• Resolving Problems

Moves: When the road to a friend’s house is one-way

August 22, 2015 | By | 10 Replies Continue Reading

one-way

After she moves, her friend never comes to visit at her new house.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My BFF of 12 years can’t seem to make an effort to come see me in my new house, which is two hours away. However, her husband comes up to this area and drives right by my exit.

Her daughter was away at camp and she could have come up with her hubby, but she didn’t even think of it. I always go out of my way to see her when I can, or if I go down to that area. Should I feel slighted? Because I do.

Signed, Rachel

ANSWER

Hi Rachel,

You need to ask your friend what’s holding her back from visiting you at your place or you will continue to feel resentful. Friendships are far more satisfying when they are reciprocal, with give and take on both sides. If one person always feels on the giving end, the friendship can wear thin pretty quickly.

  • Could your friend feel hurt because you “left her” by moving away?
  • Could she be jealous of your move for any reason?
  • Or, could there be other things going on with her that have nothing to do with you?

Give your BFF a call and invite her to come talk the next time it’s convenient for her to visit when her husband is in the area. Tell her that the friendship is important to you and it doesn’t feel right for you to always be the one traveling to her.

Moves sometimes entails renegotiating the logistics of a friendship.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene


Several previous posts on The Friendship Blog on Moves and Friendship that may be worth reading:

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Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS

Comments (10)

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  1. Patricia says:

    Rachel,

    Everyone is seeming to go into their own issues instead of addressing your issue. No where in your post had it mentioned if you had “invited” her over? Has she done a house visit yet? Before anybody can offer you sound advice, I think these things should be covered.

    I have a friend that has moved 45mins away – I initiated the first visit for a house visit and gave her a gift certificate to a store she enjoys shopping at along with a beautiful arrangement of flowers for her. After this visit, I have been invited to birthday parties and get together’s which I had participated in. However I have never been invited for just a family visit on my own and I would wait for an invite. I will not call and say I am coming to visit without my friend initiating the visit.

    However, I do agree with you on one point. If she or her husband is in the area, they could do a drop by to say hello. However, if they did not, it could only be because they where on a tight schedule.
    Hope this helps.

  2. DJ says:

    Rachel, I was wondering do you make a special effort to travel back to your old area just to visit this friend or do this as part of seeing a few people, for example, you have relatives and other friends in the area?

  3. DJ says:

    If you’ve talked to her or after you’ve talked to her it doesn’t change then concentrate on making new friends in your new area.

  4. Maddie says:

    A four hour round trip is not easy to make when we have busy lives. Nor is an over nighter. I think when one party moves two hours away, sadly friendships change.

  5. Dionne says:

    I can see different possibilities here. A two-hour drive each way is a pretty long trip to me. She may just figure you’re the one who moved away and you’ll be returning regularly anyway so that’s good enough. Heck, I have a kid I do that with! (He likes it here better, though)

    Also, it always seems strange to me when someone complains that they’re not being treated fairly when they are the one doing all the visiting. It seems to me that hosting is FAR more work than being the guest. When I have someone over, it’s often two days of preparation between cleaning, cooking, and shopping. So for them to say I was not putting myself out as much as they were, well I don’t see that at all…

    But if she is a close friend and it is after all, your NEW house, it seems she’d want to at least come see it once, to show that your life matters to her.

    How long have you lived in it? DO you think your life matters much to her? Also, do you invite her to spend the night, or expect her to spend more hours in the car than she spends visiting?

    And of course it could be that she’s jealous. But then I’m not sure that’s a good friend, if that’s it. A friend is supposed to be happy when your life takes a good turn. The ones who aren’t, that would seem rather toxic to me. Good luck.

  6. Pam says:

    A close friend invited me 3 weeks in advance of a major holiday. She said for a meal on a certain day and had room for one more. I am a divorced mom and still was not sure which of my adult kids would be spending the time with me. She kind of implied she knew it might be “problematic” for me. Firstly,she and her husband are very hospitable and generous, have a big place and could accomodate me and a few kids if need be. They seemed to be looking for the last guest to fill their table. I said thanks, that over the years we’ve had to make many adjustments due to changing dynamics and logistics. Sometimes even at the last minute I got a married kid’s home or we just drum up something very informal. Seems very hard for her to accept that I am not the same way I was years ago when I was a married stay at home mom who could make all the plans and holiday goodies. Now I work outside,deal with a myriad of issues all by myself, then have to do all the meal planning,shopping.We’ve created some new customs and are alot more laid back and flexible if someone wants to bring along a friend etc. Or we’re jsut as happy to hang loose together.Still, mostly falls on me as adult kids, not all of whom live here, only give limited input and cooperation.A differnt divorced woman friend kept backing out of arrangements (including last minute cancellation fo a major holiday meal!).For a year she was scarce – had some relationship, called me after the break up.We agreed to meet- i spent an hour gettign there- saw me for ten minutes then “had to go”.Haven’t heard from her since(3 months!) Another one wants to do things with me I am not comfortable at all with- come over ,watch a movie, drink wine,relax- maybe I’d do so with a man but too “intimate” with a woman freind.

  7. Lisa Ledig says:

    Hi Rachel,

    I am sorry you are dealing with this. I want you to know it is not your fault. It seems you have done and been a friend to this person but have not gotten the same courtesy and respect back that a friend deserves. I have been in your place and I am outspoken and I always ask after several attempts of inviting people over and they always say yes and never come through, even when plans are made. I had one friend who when invited would say oh sounds great sure, then an hour before she was to arrive texts and says sorry something came up can we reschedule? I was upset because I asked is everything ok? Hoping nothing had happened to her mother, children, husband etc. Oh yes, all is good she would say, and offer nothing else. After every invite and never coming over, but in the meantime after I invited her she made plans to have a get together at her house and invited me. I went because I was a friend to her. I finally said why do you not want to come to my house? I invite you always and you always have an excuse. She said no I don’t, I want to come to your house let’s plan something. I bought her a Xmas gift because she was having a Christmas party, and it was in a beautiful bag, it was an ornament from Dillards. She took the bag and threw it on the table in another room never said thank you and from that point on I realized this is not the type of person I want to be friends with, she really had bad karma but I always give benefit of the doubt. A mutual friend had said to me she is jealous of you, because you built a house bigger than hers, all she talks about is what you have. I said first of all, I met her after we built out house, and she drives a brand new Mercedes, I am not jealous of her. Some people no matter what they have are bot happy, and I think this person has a bit of jealousy in her or resentment of some kind. I have moved on and am no longer friends with this person and truthfully my like is so much better. I have no stress and no more stomach pains 🙂 I wish you the best but, remember, this is not anything you did. This is a flaw within her. Think good thoughts, it alleviates the negative ones.

  8. Laura says:

    Two hours is not far at all. There’s something else going in. I agree with the previous poster that they could meet halfway. I do that all the time with friends that aren’t nearby.

  9. Ben says:

    The author of this blog gave a good response as well as DJ. I want to offer simply another perspective based on my own experience…..

    When I am friends with someone I want to spend time with them. I want to be there for them when they need someone. I want to share their happiness and their sorrows. I also like to be upfront with them about things that bother me.

    I think most people get to a stage in their life when they start to question a whole lot of things that just don’t work anymore. In doing so there is a period of adjustment.

    I’ve been where you are at (even if it is a different situation.) I offer this perspective to communicate that there may be nothing wrong with you in this. Maybe someone who you thought was a friend just is not. Maybe they are. Maybe this is an opportunity to reassess people you thought were friends.

  10. DJ says:

    I tend to deal with such situations by firstly issuing invitations to test if the friend just needs to be invited. But if I’m fobbed off several times I then have the conversation asking why they don’t reciprocate advising I’d really love to have them visit. Then if that’s not helpful then have the conversation about how I feel about that. But it can be really hard when the friend doesn’t want to make the effort to reciprocate as despite our best intentions resentment does happen.

    Could you also suggest meeting at a half way point picking somewhere that is easy for both of you to get to and is fun. Then you won’t have to make the effort to travel all the way to her place and gets her to put in some effort as well.

    Good luck with it all. Not an easy situation.

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