• Other Friendship Advice

Moved in with my boyfriend and lost my girlfriends

January 22, 2015 | By | 3 Replies Continue Reading
A divorcee’s friends step away after she moved in with a boyfriend

QUESTION

Hi,

I’m 46 years old and have been divorced for 11 years. For the past eight years, I was single and dating.

I recently started a relationship and my boyfriend, who just moved in with me. I have never ignored my friends, but they have pulled back from me and two even stopped talking to me altogether. I know I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m feeling like they are jealous and or weren’t friends to begin with.

They were fine while I was single and now that I am with someone full time they stay away. What should I do??

Signed, Maya

ANSWER

Hi Maya,

You need to talk to each of these friends individually and find out what’s happened. One or both friends may be jealous but there can be other explanations. For example:

  • They may be worried that the move happened very quickly—especially from their vantage points.
  • They may assume that now that you’re living with your boyfriend, you want to spend less time with them and more time with him.
  • They may feel like since you are in a relationship, you no longer want to do the same things they would like to do as singles.

When major changes like this one take place in our lives or the lives of our friends, it often requires some adjustment, on both sides of the friendship equation. Before you jump to conclusions and make assumptions of your own, let your girlfriends know that you still value these friendships and want to carve out time to spend with them.

Additionally, if they don’t already know your boyfriend, you can create opportunities for them to meet and spend time with both of you together, perhaps at your home or at a relaxing meal at a restaurant.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

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Category: Husbands, boyfriends, and friendship

Comments (3)

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  1. Sabrinna says:

    Hi.
    I’ve been on the opposite side of this equation. A good friend paired up with a very unlikely man. Overnight the friendship changed. Every time I tried to make arrangements to see her, she would automatically assume he was invited. When I said something she assumed I was jealous. Actually, I found him offensive to the point I wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t fit in with anyone I knew. I tried talking to her about this, and I tried to be as tactful as possible. Again, she played the jealousy card at me. That assumption could not have been further from the truth. I was worried about her because no-one in our friendship circle could even remotely tolerate him, let alone like him. Our friendship got downgraded to acquaintance. It’s now 12 years later and our friendship is strong again. She married him, had 2 kids and got divorced. Turns out, we were both ‘right’, so to speak. She’s told me she settled for a man who could offer marriage, mortgage and kids because she didn’t think she could do any better and had a low opinion of her desirability. He was abusive and now she’s a solo mum to two autistic boys. However, she loves her two boys and would do it all again to have them in her life.

    My concerns for well-being were real and valid and had nothing to do with jealousy. My advice; talk to your friends when you’re able to face hearing things you may not want to hear. It’s possible they’re seeing something you’re not. Jealousy is highly unlikely from a whole group.

  2. Amy F says:

    Dione has very good points in addition to Irene’s. When I’ve had friends begin living with their significant other, or married, I just assume their availability to socialize has changed. I want to respect their boundaries. Why don’t you start having one or two friends over for dinner or to watch a ball game, that way your friends will have an opportunity to see you and your SO in your new environment (new because another person changes the dynamics of a home) and they will know they are still welcome through your actions, even if you’ve already told them with words.

  3. Dionne says:

    Well, I know that often when someone gets divorced they find they no longer have as much in common with their married friends and they may find single friends to hang out with more instead. If all of your girlfriends are single, I wonder if you have switched between married and single friends yourself, depending on your situation at the time. (I’m counting living together in with the marrieds, let’s just say “coupled up.”) It may not be a case of jealousy as much as just not having the same interests and pastimes as much. Do you ever go out with them or do things with them like in the “old days” or is your boyfriend always present now? Because that can change the whole dynamic. Also, do they not like your boyfriend for some reason?

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