Making friends at college
A young woman with a pattern of losing friends worries about making friends at college.
QUESTION
Hi,
Ever since I was 12, I have had problems dealing with my emotions and I used to take it out on my closest friends. After being friends with them for six years, they finally told me that they didn’t want to be friends with me. I feel that I’m losing contact with all my friends and I’ve tried to patch things up with them but they don’t want to be friends with me.
I am finding myself very lonely and don’t know how to cope. I don’t know what to do to because I’m 17 and I’m starting college in September. I’m scared that when I get there, the friends I make won’t want to be friends with me.
I can’t cope with losing people and I want to save the friendships I’ve had. What can I do to save them?
Signed, Kathleen
ANSWER
Dear Kathleen,
The start of college is the perfect time to change how you relate to people and avoid repeating the mistakes you made in the past. The fact that you recognize you took your emotions out on other people shows good insight, which enhances the likelihood you’ll be successful in changing your behavior.
You may want to journal your thoughts and ideas, just for yourself, to help get your thoughts more organized. Here are some topics you may want to explore:
1. What factors made it difficult for you to handle your emotions?
2. Who in your life has treated you the way you treated your friends? What did you think of his/her behavior?
3. How do you want to deal with your emotions from now on?
4. Whom do you have to support you in this change?
You may also want to take advantage of your college’s counseling services to help support you through your transformation, especially if you can’t change the way you act towards other people on your own. Often times, understanding the root of the problem makes anger more manageable.
Your behavior will be the proof of whether or not you have changed. While you may not be able to get your old friends back, you can avoid making the same mistakes. You’ll also be able to make new friends at college.
You won’t be perfect at changing. There is no perfect way to act and nobody acts almost perfect all the time. In another year or so you might have figured out more things about yourself, and if you want, write your former friends a letter/email to apologize without making excuses, and to tell them what you’re doing things differently.
I wish you the best of luck in college, socially and academically.
Signed, *Amy Feld
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.
Previously on The Friendship Blog:
Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
