• Keeping Friends

Lost my best friend to a guy

Published: November 1, 2016 | By | 1 Reply Continue Reading
A depressed young teen feels like she’s lost her best friend.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’m almost 16 years old and I’ve lost my best friend to her boyfriend. They have literally been with each other every day for the last six months. I never get to see her because he will say he misses her and she just cancels plans with me. I know her boyfriend is above me but it feels as if I’m not even on her list.

Last summer, I went through a terrible time with depression and I couldn’t even talk to her about it because she rarely talks to me. When she isn’t with her boyfriend, she’s with her new BFF. It hurts.

During school we talk, but I rarely get any time to do so because whenever she’s there, there’s a 100% chance that he’s there. No matter what, he’s literally always next to her. I just want my best friend back??

Signed, Daisy

ANSWER

Hi Daisy,

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Unfortunately, sometimes people put their boy or girlfriend ahead of relationships with friends. It happens in adulthood, too.

From your letter, it seems like your friend is increasingly spending her time and energy with others, and you’re having trouble adjusting to these changes. You can’t change how she spends her free time, because she sets those priorities. What you can do is use your energy on mutually gratifying friendships.

If you don’t have other friends, think about your classmates as potential new friends. Many friendships begin as acquaintances and even though they may not be best friends now, you can fill some of your social needs and feel less lonely by getting to know other people. I know putting yourself out there while dealing with depression can be particularly challenging.

Since your best friend is “part of a package” right now, befriending her boyfriend and getting to know him better is an option. Also, telling your friend how you’re feeling can be helpful, though you do open yourself up to hearing a response you may not like.

From your friend’s point of view, feeling pulled in different directions can be quite stressful. Learning how to balance people and responsibilities (e.g., school, a job) isn’t always easy. I’m not making excuses for her nor should you. But understanding her point of view can keep you from taking her behavior personally.

You deserve to have fulfilling friendships. Many people find having several close friends preferable to having one best friend since having more than one puts less stress on the best friend relationship. Some ways to meet people are school, sports, clubs and other interests. For instance, if music is your thing, join chorus to find others who like singing.
I hope you can figure this out. If you’re working with a therapist for your depression, maybe she can help you, too.


Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS

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  1. Leslie says:

    Hello Amy,
    I’m terribly sorry for the sadness you are going thru right now. Prayer helps a lot…so, pray not that your friend comes back, but that “you find happiness in her new life, and wish her well.” Amy, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, the only person who can make you happy is you. You need to find your inner self, and learn to love her…and be well with her, and in your own company. It is very wise, not to hold on too tightly to others…or look for approval to be happy in others. Only you can fill those needs, b/c once you find out who you are, and what “you” want out of life, therein lies happiness, fulfillment, contentment and lots of joy. I was married once, and loved very hard…held too tightly, and depended on him for my happiness, as well as my friends. I didn’t know who I was, didn’t have the slightest clue. I wasn’t happy. You can be with someone and feel the deepest darkest tugs of loneliness. So, I went off on my own, and did some self examination. I didn’t blame him for our divorce, but rather looked to myself for answers…instead of asking why “he” did what he did to me, I tried to find out why I was so stuck to him like glue and wanted so much for him to love me, when all the time he couldn’t. He was unable to, do you know why? Because no matter who you meet in life, no matter what, no two people ever think alike, due to their own personal cultures and the way they were raised to believe. Honey, Believe in You, b/c you are very special and significant. Find your true colors and you will see the light of day…meaning, enhance yourself worth, and beliefs, and look to no one to take care of you but you. Once you do that, it is a marvelous journey…and life is a gift my friend…so get out there and live it, to the best of your ability. Life isn’t about material things, or about friends or family making you happy. It’s about a very spiritual relationship with the light within. Be happy for your friend, wish her well, and move on…there are loads of people out there who you deserve to know, who will touch your life and help you to grow in so many ways….just reach out to them. You didn’t lose any one, much more, in the time you were blessed to know her, you grew. Love is not jealous, love does not hold to tightly, love allows and is joyous for the accomplishment of others…no one ever stays in our lives forever…we grow and move on, some more then us, and some less than us, but change is something that will always be. Just as the earth rotates and the sky rises and falls asleep at night, we to must evolve…in each and every person who walks into our lives, one day may walk out…that is our blessing, to know them for the time we are allotted together, and to wish them well. Love lets them go…and tells them to “go and be” It is the only way to live and find happiness in each and every moment in our life…what a blessing when one finds that, as you shall to…one day…search for it Amy…don’t be sad that your friend has moved on…be right with the world, and be happy for her happiness…for it may last forever, or may crumble tomorrow…but there will be days when you will find friendships are to, at an end…and it will be time for you to move on…don’t ever allow anyone or anything to dictate who you are or how you should feel, and if people do not rejoice for your happiness, then they are not true friends. If one finds negativity in what your happy about, then they are looking for a reason not to be happy for you….or a reason to hold you back. Do not buy into owning friends or friends owning you. To help you understand, please pick up a very easy reading book, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, called, “Gift from the SEA” It is beautiful, and so helpful in understanding what I am trying to help you to understand. Learn to be independent instead of co-dependent on others for happiness. Wishing you much love. Love that you deserve.

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