Middle school friendships can be trying

A young woman finds that middle school friendships can be confusing and frustrating.

QUESTION

Hi,

My name is Chelsea and I am in my last year of middle school. Only this year, I finally found friends after switching to public school after 7th grade.

My problem: I have this group of friends who I thought were my friends, especially my so-called “best friend.’ But turns out I am actually not her best friend…well I am only one of her best friends. That doesn’t really matter
though.

I had another very close friend outside of the group that I was there for her no matter what and when she lost her friendship group, I introduced her to my friends and now she has become my old best friend’s best friend, well one of them at least.

Now my old best friend has kicked me out of the group because I admitted that I was hurt when she came into the classroom the other day and asked where her best friend was. I said I was there but she said, “No, not you, I’m looking for…(and she said the name of the new girl in our group). That hurt so much especially after finding out that they were best friends after two weeks and completely kicked me out of the group.

She said I was being weird and blowing this whole thing out of proportion even though for me, a “best friend” has a way deeper meaning then for her.

But now I am friendless…I sit by myself at the lunch table because all the other people that I am friends with have tight groups already and it’s just hard to accept someone at the end of the year, like me, who is moving away anyway.

Please I am so lost…

Love, Chelsea

ANSWER

Hi Chelsea,

Friendship can be confusing and frustrating. I’m sorry you’re having problems with yours. Group friendships are often even more complicated. Additionally, the term “best friend” may be filled with expectations. Because middle school is a time of maturity and change, those relationships often experience growing pains.

You might feel like the only girl who sits alone at lunch, but if you look around the cafeteria, there are probably others in your same spot who might welcome your company. There may even be other groups that don’t have the level of drama or exclusivity of yours.

If you and your group decide to reconcile, I would suggest that you be cautious about labeling one or more girls your “best friend”, since this can cause jealousy, competition and hurt feelings. Try to concentrate on enjoying your friends in the moment. One week you might spend more time with Friend A, the next Friend B. You can like different friends for different reasons.

I hope you’re having an easier time soon.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

Tags: 7th grade, best friend, middle school, middle school friendships

Category: Child and adolescent friendships, Teen friendships