• Keeping Friends

Is my friend over-reacting?

September 23, 2012 | By | 4 Replies Continue Reading
Close friends should be able to talk about inadvertent hurts.

QUESTION

Hello,

My close friend and her ex-boyfriend broke up about two years ago. Her ex was friendly with another girl at the time, which caused tension in their relationship.

My boyfriend and her ex have been friends for a while and hang out together. One night, we happened to be out with her ex and his new girlfriend (the girl he was previously friends with) at a mutual friend’s birthday. I happened to be in a group photo the birthday boy posted to Facebook and now my friend feels I betrayed her for being there.

My friend claims to be in love with her new boyfriend, plus, it has been almost three years since she has been with her ex. Did I do something wrong? I don’t even talk to her ex or his girlfriend. We just happened to be friends with the same person.

She claims I brought back the pain and it’s my fault. Did I betray or is she over reacting?

Signed, Kim

ANSWER

Hi Kim,

You had no way of knowing you would wind up at the same birthday party as your friend’s ex. Moreover, I don’t think you would be acting inappropriately if you attended a friend’s birthday party, knowing your friend’s ex would be there.

Perhaps, your friend was annoyed because you didn’t tell her about it and she found out about it on Facebook. If this is the case, you can apologize for that. On the other hand, had you told her, she still might have still been upset with you being there.

Yes, your friend was over-reacting and this wasn’t a betrayal. Close friends should be able to talk about inadvertent hurts like this one and get over them if the relationship is strong.

Explain your side of the story to your friend the way you did here. It sounds like she still has strong feelings for her ex that she hasn’t gotten over. Hopefully, she’ll be able to separate those feelings from her upset with you if you both speak openly.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

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Category: Communication

Comments (4)

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  1. anonymous says:

    I have a very annoying friend who suddenly just get mad for like no reason and she blames us for her family problem. she’s quite the annoying type who just laughs even though its not funny and makes fun of everyone like she doesn’t have the flaw herself. when she gets mad she holds grudges quietly. that’s why I don’t like her in the first place but why does she keep on sticking to me. I mean I hate her.

    • LaTrice says:

      I think it’s to talk to your friend, and tell her how you feel. This will give you the opportunity to address her behavior, and hopefully, she can change her attitude for the better. If not, you need to end the friendship.

      You saying how much you hate her says a lot about her actions, so I don’t know much longer you can take.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I had a best friend since 9th grade thats 16 years of “friendship” all my friends around me have advised me how can u be friends with her she is ao fake, so stuck up bla bla bla but never listened and kept my friendship bcs she was fun n nice with me all of the sudden thru out the years she has gotten mad and just cut the friendship off with no explanations then we will talk again after months of no talking like nathing happened. now that we have fb she got mad bcs I made some comments on a pic of a guy and stopped talking and bocked me from fb for like 10 months until she called and said how r u and pick the realtionship up then I told her if u get mad u can’t just cut off people without talking to them. she was like ok. We started our friendship again my mom, sister n other friends they were like how can u b her friend? how can u forgive her? now in march dont know what happened or what made her tick she wont talk to me again uurgh! i have called her manytimes to ask why she is ignoring me or what did I do to make her mad? she said I was mad at u but not anymore later when we will have lunch n tell u about it! like what! still waiting for the lunch! have invited her for margaritas so we can talk doesnt reapond! so I gave up! didn’t realize her pattern until now that I’m 30 just noticed that she is crazy and doesnt care about our friendship. Recetly she called to meet so I can return a purse told her the dates I got available and said she was gonna call me back but has been almost two weeks n no response n by then she has blocked me of fb with no reason of why she shuts me off! Too tired n hurt!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Two years ago my college roommate, and one of my closest friends, suddenly stopped returning my calls. She sent a package to my then two year old child for her birthday that was only addressed to her (something she had not done before).

    I made several attempts to reach out to her, leaving voice mails, calling and speaking to her husband because she would not come to the phone (he was just as baffled as I was), even sending her a letter to apologize if I had done something to offend although I could not figure out what it was.

    Six months passed and one day I received a rude text message from her that was even more confusing. She stated that there was no nice way to put it, but that she and her husband decided they did not need my drama. As I had not spoken or sent her a text message in several months, and only sent her one letter I was confused. The next day she sent me a series of text messages that were very vulgar and insulting, again the messages came out of the blue and I felt were completely out of line. Since that time I have made no attempts to contact her by phone, text messages, or mail. We live in different cities so we do not see each other.

    Still, I wish I knew what caused her to feel the way she did. And why she refused to tell me what the problem was, she even stated that she never read my letter but threw it away. I suspect that her anger was not about me, but something else going on in her life. However, I miss my friend, and wish there was a way I could get her to talk to me about what was bothering her, and for me to let her know how much her comments about my daughter and I hurt me.

    What are some ways to reach out to another person who is shut down that will allow the defensive walls to come down?

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