My friend discovered I lied to her
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I’m 37 years old but when I was 18, my best friend and I met
this friendly guy whom we both liked, but he liked me more. He and I kept our
relationship quiet for a while but at a party, my best friend saw us together.
She and I didn’t speak about it for a few months; I was busy in love.
Two years later, we spoke again as if nothing ever happened. She
never asked about my boyfriend again and moved out of state. When he and I got
married, she congratulated me through a nice card. She stayed her distance, and
we spoke less and less through the years. I would hear that she had come to town
but she never let me know she was here.
I, on the other hand, missed her more each year. She and I
connected again through Facebook and share photos of our kids but when she’s
flying into town to visit her family and I ask her to get together for a drink
or dinner she gives me excuses.
What can I say or do to ease that pain? Did I ruin our
friendship? Years ago, I did give her an apology for how it all happened.
Signed, Meaghan
ANSWER
Hi Meaghan,
You probably shouldn’t have hidden this relationship from your
friend at the time but there may have been extenuating circumstances. Now,
nearly twenty years later, you and your friend are both married mothers. It
seems like too much time has passed for you to still feel guilty over a youthful
indiscretion like this one.
At present, you have a superficial relationship with this old
friend, keeping in touch via Facebook but not getting any closer. If you want
to strengthen this friendship, you could try writing to your friend, asking her,
in advance, if she is interested in making plans to get together next time she
is in town.
If she responds, you’ll know whether or not you can become
closer. If she doesn’t, my suggestion would be to forget this relationship. For
reasons totally unrelated to what happened years ago, she may not feel the same
need as you do to become close again.
Best, Irene
Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that discuss legacy
friendships:
- Legacy
Friends: Keeping old friendship alive - Is
my childhood friendship worth saving? - My best
friend exhausts me - RX
for longer-lasting friendships
Category: Uncategorized
Hi, everyone I just wanted to say I have a similar situation in a way. Well it all began when my friends found out I was lying to them about my grades, test scores or whatever. I was just ashamed of it and I would lie about it constantly. Eventually, my friends found out about me lying about it and they were all really upset and hurt by it. By friends I mean about 6 other friends in my group. I have fixed my friendship with most of the friends in my group except one. This one girl in my group used to be super close to me, but now she feels as though she can’t trust me anymore. We used to walk to classes everyday and now we just don’t. I miss her company a lot and I want our friendship to get better but it doesn’t feel like it is going anywhere. I’m constantly trying to make things better and reach out, but I’m so tired. I really do miss her a lot and I want to be close with her again but it’s draining all the energy out of me. Now if we do hang out it feels awkward or if there is some tension. I just wish things will go back to normal. I’m trying so hard to build back the trust but maybe she just doesn’t care anymore like I thought she did.
Can you try and not be cornered alone with her? Or say directly, if she does, “That you can complain to me about one thing today, that’s it. After that, you’ll need to keep it for your therapist.”
Hi, First, both my sons are best buds with her two boys. Having said that, we have vacationed together, carpooled, happy-houred etc…playdates galore. Now-she is going through a divorce–he is leaving her- and every.single.time she can corner me alone she DUMPS the latest on me–when I have not even asked for it. This is the 3rd in a series of dramas in her life that I have found myself enduring. There is in-fighting in her huge family, mental illness with one of her siblings….etc. I am a good listener– I am a good friend–but I am beginning to resent all the DUMPING. Am I being a bad friend? I dont have the heart to say ” XXX I can’t talk about this now, maybe another time….”. Any advice??? BTW she does this to 3 or 4 other people as well AND she has a therapist!!!! Thanks, Frustrated in LA, Ca.