• Resolving Problems

My friend makes jabs about my weight

Published: October 21, 2012 | Last Updated: August 9, 2015 By | 7 Replies Continue Reading
It can get uncomfortable when someone tries to police another person’s weight and food intake. 


Dear Irene,

My friend had been making jabs about my weight for months. Two years ago, I lost 40 pounds and then put it all back on. She began by telling me I eat horribly. To which I replied: You have to stop monitoring my food intake. Not only do you do this to me but you talk about other people with comments like “Did you see what he ate? It’s no wonder he is fat”.  

After that we had a six-hour discussion with her telling me everything she doesn’t like about me. I thought it was all settled only to have her cancel a visit to my house scheduled for the next week.

Now I don’t want to go to group events where we both will be because it will make everyone feel awkward. This group all knows how she is and wants us to continue coming to these group events but…

1) I don’t want to see her.

2) I don’t want to make everyone else uncomfortable.

Should I go and face the music as others have suggested, or give it more time until there is some distance before we
“face off” again?

Thanks. Lisa


Dear Lisa,

If your friend’s comments about your weight and diet stemmed from genuine concerns for your health and well-being, she wouldn’t have launched into a litany of other complaints. It sounds like she is a frenemy, who is ambivalent, if not openly hostile, about your friendship.

No one, especially someone who has just put on weight, likes to have her/his food intake policed by someone else so I can understand your being upset with her behavior. But if you can’t communicate with a friend over disagreements without her getting even more riled up, this doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

You absolutely shouldn’t “face off” again. You’ve aired your concerns (for six hours!) and it seems like the ball is in her court to reflect on what she has done/said and apologize. Just a pointer for next time (if you are arguing with her or someone else), you probably should stick to how she treats you (rather than bringing in other people) when you have a heated discussion like this, and not have let it gone on for so long.

Don’t punish yourself for what happened by removing yourself from the group. Act cordially to your friend when you see her, don’t engage in any further arguments, and resist the urge to badmouth her to others. While some friends may sense that the two of you aren’t as close as you once were, it would be far more uncomfortable for them to have you drop out of the group.

Hope this helps!

Best, Irene

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Category: Disappointing friends

Comments (7)

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  1. connie says:

    I’m sorry about the 6hr ordeal! You need to continue hanging out with your common friends. You don’t need to lose more friends. I agree with the comment above that you need to refrain yourself to saying anything about the friend you had a conflict with. If they bug you with it, just tell them “I don’t want to make the issue any bigger, so let’s not talk about it.”

  2. Anonymous says:

    I know, that’s a long time.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Yes, indeed it was six hours and I intentionally did not bring up many, many things to salvage the group connection and the confidences given to me. But, yes. She has many “issues” and it was very hard to sit through this bashing without lashing back. I know it would only ratchet up the underhand back stabbing she does. Incidentally, a neighbor of hers wrote a scathing 4 page letter to her and put on her door. She let me read the letter about how all the other soccer moms felt the same way about her.. Basically everything they said I agreed with them, but am way too kind to point them out to her. Also, I was done with her control, manipulation, lying and drunkenness way before this six hour event. Maybe she did me a favor.

  4. Elle says:

    I’m hoping the “6-hour” bashing was an exaggeration. I’ve taken a lot of crud from ex-friends who would bash me, but if it were for 6 hours I would surely snap. I hope Lisa surrounds herself with some positive friends and people or finds someone that she can confide in.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’m confused. Lisa said her so-called friend criticized her for 6 hours and then it was all settled. Does this mean Lisa just sat there and allowed herself to be bashed for 6 hours or did she contribute to the 6-hour “discussion”? I agree it’s not just about weight. I would never “settle” anything with someone who bashed me for hours. I would give that person the heave-ho.

  6. Elle says:

    I don’t know if this is entirely about Lisa’s weight. The “friend” might be using the weight issue, but it seems like there is more to the story. If the “friend” is truly overly- concerned, there is a nicer way to put it. After reading this though, “…we had a six-hour discussion with her telling me everything she doesn’t like about me. I thought it was all settled only to have her cancel a visit to my house scheduled for the next week ” it seems like the “Friend” either had some built up resentment and just lashed out or something. Again, it has to do with more than just weight. I think Lisa and the “friend” should both cool off for now and avoid each other. I also agree with the previous response and Lisa should find new friends who are supportive of her and lift her up, instead of lashing out and bringing her down.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Lisa said that the six-hour “discussion” was her “friend” listing her complaints about Lisa. I gather Lisa was not airing her complaints about her “friend.” It sounds like a six-hour trial. Also, I didn’t get the idea that Lisa and the “friend” had other people in on the six-hour trial. So I don’t know if Lisa “dragged in other people.” I would like for Lisa to be given advice on how she can maturely and effectively defend herself to this horrible “friend” who belittles her about her weight. Lisa, hang in there. You deserve better treatment than this. And even if your “friend” was commenting on your weight because she was concerned about your health, I am certain there are things about her that are not healthy that you could comment on, for six hours, if you were inclined. I hope you find other friends, friends who support you rather than tear you down. This “friend” sounds like she has huge issues with weight in general, and it’s not just all about you. Otherwise why would she constantly pick on other people who have pounds to lose? Some people are just obsessed with weight, their own and others. It’s sad.

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