Making new friends—and keeping them too
All4Women.Co.ZA
March 30, 2011
By Belinda Glenn
There aren’t many people who would argue against the importance of having friends – they provide a wonderful support system and are generally key to having a social life.
But it’s not always easy for adults to make new friends, or even to know where to start…
Irene Levine, in How to Make Friends as an Adult suggests: “Force yourself to be in situations with other people and to make a conscious effort to learn about them by asking questions (not invasive or probing ones) and responding appropriately. If that goes well, ask for a phone number or email address or decide to meet for coffee or at the bookstore.”
(Unfortunately, this link was removed on the website but there are valuable comments to read below).
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
I am a 20 year old guy and I’ve never had a ‘real’ friend before. I am a very friendly and active person who does a lot of volunteer work but I just struggle to actually enjoy conversations I have with others. I feel so alone.
I’m a childless woman from a minority culture who had the opportunity to attend an Ivy League school late in life. Now I find that the women from my culture have pretty much cut me off, even those I considered close friends, and even my family is suspicious that I have become a ‘liberal feminist.” But I need friends and desperately miss my former long-term friends who loved intellectual discussions–it seems though that I need to get past the jealousy factor that apparently took over some of my former friends. I miss them and wish there were a way to regain the relationships. I find this enormously depressing. Any ideas?
I ve had girlfriends in my life, and some were jealous of me,
one took the guy that i was dating, and that was disappointing
after I helped her out with lots of stuff.
Now, I am afraid to have girlfriends that are pretty, because of that.
I was a model and maybe girls were afraid that if they stayed friends
with me, their boyfriends would run after me. I saw that a lot, its weird.
Now I have older friends, like almost 2 times my age. and i have
friends who are guys, but i sense most of them want something more, and they are just waiting for the right moment. Its so annoying, because i want them to just want me for me, I feel used in a way.
So eventually, i didn t really keep any girl-girl friendships, I moved a lot and then I changed a lot too… i don t just accept anything like i did when i was younger; i need people to build me up
and whom i can help build, no more helping everyone and doing all the work, and driving everyone everywhere. it has to be balanced nowadays. i need to feel like we are both putting in effort, somehow. i don t want to be used anymore, and i don t want to use people either.
my best friend is Jesus, and since i put him first, so many other people come up to me. but i m the one saying no to them now. i don t have the time or energy for lots of people. I get my love from Him mainly, and i find balance in meditation, prayer, alone time, nature and a handful of friends… i think about missing out since i don t have loads of people in my life, but quality over quantity is better for me.
Dear RC
When I read your post I thought ‘Gosh this person could be me’. I modelled in my youth and a lot of friends let me down through envy and jealousy. I was so unhappy but later on I found the Lord. I also experienced let downs among Christian sisters and after crying out to God I somehow ended up on my own, in quick time too! It’s my belief that Jesus takes us down that road for our good. It makes us lean heavily on Him as we depend on Him alone for love and friendship. I also makes me read the bible more and get so much enjoyment out of it and I communicate to Him about what I’m reading and He gives me the answers. I know He will never let me down and I am actually experiencing the great Love that He talks about and it’s easier for me to love others now. God’s blessings on you.
I in my 50 I a good listening very helpful and give great advise.i moved from south to east and find it hard to make friends with females. I had friends in south but now they all moved away I dont know where I did go college try making friends took their numbers but no contact dont know why this is happing I a lovely person good at heart.
I understand how you feel. I’m a 52year old male and have gone through the same experiences for years now. Seems the only time I am seeked out is when I am only needed for something to help with. I became disabled due to chronic pain and is under co tool, I do stay active very much, Iused to get invited places and always turn it down due to the fact I feel embarrassed for not being as productive asK used to be, working everyday, cue to the fact I was a workaholic. So I isolate myself, financially I can’t compete because of so much of an income loss. It gets lonely,so I just survive. Its like
I understand how you feel. Seems that the only time I am seeked out is when I am only needed for something to help with. I became disabled due to chronic pain and it is under control, but not being able to work everyday like I used to, everything has changed, I used to get invited places, but always turn it down due to the fact I feel embarrassed as a male especially at my age so I keep to myself, I was a workaholic, I stay busy, and stay home, I might have one visit a month maybe, it’s like I don’t exist, I have realized that I do it to myself . I don’t like to impose on people, and yes, it’s become also a trust issue I guess brim being alone so much. Yet, I’m always told I’m a good man and a loved friend, it’s always just me and God.
I am 38 female who is disabled due to neurological disease. I used to have friends when I was young and healthy but now I am all alone and the only person I had was my boyfriend of 10 years. We broke up and since I felt safe we shared one car now I don’t even have a car and living on disability is difficult and my bills take everything but 100 a month. I am very sweet, don’t judge, good hearted but at my age not even sure where to meet friends most people have friends by this age. I don’t have family either because my parents were abusive and only only aunt out of my whole family who lives in florida and I’m in Kentucky. It hurts everyday that I have no friends and no car now to even go anywhere. I’m at a loss. I can’t even be happy as of now and enjoy anything because I lost my ex of 10 years who I had put my faith in and he cheated and couldn’t live with himself. I don’t know where to go from here? I am silly have lots of hobbies but I live where I can’t walk and couldn’t if I wanted to because of my leg weakness. I am pretty honest keep promises and a all around good personality. I’m not shy very outspoken! I understand how it feels now to be all alone in a world full of people!
You took the words right out of my mouth!!! I feel like cannot trust women (actually they scare me!)- Drama, liars, competition, two-faced, GOSSIP, hurtful, they think less of you, they laugh and talk behind your back, spiteful, betray, they want to take your man or they’re too busy being jealous ..that it is not even worth the effort nor the pain to get to know any one woman. I’ve been hurt alot by women, also been misled and taught bad behavior through them .. I trust men more than i trust women… UNTIL.. I been meeting yuckie men too! The kind – ” WHEN can I GET INTO YOUR PANTIES” its repulsive and gets old. So I’ve turned to GOD myself. Don’t get me wrong, i have many friends, but I just wonder if these friendships are worth the effort of cultivating them.I figure GOD has everything i will ever need.. That is solid as GOLD… I trust that with all my ?- so maybe by my intermingles with people I can replicate HIS LOVE.1 can demonstrate to all these so called friendships a powerful, unconditional LOVE…so they may also one convey that love to others…Be GOD’s product example and win respect on a whole new level. AMEN…and Good luck!!
Yes and amen
Your parents could meet you at a park and you guys could have lunch together and spend time together as a family with the kids. You guys could have sandwiches, chips, sliced apples, and something to drink while enjoying the nice fall before to harsh of a winter hits. there is no excuse for them. They need to make every effort even clean their house:) Mine is okay its not totaly spotless but its clean and it smells good. Good luck and I hope you get this.
. I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all. you sound like a very beautiful person. You seem very honest. Your husband sounds like he is self centered and it sounds like you feel very lonely. 14 years of inlaws pretending is realy harsh. They could have told you 14 years ago before all of this crap happend and you got married and now have kids and feel alone. I would say that you need a vacation, you need to take the kids in the summer and go on a vacation. Even if your husband doesnt want to go. I think a break away from you would help him see what he is missing. I wish I could have you as a friend. I dont have anyone but my husband and that is all. well may Jesus bless you with lots of joy. Cyber Hugs Love n light.
I know how you feel. I dont really have any friends besides my husband. We have been married for 8 years now. I dont have a job and dont realy know anyone in this town that I live in. I’ve tried to get to know people but I feel like an outsider and I know I dont fit in but its okay. Im used to not having friends. Im only 25 years from now I dont see my self even having one even though there are billions of people in the world. I have a youtube channel and I socialize on it but that is it or maybe facebook but that is all. life is lonely.
I know how you feel. I am 41 and moved to a new area recently, I am finding it difficult to develop friendships. I talk to other moms at the bus stop that sort of thing. I have always found it hard to make friends and have been kind of shy my whole life. It would be nice to find one person that feels the exact same and can relate.
Dont worry, i am the same, i am comfortale speaking to people at the shops, etc. i guess if they smile to you, you feel more comfortable. I do get scared incase they want my number cos then i have to RISK getting close to someone. I believe its all to with a school friend saying we will be friends forever, and she let go of me after school ended. I made the effort to callher, but she didnt seem interested cos she had a man. Sad i know.
I feel the same way.I am 46 years old and I have lived in the same town my entire life. Nevertheless , I only have one or two good friends. No family ever comes to visit and those friends rarely visit either.
I like to meet girlfriends I a loyal friend and a understanding person I lonely sometimes with out women company. I have my man and children but they have there life my man works I don’t see him all the time. I have sisters and brothers but they in south and they have there life we only meet up if there anything going on thats all.
I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could send you warm holiday wishes this year. Instead of staying at home on christmas or thanksgiving or halloween go out and have some coffee or whatever it is that you like, take a long walk in the park, go look at pets and adopt one, maybe it is meant for us to be alone even though there are a billion people in the world.
Hi there, I’m so sorry for your loss. It is completely normal to feel a great amt of grief after a divorce. Many areas have divorce support groups and i strongly suggest you join one. You will need supportive during what will be a trying time, which tends to last 2 to 5 years after a divorce. So sorry again.
I am 45. My partner recently left me after 18yrs. When we were younger he would say he would always be there for me. He was my only friend. I don’t know how to go on without him.
Every time I am in public people of both sexes and all races tell me how great I look. I have had a hard time making friends all of my life. In my adult years I have only met one person that I consider a true friend, but she has now moved 400 miles away.
I’m 46 and have never had a friend who lasted. I used to go out and try and try but I finally decided that I’m too weird and boring. (My husband disagrees but of course he would.) I’m trying again, though. I joined girlfriendcircles but it is mostly dormant in my area. I signed up with a bunch of meetup groups and have commited to a couple of events–How much fun can I expect to have playing games with a bunch of post-grad-age guys tonight? Wish me luck. If anybody out there is in the Philly area SIGN UP and keep a lookout for me!
Dawn
Our situations are very similar. I am also 42 year old woman with no friends. I have or had one friend but he is funny in his ways. We’ve been friends for like 18 years but for strange reasons he would just stop talking to me for long periods at a time. Like last week for instance, I introduced him to a $40 Auto Plan Business where you can get roadside assistance and I told him that I would reimburse him for joining. He told me he didnt want but I told him that I would reimburse him the money so he said Ok he would take a look at the email and join, I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM THIS MAN IN A WEEK AND HE DOES NOT ANSWER MY CALLS. He is crazy or something or or really not a friend or both I don’t know but right now I left messages for him telling him that he does not have to join and that I paid for his membership and he still has not answered my calls FOR WHAT REASON? How strange is that to stop talking to your friend of 18 years for stupid thing. So as of right now I have no friends and I am looking for a friend. Maybe we can be friends. It sounds pretty pathetic huh posting for friends but it is what it is. We can be friends I’ll be your friend. We call each other and see how each other is doin stuff like that
Great I am looking for friends too, ones that call you and you don’t always do the calling. Most of those people I have taken off my phone list. I guess they are busy with their lives and husbands, I don’t have one anymore and haven’t for 40 years. I wish I did. I have retired now and so that group has pretty much disappeared. I know for so people I might worry sometimes too much about one of my children , so that can be annoying and I know I should not talk about it and I i am trying, actually most of my best friends are in New York city, so at least I have them, but my best friend died there, I guess I thought she would live forever, she was 88, but with the spirit of a young person, and I really loved her and hoped to move there when she was still around. That was really sad for me. I still would like to move back to Brooklyn. Well nice to write you. Hope to hear from you, Virginia Creitz
Hi! I grew up in Brooklyn, too. I have very few , really only one friend I speak with regularly. She would like to talk every day I think, but I need more space I think. So I call her or text, perhaps once a week.
How are you doing, anyway? Your post is months old. Hope you’ve been great since then. God bless…
Also, Virginia, very good point you made about writing her friend in jail…
Doing something for others is a great way to connect, serve and love…expect nothing in return from them… do it out of
“love your neighbor” as Jesus said.
Great advice to her , Virginia.
If you read more, you’ll see that there are quite a few people who are young, not fat, and not old who say they have no friends.
If you search this blog you will see a long thread by someone who posted that the reason why she doesn’t have friends is because everyone is jealous of her beauty. Or something like that. The comments that follow are filled with beautiful people who claim the only reason they don’t have friends is because the world is jealous of their beauty. It’s quite an eye opener, for more than one reason.
I bet every single one of us posting here is ugly or fat or old. Beautiful people have tons of friends without lifting a finger.
I am 25 model student and worker, but i am so lonely, i am skinny, beautiful shape, i am not poor, i speak french, english and german, but i am still very lonely sweetheart. no boyfriend, the guys i get just want me as a boody call, even my sister rejected me, i had only one friend, but now she is in jail, and life is sad :'(
That is sad and puzzling, I wonder about this myself. I am older now but once was 25 too and attractive but people did not come into my life easily. I had a husband then but in general not the friends you would think I would have. Actually most friends come from school and if you don’t go to school it is harder to form friendships. Sister rejection is painful and often caused by jelously. It should not be this way. You may have to try very hard to break this problem. She suffers too because she does not have you either. I wish you luck and hope you can find a group that is your type of place and where you will meet people who will feel drawn to you. Be sure to write your friend in jail, she must need you for a friend now more than ever. Good luck.
I had a therapist who tried to tell me that I have no friends because I am attractive. But when I go out with my boyfriend I see groups of females who are even more stunning and they are in these close, warm friendships with other beautiful women and even the less attractive ones. My heart breaks. I don’t know what it is that I don’t understand socially….
Yes same as me but me I got no boyfriend no friends
Seems to me here is the opportunity for us all to make friends.
Keep posting people. Your not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s not easy making friends these days even if you do posess all the desirable qualities “therapists” suggest. My husband saw a therapist when he split up with his fiancé until the therapists husband killed himself so the sessions were discontinued. No disrespect intended but think about it.
no friends.
Same age, same problem. The few friends that I do have are all married (some of them twice) and live no where near me. I am happy for them, but it just makes me feel even worse that I could never find anyone boy or girl to love me. I am also not close to my family, so I spend my holidays and birthdays alone too.
Another issue that I have always had with making friends, is that where I live all social outings revolve around drinking. As a person who doesn’t much care to go drinking as an activity, I assumed that after college this would change. However even at 32, all social outings require drinking or other substances. I don’t make much money and just can’t afford to do that in order to meet friends.
I am 32 and I have one friend though we are not close. I do everything alone – from going to the movies to holidays. I was unpopular at school and at college as I had no confidence in myself, and as a result had few friends. I know its all partially my fault in that I am not very good at keeping in contact with people, and I think thats because I am embarrased that I have nothing to say – no exciting news or gossip. Its my birthday shortly (and I know its silly as its just a day) but I always get a bit depressed knowing that there wont be any phone calls or cards in the mail.
Me too 32 going to be 33 in 3 weeks and no friends at all. I moved so much in my life, never been anywhere longer than 4 years EVER!!! I try to put myself out there but don’t seem to have anyone interested in being my friend.
I feel for you and hope that one day we may find peace in who we are 🙂
you are not the only one i’m shy and don’t have any real friends too and some of the popular girls make fun of me
So as I read through the replies I notice a trend… we all have the issue of not holding on to friends and wondering if the problem stems from ourselves…. I am 25 and I have one friend that I see from time to time…. I have always been a loner and never by choice. When I was young my mother and grandmother kept me under lock and key so as I have grown I have realized that they are still co-dependent on me. Even my cousins ignore and don’t keep in touch with me. In order for me to hear from people I have to initiate the conversation or the meetup then after that they meetup with each other and not me. It makes me frustrated because not only do friends disappear so do guys…I just don’t know how to explain it and I want to change really for me because I know I was not made to be a hermit and to live life alone.
I feel the same way. I feel like I can’t make any lasting bonds.
Not expecting to make friends with everyone in the group. How silly. Just one friend from the group would be nice. It doesn’t happen, though.
I am 42 and have not one friend. I work, and even there I can’t make friends. I went to talk to someone a few years ago about other issues and I told her I had no friends. She said that’s impossible, everyone has at least one friend , someone they can call at any time for anything. I thought long and hard and there isn’t anyone. I have 3 sisters who live very close but I haven’t seen or talked to any of them in 8 years. I don’t miss them, they made my life hell growing up. My mom betrayed me 10 years ago so I don’t have anything to do with her either. There is really nothing I like to do as far as a hobby, I’m just at a loss as to where to find people.
I think u maybe sensitive like me, and we do look for the MISTAKES people make in our lives and take it really hard that they betrayed us. Stems from my mum never supporting me, she is just weak in my eyes.
hello im 61 and have always found it hard to make friends. All my children are grown up i am married . I belong to a choir and although speak to the other ladies whilst at practise thats as far as it goes. I do everything alone. I dont know why i cant make friend. I really need a friend even just to have a cuppa with for an hour its such a lonely feeling knowing everyone else has a special person to talk with. I have a lovely husband but i need a lady friend. I can be a little shy but im ok when the other person is chatty. I dont know how to change things.
Don’t feel you, you don’t have friends and not joing with you and sharing pros and cons, jokes, etc.. There will be sum nagetive points with you,… findout wht is that.. and change it, definetly u will mingel with others
Sometimes it’s really hard to make friends, the best way is to join some sort of club or group (hopefully something you actually enjoy). You may not make friends with everyone in the group but you’re bound to find someone with the same interests as you. Eventually you might be able to invite them out to do something relevant with your group or just coffee or something.
Join a Book club, or a sporting event, anything with people who you feel will be similar to yourself, or if not that something you’re genuinely interested in.
Good luck!
I’m sad and glad to know so many others struggle with this. I have always felt like the 3rd wheel, only getting invited to do things with others in high school and such because of my close friend “D”. Now, at 48, when I encounter old ‘friends’, they are so nice and happy and such, but no one ever contacts me to do anything. Today I was just so knocked down, a ‘friend’, a coworker for 17 years, asked me to go get lunch with her. Then she invited someone else too, and they spent the entire time talking to each other, acting as if I wasn’t even there, sharing inside jokes and such. I tried several times to get in on the conversation, but finally gave up, ate and left. I wonder if they even noticed. The worst part is that both my daughters seem to have the same issue, no close friends. I can’t help them, because I don’t know what to do either. I’m very very sad and depressed about this, and at a loss.
If you don’t drink you are going to have a hard times with parties where the main activity is drinking. I donn’t drink and can’t so parties are the way to go. But plenty of activities are out there. Interest groups and the main thing is to go to a group that interests you and go each week and you will meet people that way. Also volunteering. If you are not around people of your type you will have a hard time meeting new friends. I have the same problem and I should take my own advice. It takes work and effort.
Hi little worried about your text – I at present due to circumstances have no real friends and some of that has been my fault for not keeping in touch and letting friends down regularly. I had a drink problem and that was cos I was so unhappy with me and now I isolated and have no friends as such. But you sound like I once was in a very difficult place and very down on yourself and this spreads to general life. I am now trying to put my life in perspective and trying to accept my bad parts and actually see my good worthwhile parts.
I’m only at the starting part but I really think you need to do the same so you have the strength to face your family – they could be bullying you which is stopping you getting strong enough to get well. I really believe you need to speak to someone and start to be positive about you. You need to forget them for the moment and be selfish and sort yourself out before you can attempt to do anything else. Worried friend miles from u x
Hey I’m the same exactly thought I was alone !
Hi,
I’m exactly the same, no friends.
LOL You are so right. We are all right here searching for answers about how to make friends.
I have always been backwards because I feel my parents made me that way. They would do anything to keep me from having friends and letting them see my nasty house growing up. No I am married still can’t seem to have that really awesome marriage that everyone raves about…just an ok one. I am nice to people and I think they are nice back but I am not sure if it is true friendship. My in-laws, sister-in-laws, and brother-in-laws finally confessed they have always hated me (14 yrs in the running) and I try not to cry and get upset but damn it I always made great efforts to help them and be their friends and for nothing I guess. My parents never have had me in their best interest and they are angry because I won’t bring my kids to their nasty house. The Lord says forgive and I have but I at the same time can’t because I am apparently an awful fool that doesn’t deserve to be in world. I love my kids more than anything in this world and they are the only ones that keep me going. My only wish is for God to intervene physically and help me know what is wrong with me and how to fix me. I cry all the time in private so nobody can see. I try to talk to my husband but he gets tired of hearing me and has said he don’t care but then complains to me about his bull-shit and I am supposed to care. I am alone and no therapist is going to do me any good except make my husband complain of how much it cost and how I am being a baby. I wish I never had kids so I could just disappear. I can guarantee his parents would dance for joy as would mine. Why are some people so happy while others are so so fucking sad?
You’re not the only one. I wish that there was a club just for us. There are enough of us in this blog to fill a small building. I think it would be fun.
now that is a good idea. A group of people who think they can’t make friends. We probably would there and then realize that we are not real assertive and sensitive to people not accepting us in the way we would like. We would feel support and find some real friends. Actually sometimes if you look really nice and attractive others think you would not like them so they are not friendly to you. Two perfect looking girls I knew admited that they had no real friends, and one had no friends at all. She was so perfect it made others feel no as good. Strange world.!!
I’m 34 and have absolutely no friends. They all got married, had kids, etc. and here I am not able to make any new friends and I lost contact with my past friends for one reason or another. I’m sick of missing out on life and not sure what to do, just a sad predicament.
I am 23 and have 3 friends but I am not close with any of them. I have always been a friendly person and I try to make an effort whenever I meet new people. I moved country when I was 13 and since then have not had a group of close friends. I was always an independent person and throughout highschool and college I had people to hang out with but not on a regular basis. I would love to have a good group of girl friends again. I really feel that I make most of the effort with the three friends I have but we are still not close. I find it hard to think of things to do with friends, and this loner I have become is not who I am. I have a boyfriend of 5 years and hes responsible for much of the socializing we do. I’ve been trying to change this for a number of years but so far it seems to be getting worse. Where I work, much of the women are older or already close with other groups. And in college many of my classmates have immigrated. I feel like am in a, rut and I get really down about it . I am conscious of seeming desperate or needy so I would appreciate any advice.
I panic when someone wants to be friends cos i am afraid its going to fk up…simple…so i stay alone..also afraid of women being users, or gossipers
If you want a friend you will have to risk. People gossip or rather talk about their friends, this is pretty natural, if they like you what they say will be good, if not who needs them anyway. Users: I think we all use each other, a friend is used for feeling like someone cares. Try to be more positive, friends are not all easy to take and can say things without thinking. But if you want friends these faults must be accepted, unless they are mean and nasty, then it is time to back away.
I find it extremely difficult to make/keep friends. Truth be told..the older I get, it seems the less I even like people and that is SO not me. I don’t get involved in anything social even though I’ve been invited…be it church functions/card games etc. I do not like to leave my self professed “comfort zone” of home and find every reason in the book to not go. OR if I do go..because I am mad at myself for not trying..I generally do not continue when asked again. I do suffer from depression and take medication..but I have always led an active and successful work and home life. I have a husband and two teenage children. I feel, however that I have let life so to speak, get the best of me. Uuugh…I really don’t know where to start on this “yellow brick road” to happiness and fullfilling friendships. But I do know I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
I really don’t have real “friends”. I’m really shy and quiet at school.
sounds like your comfort zone is your home and family but if you want friends you need to change some of your behaviors and allow time for activities that bring you in contact with other like minded people. If you continue on the same path, nothing will probably change. Your family will be happy to see you in better spirits too I imagine. Unless they might resent things changing, that is a possibility too.
I used to go to a very small private high school, as most are. I had friends, although few but I missed the feel of public school. So I transferred but I cannot make friends! I have one friend and she seems to only want to be with me during class but not outside. After the age of 12, I was never really that much of a social person, but I was never ever a loner. I feel like a complete outsider and I just don’t know how to initiate conversations and once I am in them, I don’t know how to take it a step further and make friends. What am I supposed to do? It’s been almost 3 months since school has started
You are young and you will meet more friends as time goes by. My daughter says life began after High School and when she got in college she met friends and through other activities. Your lucky you are reading this blog and will be ahead of most people about what to look out for in a friend and what not to put up with. Hang in there you will meet new friends!!
At school i was incredibly popular with the guys and the girls. However sometimes my girlfriends were awkward towards me when other guys fancied me. The girls i was friends no longer liked me very much and as school ended they all lost contact with me. Right now i have a few friends who I see now and again, but im longing for a good group of girl friends again.