but i afraid if she goes maybe i become tired of pretending !!!!! help me . shadi . iran
I met a girl in church. She needed a ride so I gave her rides for a year or so.During this time she call me alot She is from a foreign country
and it is hard to understand her but I felt sorry for her so I tried to understand what she was saying. After a while I limited her calls , not answering if I was
busy doing something else. I finally stopped answering her calls altogether because she
would call me relentlessly. We went several years not talking. Then she called me a while ago and since I hadn’t heard from her in a long time, I answered her call, thinking she just wanted to “touch base” She said that her nephew has autism
and could she call me everyday and we would pray for him. I do pray for him each day now but
I really think expecting someone to pray each day with you is a little too much to ask especially when she continues to talk after we finish praying and monopolized the conversation and we still have the language barrier.
She is very pushy about this and I have had to stop taking her calls again but I still pray each day for the
little boy. I care about this situation but I feel like I am being controlled and I hate it . She is leaving me messages that cause me
to feel guilty and a bad Christian. I really don’t want to be friendly with her anymore yet how do you tell someone that you don’t want to be friends with them when she has so much to contend with. She is
the primary caregiver.
I know this sounds very selfish on my part, but she would take over my life if I let her.
She goes to a church and I think she has burned out most of the people there, because the only people she talks to is me and her family or so she said (I think) and even they are not taking her calls ( she said, I think)
I feel so guilty, yet I feel like I just want her to leave me alone yet I don’t want to
hurt her feelings . Don’t we have any control about who we have for friends? Should
we let people come in and take over our lives because we are Christians? I feel so bad
about this if I go back taking her calls or if I don’t take her calls at all.
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Laurel
I am also in the same position. My bff of over 30 years has shut me out of her life. She has had many changes in her life in the past year (death in the family, death of a friend, health issues), so I have been patient. I reach out to her by phone, text, and invites to get together and she ignores me, blows me off, or takes days to respond with just a short excuse. She keeps telling me that she is going through a rough time, but she doesn’t expand on it at all, so I really don’t know what she is dealing with, nor does she choose to share. She lives in the next town and I haven’t seen her in 6 months and haven’t talked to her by phone in 3 months. It is just hard to accept being that I have always been “her person”. I understand that she is probably depressed, but when I give her space and don’t reach out, she accuses me of being a bad friend for not being there. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. My family has told me to leave it alone as there isn’t much more I can do. I guess I just feel sad as I miss her friendship. I feel like I should hang in there and keep reaching out, but I am so tired of having my feelings hurt in the process. It is so hard to know what is wrong when she doesn’t communicate with me. I feel like she is enjoying playing the victim, but also feel guilty for thinking that. What to do?
You keep reaching out and you stop taking it personally. She isn’t being rude or inconsiderate to you, she is doing the best she can to get through a difficult time in her life, and it sounds like she’s trying to be considerate and not dump it on anyone else. Reach out to let her know you’re there, do it over and over again for as long as it takes, and realize if you don’t get a response that’s not because you’re you or you don’t matter to her or you’ve done something wrong, but because she’s hurting. Be the friend you’d want if you were in her shoes. Also, try offering something specific. She may feel what she’s going through is too overwhelming to talk about. So instead of asking for communication which is clearly a challenge for her right now, try offering something specific. Offer to do soemthing together and NOT talk. Ask if you can help her with something, like laundry or cleaning or an errand or something else specific to take something off her plate. Tell her you’re taking her kids or her dog or whatever she might feel responsible for on a certain day for a few hours so she can just go sleep or read or get a mani/pedi or massage.
I have a friend,she’s very dear to my heart.shes very sick,she had a hip replacement she was in the hospital for 3 months and when she came home she changed,but only with me,now she said something mean to me and that’s not like her is there something else wrong.we were so close once,I,be known her for a year
Someone answer me please I really need advice
Hi. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I think your friend is probably just going through a lot and maybe she is pushing you away because that is how she deals with her own problems. Maybe she is having financial problems due to the surgery or is just trying to get back into a routine. I would just keep being there for her and if she continues to shut you out then ask her if she just needs some space. If she continues to neglect your feelings and not appreciate you being there for her then your relationship with her is not worth it. You don’t want to be walked all over or unappreciate.. You sound distraut about this but try not to take her being distant or cold personally until it is clear that she doesn’t appreciate you. I hope this help.
I think it is because she has so much going on physically. If she said something mean when she was sick it may have been because she was in pain. I know it has been a long time since your original post. I hope you can follow up on what happened. I would send a card or note on the holidays and for no reason. She also may be very depressed and busy with her recuperation. I bet there is a lot of physical therapy and appointments. I agree with the other response about financial matters too. She may be embarrassed if she does not have money to go out or things may have changed.
Being frank …m totally confused …I need help…my best friend is saying me to go away from her life because v went physical with each other..after actually going physical she was normal but later aftr 2months know she is making me remember that n wanna leave me n saying to go away from her life…please I require help n positive suggestions… Help me..
Hi Irene, I have a bit of a problem, I had a friend who was on my facebook page, she recently went ballistic over a picture that I have had on my page for months. She contacted my sister a few
months ago about all the revealing photos on my page, my sister
told her that I am an adult but was concerned because I have a lot
of men on my page, I do have some female friends but most of them do not hassle me over the pictures. This woman has also been obsessed with our other friend who passed away from breast cancer, she followed her around like a puppy when we were in school and still fawns over her constantly even now that she is gone. And I found out from my sister that she had passed, she never called me and told me about it and spoke with my sister on facebook first. I don’t like the way she treated me and this one picture made her write a mean comment on my timeline saying, “B…..you are self absorbed and an attention seeker! Look at all these guys, they just want to get in your pants. These guys are whoremongers.” After I read that I wanted to defend myself, she blew all of this out of proportion, I found a long message from her in my inbox, basically telling me all of her recent problems about how her husband had brain surgery and suffers from seizures and dealing with a mentally ill son who has special needs, but degrading and threatening me at the same time. She mentioned that it has been almost six years since we have spoken and when I did call her I asked what was going on and she was aloof just saying everything was fine, so I thought she didn’t want to talk, then she finally told me. What made me more upset was the fact that she bought her son into it saying, “My son saw your photos and he thought they were gross.” I said to her that I don’t think your son was actively looking for me on facebook, you must have told him about it, and if she was any kind of mother she would have told him to always have respect for women no matter what, there are always 2 sides to the story. She has also called my religion a cult, and she is a born again Christian and she uses that to control people and be judgmental. After all of this she wrote another long message posting it on my timeline for all to see, I only read the first few sentences about how she doesn’t like drama and doesn’t want to go back and forth, I had a problem blocking her the first time, and that is how she snuck on my page and left her nasty, rude comment. In her message she also told me she wanted to have friends from the High School group contact me but that she would be embarrassed if they saw my photos and delete me. My other friend who I am very close with is still friends with her and she is in the middle of it and doesn’t want to take sides, but this other woman is impossible and it’s like she doesn’t respect me at all! Making statements like, “I don’t want to come to your page and see your boobs!” Talking about me getting raped being condescending too like I don’t know how to handle myself, I told her she has no clue what I have been through and that when my mom died, I didn’t have my mom to teach me to love myself and mold me into a woman who has self esteem and dignity. And after all of this she never apologized.
Your so called friend is envious of you and your life. Its so obvious.Shes burdened with her husband and sons mental illness. And she seems miserable about it. She’s not a happy person. And she sees your pics and men on your page and gets furious.Because your enjoying your life and Shes not. She wishes she had your life, your boobs etc. People go through hardships in their life but are still kind and considerate to others and are happy for them. Let her go! Lose all contact with her. Shes your enemy and not your friend. You don’t need a friend like her.Be around friends that love and respect you. Shes just jealous! And we all know jealousy stems from ones own insecurities. If she had any beauty, brains, class and confidence, she wouldn’t be envious of you and knocking you. A confident woman does not envy another. And jealousy is the highest form of flattery. So say, “Thank you” and take a bow. PS, next time she says something that’s cruel, say, “I’m sorry your having a bad day and taking it out on me.” You take care, beautiful. Xo
Agree completely.
SO, me and my friend were texting each other one day after school so as we were texting i said r you not my friend anymore because she was mad about something so thats why i said that. And she thought that i was saying i don’t want to be friends with her but i was just asking that question to her but she thought of it like that. So now she won’t talk to me at school she does not text me because she blocked me. But she was the most best friend i had ever had and now without her in my life i am always sad and mad i flunk tests and now i feel like committing suicide.
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If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to speak to a responsible adult either at home or at school.
if you feel so despondent that you are thinking about hurting yourself in any way, contact a suicide hotline immediately.
• A free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis (or their loved ones) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers.
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Honey. You should not be relying on anyone to be happy. You need to go out on your own and find out what makes you happy. You will always be disappointed if you rely on others to be happy. You should value yourself enough to do better in school and forget about this so called friend.
I have a best friend best means bestest BT I don’t know that why she had ignored my gift actually the whole girls had win the dance competition and we will have who will win give gift to each boys and girls I said my friend to give this to him BT she did not except after her so many attempts after that I had decided not to talk with at least I had not talked him 1 week then after one week she came to me and said give me that gift I will accept it BT suddenly she replies no no don’t give then I decided not to talk to him really BT when I not started to talk to him I had day and night his feelings only and every day she indicates that she want to talk with me BT I don’t know this is positive respond or not plz help me
I recently,noticed that a friend of mine @work started acting funny towards me, reasons, there was a day she was not at the office, so i went to her dept cos i needed to get away from my sit cause of noise, i was using her system to print some document because my system was not connected to the office printer after that i notice that she has a mail so i decide to help her respond to her mails only for me to notice that the mail i was suppose to be incopy of the mail because am the one handling the account. so i approached our head to ask why i was not copied in the mail he gave me reasons and promised to correct it.i didnt bother calling her to tell her because i didnt find it neccessary because i didnt want to bother her with it. so she called me later that day asking me to check her mail that she saw a mail so she thinks is mine not her so i quickly replied saying dont bother your pretty head on that i have got it sorted out. she later sent me some longer messages online that so i went to her mail i never thought it wise to let her know that she is finding it unbelievable that i can actually do that so i explained to her how it all happen and pleaded with her to forgive me if it offended her that i nerve meant to. i was only trying to help her resspond to her mails which i normally do for most of our colleagues before i ran into the mail that was suppose to be for me. i pleaded and pleaded cause she was thinking that i went to search her mails to steal her deals i just dnt understand.
since then she said she understand and has forgotten abt it, but her actions and attitude changed towards me. she no longer talk to me lie before, if shes talking and i pass she will keep quite. i just dnt understand her anymore and i dnt know what to do.
When I was in high school my best friend was 15 I was 17 she was a new student and we were really close friends me and her hit off right away and for two years she was my best friend until she moved back to where she use to live well we kind of drifted apart and well a couple years went by I added her as a friend on Facebook she blocked me then I talked to her boyfriend about it and this person came on there and said no she didn’t do anything wrong I just don’t won’t to be her friend anymore and well that was it well o thought it was a mistake and never thought she would say that until I made anther Facebook and she blocked me on that one when I talked to her about anime movies now I don’t know what I did wrong but why say we like sisters and drop me like a hot potato cause u move really? I’m very hurt by this but 🙁 I don’t know words can’t explain
I have a friend. We are friends from 4 years. She got a job in one company, She used talk to me regularly, but suddenly she stopped talking and she is saying me that im not her friend what to do im not able to bear this hell..
Lstn buddy…weather ask her ones twice …if she is sick of it then ..Lev her life…try to sort out problems… But if she isn’t responding you thn she might have got new Frnds..if such happens move on..
Chloe. Thanks for your reply….so are you suggesting that I was wrong for putting my family’s career aspirations ahead of a supposed friend who ended up not giving a damn about me or my family? So, if her lack of good judgement cost my daughter the chance to be a police officer, that would be ok in your eyes? Not sure if I understood your response….please clarify….thanks.
I had a very good friend for almost 20 years. I am retired now. 66. I had moved away from one state to another state after a divorce. She got mad about that. She got over it. I moved back home after being away for 13 years. She never married and hated men even more when I moved back. She said I could stay with her for awhile. I had broken up with my guy in the other state through no fault of my own. I stayed awhile. I had my health insurance transferred etc. I was getting ready to get my drivers license in the home state. I attended a party of another friend. I fell down on my coccyx bone. She said I couldn’t take it easy and had to have a job yesterday and stay in a motel. She got angry cause I fell, angry cause her guy neighbor cooked dinner for me, etc. I am on social security. I offered to $400month expense to her. She refused kicked me out on the streets. I am a well educated retired artist. She was also mad because I retired. She was older and retired but worked three days a week. Where I was living before retired was on a beach on a strand on the gulf Coast. She was mad about everything. Now I’m at my son’s home and looking for a place to stay that isn’t $2500 a month. I’m running into extremely high rents. She dropped me like a hot potatoes. She did this because I fell and just at the time I was getting my drivers written test appointment. I was going to drive for Uber. Now she has all of our friends turned against me. Horrifying judge and unrealistic scenario. Why would someone do this?
I’m sorry your friend dropped you. I think you should reflect on your timeline when staying at her place and how quickly you did or did not seek work, how much you helped out, cleaned the house, cooked etc. seems she thinks you took advantage of her and then once you were injured was worried she’d never get her own place back. Even though she was your fried she was not responsible for taking care of you and supporting you, irregardless of your income. YOU are responsible for putting a roof over your head!
Hmmm…Linda’s comment sounds rather harsh and judgmental, not knowing all of the facts. Linda assumes that Vicki took advantage of her friend. It is disheartening how many women quickly rush to judgment. It is possible that Vicki was irresponsible but no need to make assumptions as we don’t know the whole story.
Some women fall on hard times through possibly making the wrong decision, getting in a relationship with the wrong person when they were looking for love and companionship, being injured or ill. Not all people have the same luck or chances in this life. Yes, sometimes women make bad decisions or have bad luck and we unfortunately live in a country where people are pitted against each other and there are very few safety nets. It’s survival of the fittest. Then Vicki fell and injured her tailbone which is a very painful injury, yet in Linda’s eyes, this is just another knock against her.
My take on Vicki’s story is that she dealt with an angry, difficult judgemental friend who was not willing to help her when she was down. I can think of a similar “friend” of mine, hates men, doesn’t give anyone a chance, is always angry at one person or another, extremely stingy and judgmental of other people. Now I am distancing myself from this cold and unfeeling woman I’ve known for 35 years.
Good luck Vicki, because it sounds like you’re going to need it.
Thank for the comment about judgemental linda. Very harsh. I was with this man for11 years too long. I worked worked. Paid for two cars during that relationship. I had never lived with the lady had known her through a job in universal city. I have two grown boys three granchildren. She is a vrgin. Never married hates men wants everything her way. Is a messy housekeeper. Has a cat. Smelly cat litter. Eats out three meals a day. Goes to movies twice a day. I had three divorces. She was jealous of any friend. All her friends have to eat out with her. Hell no i was not going to stay with that lady. I was down. Alwsys worked hard paid rent paid bills. I was 66 then. Now i am 67. I honestly don’t trust her or anyone now. Rents are high here. I am going thru narcissistic abuse training. Tired of narcissitic abusive men and women
Your friend seems very jealous of you and does not want to see you being happier than her.
I am 67. I was only there three weeks. I have worked since i was 17. Worked my way through college. I am not trying to take advantage of anyone. I broke up with a 60 year old narcissitic two timing college graduate. I fell down and she got mad. I am not what you are accusing me of. I am 67. I had retired at fulton beach texas with my ex partner. He moved a 38 year old lady in. I had bought the furniture and other appliances for the house . I moved back to LA. My friend is as narcisdistic as my ex boyfriend. I have put a roof over my head for many years. I moved out of my parents home at 20. I studied nursing, business management, journalism, film, multi media production, graphic design. I am retired on medicare and social security. I have set up my health insurance coverage, have my cali drivers lic again. I have a place. You are judgemental and don’t deserve my explanation. I gave it . How old are you? I was raised to work hard. What is your excyse?
I had very close friend who I met in church about 2 years ago. She was going through a very rough time, and helping her brought us very close, like sisters. I helped her move twice in a year, helped her recover from cancer, and we formed a very tight bond. We would text, skype or talk every day, and on Saturdays we would go shopping together and have lunch. We had a lot of laughs, and it was pure fun spending time with her. We understood eachother, and shared so much. I felt like I could tell her anything, and vice versa. With her 2nd move, we soon found out that the man who owned the house she was living in (she rented a room in this man’s house) was a drug addict (and he sure put on a show the 3 times we looked at the house because we didnt have a clue about this), AND the man who lived in the basement sold drugs. I have several family members who are working towards careers in the legal field (judgeship, and police officer), and as you may know, the background checks for these fields are brutal. Not only can you not be tied to anyone questionable in any way, but your family also cannot have any questionable associations as well. Knowing this, and now knowing that my best friend was living with these unsavory people, I sat her down and had a heart to heart. Long story short, she opted to stay put, saying that she simply couldn’t afford to move at this point. I offered for her to come and live with me and my family for 6 months so that she could save up for a deposit on a new apartment, and she politely declined. As a result, I had to break ties with her, in order to support my family members’ futures. This was 8 months ago, and we haven’t spoken since. I feel guilty for having ended our friendship, and I still worry about her….is she ok. She’s the kind of person who would also worry about me, but would never reach out, as she’d be too embarrassed. What should I do? Let enough alone, or reach out and see if her circumstances have changed?
Wow.. leave it alone.. you basically showed her that the reputation that you and your family have, is worth more to you than your friendship. .. if I were here I’d be happier without that.. because if someone did that to me? I’d be so hurt.. I couldnt begin to want them back in my life
It seems futile to care abt certain online friends, even those with common interests. For a few months i wondered why i could not see this guy’s blog. Im very angry as we had talked over a year… I thought gahs would be less hostile as they get discirimination. I was wrong when i asked the admin – likely i had been blocked. Its absurd i SAID notbing wrong and he had done it earlier on. I was actually worried if he had some problems etc, after all we human. Only rep now oh he didn’t wanto talk anymore. As of hes so perfect and what, cannot be fun dismiss me. At xmas he gave me some gift which was hollow gesture.
He said he was a coward for not saying upfront,i hate his hypocrisy. Being blocked for nothing sucks. I dont care if frens have trouble its inexcusable to be so rude. Not like i am a stalker or flamer.
Im not againsy lgbt,some r good but this kind is horrid and childish.
(I was very pissed yesterday and used curses) But i want others to learn from this so pls post it!
Same thing happened to my daughter and myself , we had a friend for 11 years talked to her one evening at 9:30 pm an hour later she wanted nothing to do with us . Friend says she can’t deal with me cause I spend to much money ( she’s calling the kettle black she goes out and purchases 5,000. Dollar diamonds ) . Oh then sells them shortly afterwards . She spent money like water . Then she began to Harass us so we had to go to the police station . She no longer bothers us ! I’m 59 , daughter 31 , friend 70 years of age . I’m thinking she has a mental issue . We were all best friends stuck at the hip .
Glad to know i’m not the only one.So about 6 months ago I get a message on social media from a friend of a cousin.(I am a 23 year old guy)Since we live in different cities we ended up texting each other.The texting gets to almost the whole day and we pretty much spoke everything and knew everything about each other.There was the flirting too but then I had to slow it down as I just got out of a really long relationship.
After the 6 months ,I started noticing that she did not respond to my texts like before,they were often after hours or the next day.On being asked if everything was okay, she told it was work and things that kept her busy.So then I gave her some space till i realized i was the one always texting her so then i stopped and our conversations just ended there.
After say about 2 weeks ,i see a snap of her with another guy behind a screen who she captioned “bae”.
What hurt me more is not the guy but the fact that she had to ignore me for that.why do people do that??
Man i had something similar to your situation, but the only thing was, is this was a 3 month kinda thing. Back in March 10, 2016, this girl i met online (which is 20 yrs old) message me (first) on Badoo (which she was single and on there to make friend and chat as what i saw on bio). So we started to chat a little you know trying to get to know each other a little. Until March 13th, she message me: “Hey im heading out and i won’t have any internet.” Here’s my number if you want to text.” So “if i want to text”<—, which tells me that im doing the initiating texts from that up until june:/. Basically from the time i got her number and started to text, it wasnt like the norm; like when two people begin to start to know each other as person to establish a friendship, but more likely casual. I was pretty much initiating the texts by her only responding to them. Like if i text, she'll text back. It wasnt a 50/50 as if she wasnt texting according to her own term. Me when i exchange numbers or if the person give me theirs, im willing to get to know the person to establish a friendship. I understand people have work schedule and other stuff going on in their life but if you make time going out to clubs or hanging out with people after hours, atleast make time to talk to that person you dont know well enough by giving them your number. She stated sometime down in the end of march: "So when will we meet?" and i told her "we just have to make this happen". Mind you i was 95 miles away from her; and me personally, i knew she wasn't going drive herself lol. By the end of April, she had a little situation going on at the time but i told her i was coming that weekend. So i finally met her that night and she was about to get off work. So we talk a little but after she brought up ex, i thought " who would bring up their ex so soon?" especially when we first meeting. I thought it was a bit strange but overlooked the fact that she may wanted to clear head. Now im 30 yrs old and when her ex (was 10 yrs older than her) cheated on her for someone else i was shocked. I would've never thought her ex was that old but when she ask me how old i was i told her i was 30 on badoo and she thought i was 22 at the time. We started to walk around town and talk a little and decided to get something to eat. We crashed that night and the next day as i headed back home, we talked on the phone while she was at work. She was talking about getting a tatoo on her arm and she was asking me what i thought about. I was like cool you know(look at the end result prior to this) she was like" you should come to texas to her graduation", which was May 26 through monday (memorial weekend). So i took those days off beginning of May. As that day came, i was on my way there as she called me that day: hey wyd? And i was like "im on way towards you".she was like her mom asked her could i help her move some of her things cause her mom was moving back to Texas at the last minute(which is where she's from). I told her i dont mind helping her mom move cause im really passive to people. Im a giver not a taker, but that only can go so far. So i met her mom and her little brother and we had some conversations that day as we packed her things. We left at 1am that morning and man it was a long ass drive. Along down the road i asked her did she wanted me to drive some and she said yes cause she hadn't slept in two days. So as i drove, her mom was getting tired so we pulled at a gas station to rest. As i tried to lay my head down, she kissed me on the back on my neck(??). When tried to adjust my body, she kissed me on the cheek. I was like wth?. I was like "friends" dont kiss out of the blue especially when i didn't made no effect in doing so; if i know a person well enough then i would but that was giving mix signals. "A kiss is a powerful tool if you dont have no reason behind it". After all the driving, i met her brother, went to his graduation,and went to a few clubs. I enjoyed myself; had a good time. Sometime along that time when i was there, my heart was troubling me as i was predicting something but couldn't grasp to it. She was like "you seem mad". I was like im just observing, but didn't bring it to her attention because i didn't want to kill the mood(until i found out the end result). When we got back home(May 31, 2016), i told her i was heading back home cause i wasnt able to see her when she got off work. She was like we going to pick a day(you know i assuming hang out) and she had to finish packing her mom things to move back to Texas). She get off 9:30pm that night. When i was heading home that night, around 9:01pm i text her that i appreciate her allowing me to come with her and her family on the trip to Texas. I didn't get no respond from that so im sure she seen it but atleast you would say you welcome or something you know. Now for the end result: June 1-4th. June the 1st, i text hey was your Facebook name cause i didnt know her last name; i wanted to keep friends with cause you never know you might not see that person that much or at all. She didnt respond. So i send her that same text again that following day but hours off the first text. She still didn't respond. So i decided to look her up on facebook and sent a request. From the 2nd up until the 4th i tried texting she wasnt responding. Even on the 4th of june i seen her on Snapchat and i sent her a message and she didnt opened it. After all that man, i decided to give it a rest because i didn't want to get that silent treatment again. As i was questioning my self, what did i do wrong or what i didnt do? So from that time on Snapchat( she was looking at my stories which was odd and suspicious to me when she didnt reach back out to me). Facebook( she hadnt accept my friend request yet from the time i added her even when i texted/ asked for her name on facebook. Which i found fishy cause the amount of friends she had at the time when i added, she been adding more since that time). I was puzzled. On June 28 2016, im going on Snapchat and i see her, her female friend and a guy going to Nashville. Her and the guy had got a tatoo "LOVE 6-7-16" on their arm. That right there whatever they had going on that day ( 3 days after the 4 days(june1-4th) i was trying to reach her was adding on the puzzles i was putting together and finally got my answer. The thing that bugged/ticked me off was she didnt communicate with me as suppose of her was already talking to someone at the time when we first met by keeping the friendship intact. Im not a big fan of cutting ties off with a person i met but you'll will give respect to someone why you stop talking if you made effort before to text/meet however. Me personally i felt little betrayed/used by her not reaching back out to me, which im not entirely sure the friendship still there.
As women, we always knew that when we were young and dating that a man may or may not stay around as we looked for that final one to be our mates. We were able to recover usually from our broken hearts. But our best girl friend is supposed to last forever, no matter what. I am 64 and recently lost a good girl friend and cannot help feeling hurt to the max. We met weekly for coffee for over two years and as we were sharing, she disagreed about something that was personal about me and she got quite argumentative about it. I simply said “Can’t we just agree to disagree? I understood the thing I was sharing may have been foreign to her and I did not care if she understood. She went ballistic, angry and cut off our friendship. She even said she no longer valued me as a friend, harsh words I thought. We live in a very small village as American expats in Mexico, so it is hard to not run into each other. I emailed and asked that we at least be friendly and civil in public, sadly accepting her decision to diss me. She replied she would not be angry in public but had no interest in my life at all. I have been crying for two weeks. But I have learned something. I realized that I once did the same thing, without anger, but I now knew how it felt to be dissed. I have learned we never know where another has been or what they have endured. I simply could not share with another friend about something. It had nothing to do with her , but she was incapable of understanding why I could not share. With the friend in Mexico, I realized that I knew very little about her prior life except that she had an abusive mother. She overcame a lot, married a loving man, I felt she still harbored anger inside on some level. I do not fault her for that which was not her fault, but her illogical treatment of me probably had more to do with her past than me. She may never realize it, and it hurts like hell, but I know that her anger toward me was not really personal either. She is lacking awareness of that, but I think we all have probably been hurt by someone and most likely have also hurt someone. I try so hard to be kind, but knew in the second case something came up in my life that I just could not share with her. It ended our friendship and I was never angry at her at all. She became angry because I would not share. Just could not win in either of these situations. Friends are treasures, but I have found myself to be 64, a young one, with no friends whatsoever. It makes no sense. I think myself to be kind and loyal. It just happens.I pray every day that God will send me a good friend. The pain goes on and on and we all need to consider that when we want to separate from someone.
I know how you feel.. It hurts when people don’t understand you and you are left alone after investing your heart and soul in a friendship.. Its been couple of years since I got ditched by my besties but I am still not comfortable sharing my thoughts with anyone.. I really wish you get a very good friend soon.. You deserve it..
There are a lot of angry, judgmental and bitter women out there. A lot. I have met my share and if my life hasn’t turned out exactly like theirs (wealthy, beautiful house, etc), or I have a disability (true, in the last three years that has changed my life dramatically) or I never found the right guy (meaning, he has a lot of money) or I never bought a house and fixed it up – all by myself – the list goes on and on and on.
I’ve reached a point where I have no desire or ability to compete with women so I now mostly keep to myself, my family and my boyfriend, a kind compassionate man who did not plan well and has literally no assets. My friends all think I should dump him and try to find a man with money, all this at age 55. Sure, if i want to go online and find a man 10 – 20 years older, who I am not attracted to, just so I can show everyone that I’ve “made it”. I guess it doesn’t matter that he is kind, loving, intelligent and offers me wonderful, caring companionship. Nope, what matters is how much money he has, etc.
It’s really no wonder that middle-aged women in the U.S. are suicidal in increasing numbers and are now actually successful at it. Per CNN: “Middle-aged women, between 45 and 64, had the highest suicide rate among women in both 1999 and 2014…”
No, I am not actively suicidal but I understand the feelings when women in my age group are so incredibly catty, competitive, cold and judgmental. It’s a cold world out there, and the reality is that so many people are hanging by a thread.
Please women, be kinder to each other. Try not to judge. Exercise compassion as much as possible. Live each day knowing you may not be here tomorrow. Value time, love and freedom over material goods. You will be happier for it.
My friend of 40 years has moved back to the area. She’s retired, well off, no kids. I was a stay at home mom for 2 kids, now divorced, and am scrambling to get my career / income up running. She prioritizes her dogs over me, even in the planning stages of an activity.
I invite her lots of places. She seldom includes me. I tip 20%. She eats an appetizer, and leaves next to nothing for a tip. I won’t share a tab with her ever again.
Recently she invited herself to go with me to the coast for the weekend, where I stay in a friends house. Our host does not even know her, but charitably extended welcome to her. Today, the day before we are to leave, she calls to ask me if she can tag along NEXT weekend, instead of THIS weekend. Silly me, I was ACTUALLY looking forward to spending time with her. Now I feel disappointed, hurt, and angry. I feel a fool.
She says she hesitated to ask, because she didn’t want to upset me, or make me feel like she didn’t want to BE with me, but there were a LIST of other things she wanted to do instead of come with me THIS weekend. NOW, seeing that she has indeed upset me, she now wants to come THIS weekend after all. I don’t even want to talk to her, let alone take her anywhere in my car for hours. I feel like the fun is ruined. Like she’ll be missing more fun things, to have to be with me, the inflexible one, because I am so easily upset.
Is it me?? And, no, this isn’t the first time she’s done this. She KNOWS my family history. She KNOWS this was the kind of things I was subjected to all my life by my family. Yet, she is shocked that I cannot even discuss the possibility of “being flexible.”
It’s not even my house we are staying in. Am I wrong to feel hurt? Am I inflexible? We are now 60, and my kids are grown, and I feel like I need her, because there is no one else I can count on. Yet, I can’t count on her, to do FUN things.
Hi Suzanne,
Well, join the club! I got up this morning looking for articles on how to handle resentment from a slowing ending friendship. I can’t stand to feel this way anymore. My hurt and anger are consuming my every moment. I decided that today is a new day and that I am now here for me. I refuse to allow myself to be treated this way any longer.
My story briefly…….my “what I thought was my best friend” since 6th grade……. (I will turn 59 in October) has just pretty much quit initiating contact the past year or so. She will reply to my messages, but briefly. I am still waiting for her promised visit from last Christmas and also one from about three weeks ago. She lives less than a mile from me…….so close, but that hasn’t help our friendship to continue to thrive. I have tried so hard to keep in touch with her…….but, I am not getting in return what I am giving. Now, I am starting to feel inferior, similar to how I felt when I divorced about twenty years ago. I fought those feelings, but now, this on top of that? I start dwelling on what is wrong with me? I have decided that some people are just selfish and inconsiderate. I am making plans to practice the resentment steps and suggestions and move on with my life. Also, I am going to make an effort to get involved in activities where I can meet new people. Some of the resentment article make such good sense and have already started helping my thought process this morning. They indicate that the ongoing negative thoughts keep us in prison…….I WANT OUT!!!
We deserve to be us and I bet we both have a lot to offer other people. We need to focus on that and I bet our current feelings will fade away…….just as these cherished friendships have faded. I now choose to believe that I have done nothing wrong to deserve this loss.
Suzanne…….I hope you see this message…….WE CAN DO THIS AND FEEL BETTER AND MORE EMPOWERED.
Sincerely,
Debbie
PS…….My 23 year-old daughter has had a similar issue with her best friend. I just don’t get it. People can be such a mystery!
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Sounds like grief, people grief in different ways obviously the death of her Grandmother upset her a lot she became depressed and shut people out of her life wanted to be alone? People act all weird after deaths in family where as some move on easily,Or maybe you told her your husband got laid off from work for attending the funeral and that upset her more now she holding a grudge against you for it?
I completely shut off my bestfriend just last month without saying anything. Blocked her off. I’m still very guilty about it because I know I’m being mean.
We were friends for a couple years, hung out all the time. She would call/text me everyday. At first I thought she was sweet, and her little girly ways were cute. We were both on our 20s when we met. As years went by, she kept coming late when we have plans. I’ve expressed my annoyance but it never changed. I tried to be patient but then she cancelled on me last minute on things, even for the ones I ask a day off from work for just to hang out with her. Then she would tell me I’m a stuck up for getting mad of her being late (sometimes 2 hours late, because ‘she fell asleep’) or cancelling, and that she has her own life too. Her worst habit that really annoyed me is when we’re together, she would always be on her phone. I can’t even talk to her!! She’s either talking to her bf, or taking selfies and waste our time because she’ll start editing her photos so she can post them on social media. It drove me nuts! Her company just stressed me out, I had to get away! aaaaaaahhh!
Hi Kris,
You feel guilty about shutting her off. That says to me you’re caring and think about others’ feelings. So I don’t think you should beat yourself up about this any more. Maybe you feel you should have given her your reasons or somehow ended it in what seems to you like a gentler way. But the truth is you did what you felt you had to. And you did it the only way you felt you could do it – with a complete break. The way I see it, you’ve probably done both of you a favour. You’ve freed her to devote herself to all those things she’s chosen over you (I doubt she will be worrying over you the way you are over her), and you’ve freed yourself to find a genuine best friend who will appreciate and reciprocate your friendship.
This has been bothering me. I don’t have a lot of friends right now, because of my current lifestyle, but it’s a temporary thing, and I’ve always been close to my best friend since High school. She used to call me every single day, (or every other day) text me frequently, come up with hang out ideas with me, and was just very active and close. When she started her first semester of college, we never stopped being best friends. All of a sudden though, after 2 years since HS graduation, she took a short break from college and started her new classes about a month ago. Ever since we last hung out one day (about a few days before she began college again) she’s dropped her flow with me completely. We had a great time and she was super happy when we hung out, so that can’t be it, but ever since then, she almost never texts me and never calls me.
When I send her msgs, she responds 1-3 days later, and never keeps our conversation up for very long. 5 or so short responses and that’s it. She only calls me once in a blue moon, and that’s only when she’s seeking my advice for her “mutual friendship drama”.. She hangs out a lot with a couple of girls from her college, and is pretty active on social media, and yet when we text it’s like she’s too busy to talk to me.
We made plans to go to the movies for the past two weeks, and the first week, she seemed super excited to hang out with me, but 1 week before the movie night, while I’m reminding her about the movies and how it’s great to see it in 3D etc etc, she never responded, nor called/texted me the day we were supposed to go to the movies.. She said she “forgot” and was “too busy”, but every other day she’s hanging out with her mutual friends, and not with her best friend? She’s already done this before even though I reminded her just days before the date. She’s too busy and goes to another friend’s party, and then the best part, she never invites me, nor thinks about introducing me to any of her friends.
I’ve never forced myself on her. On the contrary, every time she’s needed me, I’ve been there for her, and have respected her thoughts/desicions.. When she does talk to me, she tells me how one of her mutual friends is giving her drama and etc, and not being a very good friend to her, yet she stops talking to me for weeks once she’s done ranting about it?
I myself haven’t changed at all. And whenever she’s wanted some distance from me (for reasons that have nothing to do with me as a person), she’s always let me know about it. But lately, I’m in the dark. I have no idea why this is happening.
It’s hard to move on because she’s the only true friend I really have right now. It makes me angry and sad all at once. She has so many friends that she only recently met, yet her old best friend who knows nearly everything about her, and, according to her,is the friend she wishes all her friends were like, is apparently the one person she never talks to now.
She did this to someone before, but that was tons of years ago, and that other person is nothing like me, so I really don’t understand..
Hi Charlotte,
An hour ago I picked up my phone and googled “My best friend is driving me crazy”. I found this page and your comment – I can’t believe how similar our stories are.
Reading your post was like retelling my relationship with my own best friend – every detail about the closeness of the relationship and even her comment wishing how her other friends were more like you, are exactly the same as mine.
At first my best friend shut me out though when we would meet up (after many attempts and cancellations on his behalf) he would act like everything was fine and be surprised that I asked. We’d have a great time. Then I’d never hear from him.
This leaves me questioning myself – have I done something wrong? Although I know I haven’t. Why is he doing this? And why does it hurt me so much?” “am I over thinking it?” “maybe I’m losing my mind”
Our only option is to let these people go. In clinical psychology there are types of behaviour designed to attack self esteem, create confusion and instil self-doubt. This is exactly what has happened here.
Over time, mini attacks on our self esteem make us increasingly passive, easy to influence and ultimately easy to control.
These are abusive relationship and can be friendships, partners, family, colleagues etc. If you feel something isn’t quite right with the person or relationship, pay close attention. If you identify the above, drop everything, turn around, and run as fast as you can to get away.
If you’re interested, start with Crazy making behaviour, emotional manipulation and personality disorders.
I’ve been seeing a Psychologist for a few months now and they have helped me understand this abusive behaviour. Learning the above has helped me, and I hope it can help you too.
Love,
Matt
Welcome to the blog. I removed your last name to protect you against spammers. This is the policy we follow.. Thanks! Irene (moderator)
Thank you for that. Had exact experience with my best friend and I agree it’s a method of breaking down a person.
Cheers
You know, Charlotte, you sound like a bright, thoughtful person who would have no problem at all making friends. You just come across as lacking a bit of confidence in yourself, maybe because of whatever you’re going through with your temporary circumstances right now.
From what you say, your “friend” tends to neglect and drop old friends, no matter how faithful they have been, when she gets carried away with new ones. That’s not your fault. It’s just how she is. She probably doesn’t even realise how hurtful her actions are.
It may eventually dawn on her how badly she’s treated you — or she may never give it a second thought. What you need to decide is are you willing to keep on taking the hurt and abuse of your friendship? Or are you worth more than that? Just maybe it’s time, hard as it feels, to bite the bullet and start looking for a friend that is worthy of your loyalty and friendship.
All the best.
Charlotte, I think your friend is an ESTP. Google it. Your story sounds sooooo much like mine and my ESTP friend. I am an INFJ. Maybe you are too …. Find people who love you and care about YOU. You come across as a really nice person xo
I had a best friend once, our kids gone to kind together and we’re best friends as well , then she moved to different city , I kept asking about her, texting her, messages but I thought she forgot me because suddenly she stopped saying she was tierd and low and my text are accusations and remind her how useless she is.
I admit it sometimes I get angry and ask her why she is ignoring me and not answering my messages. So her husband interfered and said very nasty words with me and swared at me. So I ended our friendship.
Shall I apologize for being needy and my asking about her or just leave it as it is?
Hi Tara,
Things may have worked themselves out by now. If not, my advice would be that, if you feel it would make you feel better, maybe just send a short text saying something like, “I’m here if you ever need me.” And then leave it at that. No more contact unless she decides to contact you.
That way you’ve given her the space she seems to want without adding to her ‘useless’ self-image. And you’ve given yourself permission to move on without any guilt over ending the friendship. As for apologising: I don’t think you need to apologise. In fact, from what you say, you are the one who is owed an apology!
I have been close friends with a girl since 1st grade. We are both now 40yrs old. She is always talking about how bad her life is and says nothing good ever happens to her. I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. I had surgery and 3 days into recovery had double bacterial pneumonia with two small boys to care for. She never came by to check on me, when I really needed a friend to care and offer assistance with my 1yr old and 3yr old boys. I later found out, My friend Kelly decided to move in with a guy that she knew had a drug problem (she doesn’t do drugs). She works and he doesn’t. He uses her money to buy his drugs. I advised her that it was a terrible idea and if he were caught with drugs in the place they now share, she would be in trouble too. She got upset from my advice. Now she does not contact me at all anymore, Andy other friends quit answering my calls as well. The only thing I can think of is she started silly rumors about me. I’m hurt and confused. I have always been there for her and all other friends. Now I feel alone, depressed and seems I have no one. Every day feels like I’m just trying to get through to the next. This painful disease I have doesn’t help.
Nicole, try to find the common divider. “It”, is the reason everything has changed between you, yourself and your friends; then attempt to understand what impact “that” might have had on the mystery of your other friends silence. Figure out what has changed. You truly became needy with serious health issues. Did you steal her limelight on the ‘poor oh pitiful me’ routine because you actually were the real deal? If that’s why, she is not your friend. I know from experience that when a person gets very ill, two things will happen and the depth of friendships will be tested. #1, real true friendship is based on love and acceptance no matter what. Who flew away and who stayed with you? The ones who stayed are your friends. Maybe. Here is the really hurtful part….did anyone stay by your side? If so, did they enjoy “helping’ a little to much? These aren’t anyone’s friend. They are truly vultures enjoying the feast of human pain & adding to it.. If a person passed both tests of love, you have a true friend. That friend may have zits but he/she knows it takes love and mutual respect to be a friend. Stop wasting your time/life on those that are untrue… God has given you the greatest gift. How to discern what you think is real from what is the actual truth. It hurts but you get to keep your self respect. God is the bff in my life. I’m sick too. My family stayed, no one else did. I’m still heartbroken over those friends from high school & college that flew away. Their flight is why I’m typing this to you. Love to you and your children,
one sick also <3
Okay, here’s my situation. I have two friends who are usually nice to me, Melaina and Emily. Melaina is not afraid to tell you the cold hard truth, but she can still be really nice. Emily, she’s always nice (one time she said i can’t be serious and it actually made me cry but we made up) but some of the things that bug me is that 1: when it seems like I’m out of the room, she starts saying mean things about me. Ex: Melaina- *taps Nathalie’s shoulder* Hi!
Nathalie: Hey Melaiana!
(They get into a convorsation)
Then I heard Melaina say “Yeah. She’s annoying and clingy, but she’s like, my friend, so I can’t judge.” I only know she was talking about me once later when we were on the computers during recess, and I was stitting under a desk with headphones on, playing my happy music (i was under the desk because i didn’t want people looking at my computer because i was playing a violent game, don’t judge me for playing it at school when you probably do the same) and when my music stopped, i heard melaina saying “Hey wheres Maya? Did she go outside?” And emily said “I don’t know.” Then melaina said “Whatever. I don’t want to hang out with her anyways. Shes annoying.” True, I do talk a LOT when I’m with her, but she doesn’t have to gossip about me. I went to her desk and was about to confront her, but it was so awkward, so i just went like “Hi!!!” And she went like “Um… hey?” I don’t want to confront her again because at volleyball practice once, I did and she totally denied it. She said “Oh my god. I can’t believe you think I would do something like that.” It was right in front of my family before we left, but they obviously didn’t hear, but I dropped it before she started screaming like a banshee. Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust her anymore with my secrets, like how I told her who I like. She told me who she like, and she either lied to everyone, or told me the truth, because everyone else knows it too. I feel like she’s just using me though. I don’t like how she’s treating me lateley. Also, I made friends with a girl named Lily, and we started hanging out a lot. Melaina got jealous and was mad at me for ignoring her for ONLY THIRTY MINUTES. She was kind of acting like a drama queen, no offense Melaina. Now, her and Lily are great friends, but at lunch, they sit away from me and hardly talk to me at all, and whenever I invite Melaina over for a sleepover, shes apparently “busy”. I invite her over, she uses the same excuse every time. Tia and Jace are coming over. (Her niece and nephew) I feel like she hates me, but we do hang out a lot. I just don’t know what to do, but I think I’ll wait until I have proof she’s gossiping about me behind my back before I confront her again. Please help me.
I’m worried guys. She’s a great friend, really, but I feel like she’s telling secrets about me. Last year, she had a friend named Kyanna, and Melaina would always say “shes a drama queen.” I think she’s saying the same thing about me. Also, in choir, they’re great friends again. In fact, Melaina drops whatever we’re talking about to talk to Kyanna, Kyanna drops everything with me to talk with Melaina. Another thing, we were talking to Kyanna, then suddenly Melaina said “You know Maya, you shouldn’t have called Kyanna bad names.” Right in front of Kyanna. And in my head I’m all like “EXCUSE ME WHY DONT WE CHECK YOUR RECORD BOOK MHM YOU CALLED HER A B*TCH LIKE 500 TIMES AND I SAID NO SHES NOT YOU ARE JUST HAVING DRAMA!!!”
After that Kyanna didn’t say anything. I wanted so bad to tell her how Melaina said all those things about Kyanna behind her back all the time, but I couldn’t. It was too hard. I told Melaina “Kuudere is not a bad thing, Kyanna just seems like one.” I guess Melaina didn’t remember that, though, and assumed “kuudere” was an awful thing to call a person. Jeez. I wanted so bad to betray Melaina, but it would make me just as bad as her, but I feel awful for not telling Kyanna. She deserves to know what a jerk Melaina was to her behind her back. Melaina and I wouldn’t be friends again if I told though, so I kept my mouth shut. Later I told her “You’re pretty lucky I’m such a good friend. I could have told her right on the spot and embarrased you so bad with all the nasty things you said about her.
Of course when she said those things about me to Kyanna, I was furious and told Kyanna that it’s not true, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t believe me. Oh well, Kyanna and I are still great friends, and Melaina and me are okay friends. I just hope she’s not gossiping about me, too.
I honestly think u need to take up for yourself girl!! This girl is obviously a narcissist and they feed off of and use empathetic people like yourself. I am an empath and I can feel your pain through your writing. Please google and look up how narcissists use empathetic people like yourself. You are better off being around someone that wouldn’t do those things to you. PLEASE take up for yourself. I know u don’t like hurting others,but you need to put her in her place and move on. There are many people who would value such a wonderful friend like you dear so please learn to value yourself. Hope that helps some and love and light to u my dear .
The above reply is true. Every word of it. Whoever you are, thanks be to God you are here for this girl and myself. Ami the above reply is pure gold…Love your self, protect yourself, be yourself. Don’t let anyone put you down. I’m 55 yrs old and am just learning how to do it. Go to an animal shelter to volunteer, or help another person in need get through, babysit for money, run errands for pay, do something you will be proud of. Be sure and respect yourself!!!
Arizona…no offense..but, this or even BOTH of these women are not friends of yours!!
They are being very unkind..talking behind your back and in a very unkind manner!!
I’d just find better people to hang with from now on…and when they try to crawl back into your life..say…”No, I am glad that you showed me that you were so tired of my ways…but, I had to move on!” (Don’t get into it with either one of them…because they both know better,and never bothered to fix your friendship with them!
I have gone back and forth in my past with friends who treated me like dirt…so, I moved on..and when it got lonely..I learned to embrace it..and love being my own best friend too!!(plus, nobody nagged me,..while I went shopping..and I really don’t enjoy that very much)!!
I don’t want to have friends who steal from me,or lie to me,and or play head games either!! Been there…and enough is enough!!
Hi Kelly,
So sorry to hear what has happend to you. My best friend cut me off too, with no explanation. We were best friends for two years, myself and my partner met her at a party, and we all got on instantly, myself and Liz – thats the friend really hit it off and became very close, we texted every day, and she came over to myself and my partner ( Helen) house for dinner regularly. We all became good friends.
I really trusted my friend Liz, and told her confidences as she did me, as time went on, we all became closer. I did develop some feelings for Liz and told her about it and told my partner Helen, Helen was fine with it and was glad i told her and glad that nothing had happened, and Liz was fine also about it, we were still in contact after that, then a few months afterwards, my father passed away suddenly. I was grief stricken and didnt know what to do. Liz cut me off completely 3 weeks later, all she did was sent a text saying, that i had issues and things i needed to look after, and she couldnt support me, she didnt even apologise or say sorry and didnt even arrange to meet me face to face, it hurt like hell, coz she was my best friend and liz and helen were the two people i was closest too.
Then Helen and Liz started hanging out together all the time and leaving me out. I would busy myself up so i wouldnt be home on my own, it was only 2 months after my father passed away and i was so upset,they would go to gigs and stay in hotels together, they even went to a gig i wanted to go to, my partner did lie to me about where she was one time, so i did think my partner was cheating on me which added to my upset, she told me she wasnt cheating and i believe her as i trusted her so so completely.
Then helen told me liz was saying horrible things about me behind my back, that i was manipulative and full of drama, – which i am not, and this was so so cruel and not true. anyways… i tried to get the friendship back, but she was awful to me.. it hurt me so so much – it broke my heart really, and i stil dont really understand what happened, i have moved on and am doing well and getting strong, but it still comes into my head what happened and does upset me from time to time, all i want is a “sorry” and an explanation from my former friend- i think it would help me moving forward, but i dont think i will ever get it sadly. This person i thought was someone i could trust, had no compassion whatsoever in the end.
dont be tough on yourself, thats my advice, your friend must have her own issues to deal with and it is nothing personal, that is the only way to see it.
all the best
Laura
Hey…im wondering if anyone cud help me with this………im a girl and im recently having some troubles with my guy best friend. We both are the shy type n we started getting to know each other via chat about a year back. Ever since, we’ve been chatting a crazzyyy amount n honestly, it’s too much fun. We share everything n are really close. Few months back we started talking too (we’re in the same school and yes its a surprise it took us months to actually go talk to each other). But after these Christmas holidays, wen we met in school i had a little weird kind of a feeling. I kind of unconsciously avoid him in school….i have started to find him a little boring. But the funny part is this only happens wen we meet in person. I still enjoy chatting with him to the fullest. Now obviously this has led him to feel that this friendship is one sided…and that i dont really want him in my life as much as he wants me in his. He isn’t pressurising me with this thpught though. And I didn’t lie. I told him what exactly is happening but ii said i need to figure this out…i wanted to tell him that he still means everything to me n that this is just cus we’re meeting after long……. but i dont know if its false assurance that i wud be giving him. Please help me with this. I am not able to understand why I’m behaving this way. Thanks for reading.
Im sorry i forgot to mention….a similar thing had happened earlier too which only lasted for a few days….but i can tell this time it is more intense. Actually, most of the times it is he who starts a conversation, not me. Though on chat it’s all good and even, which is weird. I always want him to approach me, but i cant get myself to do the same. Maybe it’s because of my shy nature, thats what i chose to believe. But now, im not sure anymore. I just shared this part because maybe itll make u understand my situation better. Thanks again.
I have a friend that I have considered dear for many years. Frequently, she was there for me when no one else was. I always thought that we would be friends. Then about 2 years ago, she began to be very judgmental of various little things I would do (i.e. she scolded me for using Tide and not a natural soap when I gave her child some hand-me down clothes; she speaks out against my husband because he has different political and religious views; she became angry at me because I invited her over last New Year’s Ev, but then I fell ill–I didn’t cancel our plans, but I ended the evening early–I had a terrible cold and felt bad that I could not spend more time with her). She’s a stay at home/home schooling mom who takes her summers off; I am a full-time working/commuting parent, and she would never understand why I was so stressed. To be less stressed, I moved across the country (away from the State where she lives), so that I could afford to live closer to work and spend more time with my kids….Unfortunately, my friends mother became terminally ill right after I left; within a space of 4 months after my move, her mom died. I tried calling my friend many times; I left many, many messages offering her support and a listening ear. She never called me back. I had thought about traveling back to be with her and also attend the funeral, but when I asked about services, my friend simply ignored my messages. I sent flowers, and neither she nor her husband sent a message saying that they received the flowers. On Facebook my friend’s husband was posting his usual stuff; I contacted him via Facebook and asked if she was okay and if they had received the flowers. “yes…thank you for sending the flowers. We received them several days ago.” I have been spending so much time trying to reach my friend and she has basically ignored me. I understand that she’s hurting…and I gave her the space she wanted. But I’m sorry, I’m only human. After many unpleasant spats with her over the last 2 years, and her blunt criticisms of my good gestures (i.e. trying to spend holiday time with her and having her get mad because I wasn’t at my best–getting pissed because I used Tide on clothes that I had given her, etc.) this situation during her mom’s illness was just too hurtful for me. I deleted her and her husband from my FB page because it was too painful for me to see them posting random stuff online while choosing to ignore my attempts to reach out to my friend during her difficult time. I also have a lot on my plate; my mom’s has not passed away, but our relationship is strained and she has rejected me my whole life (I’m not exaggerating–I’ve had to limit contact with my mom because she just is not loving toward me). At any rate, I was emotionally (and physically) abandoned by both my parents as a child (and also sexually assaulted). I do not do well with abandonment and I have trust issues. Am I wrong to no longer want to trust my former friend after she shut me out during her mom’s illness? I just feel like she (or her husband) could have said, “We’ll get back to you when we’re ready–thanks for reaching out.” In stead, I worried about them, and he just continued to post crap on Facebook…That really hurt my feelings. I feel bad for my friend, but feel like I need to protect my own heart. I need my energy for the two kids I”m trying to raise. I feel guilty because I “unfriended them on FB.” But I did not know what else to do….
Hi Maya, hope you don’t mind a random person replying but I must say, I think you’ve been very patient with your friend. I would suggest it’s time to put this particular friendship behind you and move on….she sounds rather toxic, actually. Worrying about Tide on gifted clothes? Not being gracious when you’re ill? I imagine past issues with your mum haven’t helped you with knowing when to ‘lose’ people in your life, but this sounds like one of those times. Please find a new friend :-). All the very best.
Hineata,lol…:-)
Thanks Hineata….The relationship has been draining me for the past couple of years. It’s hard to let go of a friend who loves my kids as I love hers too…I need to open myself to new possibilities though. Be well everyone…
Death changes everything. I don’t know why. But it is that simple. The map changes. I hate it. <3
I have this friend whom I’m not really comfortable with. Although we do what normal best friends do. We hang a lot, chat, phone each other, exchange gifts, pictures, adventures, shopping, dates.. I know everything about her.. But she doesn’t completely know everything about me. And my gut keeps telling me that she’s not really my friend and I already prove that my gut was right. But I’ve been friends with her since high school. I cherish the time we had together but also I’m not that happy when we’re together those times. Things happen, friends come and go. I’m already tired of her.. It’s all about her all the time. and she didn’t even bother to ask what’s going on in my life.. I’m so tired of this friendship but I also look at the years we spend together.. But I think I should let go because I can’t lie to her anymore. I can’t have a forced conversation with her anymore. And I think it’s not healthy for me.. Please tell me how can I walk away without her being upset with me.. I really wanna stay out of this friendship..
Hi Athena,
I went through something insanely similar with a former best friend of mine, so I thought that I could offer my perspective. Here’s the thing – if you walk away, she will be upset, and there is no way around it. No one is going to take kindly to being dumped. So, if you want out of what sounds like a very long-term friendship, you are going have to be willing to accept that. Perhaps you could downgrade her to someone you only talk to once in a blue moon, only talking to her when you feel like it. Eventually, you both will get used to not talking as much, and this way there won’t be as much bad blood between you two. With that being said, have you ever tried talking to her (in a non-accusatory way) about how you feel? If not, I would try that before you end the friendship. Who knows? She may not have ever realized how self-centered she has been coming across. She could try to fix her flaw, and your friendship could benefit from you being honest. And if not, at least you can walk away from the friendship knowing that your differences just aren’t reconcilable.
I had a “best friend” growing up and we were tied at the hip. They called us “Mutt and Jeff” because I was small and short and she was big and tall. From 7th grade on we did everything together – trips, eating out, were roommates for awhile, went to parties, etc. We laughed a lot, and shared our lives. Then suddenly — boom, she was gone. I couldn’t figure it out.
At one point in my twenties, I had a failed marriage. And later…another failed marriage. But they failed (unfortunately, I was a “caretaker,” and chose people who had problems). She dropped me and would never talk to me. I kept asking her why she was not talking to me, why we never got together. She never answered.
A few years later, I moved out of town to a different state. I tried to reconnect, and I asked why she had not been in contact. She never replied.
Fast forward thirty years(!). She had gotten married and moved to another state, too. I contacted her and once again asked if she would tell me what had happened with our very close friendship. Truly, we were best friends.
And she told me. She said it was because she was jealous of me. I was stunned. I was not someone to be jealous of — I didn’t have a college degree then, I lived in small apartments, had a small gov’t. job as a typist — I didn’t have anything to envy. She told me it was because I had gotten married, and that she was always jealous of me because I was petite. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently, it was true because she said that she just couldn’t deal to be friends with me anymore.
Now that she is married (in her 50s), we still no longer talk. However, I did get some resolution when she admitted that. It never occurred to me that she’d be jealous because I had gotten married (even though it didn’t work), and that I was smaller than she. Apparently, those were the main reasons — just being around me made her angry and jealous.
So, I guess that sometimes we are the ones who didn’t create the break, but don’t get the friends for something we don’t even know we’re doing. I hope this is some consolation to some of you. This was my very best friend from when I was young and we did everything together. Jealousy was the last thing I would have thought of. Yet, decades later, I discovered that was the reason — and I still can’t comprehend, but I’ve obviously had to accept it.
I hope this helps someone here.
Thank you so much. This is my exact story to the T. Except I am 26, me and my ex best friend since 7th grade still don’t talk. I have tried reaching out. Only rumor has it between our mutual friends is that she didn’t like my boyfriend at the time. I know that isn’t true though because she stuck by my side through all the scum bags before him. Thanks for this post it has me wondering everyday why she cut me off with no explanation. I’m still hurt because she was like my sister. Thanks for your post
Sorry you went through that! Jealous because you were petite – that something I never ever thought I’d hear in my 50 plus years on this earth. I’ve always gotten grief for being very short (like I could control it) and thought that factored into why some people didn’t like me.
I was dumped by my best friend in 12th grade; we had been friends since 4th grade. She cut me out of her life. It stung & hurt me, but I never let on how much.
I gravitated to other friends, went on to earn a professional degree, married & have had a meaningful career. She moved away after high school, did clerical work & married young. Years later, I learned that she was jealous of my “college fund”. The only reason I had that is because my father died & his life insurance was saved for my education. Jealous of that??? She had both parents.
I can relate to your friend that was jealous. i dumped a friend shortly after high school because I was tired of being second best next to her. She was so popular and all the guys thought she was so pretty it got to the point i felt like if i kept hanging out with her I would be eternally single. I think I lacked confidence in myself and still do and it holds me back in life.
In reality if I had kept the friendship I would be better off today. Friendships made when you are young are the most true, I miss her but there is no way we would ever reconnect. even though I dumped her I was the one with the issues not her and today i am the loser in the situation not her. It is funny how time changes things. Today almost 25 years later she has many friends and I do not.
It is good that you know the value of a friendship. It is sad that people like her and I would cut people out because of jealousy. I think with females this happens a lot.
As awful as it sounds, it seems like she just doesn’t want to have you in her life, anymore. What I might advise, is can you at least ask her why? Or what you did to make her not want you around her? Real friends don’t just suddenly stop all contact with each other. Only users do that. Something has to have happened. Even if it’s all in her mind. I’m sure my family know me well, by now, and especially my mum. I think she knows something has gone awry, because that’s the only reason I’d ever stop talking to someone. If the person has done something to hurt my feelings, I suddenly DO stop talking to them. It’s natural. Why would I let anyone off, if they decide to screw me over? No-one is more special than anyone else. Better to know than sit wondering about it. Otherwise, you’re just going to stay in that vicious circle, trying to think what you did wrong, or why she isn’t in contact with you now. It’s far better to know. Even if you have to hear it from someone else who knows her. Wondering doesn’t work. Taking action does. Thinkers will never do better. It’s people who do things by actions, that work better. And, if I ever come face to face again, with the man who treat me like something to be manipulated [let’s face it, salesmen are good at lying], I will just ignore him, if I see him in the street. No good can come of it. He knows what he did to me, and said to me. It’s just awkward because we have a few friends in common. I won’t be attending his birthday party, after the way he treat me, when no-one else was in the room. I’m just disgusted with him. He’s getting no christmas card from me, either. And he isn’t the nice man I first thought. Think he’s got the hint by now. Past is the past. There’s only the future to think about. As people say “Don’t look back”. There’s people who deserve our attention a lot more, like the homeless, the abused, the humble. Ex-friends aren’t worth fretting over.
I’m afraid I’m one of those who’s cut myself off – from all friends post heart attack & triple bypass, including my son. I didn’t feel the same again. This was about 2.1/2 years ago & I’m still on the waiting list for group therapy, as it perturbed me grately at the r time. It took me 2 years to forgive all those I felt had wronged me but for all I knew, they probably didn’t know how I was feeling. Actually, I’m pretty sure that 4 to 5 individuals were aware but it may not be necessary to go into all the details. My quandry was it God’s intervention whilst I learn new things about his kingdom; psycholically was ot me
Continuing after errors…
greatly;
My quandary was, was it …;
Was it me, psychologically from still being in shock or did it all happen as I believed it had?
Dear Patricia,
As we age and go through many problems, I think it is natural to feel upset at other people, especially if we feel we were wronged. Forgiving is not easy. I have tried and reached out and forgave people, but they are still the same people.
At my older age now, it is harder to find friends, and I have a couple, but it’s not like being young anymore.
I have tried therapy, but the therapist had no suggestions other than join an activity group.
I have a daughter who is in her twenties and feels quite uncomfortable living here – she feels she needs to move to a different country where she lived before, so she will be returning there. Thus, I’m pretty solitary.
I don’t know what the answer is. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with things we have said or done. I know that I have become more sarcastic over the years through hurt. Someone finally called me on it, and on reflection I realized that I had become much more bitter over the years. Time and circumstances can do that to some of us.
Sometimes we are to blame, sometimes it’s even the place (I have found different places in the U.S. are easier to meet people, and other places are harder — each area has its own culture).
If you can find a good therapist (not always easy – feel free to change if you need to), and can get some of those unhappy feelings out, it could help. Being closer to God does not always bring friendships, but it helps during your recovery, I would guess.
In the meantime, I have started to spend my time writing, or starting a new business (very small, but it takes up time). I know that with my daughter moving to a country far away that I will be alone, so I am trying to mentally prepare.
It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment toward those you cut off — and I know many of us have felt that way toward others. People are not always the nicest things…
Good luck with your healing and I hope that you find some solace in that many of us have had confused and broken friendships.
i see that almost everyone did share their stories so here its mine..
i had a best friend for almost 7 years from now and we have gone through a lot of difficulties ..
we shared every moment we hanged up together long nights talking and chatting
but it comes that i do get in a relationship but still do keep up in touch with her
after a year or so she gets in a relation too..
with a guy from our class he is a nice guy and he gets on well with everyone and he is also best friends with the popular group in our class
still though…
we spent time together cause she couldnt let me staying alone
one time that we were in the lesson hour
such a missunderstanding did happen
all because of a word that i did say
she got upset even though i was upset with my bf at the moment i did apologize
she didnt accepted my apology and we have not been talking like for 3 or 4 months
because she said to my that
i defined your character because of the thing that u said so i am ruining our friendship
and i was shocked firstly
cause we did have other situations much more worse than this one and everything went ok
and i was like
it took u to listen to this word so you would understand the type of person that i am??
she got angry and our disscussion was left till here
and we didnt talk anymore …
tell me what should i do ?
is this normal ??
Well I feel SO much better after reading these comments. I know I am not alone. I have however, come the conclusion that women in general really suck at friendship. Doesn’t anyone value friendship anymore? Does anyone know the true meaning of friendship? I am going to start hanging out exclusively with the guys. Everyone needs learn how to treat others.
It’s easy to judge. It isn’t as cut & dried as that. May you be blessed in your friendships with men. I’m guessing you are still relatively young yet. This is not to be patronising but had you been much older, your response would have been completely different.
Hi, I want this to be anonymous
I’ve got a problem
I had a best friend, who I couldn’t deal with she used me and ditched me and got angry with me for the smallest things so I let us have space from eachother.
When we changed schools ironically we went to the same school and were put in the same class…
I made 2 lovely friends in which I was proud to calls best friends! They knew my story with this girl and I did 100% trust them to stick by my side!
Quite frantically this has changed as the time has gone on as I make new friends it seems to be, the girl that I had a bad history with gets awfully attached to them! And now I feel like I’m just in the middle feeling uncomfortable all the time, and I do try to say something but it never usually works! One of the girls I thought would never leave my side has done and is now FACETIMING the other girl 24/7 they do really love EACHOTHER and I do want to get in the way of it but I don’t find it fair how this girl gets what she wants.. Please help
Why are you still bothering with them, when you feel this way? It isn’t fair in yourself. At times, we just have to say to ourselves “Screw this”, and never go back. It’s making you feel nervous. Is anyone forcing you to be around them? Did you accidentally join a cult, where the leader tries to co-erce you into being best friends? Just wondering, because why else would you feel so obliged to tag along with them, when it’s making you uncomfortable? Nothing good will ever come of such a situation. If anyone is allowed to leave a group, why can’t YOU? I don’t think you know it’s your human right to be around who you want to be around. Or is it one of those dreaded regular meals out, where you all are part of an organisation, where you all pretend to like each other, and pretend to happy around each other, knowing fully well, you’d rather be elsewhere? Even if it’s a workplace hangout, tea it’s nice, but naive people, who seem to be hypnotised, trying to tell others who you communicate with, aren’t in the real world. However, seeing as it’s only down to your own choice, why not do what feels best? As long as you keep being a People-pleaser, you’ll only have yourself to blame. Just saying. You don’t want to be denying yourself what’s best for you. Being a yes person never solved anything. It only breeds resentment for yourself.
Sarah, Eloise is a high schooler, by the sound of it! So no, she quite possibly doesn’t realism yet that she can ditch this whole group. Eloise, gee, you remind me of why it’s great to be middle-aged, LOL! Seriously, school is very difficult to navigate without friends, but it will all be over much quicker than you think, and it sounds like it might be worthwhile taking the risk of dumping this entire small group of girls and trying to find another group. You could try different school clubs etc. Good luck with that 🙂
my bff and i were like soul mates. we did everything together and would text all day every day. i helped her through quite a number of low moments throughout the years (a significant break up and a depressive episode). we actually grew closer after that breakup. one day she started seeing this guy and dumped me like a sack of potatoes. i tried to ask her to bring him around but she would make excuses and excluded me. they have been going out for almost a year now and i have only met him once. she never talks to me anymore and our relationship has changed dramatically to the point where i too became depressed. i tried to explain to her how i felt and that i missed her but she does not seem to understand. she says we are still best friends but i do not feel close to her anymore and she no longer tells me anything about herself. i barely know her anymore. our encounters are awkward and forced now.
i am at a loss here and do not know if i have energy to even fight for our friendship anymore. she does not seem to be bothered by the distance between us at all.
I strongly dislke those types of friends that when they are in their low moments they are your bff but when things start looking up for them they act distant like they don’t know who you are. People like that have issues. Or when they get boyfriends or a husband they don’t have time for you.
Something is certainly going on here with me. I have an array of friends and they are all different from each other. But I have to say that I was the one that had to let a few friendships go. They all 3 felt the same–greedy. I love people and I’m also a writer performer–so I can listen fiercely, and loyal to the bone, a fool’s errand. Anyway, what is it that People just are not genuinely interested in OTHER people?! I find them fascinating, even the kooky ones, but REALLY you can’t ask me how I’m doing!! Can’t they hear themselves? I also had a very dear friend who moved away, but I realized that after 5 years she never read any of my stories. I understood that her first language wasn’t english-but still. I see a pattern here with me…I want new and equal freinds. Mutual respect, and a lot more laughs!
Hi! I have a best friend that I’m not really sure if she really is. But we hangout a lot. and Talk everyday.
My problem is, she always brags me about my clothes when we’re going out she wanted me to wear pants and she will wear shorts. She don’t allow me to wear clothes that I like. She will say she don’t want to get attention because of me. And I can’t be my true self around her! In concerts she also brags me when boys are asking for my number and rolled her eyes! Why do I feel like sometimes she’s my best friend and sometimes not?
When we talk she’s always talking about herself and her other friends. And when it’s time for me to talk she will cut me out and say “change topic” and start to talk about herself her crush and her other friends again. When she finally say “do you have anything to talk to?” and when I’m going to open my mouth she’ll interupt me again and say “oh well I guess no..” and start talking about herself and others again. I’m so confused about her and our friendship. please help me should I leave her? please I really appreciate your advice..
Hi Clarisse, your friends behavior as you describe it is extremely critical, controlling, self-centered and disrespectful. That is probably not healthy. If we feel uncomfortable a large percentage of the time we spend with someone, or if we always feel uncomfortable when we are in a common circumstance, like going out in public, that is not a good sign of a positive supportive relationship. Critical and controlling is the opposite of accepting and respectful. Friends should be mostly accepting and respectful, if not all. This type of person will wear away at your self-esteem.
it would be better to seek out friends who make you feel that your needs,thoughts feelings and plans are equal in importance to theirs. Friendship is a gift, and a privilege. Real friends know this, and act accordingly.
LOL, I just noticed the date. Silly me.
=^..^=
I have a friend when i first started living with a group of strangers other students. she was very supportive and listened to me we both told each other put problems and didn’t judge each other for them or our opinions we had a laugh as well things were great several months ago i told her i had a life long dream of going to paris when i wasn’t able to go to a high school trip. She clearly said that she could not afford it i understood that. I then tried to organise a day trip in the same country the british countryside, she initially said Ok and was rather excited as it leaded up but always said i don’t know whether i can i will ask my mom. Every time she asked her mom she came back to me saying no and that she can’t and it isn’t the right time for her. I am really stressed after exams and need to relax and go to the beach where it is quiet no cars and less people. I don’t understand whats going on i have offered her several options to go for 2 nights 1 night day trip etc. She has a busy week ahead of her next week family birthdays and fathers day i get that but why not go this week. She says her mom said it is too short notice since when is 7 days short notice i told her two weeks ago that i wanted to go. Can anyone help? i am very very confused.
You can come right out and ask her why. Some people simply like to stay close to home. It might have nothing to do with you but she feels anxiety about going away. Just adk her.
It’s very possible that she simply couldn’t afford to go. Just because your trip wasn’t to another country doesn’t mean it is inexpensive. Many people live paycheck to paycheck and simply don’t have the financial freedom to go on trips whenever they want to..even with an advance notice. (Btw, 7 days is not a long advance notice) Sometimes people need to have time in order to save for trips/vacations whether they be simple vacations or more elaborate.
a friend of mine (girl), we were set to date in a few months, she’s been through tough stuff and I was the one there for her. then all of a sudden she shut me out and we aren’t going to date anymore, she rarely will talk to me and we are very distant. what do I do
Hi,
My friend and I have only been friends for almost 2 years. I really consider her my best friend. I never really have any close friends since I move a lot. Every year when I change class, I’d get myself a new so-called close friend from that class. Somehow all of those friends became acquaintance after we change class again the following year.
This friend and I met last year when we were in the same class in sec school. Under the new system, we will be in same class for 2 years. She and I became close as we share the same sense of humour. We got some rough patches at first when she told me about her depression and self-harming. I didn’t believe her at first because I got some trust issue, so there was a time she was really on the verge because of me. I tried to solve that problem too. It seemed to work, but it was not until now that I noticed how much she changed after she came back from the mental hospital. The doctor said she would be ok if she takes her med.
When I first met her, she was this caring human being. One who was charming, sweet, had a great sense of humour. Everyone knew her. She was friendly and kind to everyone. I admired her for that, because I could not do the same. Trust issue. She never judged me for that, even though I’m extremely judgemental. Instead, she would try to understand me, as I try to do for her.
After she came back though, she seemed fine for a while ,with me I worrying about her. Still do. She used to have attacks and I try to be her support when she does. I was there throughout the process of her getting better. But as she get better, her attitude gets negative. She started to ditch us (group of friends) for her online friends. She would make plans and cancel it with some lame repeated excuses. She would tell me about her day, the stuff she’s watching, her cosplays… when we text, but when I get started on mine, she would not reply. She did not reply unless she was interested in the subject or was involved. When we talk, she talks a lot about herself, but when I said something that does not concern her, she would either gives me a ‘K’, or not listen, or cut me off by speaking in gibberish until I stop talking. Sometimes, she would command our mutual friends to go to her when I was talking to them. Just recently, she told me to “stop expecting people to care about you”. She got herself a new replacement for me too, one of our mutual friends. Now, when I talk when we go home, she would not talk to me unless I start the conversation. She would also say goodbye to me even though neither her subway nor mine have arrived, an go back to using her phone and ignore me. The most frustrating thing that I don’t want to say anything to trigger her because of the depression mentioned above. I’m going through some rough things at home myself, but whenever I want to share, she gives me a ‘K’ and goes back to her universe. I understand maybe my problems are not as serious as hers, but friends should sometimes listen right? (Coming from a person changing friends every year)
What should I do with her? Am I in the wrong? I know I should be understanding, but listening to someone else’s life 24/7 is tiring, and I have my own crap to deal with.
Thanks for your replies,that sure helps and now I have another friend ,a neighbor who has recently taken a flat in our building .She is of this nature ,that she only speaks about herself and her family in high regards but does not give me a chance to talk about mine in return
When I make an attempt to say something about my son or my work,she imemdiately switches the topic to irrelevant things .Also she keeps saying that she is very popular and has lots of friends ,her kids are the best ,her job is the best etc etc that I cannot take it more than a limit .
How should I deal with her
Thanks in advance
This person sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Conversation and friendship is a two-way street… it sounds like this person is trying to divert it to a one-way street. I’d avoid this person at all costs. A person who truly cares about you will be interested in what you think and what you say and want you to speak. If she is cutting you off and doing all the talking, she is only interested in an audience. This is a HUGE red flag and it doesn’t bode well for the friendship.
Kelly, I could be the very friend that you describe in your post. My mother died less than a year ago and I had a friend who attended the funeral. She is the kind of person who does what she thinks you want and would be quite hurt if you told her that this wasn’t what was needed. When I think about it, it was nice that she attended the funeral but it was a time that I wanted to bury my mother so her attendance wasn’t even on my radar, I had more important things to worry about. To have voiced my thoughts would have meant she would have been hurt and then it would have all have been about her, when it was supposed to be about my mother.
My most recent insensitive moment from her was an email a few weeks back she sent to a group of us saying she couldn’t attend a planned gathering as it was due to be held on mothers day, she signed off her email by saying “..not sure if that effects anyone else or just me?” My mother hasn’t been gone a year yet and this would have been the first mothers day without her. I would most probably say that out of all the people that received the email i would have been the one that would have been well aware what day mothers day was this year. Needleless to say out of the 8 people that received the email none of them felt able to reply directly to it, they were quite shocked by its tone. That email was sent over a month ago and the next communication from that person has been a “fancy a catch up” text. I haven’t engaged with that person since that email and there is apparently no realisation on her behalf that maybe her email was at best badly phrased. I have replied saying I’m busy but can talk on the phone, which apparently isn’t good enough for her!
It took something as important as my mother passing to realise that life is too short to put up with someone else’s (repeated) insensitivity. I feel emotional drained and don’t want to have to point out what she has done so now I am in the process of distancing myself so she wont have the opportunity to do it again. Maybe like you Kelly, she will eventually realise that she may have contributed to this distancing and maybe by the time she does I may be willing to try and rebuild the friendship, but I’m not holding out for this. She is not a horrible person but when you have a life changing event something you were willing to overlook before can soon become intolerable and you are not willing to suffer it any more. I have changed, maybe your friend has too, maybe you need to change if you want to get back your friendship?
She17 if you say your friend is repeatedly insensitive I’m sure that’s true, but I recognized absolutely none for the mother’s day scenario. It seemed your friend was stating something common to most people, that she’s busy on mother’s day, and asked the question if that affected everyone else because in a group of people it would likely affect more than her. She didn’t ask a whole group to reschedule for her own needs,or express upset that no one thought some people probably wouldn’t be able to make something on Mother’s Day if they have or are a mother.
Interesting post. I’m very sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. I’ve been reading posts on this blog and a lot of women write about being dumped by a friend without knowing why. They’ve been understandably hurt by this and their trust is shaken. The friend who dumped them never communicating the reason why. I agree that it’s often easier to just say you’re busy than to really talk with your friend about what’s bothering you. We often built up anger, disappointments and hurt feelings for years without ever letting the other person know what’s going on. We have our own reasons for this and feel justified in them. But I think if we’re really honest with ourselves, the real reason might be that we just don’t know how to communicate this. Also, telling someone they’ve hurt your feelings, shows a vulnerable side of us. And it’s not easy to be vulnerable. Your insensitive friend will never know why you dumped her. And if you want to pick up this friendship later on, she will not have changed. Instead, her trust in you will be broken and she’s right about that. You’ve harbored resentments for years and you’re inability to bring it up with her, has caused the friendship to end. Not your friend’s insensitivity. Now I wouldn’t recommend you just dump all your frustrations on your friend and call her insensitive. She will be very hurt and not know what to do with it. There are some books out there on how to have difficult conversations. I highly recommend you read one of them and hopefully you can open the conversation with this friend who must be a nice friend otherwise you wouldn’t have hung out with her for years and put up with her in-sensitivities. Sometimes it also helps to stand in the other person’s shoes. We all think that everyone should know how to treat us, be sensitive to us, and read our minds. It would be great if they could but in my experience most people have no clue they’ve offended someone. What if we give the other person the benefit of the doubt, they probably didn’t do it on purpose. If you start that difficult conversation, it might save the friendship and actually build a stronger friendship. Thanks again for your post.
I have been observing a certain pattern with my friend.She is in another country and we are pretty close.However I find her sometimes very close to me and sometimes so distant and aloof.There are periods when she constantly messages me to say that she misses me and she makes all sorts of programs when I visit her,so on and so forth.There are other times when she suddenly becomes aloof and when I message also her replies will be crisp,one word answers.
I am unable to come to terms with this kind of behaviour from her.What could be the reason and what should I do in this case
Waiting to have your comments
I have had a few friends who behaved inconsistently like your friend. While frustrating, you friend is probably preoccupied with something at times. Why not have a gentle conversation about this? Maybe mention that it’s a little uncomfortable for you and you are curious about what the reasons might be.
Another option is to accept this as a peculiarity of this friend, it sounds as if she does care about you.
Hi Sita,
Don’t forget about the international time table.Maybe when you WhatsApp her, message her,etc, it’s actually in the middle of the night where she lives, then she has to dash off to work/school the next day and so it takes time to get back to you. Don’t forget that ppl have busy lives. So stay cool and don’t read too much into it. Enjoy your friendship, and don’t forget about her timetable.
Best wishes to you.
Hey… I just came across this blog and I also have a problem
Seems like you can help
I have a best friend
.it’s been three years now
A guy from her college proposed her
I was perfectly OK with it.
I updated a status “best friends never propose each other but they feel sad when either of them gets commited.”
She thinks I am narrow minded.i am really sorry for everything.
I didn’t know she was gonna feel bad about it.
She took it seriously and thinks I miss possessive for her
She is not talking to me since then.
How is that can I clear the misunderstandings.
I apologised but she’s not ready to accept my apology.
Please help me.
Most friendships have disagreements and misunderstandings. If your friend is the type of friend who is quickly hot tempered, then you should wait for her to cool down. If she’s the type of friend who really was hurt by what you said, then you should take time to slowly let her realize that you were not throwing any dirt at her for your facebook status. What you said in your status is true, in my opinion, but it doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy for her, right? I think with some time, you two can make it up again, as it it just a misunderstanding and you meant no harm.
Your friend gets a marriage proposal and you say “I was perfectly OK with that.” OK, I’m sure your friend was pleased of your approval. Then the other comment I don’t know why you would post that on FB. To me that is a personal comment about them. I gotta say, I’d be upset with you too. If I misunderstood the latter, are you saying that if one of you gets involved in a relationship the other is sad? IMHO friends don’t get sad over something good that happens to them, your suppose to be happy for her/them. IF, I am misunderstanding you, I’m sorry, but that’s what I got out of what you wrote.
=^..^=
Hi…I came across this blog and wondered if there was anyone out
there I could get some opinions from and thanks. 🙂
My sister and I have been very close, like best friends, for
many years now (she’s 67 and I’m 60). We are both still working
professionals and reasonably intelligent people, so I thought…
I am married and she has been divorced for a long time.
Anyway, she spends time with her son and daughter and 2 grandchildren
in Arizona 2 times a year. This last Christmas, she went. I talked
to her before she left, and when she got home, I did not hear anything
from her the weekend after she arrived home. I thought it was strange
but gave her a few days, then called her. I said nothing about not
calling…I just asked her how her trip went. It turns out she met
someone to date there who lives in Hawaii. (we live in Illinois). We
talked for a bit, and she said she would call the next day, and she
did not. I waited…I just thought when she’s ready to talk, she will
call. Well, a MONTH later, my other sister who lives in town here
called her, and was astounded that she had not talked to me (I did not
say anything to my other sister about it). My sister that I hadn’t
heard from in a month told my other sister, ‘I hope she’s not mad.’
But she didn’t call to find out if I was or not! So a few weeks later,
it was valentine’s day and I sent her a card. Then about 4 days later
she called. She sounded kind of nervous when I first talked to her.
She said she wasn’t mad, but just that she was ‘spinning’ because of
the new relationship, in which they facetime every night. But here’s
the thing…she told my other sister that one weekend she spent time
with one of her friends and the next weekend, the other. I’m thinking…
if she has time to spend with friends, then why not a simple phone
call to me? Am I being too over sensitive?
When she was talking about the relationship, she said she didn’t want
me to tell anyone about it. Does that sound strange to anyone else or
is it just me? The whole thing to me seems weird..no contact all of a
sudden, not wanting me to say anything to anyone about it. She claims
they are in love, but how can that be…after knowing someone only
a few weeks…I told her I’m glad she found someone and fully supported
her, but after we hung up, I had a lingering intuition that something
doesn’t sound right. I don’t think it’s right to cut your family off,
or claim to be ‘in love’ after only a few weeks. My other sister asked
her why she hadn’t called for so long and she said she’s trying to
work through some things and work out some things.
My instincts tell me I’m being treated poorly by her now, and I’m
wondering if there is another opinion out there and some advice.
Is it just me or do I have reason to feel this way? To me, it
doesn’t make sense to cut someone off completely because you have
a boyfriend. Any opinions or suggestions?
Thanks. I really appreciate it!
She may not want others to know about the relationship because it’s new and might not work out. It adds pressure for more people to know and be asking.
Sister relationships ebb and flow, at least speaking for myself and my friends. I woudn’t worry so much. Just be you and call if you feel like it and it will probably pass. Family, can live with them, can’t live without them!
She also is probably not herself if she hasn’t been in a relationship in a while and she’s all wrapped up in it. It sounds like it’s taken over her life, which is what I see my single friends go through.
“can’t” live with them!
@ Laura
I wonder why she did not tell you about her boyfriend. Could it be because he is trying to distance her from her family so that he can control her?
Is the relationship 100% on line, or did she actually meet up with him in person in Arizona?
You and your other sister should talk to her in person and find out about the situation. It is strange because she now seems to be distancing herself from you for a man she only recently met. Also, how old is he? Sometimes I read of older women being defrauded by a boyfriend/con artist.
Or maybe I am being too suspicious. Maybe everything is OK. But at the very least, at her age, and given the speed of the relationship, she should check into his background.
Did her adult children in Arizona meet him? If so, what did they think of him? Have you contacted her children in Arizona? Or as I said earlier, maybe it’s a total on line relationship.
Yes, of course, it’s fine for an older lady to find a new boyfriend, but the thing is there is so much cover and secrecy over this situation. That is what is worrying for you. I hope that it all works out well.
Well to be honest My close friend stopped talking to me in Early October. Her Dad died of Cancer last year in January. Me and my Mutual friend did attend the funeral. I was trying so hard to be there for her but it’s not easy as i thought her Dad was a lovely man. We was planning on going on holiday then it got cancelled but i didn’t mean to take it personally. so i did apologise after as she didn’t feel up to it. Then i found out she went on holiday with another friend to the same place we were planning on going. That did hurt me but then i bit my tongue and asked her how her holiday went but she didn’t respond. So i asked her if i done anything wrong. Then she said the Holiday was fine and that’s it. Then i responded back after saying i’m glad you had a good time i like the pictures you put on Facebook then she put nothing. I was invited to her Dad’s charity and i was going to attend. Because she wasn’t talking to me. My Dad said to me just to ask her if she wanted me to do the bucket for the charity. So i asked her then. She said nothing. I said answer me please i know you’ve seen it. Then she sent me a message saying every time i talk to her i always start an argument which isn’t really the case. She kept misreading me. She said she had enough lets just leave it at that. So i didn’t go because i didn’t feel welcome. So i still donated to her Dad’s charity. Then me and my Dad did a letter to her to say sorry if i have upset her and i still think of her as a good friend. Then she didn’t talk to me very much after that. It happens to friends. Mine is that she’s still grieving and upset so that’s why she’s taking the anger out on me. That’s probably why she’s not talking to me. I have her on Facebook still. I can relate to what your saying. It’s not easy to be there for someone you care about and they stop talking to you. Sorry this is long