My friend is lying about her friendship with my ex-boyfriend
A woman discovers her friend is lying about her friendship with her ex.
QUESTION
Dear Friendship Doctor,
My boyfriend broke up with me but one of my friends is still friends with him. She denies it but it’s obvious from Facebook that she is. I found out she’s been telling him things about me and yet she won’t tell me what’s going on with him.
He won’t speak to me. She wants me to forget about him and move on. I think she’s being very disloyal and if the tables were turned I wouldn’t speak to her ex. I don’t know if I should throw away several years of friendship or just ignore their “secret” friendship.
Signed, Barbara
ANSWER
Hi Barbara,
A good friend would realize you are still hurting from this breakup and be more sensitive to your feelings.
If she has been friends with both you and your ex, I’m sure she feels as if she’s in an awkward position. Even if she decides to remain friends with him—just as she isn’t telling you what’s going on with him, she shouldn’t be telling him what’s going on with you.
Her lying about her relationship with him and passing on information in one direction are red flags that should make you question this friendship. I would understand how this feels like a betrayal.
My suggestions:
- Take your ex at his word, that the relationship is over, and back off from following him on Facebook. You’ll heal more quickly.
- Confront your friend about lying to you, listen to what she has to say, and see if she has any reasonable explanation.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Category: Secrets & lies
Recently I stumbled across your blog entry and it has made me think. I can understand that you are unsure how to deal with your friend.
Considering the fact that she has been telling your former boyfriend things about you, it is obvious that she didn’t act like a real friend.
I entirely disagree your “friends’ advice” to forget about him and move on. It is understandable that it is not that simple for you. At first you have to process what happened and only after that you can move on.
My suggestion is that you talk to your friend and tell her honestly what this “secret- friendship” means to you. Maybe she doesn’t even know that she is hurting you to such an extend. Communication always helps. Perhaps you would also understand her better and you would find to get a solution. A good friend will listen to you and understand your point of view. If she doesn’t want to change her behaviour at least partly, she isn’t such a good friend as you thought.
Recently I stumbled across your blog entry and it has made me think. I can understand that you are unsure how to deal with your friend.
Considering the fact that she has been telling your erstwhile boyfriend things about you, it is obvious that she didn’t act like a real friend.
I entirely disagree your “friends’ advice” to forget about him and move on. It is understandable that it is not that simple for you. At first you have to process what happened and only after that you can move on.
My suggestion is that you talk to your friend and tell her truly what this “secret- friendship” means to you. Maybe she doesn’t even know that she is hurting you to such an extend. Communication always helps. Perhaps you would also understand her better and you will find a solution. A good friend will listen to you and understand your point of view. If she doesn’t want to change her behaviour at least partly, she isn’t such a good friend as you thought.
Those are some GIANT red flags, but your friend is right about forgetting the ex and moving on. It looks like she has chosen him over you. I think you should move on and forget them both — she clearly only has her own interests in mind, not yours.
Hi Barbara. She’s not your friend. I think you’ll recover best to get both of them off your social media and out of your life. Best wishes.
This is no friend. I don’t agree that it is controlling to want some support. This is not a case of forcing someone to choose, it is far more than that. If it about lying – then you have a so called friend with no integrity. I would confront and move on.
Your friend is allowed to be friends with whomever she wants. Before blaming here I would ask myself if I have created an environment which invited her honesty, or if she might have thought I’d ask her to chose between her friendship with me and with my ex. Only you know the answer to that. If you’re going to have a loyalty litmus test, you might come out the loser because of enmeshed boundaries and rules you have for your relationship. If someone put me in a position of choosing between her and another person, I would not go with the person who asked me to choose, whether the asking was directly or indirectly, because the act of asking is controlling and unhealthy.
It sounds like she may want to be his next girlfriend.
Hi Barbara, this is a sure sign that she knows nothing about loyalty. I can see if she kept him on her friend list, but, to talk about you to him but not the other way around is a sign you might want to distance yourself from both of them. Irene is right, remove him from your friend list. I don’t know if the length of time you know either of them is relevant here(just my opinion) because if a friend is LOYAL time should play no part. We live in a world where loyalty is last on people’s list, among other things. You deserve a friend who doesn’t play both sides of the fence. I always say go with your gut instincts, nobody knows better than you, what you need to do, However, we second guess ourselves and give others the benefit of the doubt, when they do not give your feelings a second thought. If they did, they wouldn’t do this, to begin with. Look for a better friend, she is not it. Best to you.