My friend says I’m following her around too much
A young teen is following her friend around school, annoying her in the process.
QUESTION
Hi,
I’m having problems at the moment with a really close friend. She has told me that I’m following her around at school. I try not to but for some reason I keep on sticking with her and I can’t stop!
Please help me I don’t know what to do. I have tried going with other people but I feel like I don’t have a close bond with them like I do with her!
Thanks. Jennifer
ANSWER
Hi Jennifer,
I’m glad you wrote to ask for advice.
Your friend has told you you’re following her around and you agree with her. I’m glad you can see that she’s right. Your friend seems like she cares enough about you to tell you following her is bothersome. That tells me she wants to try to preserve the relationship. If she didn’t, she would push you away and stop being your friend. You have an opportunity to salvage your relationship by respecting her wishes (boundaries).
You’ve said you tried to stop but can’t, which means you need some help. If you can talk to a school counselor, or talk to your parents about seeing a private therapist, you’ll be able to learn how to become stronger and more self-reliant as an individual. This is an investment which will help you not just in this friendship, but in all your relationships now and in the future, personally, academically and eventually professionally. You learn how to follow and stand strong in yourself.
Close bonds take time to develop. Most friendships start off slowly, sometimes as acquaintances and develop deeper over time. You’ve just got to be patient to allow this to happen. Having several trusting friends will keep you from relying too much on one person and burning out that relationship.
Good luck, Jennnifer. You can do this.
Signed, Amy Feld
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.
Category: Child and adolescent friendships
Jennifer, I’d say that you did good by trying to fix this problem within yourself rather than becoming defensive and angry that she told you you’re being clingy. This might not be an easy fix for you since you said you try but can’t. That does indicate a lack of social skills. I’m wondering how much time you have to follow her around. Do you have all the same classes? How much free time do you have during school? If you have, say lunch and one or two study periods where most people meetup and she says you follow her to much I’d take that as a bad sign in the friendship. Because if there aren’t many times to meet up during the day but when you do she says this, she may be trying to tell you something.
Maybe you can ask her when you two can meet up, so there is a designated time instead of you chasing her down. She may want some alone time or just have something she’d prefer to do alone. A guidance counselor is a good first step. Is there someplace you can sit by yourself? The library or something where you can read or something to occupy your time? Try to let her set the meet up time/place for awhile. Also don’t look for her after school unless she says “I’ll see you after school” do not make yourself the stalker. When she sees you as being independent and going on your way and not looking for her all the time she will lighten up. It will take some restraint on your part, but you also have to find your own thing so you don’t rely on her. It’s hard, I know. I’ve been there!
One of the things sorely lacking in education is “emotional education.” Your question shows an awareness and curiosity on how things work. Anytime we as human beings are in distress we have to discover why. The more we feret out what’s going on inside us and come to know we are all free agents on this blue orb floating in the vastness of the universe the more empowered we are to find the answers. The answers are always inside us. It’s not your friend that has the solution, it’s you. A sense of inner peace and Serenity are measuring tools to indicate your on the right path. You’re already asking questions which is an excellent thing. Keep being curious and discover the uniqueness of you. Each one of us has special unique talents and abilities. Discover yours!!!! Carpe diem!!!! All the best!!!
Ben – I agree with you. It seems as if Jennifer is suffering with some sort of insecurity – could it be for lack of closeness within her own family? Perhaps both parents work full time and spend little time with her, or perhaps she’s an only child – and only children are often lonely children. My parents both came from large families, 10 and 7 children (!) and didn’t see the loneliness I felt being an only child, as they’d never experienced it. Talking things over with a mature person, who have understanding of these things, might help – or reading books about the subject.